that I'm still not ready for a relationship?

[vitaminC]

New here, but I've been reading for a while.

I left my xh 4 years ago and the divorce was finally completed 9 months ago. I have custody of the kids, but he takes them alternative weekends, plus half the school holidays. He's actually pulled his socks up and become quite a good dad these days .

I still can't face the idea of a new relationship, however. And the more threads I read about other people's relationships, the more convinced I am that I would only end up just as unhappy again, but with a different partner and the added complications of step-parent/kids relationships...

I'm so much happier now. Happier than I've ever been in my almost 40 years on earth. I've gone back to university and done more with my life these past 4 years than I would ever had dared to before. My kids and I have a great relationship without my ex constantly stirring up trouble like he used to and my home life is great.

I do sometimes feel lonely, though, and crave the company of another adult in my life. Someone to share the load with. A travelling companion on the journey of life... But I'm terrified :-(

Has anyone here successfully remarried after a divorce? Are you happier this time around? Do you honestly think there are any decent men available? All the guys I meet (and most of my friends' husbands) seem pretty similar to my ex in many ways (controlling, lazy, self-centred... :-/) and the few really decent guys I know are already happily married.

What do you think? Should I try to find a new DP or should I concentrate on enjoying my independence?

Different marital/divorce background to you, OP, but similar on the current non-relationship front.

I read things here and makes me realise that I would be mad to enter into another serious relationship lightly, or even non-lightly!

But that's just me.

And I could be really wrong.

I would concentrate on your own happiness as sounds like you have really taken great positive steps since split. I know it's trite but relationship more likely to succeed if you are happy in yourself . Also having some understanding of what went wrong with ex and what you wouldn't do again helps. Sounds bloody obvious but i know a lot of people who split then get together with same type/ make same mistakes again.

Also the threads here do tend to be focused on problems (like if you look on childcare or in childbirth ) so whilst I am not taking away from what you read, it is a quite negative view.

And there are good men (women out there) - my mum remarried at 60, I am dh second wife (after very acrimonious and damaging split ) so there is hope .

Thanks, LineRunner. That makes me feel slightly less freaky!
Do you ever feel lonely, though? Do you miss having another adult around? How do you deal with that?

Gigondas, you're right about people only posting about problems!

I'm pretty aware of what went wrong with my marriage (I was maternal and broody, he was a lost mummy's boy looking for a new mummy to take care of him! Our co-dependent relationship worked well until we had kids and I assumed he would grow up, which he didn't.)

Your mum remarrying at 60 is hopeful :-)
Perhaps I should concentrate on my kids and my new career for now and worry about relationships later...

When we split, I was convinced I would meet a perfect new man and provide my kids with a healthy model of what an adult relationship should look like. I just hope they find that model somewhere else if not at home!

I am in a similar situation although my ex no longer has the kids (12 and 14) so I have them 24/7. I was separated 6 years ago although only divorced 6 months ago.

I enjoy being single and it would take a very special man for me to start a relationship. I have just joined a singles club but haven't been along to any activities yet. I just wanted to meet a few other single people (male or female) as 95% of my friends are married.

Also I am terrified of abandonment again, but I am sure that if I meet the right person I will feel very comfortable and will overcome these feelings.

There is a pressure on me from friends and family to find a new partner but I just follow my own feelings on the matter.

If you enjoy your independence go for it, you may find the right person when you least expect it.

At risk of making it sound worse that's her third marriage (met my dad when 29 with 2 small kids) so there is always help.

Do you have any male family or friends who could act as role models for dsc?

And I think getting on with life and doing what you can to socialise helps. You could try dating sites (have heard mixed success here) but I think widening your social network will help you stop feeling lonely.

I think it's really good to read about someone like you who has made something positive out of a divorce. And staying single may seem a bit of a lonely option but sounds like a stronger more sensible choice for you and your dsc. I havent been married before but in very long term relationships - I know I made a big mistake and wasted years of my life by settling for someone when werent suited as I was too scared to be alone.

I feel the same op. I won't have another serious relationship, will certainly never marry or live with anyone again. My ex H treated me badly and hurt me in all ways it is possible to hurt someone and I am very badly damaged by it. I am actually scared of most men now .

However I met a lovely man a few weeks ago and and he was so gentle, kind and funny. We had a lovely time together and I did not think it was possible for ME to be like that with a man given my experiences. It has gone some way to healing some of the scars. The thing is though that these men seem few and far between and my ex started off being lovely too.....so I cannot take it any further but I am happy I met him iyswim?

Hope not help

Yes, vitaminC, I did feel lonely, and I still do sometimes, but I make myself go to work (even though I'm pulling in rubbish money at the moment) and my DCs are teenagers now so are good company most of the time.

I have had a couple of 'friends with benefits' (yuck term, sorry) but my real fear is letting a man get his feet under the table and then realising that it's all been a terrible mistake. I've worked bloody hard to own my own home - I had to pay off the ExH even though he dumped with me unceremoniously with young children to go and shack up with his girlfriend-de-jour - and i'm never, ever going through all that crap again.

To be honest, I know I'm in a bit of a rut but I just don't feel like changing at the moment.

I know what you mean though about wanting someone to share the journey.

Thanks everyone. LineRunner, I know about the "friends with benefits', but I didn't find it very fulfilling in the end. Well actually, the guy started to get attached to me and I wasn't really feeling the same. He's now happily living with someone, so I guess he was looking for something different from me.

"To be honest, I know I'm in a bit of a rut but I just don't feel like changing at the moment."

This sums it up exactly!

Im alone and now have no children at home, it's really hard meeting people if you have no social life albeit even if I had I think it would be hard because I don't like drinkers. I'm 47 now and haven't had a proper relationship where I lived with someone for five years.

Not sure I ever could live with someone again, I like my own space, sometimes now that the kids have gone I get lonely, but I think it's more to do with I just miss cuddles and the closeness sometimes, if you can get over those times, there is no reason to have a man.

Bit dif for me in so far as I have no family at all and no friends at all here, so I am completely alone with only my dog to talk to after work and for company.

akaemmafrost What became of the kind, gentle guy? Was it ships that pass in the night?

Btw, before I met my (Ex)H I was lucky that I had met some very lovely men, travelled the world (and the seven seas...), had a brilliant job and some amazing experiences. So I'm not bitter - just chastened.

Hi FabbyChic, How are you doing today?

I think I may be like you when my DCs go off to university. They are nearly 16 and 14 now. I wonder how much that will change how I feel about things.

I didn't even get to keep my house - we sold it for 70K less than we owed the bank, so I'll still be paying off my share of the debt for the next 5 years :-(
I'm renting a small (i.e. cheap) but pleasant flat in a nice area, so I can pay off my debts asap and start saving a deposit to buy...

At least I have a long-term career plan now, so by the time I'm fully qualified in my new career, I'll hopefully be debt-free and able to start again, and buy somewhere.

akaemmafrost I can completely relate to your experience. I just don't want to let anyone get that close and go through all the hassle once again :-(

vit You sound like you have your finances and future career plan under control. That's really good.

I'm older than you so I do worry about my future work plans, especially as I cashed in every pension option to buy the house (long story). At present I'm doing projects I donlt really like for little money because I have to work and I have to stay local to ExH for the rare times he deigns to see the DCs.

Hi LineRunner, i'm dandy thanks, youngest went back to Uni today after being home for 3 weeks, comes back for a few days at Easter.

The last man I let into my home beat the crap out of me, and my kids saw what I looked like after, I looked like a car crash.

I'd not like the prospect of being controlled in any way, some men are so set in their ways when they get older.

We are texting most days, but he lives quite a distance away so it won't go anywhere and I think that's best.

akaemmafrost That sounds like the best arrangement, IMO. I couldn't see myself letting anyone move in, but I would like the companionship of having someone I can call or text at night, when the kids are in bed...

I guess that may be the best solution - a live-out relationship

That's the thing though, how many men want that kind of arrangement? How do you make it clear that's all it can ever be? Also I am terrible for getting attached quickly, I am aware of this so maybe it's just best to avoid any kind of entanglement.

Hmmm, honestly? I did have that kind of arrangement with a (married) colleague a few years ago!

He was in an unhappy marriage and I'd just left mine. Our relationship never became physical, but we talked or texted every day and it was lovely to know that there was someone out there who noticed me and cared whether or not I was ok!

Eventually, his wife became suspicious and then he left the firm, so things fizzled out. It was nice while it lasted though. And I miss that companionship

See, I have thought and no doubt will be flamed for it, that the only way to have this kind of arrangement is if they are committed elsewhere.

The lovely bloke is younger than me, if it were to continue the complications would be immense, obviously someone younger has it all ahead of them, it's not fair to keep going with something that can never go anywhere for them. I am only forty and I feel it's all over for me, I will always be alone, if they are younger, it's not fair on them, if same age or older they will most likely be committed elsewhere.

Meh. Not sure if it's sustainable in the long term.

I have a friend who's been divorced 15 years and in a relationship with a married man for the past 8. He treats her like crap!

She says if he ever left her wife she would dump him, because she doesn't want to lose her independence. But in the meantime he strings her along, sometimes going through periods of several weeks without speaking to her for no reason (well, besides guilt, I suspect), then suddenly reappearing and expecting her to pick up where they left off!

I'm not sure I could handle all that... I really do feel (most of the time) that my life is simpler without a man!