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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its ok for my son 19 to take his x box to uni with him?

70 replies

sarah7492 · 06/01/2012 21:51

I think he is an adult and has to make his own choices. Yes, he can spend hours on bloody COD and he should have spent more time studying for A levels and less time playing the game...but he swears he can find the balance now with uni work.
DH disagrees and has told DS he cannot take the x box with him when he returns to halls this weekend.
DS has exams coming up and is not finding his maths degree easy by a long shot...a LOT of work is needed.
Help...(please be gentle...feel like shit tonight)

OP posts:

Original poster

sarah7492 · 06/01/2012 22:32

The uni my son is at though , the first year does count towards his final degree grade. I know I keep hearing from friends etc how they just partied the first year, but thats not really possible at my sons uni..(not non stop anyway) he actually has weekly tests that he has to pass. Its hardcore from day one. and he has an ADDICTION to his x box.

but I do still agree that he is an adult and should take it if he wants.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 06/01/2012 22:35

I would be very surprised if he is going to think 'I haven't got my xbox so I will spend the time working'!
Either he can organise his time or he can't-it is too late to enforce it when you are not there- and he is an adult.

stleger · 06/01/2012 22:45

Dh whiled his time away playing snooker (he is now a university lecturer), I spent rather a lot of time in a coffee bar with a pinball machine...

MrsPeterDoherty · 06/01/2012 22:48

My boy is 19, and bought himself a 2nd xbox, second hand, to keep in his room in Liverpool.
He plays Halo online with his friends from home, who are scattered through the UK
I'm glad he's keeping in touch with his mates and having a night in instead of drinking all the timelike I did

Binfullofsiliconelimbsonthe45 · 06/01/2012 22:53

I agree he'll find some other outlet to piss his time away if he doesn't want to work, however it is easy to play for continuous hours till dawn on these things especially with likeminded folk.

If you are paying for him to piss his time away I can see the frustration, so I'd be inclined to agree with other posters that if he flunks he pays you back, if he wants to be treated like the adult he is, he needs to deal with the consequences.

And that means contributing to the electricity bills for his game usage if he has to bow out of uni and come home to live.

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 22:57

As has been said, uni is a lot about working out how to discipline yourself wrt to studying and organising your time - if you don't want to study or you're like I was and think you can get away without working that hard you will find other things to do. Take away his Xbox he'll just surf the net. Watch TV. Go to the pub. Etc.

eurochick · 06/01/2012 23:01

Snip snip! (That was the sound of the apron strings attaching your husband to your son being cut!)

I agree with ost of the people on here who say he should be allowed to take it. Uni is about learning to manage your own time and workload and working out what you need to do to achieve your goals. When your son goes to work in a couple of years (or indeed if he had gone to work rather than uni) would your husband be as keen to have control over his life?

If you are worried that he is not doing as well as he might, is it worth having a chat to him about you not being willing to support him through any repeat years or if he drops out? You can guide him in this sort of way quite legitimately without treating him like a child, in my view.

Binfullofsiliconelimbsonthe45 · 06/01/2012 23:02

No internet, computers or gaming consoles when I was at uni. We used to spend our evenings getting our housemate to stand under the window outside with a flaming rolled up newspaper in his hand, while we shook 5 pints out of the bedroom window in "controllled" explosion experiments.

Give him the xbox - safer.

ImperialBlether · 06/01/2012 23:07

Well, I don't think you should take it away, as though he were a child, but I think it would be really good to have a serious conversation with him, if you think he's spending far too much time on it.

He's chosen to study Maths - one of the hardest degrees there are. He's struggling. Now OBVIOUSLY he needs some down time. Equally obviously he's not working hard enough. It sounds as though he hasn't learned how to knuckle down and get on with his studying - it's likely he winged it at sixth form, but university is completely different.

If he were my son I'd be suggesting he leaves it at home until his exams are over. Games like that are highly addictive and it's probably true that he could do with a break away from them and get on with some work.

I'm sure his argument would be that he would do it in moderation, but he's at a point where he's struggling to succeed on his course and taking something that's addictive and time consuming back with him isn't really the brightest idea.

abbierhodes · 06/01/2012 23:10

What will your husband do if your adult son just picks up his xbox and takes it? Tbh, if he's always been treated like this then I'm not surprised he doesn't have a very good work ethic. He sounds very babied. I don't understand why he would even consider consulting his dad on what he was packing for uni.
You sound a bit worn down...is your DH consistently a bit of an arse?

startail · 06/01/2012 23:11

I assume DS has a lap top and can waste day and night playing games on that.
Surely your DH isn't going to physically prevent DS taking the PS if it's his.

hellhasnofury · 06/01/2012 23:12

If your son is failing to put the work in then I would assume he's going to fail regardless of whether or not he has access to his Xbox. No-one can stand over him and force him to do the work only he can make that choice. I think sending him without it is more likely to re-enforce the message that he is not capable of being an adult and more likely to cause resentment.

ImperialBlether · 06/01/2012 23:13

You have to be fair to the OP's husband, here. I'm sure he's seen his son winging it through sixth form, knows that he's going to really struggle with these exams and more than likely have to resit in the summer, and then sees he's planning to take his x box back with him and has flipped.

OP, how many hours a day over the Christmas holidays has your son been on the x box?

WilsonFrickett · 06/01/2012 23:19

I am at the thought of my DM or DSD telling 19-year old me not to do something. I left home at 17, worked as a volunteer for a year, then had a FT job for 2 years while doing classes to get to college. To be fair to your DH, I was motivated and supported myself, but still... he's a grown-up now. If your DH 'stops' him taking the X box away with him, I imagine your DS could report him for theft - silly I know, but maybe that will put it in perspective for him?

So he fails. Then he fails. Maybe that will be the rocket he needs to sort his time management out?

Portofino · 06/01/2012 23:44

Imperial - but this is an ADULT of which we speak.. He can do what he wants. To me the important issue is - his parents are paying a large chunk of his costs. He SO needs to be aware that this will not continue if he does not keep on track....

shockers · 06/01/2012 23:58

Sorry... I agree with your DH. Your son may be an adult, but if you're paying for all his living costs then you do have some say. These games are addictive... Come on, MN is addictive for some! The thing is, your son could fail his degree... can YOU afford that??

I speak as a Mum of a mature (24) student who went to uni late and is still with his peers from high school, who have had to repeat years at their parents' expense!

motherinferior · 07/01/2012 00:02

I think if he is finding his course difficult, that's a separate matter. And one for him to sort out, really.

glammanana · 07/01/2012 00:07

Your DH sounds very controlling of your DS he will relax with something else if he does not take his x-box,and we all know where that can lead to,for goodness sake stand up to your DH and tell him to move into modern day living the more respect he gives your DS the more he will give back,or does your DH secretly want the x-box for himself !!!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 07/01/2012 00:11

I'm another one in the "let him take it" camp. He IS an adult.

I'm also someone who learned the hard way that you do actually have to do SOME work at uni if you want to pass. It's all about getting the balance. My dad was like me, but didn't get the balance, and took 5 years to complete a 3 yr degree (funded, in those days!) I was under no illusions about how pee'd off at me my parents would be had I failed, and I walked a fine line (without an X-box) and am happy to say I got the right balance of work/play.

I can understand why you would be worried, but as long as you make it clear to him that you will not be funding him if he has to repeat etc, then it's up to him.

FabbyChic · 07/01/2012 00:24

My son is also taking a maths degree. Says its hard. They only need 70 percent to pass and be on schedule for a first

Pandemoniaa · 07/01/2012 00:30

He's an adult. He's perfectly capable of equipping himself with all manner of diversions from his studies and I'm inclined to think (based on all sorts of experience!) that an x-box is pretty harmless compared to what we got up to.

I supported ds2 through university and actually, part of that support included letting him make his own decisions and learning how to manage his own time.

Your DH has to stop being so unrealistically controlling and, without wishing to sound harsh, you need to stop compensating for him and trying to avoid conflict at all costs.

BustersOfDoom · 07/01/2012 00:33

I'm another in the let him take it camp. DS graduated last year and lived at home whilst attending the local uni. We left him to it as best we could and just let him get on with it. He got a good degree and didn't end up in too much debt. Every student needs some down time. When I was doing my MSc having a sneaky hour of genealogy felt like a dirty habit. How I loved those hours!

But... a colleague of mine has a son at Oxford. She and her husband monitor his bank account and he has to account for every penny spent. He even has to justify buying text books even though he gets a full student loan. I don't think he will be coming back home when he graduates. And I wouldn't blame him.

mrsmplus3 · 07/01/2012 00:39

my initial reaction to the title of your post was "of course let him take it women! he's 19!!"

however after reading your full first post i see you really do have a point.
my 15yr old son would be on COD all day and night if i let him so i dont think id let him take it away when hes supposed to be studying.
he'll maybe hate you for it but it's your duty as his mum to at least talk it through with him and make him realise you're doing it for him and his career.
on the other hand, if he causes so much fuss you end up stressed out then let him take it and on his head be it.

good luck.

fuzzpig · 07/01/2012 01:51

I agree with you OP, and others on the thread. I have a feeling my DSS will be the same when he goes in September, not necessarily
Xbox but I really can't see him actually putting the work in. But he's putting himself through uni - unfortunately neither we or his mum can provide much financial support - so hopefully the fact he can't take it for granted will make him appreciate it and work hard.

I think you need to consider your financial input - would you want to carry on contributing for the next 3 years if he is pissing about on Xbox all day?

sashh · 07/01/2012 05:30

If he doesn't take it with him he will probably spend a chunk of his next student loan buying another. Or is that just the way I'd think?

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