to not agree to DS changing schools, mainly just because he wants to.,

[Mittzchief]

A bit of history, he was bullied from very young through to end of juniors.

My marriage broke up from an abusive man, from whom DS had a very hard time, at the same time he moved to secondary school.

His yr7 was unsettled and continued to be bullied, was sexually assaulted in the village by an 18 yr old.

Yr8, he had two incidents where he bullied someone in the autumn term but worked with him and school and it stopped and he found his feet for the rest of year8. Minor troubles but the school is great and I and he have a great rapport with his form tutor....
He is a nightmare to get to do homework and always has been. Has anger management issues and emotional outbursts relating to his Dad's history of drinking.

School organised counselling and in some respects he is improving.

However, autumn term of YR9 has been awful. He has been in trouble a number of times in incidents that could have had serious consequences involving the police, one at school, two in the village. And a series of minor incidents in the village that have had to be dealt with with irate neighbours.

He is in the catchment area for two schools and has suddenly decided he really wants to go to the other one. His reasons are; a potential fresh start, and some of his mates go there. There is a split with his friends with the two schools.

I am 42 and came from a background with the thinking that you went where you were sent, end of story. Unless there was a VERY good reason to change.

So DS 'wanting' to change schools is . Is it reasonable for a 13 yr old to effectively change schools because they want a change. I have talked and talked to him but he is adamant.
And like a dog wit a bone.

I don't want him to change. His support net work at school is excellent, I am partly selfish because I have confidence in them and am concerned that if he did and then decided it didn't suit, we'd be stuck, and he has a way of making life very miserable when he is in a situation he doesn't like.

Before I (and his Dad, with whom things are slightly improved at the moment) make it clear one way or another, WIBU to say no? Or should I talk to his current school?

I am really out of my depth on this.

He is really crap at getting up in the mornings and the other school starts even earlier, and in one of the discussions I said this was very relevant as he couldn't get up and organised now let alone for an even earlier time, and bless him he has got up early and been organised every day this week to show me he can do it......

Home work is a major thing, he resists and fights over every single piece, and the other school has about 3x more that his current one... I couldn't stand even more HW angst

Sorry it's long

I don't think it should be a 13 year olds decision just because he wants to do it, and regarding a fresh start, should he not work on improving his standing with peers who he is currently with, whats to say he won't get in to trouble at the new school.

You should not move him just because he will paddy and strop if he doesn't get his own way, that shows to be he his not mature enough to make the decision in the first place.

If you think it's possibly a good option then you need to go to the school alone and have a meeting about what support would be available etc.

I would hang on!

The reasoning being ( I draw on personal exp here with dd) if he is starting to be difficult behaviour wise in school, if it escalates, school may well have to implement a 'managed move' to a different school. So I would keep him where he is just in case!!

It seems you have a good working relationship with his school which will be invaluable if he has further problems as this means they are more likely to help sort things out. I think you are right to be very cautious about moving him. He may want to move in order to be less known and therefore less monitored. This might feel better for him but if you are pretty sure he will have diffciulties elsewhere won't help in the long run.

I agree, LovingChristmas, I don't think it is really his decision and wouldn't agree simply because I know what he is capable of when he wants his own way, but before I give him a firm 'no'. I want to be clear that making that decision is fair.

He has mentioned in passing changing school a couple of times over the last few months and I have a nagging train of though that his behaviour might be deliberate because he has decided it might be a good idea to change schools. I am also concerned that his teachers might have heard because he has broadcast to everyone that he 'might' be changing schools.......

As lovely as he is capable of being, he can make life very much an uphill battle, I need to have my wits about me when dealing with an issue like this..

And as he isn't markedly unhappy, I think it would be a better life lesson for him to stay where he is in order to resolve his problems rather than walking away, the problems have not been sufficient to merit exclusions, if anything the school bends over backwards to help him.

Have you looked at the other school yet? I would do so just so that he knows you are taking him seriously and not saying no for no good reason (to him). It might give you better reasons to reject the idea if you see things you specifically don't like about the other school. I'd go alone and take him on a visit too.

What does he say about the extra homework at the other school?

I think the fact that he has got up early says quite a lot about how much he wants this, and I don't think he is too young to have any input about his education. The descison shouldn't be his, but his opinion shouldn't be completely discounted IMO either.

My yr 9 dc brought home the option/gcse choices letter yesterday. They have to choose their study options by feb 15 so he will be cutting it fine!

I'm glad you and his teachers get on, but he is obviously unhappy.

What if he stays at the current school? He could just end up walking out.

I went through similar hell too, school was the worse years of my life, didn't recover from school until my 20s.
There would be teachers suddenly sounding interested at meetings in the presense of my parents, all this talk of positive progress etc, nice 10 minute lip service and then back to the dreaded lonliness, just utterly awful.

I went to a new school age 14 and suddenly had a life and something to wake up for, had friends, because they didnt know about my reputation of being a dumb/geek/weirdo/loser etc
It was a massive confidence boost.
Sadly I left that school because it didnt work out with the people i was living with.

Making a change of schools is better at aged 13 than any later.

His entire life can be affected and he could get no exam passes if he's made to stay at a school he dislikes.

hate reading this, that his teacher sbend over backwards, he just doesnt bother much getiing out of bed etc,
it may be a fair representation of this kid whose been through so much, but it just reminds me of all the dreadful things said about me while going through those awful years.

I would think about his happiness first and foremost personally, but that's just because I've been in a similar circumstance where no one listened, no one at all

I think he doea have a right to a say in this. Its him that has to go to school not you. If the homework thing bothers you-then tell him he has to prove he can do the homework he gets currently without nagging before you'll consider saying yes. But in the meantime go and check the other school out-talk to the head, tell her your son has had problems see what they say. What harm can it do? And you may make him very happy.

I speak as someone who wasn't allowed to switch school at A-level (not quite the same I know) so I dropped out-that pissed my dad off no end, he didnt see that one coming. What I'm saying is he may lose all interest and deliberately fail because if this.

Is a move possible? Will the other school take him? What is the other school like? I would go and meet them and discuss your son with them see what the attitude/supports would be like.
If you are happy enough with the school I would be open to a move bu he would have to earn it. The getting up early is agood start, bu I would also want to see improved attitude t homework and better behaviour at current school. I would tell him that I am not going to the hassle of facilitating him for no benefit to me. If he is prepared to improve his attitude/behaviour and proves it over next number of months than you will arrange move.

Mittz...

So, what is the difference to DS doing homework for the old school and for the new one? He does realise he will still get it? He may even get more!

You know your son more than I do, but from what I know he is being manipulative and playing you.

I agree with some of the others. I know it's a risk - his behaviour might not change at all and you'd be left at square 1, but he sounds really unhappy and maybe a change will help him get over the rut he is in.

School is hugely about friends. No matter how supportive the teachers are to him and to you, feeling that you can't get away from the role you have been playing with the people around you for years is very hard.

If he can be happier at school, he might be happier to do his homework.

... sorry, happier at a new school

You know, there are so many people who stay in a job, a relationship, a situation they hate because theyre too scared to make a change. Yes, he's 13, and ultimately he doesn't get to make the decision because he's a child and you're the parent, but I'm not sure that 'you stay where you are unless you've got a very good reason' is the best way to a happy life.

Maybe this could be a turning point for him in taking responsibility for making good choices. What are his reasons for wanting to change? Have you asked him and really listened to his answers rather than looking for reasons he's wrong?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he should just get to choose regardless, but maybe don't dismiss it out of hand.

if we look at Maslow's heirarchy of needs, we can see that 'acheivement' is above family and friendships.
A person being happy and secure in their friendships and relationships is the foundation below which supports a person being successful in things like exams etc

Actually (if he were mine) I'd give the other school a look over.

Despite all that has been going on, he has actually opted to try over don't you think?

My DS is 13 too, and refuses point blank to do anymore H/work ...till we come back to the UK next month...I understand the stress.

Plus, things are not wonderful for either of you right now...a change might be just the thing? maybe?

Sorry Mittz, I should have worn my reading glasses, I see you have said he will get more...

BUT... He will be choosing his options soon and he will start these in YR10 which let's face it, we have a week off in Feb, two at Easter, one at Whit then it is the summer hols so in the grand scheme of things it really is not that long. My DS1, whilst I will be honest with you we have really had no issues with him at all apart from complaining about homework and saying it was boring but since he started Yr10 he is happy doing it, enjoys it and loves the subjects he chose.

I would speak to his current school and ask their advice - they sound supportive and probably best placed to offer guidence.

Maybe involve your son in the meeting? It might encourage him to be more mature ie he may feel more empowered/grown-up in his life decisions.

First off, will the other school want him? This may sound rather harsh but nowadays schools are often very reluctant to accept pupils who come with the sort of reputation your ds is gaining. So you'd be advised to have a word with the school in question before giving things much more consideration.

Also, if he is in a supportive environment, this has to give him greater stability and it rather sounds as if this is just what he needs given what has happened in the past.

However, I do believe in taking a child seriously when they talk about moving school but it isn't something to agree to without a lot more thought.

Do you think his friends at the new school are a bad influence - i.e. the ones he has been getting into trouble with in the village? If not, then I agree with others saying you should check out the new school and then weigh things up properly

I also think that the fact that he has got up early for a week because you mentioned this, means that he is very serious.

Why don't you go to look at the other school with him? I would take him seriously and involve him in your discussions. I'm not saying that you definitely should change, but if he is willing to change his behaviour to get up early that is a big thing (in my house, anyway ) and you could at least consider it. Get him to sit down with you before and after seeing the other school and put pros and cons in a list with him.

I'm not generally an advocate of getting non-adults involved in decisions, but in this case I think you need to talk to him almost like an adult. DS1 misbehaved at the beginning of secondary school , but we went for a meeting at the school with his HoY and talked to him like an adult, discussing his behaviour and the fact that the set you are in does not just depend on your academic ability, but also on your behaviour. From that day after those very frank discussions, he changed, for so much the better.

So, in this case, talk to your DS, asking him for particular reasons he doesn't want to stay at his particular school. He can't just say "because"; he has to give you definite reasons. Try and put all that has happened between you two behind you during these discussions (I know exactly how hard that can be). You may be pleasantly surprised.

I think for me it would depend partly on your DS's personality. Does he often do things on a whim / change his mind away from something he previously seemed very keen on / believe that a "quick fix" will sort out his problems?

I think you should show him you're taking the possibility seriously and explore it. He wants a fresh start. Perhaps a shame to deny him that. If the head teacher of the new school went out of his way to say "I'm willing to take a gamble on you - don't let me down" perhaps that's just what he needs.

Aged 15 I suggested to my parents that I'd like to move schools. I still remember they were very dismissive. I stayed on and became increasingly unhappy until I left

A neighbour's daughter has just changed school aged 16 and it's been the making of her

fred I am questioning the decision thoroughly because it is his happiness and well being that is paramount, we certainly won't get the best put of him if he isn't happy, but..

Bella is right, whilst understanding his past makes me realise why he can be difficult and having worked very hard with him to heal the damage done, it still makes life very hard, and he is manipulative and very smart. He will do something unreasonable and then when brought to book on it, cite his 'shit past' as a reason.

The homework... he got in a real state about a piece at the end of November and actually made himself so ill about it he was sent home and we were told by the school to keep him off for two days.
He was given an extension and we talked with teachers that he would 'manage' his homework, he is after all 13 and should be capable of doing that. By the set date, he hadn't done it so I informed him I would be disconnecting the internet to remove a distraction.. in his outburst of anger, he punched a panel out of a door. On top of the anger management issues, he damaged his knuckles, and as I live in a period rented accommodation it is an added stress.

Original he admits he isn't 'unhappy' at school, he has progressed well educationally with a mild blip last term, is now popular, confident in dealing with potential bullies and has a great rapport with his teachers who all grin at parents evenings when the teachers realise whose parents we are.

Post, I am questioning my own thoughts, and I am toptally unaware if there is a proportion of kids in life who simply change school because at the very bottom line, they 'feel' like it.

He has had trouble, but the school he is at see his potential and certainly at the moment the relationship is that they see him as someone who is worth the trouble of supporting him and it has an excellent reputation for bringing out the best in kids 'like him'.

I have talked to parents of the other school and it has just been slated by offstead. Not inspiring confidence for a change with a young man who, once the novelty value wears off could find himself somewhere he isn't actually settled and can't just switch back.

Thank you, this is helping immensely.