to not agree to DS changing schools, mainly just because he wants to.,

[Mittzchief]

A bit of history, he was bullied from very young through to end of juniors.

My marriage broke up from an abusive man, from whom DS had a very hard time, at the same time he moved to secondary school.

His yr7 was unsettled and continued to be bullied, was sexually assaulted in the village by an 18 yr old.

Yr8, he had two incidents where he bullied someone in the autumn term but worked with him and school and it stopped and he found his feet for the rest of year8. Minor troubles but the school is great and I and he have a great rapport with his form tutor....
He is a nightmare to get to do homework and always has been. Has anger management issues and emotional outbursts relating to his Dad's history of drinking.

School organised counselling and in some respects he is improving.

However, autumn term of YR9 has been awful. He has been in trouble a number of times in incidents that could have had serious consequences involving the police, one at school, two in the village. And a series of minor incidents in the village that have had to be dealt with with irate neighbours.

He is in the catchment area for two schools and has suddenly decided he really wants to go to the other one. His reasons are; a potential fresh start, and some of his mates go there. There is a split with his friends with the two schools.

I am 42 and came from a background with the thinking that you went where you were sent, end of story. Unless there was a VERY good reason to change.

So DS 'wanting' to change schools is . Is it reasonable for a 13 yr old to effectively change schools because they want a change. I have talked and talked to him but he is adamant.
And like a dog wit a bone.

I don't want him to change. His support net work at school is excellent, I am partly selfish because I have confidence in them and am concerned that if he did and then decided it didn't suit, we'd be stuck, and he has a way of making life very miserable when he is in a situation he doesn't like.

Before I (and his Dad, with whom things are slightly improved at the moment) make it clear one way or another, WIBU to say no? Or should I talk to his current school?

I am really out of my depth on this.

He is really crap at getting up in the mornings and the other school starts even earlier, and in one of the discussions I said this was very relevant as he couldn't get up and organised now let alone for an even earlier time, and bless him he has got up early and been organised every day this week to show me he can do it......

Home work is a major thing, he resists and fights over every single piece, and the other school has about 3x more that his current one... I couldn't stand even more HW angst

Sorry it's long

I will at least talk to his (wonderful) form tutor this week...

My reservations, albeit strong, will not stand in the way ultimately of him being happy. But I would be deeply saddened if it comes to be that he does change school...

I would get son to visit new school and discuss his wishes with new head and head of year. Possibly without you present all the time and see what new school has to say - they may not want him and advise him it would not be good for him. Also he should talk with his present head and head of year and see what they have to say - good test to see if he is mature enough to have thought things through properly and can put his case.

You should also speak to them, of course, making HW problem clear.

It might be that he wants a clean slate - having kicked off at a teacher it is not easy to 'lose face' and be reasonable again. We had a girl moved to our school when I was in secondary (many moons ago), she had taken drugs to school or something. She was good as gold with us but had a long bus journey there and back.

To summarise your post, in his current school: your ds was bullied in Year 7 and sexually assaulted outside of school in the village you live in, in Year 8 your son bullied other children, in Year 9 things have gone from bad to worse and the police have been involved.

You are wondering whether there is a good reason to change? Add into the mix your break up from an abusive partner and the fact that your son had a hard time from this person.

You are also worried that moving your son might create difficulties for you because you will have to be more proactive about homework and getting your son up in the morning and you come from a background where unless there was something really wrong you would accept where you were went.

Can you not see there is something very wrong at the moment? Do you not think your son needs a fresh start? Do you not think your son needs to be put first rather you and what your background usually dictates.

I think you should move him and give him a chance and lots and lots of support. If it doesn't work you will have done your best to turn him round; if you do nothing you will never have tried.

I admit haven't read the whole thread properly but just wanted to post my own experience.

I was bullied in school, at the end of y9 I begged my mum to send me to a different school, I was so unhappy. She refused, I spent every break time alone, every class sat alone with no one to chat or laugh with. I spent so many days off 'ill' that I am surprised I got any GCSE'S at all. Even now thinking about it still upsets the hell out of me.

I am 27 and it is something I will never forgive my Mum for, please don't make the same mistake.

I don't have a lot to add to the advice that's been given here, but I would second the poster who asked whether the school actually has space for him and is willing to take on a pupil who may need extra support - would they be willing/able to provide the support network his current school does? Tbh, if you ring the school and they say they can't accomodate him, that might draw a line under the whole thing - and he'd see that you had tried, which might help.

you sound more like an aunt that's having to look after this boy

I am a head of year 10 - we have children moving into our school on a regular basis for a variety of reasons. It is extremely rare that a child who has had behavioural issues at one school to move to another and it all sort otself out. Usually, the problems that are causing the behaviour come with them child. This is especially true if the child thinks that moving is in some way a 'magic wand', and will make everything better.
I think if I were you I would make any discussions about moving conditional on improved behaviour - after all, to settle in to a new school he's going to have to work twice as hard, so I would want to see a protracted period of improved attitude and behaviour (perhaps until Easter), after which I would be prepared to begin looking at moving. As he's in Y9, this would still give you enough time to get things sorted before he starts his G.C.S.Es
You can be open with his current school about this, and they can continue to support him.
If he is willing to buy into this, you may find he then either doesn't want to move at all or if he still does, he'll be in a MUCH stronger position to cope with it and make a success of the new placement.

I am not worried about being more proactive about his homework, and to be frank he couldn't make life more difficult in the mornings normally if he tried. And it doesn't matter how difficult he has been, he gets my full, unconditional support with everything. There is a huge difference between being 'proactive' with his homework and having to mend bits of the house, just because he doesn't want to do it all.
That particular battle has been going on since Yr4/5 and due to engaging with him, despite angry resistance, he has pretty well completed every set piece, eventually.

On that note, I have a 9 yr old DD, and her needs get in danger of being neglected when it takes 2 hrs to get him to sit down and do an assignment. So I am going to take into consideration that increased home work, which he hates, will increase pressure.

Without writing an essay I have put DS and his needs very much first, he gets lots and lots of support. He wanted very much to go to this school and up till recently wouldn't have gone to the other at any price.

Nothing 'usually dictates' the decisions in this house, I am talking to him, listening, expressing my reservations, I have neither said yes or no, but that it is an important decision that needs to be looked at from all angles. Including the fact that given his nature, it is possible that after a term or two he will get bored and decide he doesn't like that school either and then we are stuck as he will be progressing towards his GCSEs.

I am questioning my own thinking that has resulted from my own upbringing. And this thread is part of the process. Sometimes we don't do that until something occurs to give us reason to do so. This has really come out of the blue, he first asked the day before Christmas Eve,

The week before Christmas he bought his form tutor a gift and sent her a card to thank her for her support and acknowledged the key role she has played in supporting him. At that point I had had no sense that he wanted to change.

The police haven't been involved, but in 3 matters it was working with the school and/or people involved to get him to go in the right direction that avoided that.

The trouble in the village had involved a mix of lads from both schools.

In two cases the incidents involved two of the mates from what would be his new school. One of whom came into my house and smashed glass all over my DD's bedroom, and on New Years Eve DS and this boy went missing for 3 hrs as they went roaming round town when it was dark.

I have been talking to Parents of Pupils from the potential new school and one said 'I would be reluctant to move my child in your circumstance, to X school when the one he goes to is outstanding'.
Another parent expressed severe disappointment that her DD had been told no one expected her to do very well in her GCSE's.

I need to know what counselling is available in the 2nd school and if he will be transferred into counselling or have to be assessed again.

Talk to his from Tutor..

I have just phoned him to see where his feelings are about it at the moment... and if he was unhappy at current school and he said 'No, just wanna change'.

do I himynameisfred? Can I ask why?
I can't begin to describe what we have been through over the last 5/6 years , am very, very much a Mum to him....

saltyair I had said that in order to make his position stronger I needed to see some improvement in certain key areas.... working to getting himself up, (which he has this week) trying harder to focus on getting homework done ( no change on that) The ability to start to monitor his own behaviour when he was with people who seem push him towards making bad choices... not great on that over the holiday when he saw more of the mates he would be spending more time with.

He does see it very much as a fresh start and that a new school will mean a new him....

Rudawakening that is certainly not what I want for him, and I am sorry for you... he certainly isn't having to beg and understands that we need to consider every aspect before making the final decision.

Married totally agree with your post.

op I can hear you are working hard, and wanting change.

I truly believe that at 13, if he is expressing a desire make changes, you should look in to moving him.

It could be his way of trying to fix things.

Put it this way, it couldn't get much worse could it? :)

Good luck.

If he is seeing it as New School = New Him even more reason to make it conditional. If he can work towards changing his own behaviour, he'll realise that HE is the one who can make things right for himself, not an institution.

I would make specific targets with him that need to be achieved - this should include a bit of 'wobble space' as he isn't going to be immediately perfect - perhaps some targets could be around how he puts things right if they don't go as planned.

He needs to see that whichever school he is at, he will still be HIM : and that he has the power to decide who he wants to be.

Feminine I will reservedly agree that it couldn't get much worse

Saltyair.. I have said that to him, that if this school would be a fresh start for him he needs to remember we take the best and the worst of ourselves with us when we move on somewhere, he knows he is hotheaded and drawn towards trouble, his counselling is helping him deal with that amongst other thing...

One lad he hates goes to the 'new' school and I recently had to resolve things with the lad's Dad to stop it from escalating, and he will be in daily contact with him..

Except it can get worse - if he moves and hasn't already started to take control of his own behaviour, he will be somewhere with staff who don't know him or have a relationship with him (or you). I can't stress strongly enough how key this is to success.

I'm sorry OP, that was a nasty comment I feel guilty about. It's just I have small children and have never parented a teenager yet, so the way I speak about my kids is different, at the moment.
I may have felt similar at some points, when autistic 4yo son has been angryily screaming for 3 hours straight and it's begining to get light, I have said comments such as 'he needs psychiatric drugs' and spoke about him in a really ditached way.
Maybe this is a similarily stressful time for you, and you usually do come across as more attached and loving.
It's not fair for me to judge on this thread alone, so sorry.

Thank you himynameisfred... I change my approach in AIBU because it has a particular 'vibe' and trying not to drip feed so long posts, and being quite 'matter of fact'. I may have come across unemotionally, please don't worry, x

Thank you saltyair, you are expressing eloquently some of the concerns that are behind my doubts that really need addressing.

He is already hooking up with lads that are known for trouble, whatever their reason (I am not judging, as I know too well how often troubled youth have troubled backgrounds). In fact the level of trouble has escalated in the last term which coincides with him knowing them. It might not be in any of their interests to spend more time together.
One of them called me a 'silly bitch' and then DS went on to call me a 'fucking bitch' over Christmas, where as this had been a line he would never have crossed.

I am talking today with him and his Dad and think the suggestion of seeing an all over improvement in key areas is a good one, that then gives us better grounding and he might find he feels more settled for being in control of his own actions.
The Easter suggestion feels comfortable and gives us all breathing space to make sure it is the best decision for him. Thank you.

You sound like a mum who is trying to problem-solve. That level of thought is part of parenting, IMO. I am glad this thread is helping. It's so very hard to know what to do for the best

sorry, mynameisfred, didn't see your last post