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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to go out for mils birthday this afternoon. I feel very uncomfortable with them.

38 replies

oflip · 06/01/2012 11:25

They just dont like me, never have so i avoid them.

Been with DH for 18 years, we have an 8 year old.

Last saw them this time last year. They live 20 minutes away from us.

I feel very very let down by them, and would rather avoid them.

Its her birthday, ive bought her a big bag full of lovely stuff.
They are going for a meal, dh, ds, bil, fil & mil. I usually just say im working.

I feel uncomfortable, awkward and self concious the whole time i am in their company. We have never had a fall out, they just do not like me.
DH wants me to go, im not working, but really dont want to.
AIBU to say to DH no..

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/01/2012 11:27

YANBU - let DH go on his own - they dont know you are not working....enjoy the peace :)

CailinDana · 06/01/2012 11:27

You've suddenly come down with a cold, poor you. Off you go to bed with a cup of tea. For your DH to expect you to spend time and make nice with people who clearly don't like you isn't fair.

MorrisZapp · 06/01/2012 11:27

Of course you don't have to go. I don't understand all the in laws obsessing on here - if you don't like somebody and they don't like you then you don't have to see them. What's the issue.

ViviPru · 06/01/2012 11:29

No SiL then? Even better - makes your absence less conspicuous (curses to my lovely, self-sacrificing SiL whose PiL abidance highlights my lack thereof)

totallyscunnered · 06/01/2012 11:30

Don't go it's not worth it.

loosyloo · 06/01/2012 11:36

I feel uncomfortable, awkward and self concious the whole time i am in their company. We have never had a fall out, they just do not like me.

maybe you feel they dont like you because they are equally uncomfortable with your discomfiture and feel you are being distant/standoffish/snobby

sounds like a very long time of misunderstandings and poor communication

Salmotrutta · 06/01/2012 11:37

I'm going to disagree

It's one afternoon and your DH has asked you to go.

How does he feel about all this?

bonzo77 · 06/01/2012 11:37

2 points of view from me. My situation is different: they find me weird but OK, but I cannot bear them.....

On the one hand, don't go, its better for your sanity today and short term.

OTOH go. Grin and bear it, go for DHs sake. Show the -stupid little cunts- PIL that you are above all that and you won't let them get between you and your family. Discuss with DH if you can. Explain what you are doing and why, get him on side. If they are openly hostile or nasty, then DH should be backing you up and neither of you should see them, and your DC should not be exposed to their attitudes. If they are able to behave themselves in front of you and your DCs then it is better to do. If you suspect that they might be undermining you behind your back when you are not there but DH and DCs are there, you definitely need to be there, or no one goes. Personally, I think you should be going. I totally understand how hard this is.

Original poster
oflip · 06/01/2012 12:19

DH doesnt comment, wont take me up when i try to discuss it.
Says i am awkward with them...hellooooooo!

He knows how i feel about it, he normally doesnt put any pressure on, usually just grins and says "are you working that day then?" when any arrangements are made. This time he said, are you coming? Do you fancy it?

They dont know that i am not working today BUT little ds will tell them im sure gahhhhh!

OP posts:
MabelLucyAttwell · 06/01/2012 12:21

Why do you feel uncomfortable in their presence if there has never been a row? How do you know that they don't like you? Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Are you the same in other company?

You feel let down by them. What do you think they should have done to help you? They live only 20 mins away so it's possible that they make no moves towards you because you make none towards them. Agree?

fluffyanimal · 06/01/2012 12:21

How do they express their dislike of you?

girlywhirly · 06/01/2012 12:22

My friend had the same situation of mutual dislike between herself and the inlaws, in her case she was expected to attend Sunday dinner every week with husband and DC. She was glad when she had the excuse of doing a part time degree in addition to full time work, which meant she could despatch H and DC to his parents and have a few hours of peace to do her college work with no distraction.

Doesn't help you much, sorry. I think that if after so many years the situation is no better you would be better not going.

ISayHolmes · 06/01/2012 12:23

Don't go. If he's not willing to stand up for you or even talk about it then why should you bother? Tell him you'll consider coming along to these occasions when he starts to recognise how they treat you.. instead of brushing over it.

aldiwhore · 06/01/2012 12:24

If it were me I'd go. I loathe my SIL, and she loathes me. But once a year we make the uncomfortable and unenjoyable effort to eat food with her, BIL and my lovely FIL. It makes DH happy I think (which he never demands I do but I think it means a lot to him I make a little effort annually) because he doesn't then feel like he's lying to his family about my absence. It also make my elderly FIL happy, and I am happy to make that one day sacrifice even if it is a pretence.

Only once a year though. And we don't stay for pudding.

mumto2andnomore · 06/01/2012 12:27

Hard to say if YABU or not without knowing the full details-how do you know they dont like you, have they said anything ?

TheRhubarb · 06/01/2012 12:28

Without knowing more about how you can be so sure they dislike you, then I'm not sure how to advise. Are you just looking for sympathy and excuses not to go?

If they haven't actually done anything horrid to you, then I'm going to say that it would be lovely if you could give the bag of lovely things you've bought your MIL to her yourself.

Is it a special birthday? Is that why your dh wants you to go? How do you deal with other family arrangements? Do they see your ds on his birthday? Or your dh on his? Do you skip other family get togethers too?

It's one meal out. I would go, be lovely to them, warm and welcoming and chatty. Have a few drinks and make them feel awkward instead. Pretend you really really like them and you never know what might happen. One afternoon won't hurt and it might make them realise just how silly they are being. It also shows you to be the bigger person.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

OrmIrian · 06/01/2012 12:28

Yes you have to go. Sorry. It's just one quick afternoon and then it's done.

How do you know they don' like you? Have they said so? perhaps they feel equally uncomfortable with you because they get the impression you don't like them.

FellatioNelson · 06/01/2012 12:31

I agree with loosyloo. Chances are they feel exactly the same about you and are sad about the way it is, but relieved that you do not see them as at least there won't be an atmosphere.

What an awful way to live for eighteen years. How did you get around not seeing them at Christmas?

You don't have to be her best friend, but how hard is it to go through the motions of friendly civility once every 3-6 months for a family lunch or whatever, for the sake of your DH and your child? Considering you have never fallen out with her I am amazed you live like this, and I must conclude that you are perhaps a bit odd, and impossibly chippy. Sorry.

(unless there is some massive backstory.)

deste · 06/01/2012 12:31

Just go, say hello and then speak to your DH and 8 year old and then report back to us. We can then analyse everything they did or said. The plus side is you won't need to cook later on.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 06/01/2012 12:32

go and show them you are likeable, its time they got to know you better and you them.

Salmotrutta · 06/01/2012 12:32

Maybe your DH won't discuss it because he feels like piggy-in-the-middle.

It can't be great for him to be pulled two ways - you are his wife but he is their son.

If it's more a general "awkwardness" rather than out and out horribleness/blazing rows scenario can you not just make the effort.
Have your DCs picked up on this?
Children can become a bit anxious about this kind of rift.

squeakytoy · 06/01/2012 12:34

does your 8yo not wonder why you dont see his grandparents?

vixsatis · 06/01/2012 12:35

It's one afternoon. Go to keep your DH and DCs happy. Be pleasant and give them a chance.

stoatie · 06/01/2012 12:36

My in laws are divorced and both remarried (before I met OH). They live near one another, a substantial (over 100 miles) car journey away from us. The woman my FIL is married to is vile. OH decided to go and visit them both on my only day off over the Christmas period. Although I really did not want to go I decided it would be nice for OH if I did.

On arrival at FILs I was ignored (he was offered a cup of tea - none for me) and over the time we were there (approx 2 hours) she proceeded to be vile (and also ignore re drinks etc) me, then our eldest, then our son (who is 15 - she suddenly decided he was gay as he is lefthanded????and wants to be a chef - he shrugged, said no but would it matter if I was and carried on) and then she started on the little one.

She delights in telling the children they are not her "real grandchildren" even though they have known her as grandma since they were born. We basically absorbed the insults (too numerous to mention) whilst inwardly seething, before going to MILs (she was lovely as is her husband).

At the end of the day it is 2 hours I will never get back - however PIL is lovely (why he is with her I do not know) and as such OH had nice time with his dad. Family row avoided (we don't give her the satisfaction of that) and at end of the day the children are old enough to realise what she is like and basically ignore her.

Salmotrutta · 06/01/2012 12:38

Shock at that stoatie!