I dont want to go out for mils birthday this afternoon. I feel very uncomfortable with them.

[oflip]

They just dont like me, never have so i avoid them.

Been with DH for 18 years, we have an 8 year old.

Last saw them this time last year. They live 20 minutes away from us.

I feel very very let down by them, and would rather avoid them.

Its her birthday, ive bought her a big bag full of lovely stuff.
They are going for a meal, dh, ds, bil, fil & mil. I usually just say im working.

I feel uncomfortable, awkward and self concious the whole time i am in their company. We have never had a fall out, they just do not like me.
DH wants me to go, im not working, but really dont want to.
AIBU to say to DH no..

No! I dont feel this way with anyone else in the world.

I get the impression that they dont think that i am a proper wife/girlfriend becuase i dont and have never fallen over myself to kiss dh's feet with everything he does. They are imensly proud of him. (He is a good egg btw)

I have my own career and my own interests which is how we work, we are individuals afterall even though we are married.

I have had mcs, and they have never been near.
MIL once phoned up for DH, i had got home from hospital that morning after mcing overnight in hospital. I must have sounded awful. DH had told them about the loss, they knew.
She commentated at how awful i sounded. I told her that i was in pain, but couldnt take the painkillers given to me as they made me spaced out and i had little ds to look after.
She just said "oh, tell dh i phoned when he gets in". It was that really that ended any comeback to a decent relationship.
Severe PND and not even an offer to take the baby for a walk in the pram around the block for an hour. Sat there waiting for me to make them a cup of tea though.

They are not nasty people, not argumantative, quite the opposite, the shove everything under the carpet type people.

They have very little to do with my ds who is their only gc, and i feel upset about that, mil doesnt work, but claims to be very busy...taking her dog for a walk twice a day and going to the post office once a week.

Loads of things really, but all surrounding expectations on their part and on mine too i spose.

Well I still think you need to show a united front with your dh and your ds. He cannot change his mum and dad and perhaps you ought to put yourself in his position - he must be very embarrassed to have to make excuses for you year after year and also very sad that his parents (who are proud of him as you say) and you, the love of his life, don't get on. For his sake I would bury my pride and go.

Yes they have been ignorant. Perhaps they don't deal well with emotional issues, perhaps they didn't know what to do or say, perhaps they live old fashioned lives with old fashioned roles and don't quite know how to take you, but they did a good job in raising your dh. So take a deep breath and just go.

Your dh clearly wants you there, or he wouldn't have asked again. Do it for him.

aww therhubarb, thats a lovely way of seeing the good in a difficult situation, thanks for an alternative view.

Sounds like the way my mum was with my brother's wife. Even when nothing is said directly, you can get a feeling off someone. Mum never respected sil at all. AFAIK she never said anything nasty to sil's face, but said plenty behind her back. I have nothing but respect for sil for putting up with it.

YANBU at all to not want to go.

Sorry to hear about your MCs and PND.

Don't go...they aren't worth your time.

I can see how that is upsetting, but you just have to put things aside. I've drawn a line under various rude and downright horrid things my SIL (DH's sister) has done and said over the years and we now get on pretty well.
She thought I was a snobby cow, I thought she was a manipulative bitch - it is very possible that both of those things are true, but for the sake of DH and all our children we decided to start over and now we see them regularly and all is well and happy.

I think you should go, for your husband. And I think you should be pleasant and perhaps it will be the start of a new chapter. You cannot possibly thaw the ice and develop any kind of relationship if you only see them for a few hours once a year.

my PIL are simply just not like me at all, they are very formal and unemotional DH grew up in an 'educational' setting but not one with lots of hugs and warmth, they were a happy family but different to mine who were always warm and huggy IYKWIM dh has changed a lot since we got together and 22 years later I still find his folks a bit formal. they are not enthusiastic about our children but clearly care just show it by giving money rather than hugs, they see them rarely but deep down I feel they do care just that my folks show it with love and they show it with cash give them a chance op and you may find they are ok just 'different' I always felt PIL looked down on me as I was ' a bit common ' working class northern lass an all that but at the end of the day their DS loves me so meh

They sound grim. Life's too short to put up with that stuff. Don't go.

I think you should go. I feel sorry for your DH making excuses for you. Sounds like he is keen for you to go. They live 20 mins away and you last saw them a year ago. I think that's really sad.

Your descriptions of what they've done to upset you sound fairly trivial to me. Lots of people of that generation are a bit awkward about personal issues. Very sorry for your mc, but MIL phoned to see how you were, acknowledged that you sounded rough and then asked you to let your DH know that she had phoned (presumably because she wanted him to know that she was concerned). Doesn't sound too bad to me

Just re-read my message. Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh. Don't mean to be offensive. Just offering my view. Feel free to ignore

OP did you go?

I love a good outlaws thread! Similar, my MIL and SIL hate me. It's a combination of things, we are chalk and cheese, but they basically think that it's impossible for me to be a good mum AND have a career and have been nothing but interfering, vindictive and judgey since I had DS.

Here's another tact - I see them when I have to, not every time DP goes over but every other time. And I go out of my way to be NICE AS PIE despite seething inside. Yes it's two-faced as I cannot bear them. But the way I see it as long as I am the model DIL/SIL they got nothin' on me! And my conscience is clear. They carry on slagging me off behind my back, unjustifiably of course as I haven't done anything wrong.

It took ages for me to turn it around as it were, and I used to get SO hurt by their nasty behaviour, but now I sit back smugly and laugh at their pettiness. It makes me feel superior

I wouldnt go to my mils either. I love to vote with my feet, as they say.

Why let the old bag upset you. Chin up!!

What therhubarb said. Only she put it so much more eloquently than I could have.

Life is too short