AIBU to ask what ever happened to the hardcore mums

[CreamolaFoamless]

I'm not trying to offend anyone but what happened to the hardcore mums , big sisters, big brothers

And by harcore I don't mean chavvy , just people in the family who when there 'child' is getting bullied , or picked on, wade in all guns blazing and say

'see if you ever dare do that again you'll have me to answer to'

It doesn't seem to happen these days ,,,everyone seems to have a softly softly approach to sorting out problems

It might be the right approach , I don't know, it perhaps is effective in a nice flimsy way

But in my day, yes I am old, Im nearly 43 .....if someone was getting picked on or bullied the whole family would stand up for there's and make sure the bully never came tried it again .

Throughout my childhood I cant recall a single person getting bullied . I do think this because big brothers, big sisters ,mums and dads, weren't scared of political correctness

A children we cowered if another persons mum came down to the park and shouted at us

I get the impression that officialdom think that bullys torment others because they just don't know it hurts them. Experience tells me that bullies' objective is to cause hurt.

I think officialdom recognise they do it because they are being nasty, often because of their own difficulties/flaws, but by treating them as not understanding that it hurts, they think they can get them to change.
For the less violent, more thoughtful yes, it may be a strategy, but for the truely nasty screwed up lot who need to harm others to feel allright, or batter as a group to be part of something, it's just funny and teaches them no one will or can do anything to stop them.

ok what would you advise my younger self aged 10/11 to do?

say to a girl who wants to kick my head .....'now are we not being hasty here , surely we can work this out like adults'???

Creamola I think some people haven't directly experienced the 'you are now going to ?fight? me in front of my friends so I can show how hard I am and how worthless you are, or be beaten up here and now for refusing', and think saying the right thing will actually make it all go away and not come back.

For what it's worth I think your parents did the right thing for the situation in their day. Stopped you appearing to vulnerable but made sure they could prevent you getting too hurt.

I would have expected your parents to talk to the girl's parents first of all. If that didn't work I would expect them to talk to the school (if that was relevant) and to find out ways of keeping you safe. What if the girl had fought back and really hurt you? Or had beaten you up when you were far from home? It's very lucky that it did solve your problem but I would never advocate violence to a child, ever.

thank you JustGettingOnWithIt ...most childhood fights are more scuffles than fight though..just people poncing about try to look like Rocky Balboa for the top spot.

It's the underhanded tormenting of another weaker individual where my 'hardcore mums' arrive

Plenty hardcore mums round my way. And they bully their own kids IMO. So I'm pretty sure that their kids will end up bullying mine.

My Mum was a 'hardcore' Mum. She would wade in and sort anyone out who picked on me,.. but I didn't like it ! When I was being bullied I would try to hide it from her because she would make it worse. One time, she saw a girl bully picking on me and she grabbed hold of her and told me to hit the girl ! I was petrified to hit the girl,..and petrified not to !
I would not deal with it the way my mother did with my own children - but I would be having a chat to the bully and/or their parents.

the school had nothing to with it CailinDana it was an out of school thing .

We were all friends one day, next day she wanted fight me. She was not my favourite friend , and in hindsight I really didn't like her much

What would have been achieved by my parents talking to her mum (her dad was saudi arabi ...or jail depending on who you talked to )

Would my mum and dad approaching her mum and say 'could you please prevent xxx from punching our daughter in the face , that would be awfully kind of you' solve the problem?

That one they let me fight my own battle ...and it went 'she tried to pull my hair , I tripped her up' ..no one got hurt but she never tried it again .

Sometimes kids have to scuffle , just like any other animal

One incident spring to mind at DS2's school. Two girls in cloakroom in the morning. One of them said something to the other, both girls were giggling. Mum of the one who hadn't said it grabbed the girl by the arm and yelled at her daughter to follow her. Found a teacher and made her DD tell her what the other girl had said. Both kids in floods of tears by now. Teacher a bit bemused. Parent presumably very proud of herself but everyone else thought she was a moron.

When DS1 was in the same school in Yr 6, he had a gf who was best friends with another girl. He made a joke to his gf, not directed at anyone in particular. His gf put it on Bebo (or something like that) and said DS had said it about her best friend . Not sure of the details as neither I nor my DC use Bebo. Anyway girl's hardcore mother collared me at great volume in the playground next morning and gave me such a telling off about it all. Also said it was a good thing her DP wasn't there as he'd have 'gone for' DS. A 10yr old. Nice eh?. Teacher was forced to deal with it even thought she admitted to me it was a fuss over nothing. Girl was humiliated by her mum being such a stupid cow and drawing it to everyone's attention, DS was distraught as he is one of the nicest boys you could meet, most of the kids in the class took his 'side' and all in all it was a complete fucking disaster for all concerned.

I still bristle when I see her. One of the few people I think I actually dislike intensely.

You can keep your hardcore mothers thanks. Well,keep them away from me and mine anyway.

There are always ways of dealing with things that don't involve shouting and being belligerent.

oh my definition of hardcore is obviously different to most, oops

I'm just referring to spunky people , not nunchuck wielding thugs

Well in that case what you're describing Creamola isn't a bullying situation it's a spat between friends. I would say in that case your parents' advice was even more odd - rather than helping you to sort out a worrying situation with your friend they advocated you scaring the life out of her and ending the friendship. Granted you didn't like her much but it still seems odd to me.

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that most people's ideas of what being 'picked on' or 'bullied' is, is quite minor stuff in comparison to what I think it is. I?m talking about the levels at which lives get ruined if something doesn?t happen.

The point were belligerence and threats come in is when you?ve tried everything, involved all the authorities and none of it is working because your child?s getting seriously hurt and everyone thinks we need to understand the aggressors and there?s little that can be done until they either do enough damage or are old enough to be put away. (Their younger siblings are already champing at the bit)
At that point the message to me is simple, if I become the aggressor everyone will understand, and indeed they did, but I still find it sad and feel very let down.

I'm a hardcore mum and I find it does get things done and people don't mess with you I'm not offensive or threatening, just assertive and perhaps a bit cheeky.

cailindanna are you and me inhabiting the same planet ?

You seem to have invented your own little scenario about me 'scaring the life' out of a girl and my parents selling tickets to watch it !

If you took the time to read what I posted and digested it ...oh what's the point you've made your mind up already

Cailindanna
WHat would you tell a child to do if a nasty bigger kid grabbed hold of them and threatened them then ? Some bullies ( probably most) won't respond to rational and reasonable reactions. Many will only back off if they are 'made' to.