AIBU to ask what ever happened to the hardcore mums

[CreamolaFoamless]

I'm not trying to offend anyone but what happened to the hardcore mums , big sisters, big brothers

And by harcore I don't mean chavvy , just people in the family who when there 'child' is getting bullied , or picked on, wade in all guns blazing and say

'see if you ever dare do that again you'll have me to answer to'

It doesn't seem to happen these days ,,,everyone seems to have a softly softly approach to sorting out problems

It might be the right approach , I don't know, it perhaps is effective in a nice flimsy way

But in my day, yes I am old, Im nearly 43 .....if someone was getting picked on or bullied the whole family would stand up for there's and make sure the bully never came tried it again .

Throughout my childhood I cant recall a single person getting bullied . I do think this because big brothers, big sisters ,mums and dads, weren't scared of political correctness

A children we cowered if another persons mum came down to the park and shouted at us

We're still around. My older children all suffered bullying which the school did not sort out after numerous meetings with the head teacher. It wasn't the child I told in no uncertain terms...it was the mothers. It worked and it stopped.

I am 45 and consider myself 'old school' in that I won't be dictated to by a child. I'm the adult/parent and not their equal.

I'm not a tyrant by any means but I suppose I parent as my own did in the 1960's/1970's.

It almost sounds as if you think am the mum of bullies ..........which is very far from the case

But I remember my my SIL coming down to the park and shouting at people for picking on her wee brother (who i went on to marry)

I remember other mums watching the park and saying 'oi you get off him he's too wee'

I have also reprimanded unrulely children when they have had a go at my kids.

Its not an adult threatening a child it's an adult saying 'stop'

I had a situation where my disabled son was getting bullied. It went on for a very long time. We did the non-hardcore softly softly approach with the school and it was about as much use as a chocolate teapot.

For various unrelated reasons my son got to know older boys on the senior rugby squad at the school.

The first XV allegedly possibly may have scared the crap out of had a word with the bullies down the dark unlit back path to the bus stop.

It never happened again.

the older boys never touched them they just scared the fuck clean out of them and it was the best thing that could have happened the bullies were told touch juniorscunnered again and we will batter the shite out of you

Sometimes, that's what works for these bullies. They don't respond to the softly softly approach.

Agree totally

john morally it makes me uncomfortable, because it feels like the older boys were bullying the bullies (there were 4 picking on my son)

In my defence, I didn't know about it until 6 years later at my son's 18th birthday party when some of the older boys who were there decided after a few beers to come clean.

But it did put a stop to it after almost a year of constant physical assaults.

I think it's totally naive to say no one was bullied in your time OP. Yes there were definitely people being bullied, it's just that you didn't know them or you weren't aware of it. Having been a teacher I agree with cory that the "hardcore" mums are the mums of the bullies. The bully gets caught, a teacher has a word and the hardcore mum comes storming down to school shouting the odds claiming that her precious child would never touch anyone and he/she is the one who is being bullied! I for one would not like to go back to the times when domestic violence was tolerated and teachers could bully/hit children with impunity. I know things aren't perfect now but they're a lot better than they were IMO.

"But in my day, yes I am old, Im nearly 43 .....if someone was getting picked on or bullied the whole family would stand up for there's and make sure the bully never came tried it again ."

I am almost 42 and my mum would just go to the school.

I don't think it happened in your time, just in your family.

I don't remember anyone's mum blazing in and sorting it out, when me and a mate were being picked on my mum's approach was "sort it out between yourselves" and my mates mum advised us to go up to the ringleader and punch her on the nose. All very hands off!

I am 47. The hardcore mums I knew as a child all came from scary families - often large, but always with kids who were scary or bullies themselves. You might get a quietier member of one of those families being bullied, but generally as a child I kept well clear of these families.

I grew up in a very rough area, but all the nice families like mine still tried to sort out any bullying through the school, as it would be done now.

And i agree with smethwickbelle, I think there was a lot more advice from parents to kids which basically amounted to sort it out yourself.

no, folk were bullied but not long term if you see what I mean.

I was bullied by a boy ....he had issues however he cornered me and my friend one day near the witches hat and threw stones at us . Some big stones . He used to pin me down and do 'typewriter' on my chest

When I told my dad he said 'let that one slide he is obviously troubled'

I also had to have a fight one day because a girl a problem with me ..My mum and dad engineered it so the 'fight ' was right outside my back garden.

I was terrified , I thought she might pull my hair or punch me.

The advice I was given was 'swing your right leg under hers, she'll fall no one gets hurt then we will shout you in for your tea/dinner.

It worked she never picked on me again

i had a neighbour who used to come out and tell us all off for chalking on the pavement and making black ice slides down the hill

That is what I mean be hardcore

Yes kids were bullied long term. I remember kids being bullied for years.

Ah, I see what you're getting at if its reprimanding episodes of (perceived) bad behaviour then I do remember incidents, and have witness similar recently.

Some kids were throwing stones at a neighbours window and about three households came out to tell them to stop at once/what did they think they were doing?/we knew their dad etc... Myself included

They scarpered. I believe that is the technical term.

I have had a word with 2 older boys who somewhat terrorise the younger ones at the bus stop, for a while dd didn't want to catch the bus because of them. They weren't bullies though, I wouldn't say, they just instigated a chasing and catching game every morning and didn't give anyone an option about whether to play. I intervened mainly as there were children running into the road to get away .

On the subject of speaking to the parent instead of the children (they are twins) dh suggested that speaking them directly is more low key than going direct to their mum, which makes it seem a bigger deal. The first time I spoke to them they stopped for a week or so then started up again - the second time I told them I would have to talk to their mum if it kept happening, and that put a stop to it! I didn't shout at them or threaten them (except with telling their mum) just asked them to stop as its potentially dangerous. The boys are 12 and the little ones they were scaring are 6 (including my dd) - 8.

I have also told off unaccompanied primary age children for deliberately throwing sand in the faces of younger children in the playground (public not school playground) - I don't think that's hardcore, just normal. DH did shout at one boy who threw ds's tennis racket into a tree and it got stuck there (same boy is a habitual sand thrower and a bit of a mini thug), and he runs away when he sees dh now

Eh, creamola, your parents organised a fight outside your back garden? And advised you on a manoeuvre that could have caused a young girl to split her head open? Em I don't know what to say really.

I agree that adults now seem less likely to tell off children in public. And I don't think that is a good thing. But I have also read lots of threads on here of mums complaining about strangers telling off their kids. In my day, most people accepted it was fine to do this.

My mother was both the bully and the hardcore mother. She put me out there looking scummy and threw her weight around, but when I came home with black eyes cuts or grazes from bullying over it, I?d get a cauliflower ear for coming back like it, but if I got beaten up badly enough she?d go down and beat the crap out of them and any parent that got in the way.
It taught me all sorts of difficult useful lessons, but nothing about love.

I?ve brought my kids up to be respectful and decent, but watched my youngest become everyone?s scapegoat because of his disabilities, and tried very hard to be decent and use systems and negotiate, but we're expected to accept whatever they chose to deem unstoppable. He was pushed out of school by extreme violence which continued on the street as he was now every insecure thug?s official target.

Bullying's a bloody industry and job creation scheme as far as officialdom's concerned! I want it stopped, they want to 'be involved'!

I?ve had to explain to the police that they need to police the aggressors not the victims (and one of their own force) or face the consequences.

I?ve had to explain the laws of natural justice, psychosis, responsibility and chemistry to our estate gang. Do as you will to each other, but enough is enough and the consequences can be high, because I come from worse than you as it goes.

Both lots now begrudgingly acknowledge me on the street and leave my poor lad out of it, but I live waiting for the other shoe to drop and have brought my kids up to get out of here and not look back.

I shouldn?t have had to be like this so my son can get on with an education and being a decent lad, should I?

Sorry, my inner rant just got out!

I have a different attititude. I have worked in HR for 20 years and have dealt with some disgusting behaviour from adults against each other. Mostly the bullying behaviour has been against people who wont or cant stand up for each other. I'm NOT blaming the victims at all, but, no matter who you are you deserve respect. But in my expericence there are some very nice people who bullies wouldnt dare have a go at becuase they will stand up for themselves. they dont need a tiger mum or to resort to violence or stoop to the level of the instigator. I have taught my daughter, through showing her and telling her that she belongs as much as anyone else and noone has the right to cower her, no matter what thier position or status. She isnt a bully, niether does she like to make a fuss..... but she wont be pushed around.

as for telling off other peoples kids... that entirely depends on the situation. i usually point out to my dd that whilst they might behave in that manner, it does mean that we will.

call me a snob if you like!!!!

Listening to the anti bullying adverts here, I get the impression that officialdom think that bullys torment others because they just don't know it hurts them. Experience tells me that bullies' objective is to cause hurt. The only way to deal with them is punishment, and back when I went to school, discipline really was enforced, with no effort whatsoever to understand why kids were behaving badly.

Bullying did happen back then, but I do think there was more authoritarianism in every walk of life, and that held it in check in some ways.

But OP, did you not know anyone who did not have the protection of "hardcore" family? Bullies always went for soft targets like those whose parents were depressed or absent.

no cailinadana ..dress it up any which way you want though eh!

I was being picked on , I was 10/11 at the time .....and a girl wanted to kick my head in.

I was frightend and scared and told my my mum and dad .

They advised me to get the 'fight' to happen really close to my house so they would be near by.

tripping her up was on grass was hardly going to spilt her head open ffs , but it stopped he from punching me in the face

Come and visit DS2's school. We have some. Do you want them? You're very welcome.

Fair enough Creamola. I just wouldn't be in favour of encouraging children to use violence to solve problems. I mean if you carried out the same stunt on another girl in the playground at school, where would it have got you? It seems incredibly short sighted not to teach a child how to deal with conflict situations in a way that they can use throughout their lives rather than just on the grass behind their house with their parents watching.