Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really shocked my friend accused my DP of domestic abuse!

43 replies

kiki22 · 06/01/2012 01:39

ok back ground - DP sleep walks badly he gets up holds full convos, goes to get food, shouts and swears, has the odd boob grab all in his sleep can't remember a thing the next day seems awake but if you put the light on can see his eyes are blank on 3 occations since we've been together he's accidently hit me in his sleep once a punch to my shoulder blade, once clipped the side of my face where he randomly stuck his hand up then let it fall dead and one kicked me right on the arse!! It's never hurt or left a mark at all It's obvious he's having bad dreams as he thrashes about and shouts. He's been doing it since he was 2 i just say his name and it usually snaps him out of it.

A few weeks ago i was talking to a friend about co sleeping with bump once he's here, she feels strongly about co sleeping but explained it's not an option for us due to DP night time wanders and the fact i'd be worried he'd accidently hurt baby so all fine, then my mum phoned me telling me my friend has phoned her about the 'domestic abuse' i'm suffering at the hands of DP my mum set her straight and told me to leave it at that as my friend has been abused by her DP for 4 years and that's why she's jumping to abuse but i am so bloody angry that she would accuse my DP of it everyone who knows DP has heard his many sleep walking storys bit of a running joke. I'm tempted to phone her and tell her just because her DP gets his jollys knocking her about doesn't mean mine does!

WIBU to tell her to keep her accusations to herself god knows if she's told anyone else!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/01/2012 01:47

She is projecting. Please do not have a go at her.

She cant protect herself from abuse but because she loves you she is trying to save you. I know you dont need saving but as I say, she is projecting.

Maybe you could use her call to your mum as a jumping off point to talk about her getting out of her abusive relationship? But please please dont have a go at her. Her actions, while misguided, have come from a good place. She loves you and probably cant bear the thought that you might be suffering even a tiny bit of what she is going through.

She is a good friend.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 06/01/2012 02:00

i co-slept a lot with my two but i'd be inclined to think that it wouldn't be safe if your husband wanders around.

Original poster
kiki22 · 06/01/2012 02:09

bogetface your right feeling more calm now, unfortunatly there is no getting her out she has chosen to be with him and accept the abuse because she loves him we all just have to sit and wait to pick up the pieces again.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo deff not safe DP was all for setting up a booby trap for himself incase he goes to lift baby in his sleep until i pointed out monitor will go off if baby lifted lol poor man is so worried about it it's actually making his sleep walking worse!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/01/2012 02:14

Have you asked about a sleep clinic referral Kiki?

I am considering it for my insomnia (hello! 2 am again....) because I have heard good things about them although I also heard that they can be hard to get on NHS. If he is putting himself and others at risk (you could really play up the violence to get a referral, not nice but if it works....) then he should surely be a priority?

Original poster
kiki22 · 06/01/2012 02:20

we are going to see how it goes first usually he just gets up goes to the kitchen finds some chocy and goes back to bed has never went outside or done anything to hurt himself or anyone else except a few months ago when we moved house, found out i was pg having been told he couldn't have kids and came close to losing his job i personally think it was the stress he's not done anything for well over a month apart from have zombie dreams where he goes 'get to fuck get to fuck' (it's very funny) and go raiding the sweetie cupboard.

I'm a very light sleeper so if he gets up i'll know and if he trys to pick up baby or even goes near him i'll be sending him straight to the doctors!

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 06/01/2012 02:26

oh right gotcha, i think i was reading your post wrong, thought she felt strongly against co sleeping, but see it's other way round. she is a good pal, btw.

Catslikehats · 06/01/2012 07:34

I'm not sure she is a good friend actually.

She is trying to justify her own position by attempting to illustrate that she is not the only victim.

I would be very upset if I thought someone was telling others that my DP was abusing me when it is blatantly obvious that he is not.

Have you spoken to her about her own abuse?

ninkynonker · 06/01/2012 07:47

Blimey, I'd definitely be guilty if that were the case.

Rollersara · 06/01/2012 07:51

My DP once work me up by pulling my hair! He was dreaming I was being attacked by a squirrel and was trying to get it off! Confused. i have had people who don't know his history be a bit Hmm, it does sound like possible abuse out of context, and as I'm now 35 weeks pg I have the same concerns about bump/baby getting hurt. We have a bedside cot next to me so he would have to get past me first!

She could be genuinely concerned and think you are just making excuses to cover up something more sinister because of her own experience. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Bossybritches22 · 06/01/2012 07:55

I can see how your friend is sensitive to others potential to be in her shoes, so I think that's understandable.

However for her to say it to your Mum & not you is not on. Maybe you could have a gentle word & say you appreciate her concern but she needs to concentrate on her own situation not worry about yours. Poor thing probably sees DA in every man at the moment!

pigletmania · 06/01/2012 08:09

I would not co sleep with your dc due to sleep issues with your dh, I personally would not think it was safe and would never forgive myself if anything happened. Really your dh should be getting professional help for this, i.e. referral to a sleep clinic to try and sort out the problem. I think that he should go and see his GP for a referral.

ninkynonker · 06/01/2012 08:11

The OP said they weren't co sleeping.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2012 08:29

I think your friend is upset that you're being subjected to varying degrees of disturbance and violence. If she's experienced DV herself, her view will be coloured by this. She may think that you're using 'sleepwalking' as a way to excuse the behaviour for example. Many women who are victims of DV get extremely upset if friends try to intervene directly and therefore I can also see why she has taken her concerns to your mother.

The answer I would suggest is not to get upset with the friend who's motives appear to be good even if she's approaching it in the wrong way, but to get your husband referred to a sleep clinic because his behaviour is a long way from normal and needs some treatment before you really do come to some harm.

diddl · 06/01/2012 08:31

Maybe she thinks that you are making an excuse for your husband?

If he wasn´t asleep it would be abuse, afterall.

She sounds like a concerned friend & tbh.

BandOMothers · 06/01/2012 08:38

My dh does similar OP and I know that it is not him...but he is seeking help now...it's terrible for him (and me!) tht he never gets proper sleep and we're both afraid he will really hurt me or himself one night.

My DH gets paranoid in his sleep and thinks there's an intruder in the house...I've seen him commando crawl across the bedroom floor...

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 06/01/2012 09:02

She is a victim herself and that's the root of it, whether her actual motivation is to protect you or in a bizarre way to try and deflect attention from her own situation. So don't be angry with her.

It's a tread carefully situation, but seeing as she's taken this step, how about meeting alone and saying, thanks for your concern, that's exactly what good friends would do, help in any way they can to get a friend out of a situation like that, as your own actions have shown, you think it's no way to live do you??

And then ask her what she now thinks YOU should do as an equally close friend. Should you talk to her mum, friends, work colleagues? What does she want you to do??

bottleofbeer · 06/01/2012 09:11

It's all very well saying not to be angry with her but let's not forget here that she's accusing an innocent man of being abusive, projection or not. Wouldn't you be angry if someone was accusing you of that? so why is it any different that she's accusing him?

At the very least she needs to be put straight.

AyeRobot · 06/01/2012 09:40

Has your husband sought treatment for his condition? If he hasn't and he continues to sleep in the same bed as you, despite knowing that he has hurt you in the past and could do again, then I'm not surprised she's concerned given her heightened awareness of DV. Hopefully, that awareness means that she will get herself in a place of safety soon.

Be gentle with her when you talk to her.

grograg · 06/01/2012 10:19

I would very very annoyed if i was you, as you say who else could she have told?

Rollersara · 06/01/2012 11:36

I would be interested if anyone has had useful treatment for this kind of thing. With DP it's rare for him to hurt me (a couple of times a year and usually just scares me waking up suddenly). Although I usually wake up because he is talking or twitching and wake him up before he does do anything.

He's never got out of bed though, that would really worry me with LO around.

TheRhubarb · 06/01/2012 11:42

Oh come on!
Kiki you say you explained to your friend about your dh's sleepwalking, so I presume that was the first she'd heard of it.
Now if she has suffered domestic abuse she might well wonder if that was an excuse to cover abuse. In your case it is not, but it does happen and we know that. Often a victim will cover up for her abuser.

She doesn't go round telling your friends, she acts out of concern for you and has a discreet word with your mum about it. Your mum puts her right and that should be an end to it.

She did not do anything maliciously. Ok, she may be more sensitive to anything that could be construed of as abuse but that is all. You have to admit that sleep walking and hitting out in your sleep isn't all that common and so I'm sure you will have experienced a few raised eyebrows in the past when you've told people about it.

She has done nothing wrong. I would phone her and thank her for her concern but also attempt to put her mind at rest.

She isn't accusing anyone of anything. She had a word with your mum out of concern for you. That's fair enough I think. To be quite frank, I would do the same if I thought there was need for it.

sunshineandbooks · 06/01/2012 12:14

I agree with Rhubarb. It looks like your friend has done this out of the best of motives so I wouldn't be angry. Believe me - " did it in his sleep" is nowhere near the level of creativity some women come up with to cover-up DV so I think it's quite natural for her to assume you're covering for your DP, especially as she's still in an abusive relationship and so probably has no real faith that some men are decent and would never behave like that.

I would simply thank her for her concern and then calmly explain the sleep condition, with evidence if need be. No, you shouldn't have to, but since she would clearly go the extra mile for you (e.g. talking to your mum), I think you could do so for her.

Even though you're not going to co-sleep, and most of the time your DP's sleep walking is confined to fridge-raiding and isn't violent, I still think it's very important you get a sleep clinic referral. Disturbed sleep like this means he isn't getting an adequate amount of the regenerative stage of sleep, which stores up lots of health problems in the longer term.

Congrats on the baby. Smile

ISayHolmes · 06/01/2012 12:21

"I'm tempted to phone her and tell her just because her DP gets his jollys knocking her about doesn't mean mine does!"

Don't do that. This would be a horrible thing to say to someone whose partner abuses them. However angry you are you can certainly explain the differences in your situation without jabbing at her like this and giving her a dig about getting beaten up.

anastaisia · 06/01/2012 12:22

Agree with most of the comments about your friend having good motives and not being too angry about it.

About co-sleeping, I'd wonder if the safest thing for baby might be to co-sleep with you and have your DH temporarily on his own while he either gets his sleep issues sorted OR your baby gets big enough to be a bit less vulnerable to completely accidental harm if your DH added looking after baby in his sleep to some of the other things he does like fridge raiding. At least you'd be right there and able to react immediately, you might be a light sleeper now - but breastfeeding hormones can change the way you sleep sometimes... Obviously that decision is totally up to you, not trying to convince you to co-sleep but it's probably the option I'd go for myself.

kelly2000 · 06/01/2012 12:59

I would speak to her, apart from the fact she was out of line she is going to use this to try to justify her partners abuse towards her and might mean she is more accepting of it. She needs to hear that your DP is not abusing you, that he would never intentionally hurt you nto even when angry and that he is asleep when he does it and has only done it occasionally.

Swipe left for the next trending thread