to be really shocked my friend accused my DP of domestic abuse!

[kiki22]

ok back ground - DP sleep walks badly he gets up holds full convos, goes to get food, shouts and swears, has the odd boob grab all in his sleep can't remember a thing the next day seems awake but if you put the light on can see his eyes are blank on 3 occations since we've been together he's accidently hit me in his sleep once a punch to my shoulder blade, once clipped the side of my face where he randomly stuck his hand up then let it fall dead and one kicked me right on the arse!! It's never hurt or left a mark at all It's obvious he's having bad dreams as he thrashes about and shouts. He's been doing it since he was 2 i just say his name and it usually snaps him out of it.

A few weeks ago i was talking to a friend about co sleeping with bump once he's here, she feels strongly about co sleeping but explained it's not an option for us due to DP night time wanders and the fact i'd be worried he'd accidently hurt baby so all fine, then my mum phoned me telling me my friend has phoned her about the 'domestic abuse' i'm suffering at the hands of DP my mum set her straight and told me to leave it at that as my friend has been abused by her DP for 4 years and that's why she's jumping to abuse but i am so bloody angry that she would accuse my DP of it everyone who knows DP has heard his many sleep walking storys bit of a running joke. I'm tempted to phone her and tell her just because her DP gets his jollys knocking her about doesn't mean mine does!

WIBU to tell her to keep her accusations to herself god knows if she's told anyone else!

Good afternoon, i've calmed down after last nights anger i'm blaming late pregnancy insomnia!

I've spoken to my friend to reasure her DP would never hit me on purpose and he got very upset when he found out he had, i explained that i wasnt covering for him as there was nothing to cover for no marks no suggestion i was simply explaining why i won't co sleep with baby. She accepted it and apologised. I would love to help her and have done in the past but she has chosen to stay with him regardless to what he does tbh it's very hard not to get angry with her he's beat her and raped hit there son and she lets him.

DP might go back to doc once babys here it's calmed down a lot last nights dream was him telling me theres a tear in it and it's quite wee then making actions like he's making a cup of soup lol

Be careful that the sleep deprivation that a baby brings doesn't set your dh off again though.

And I hope you've reported the abuse of your friend's child to social services? Because if she knows her ds is being abused and doing nothing about it, then she is failing in her duties as a mum and her son needs protection against this bully. I would report it.

If you know that the child is hit, then are also letting this abuse continue, by not reporting it.

Hear hear Rhubarb - please consider the safety of your friend's DS here.

I'm afraid there is no treatment for sleep walking/talking unless it is associated with other problems like obstructive sleep apnoea. Given that your DH has been doing this since the age of 2, OP, it's very unlikely that there is any underlying condition that could be treated.

I recently had a patient who slept-walked out of a window. All the sleep clinic could do was advise her to lock windows & doors at night. Contrary to Mumsnet wisdom, not everything can be cured by a referral to hospital.

So your approach sounds very sensible, OP. Ignore those who are telling you that your DH needs treatment - the two of you are already dealing with this in a very sensible way. If it's any consolation, this sort of problem tends to get better with age.

Oh, and YANBU to be upset with your friend but - as the others have said - don't be too hard on her.

There was a growing awareness about the damaging effects of poor sleep and recognition that non-medical treatment can be extremely beneficial in dealing with it. Even if there isn't an underlying condition responsible that can be treated with medical treatment, many sleep problems can be improved hugely by changes in lifestyle/behaviour Granted, you might not need to attend a sleep clinic to work those out, but sometimes the lifestyle changes that benefit sleep are not as obvious as you'd think, and that's where an expert's experience comes in handy.

I also know from personal experience that sometimes sleep problems are dismissed as not problematic enough to warrant further investigation unless they are causing an immediate and severe impact. People are often advised to simply find coping mechanisms. I had this with my DD and was told she couldn't possibly have x, y, z because she didn't fit the typical profile. I refused to give up, and when I eventually got referred was told by a consultant that she should have been referred much sooner. Needless to say, she was treated and her problems improved immeasurably.

If there is genuinely nothing that can be done, then yes you accept it and find coping mechanisms, but that should never be accepted without first exploring all possible avenues, starting with simple things like diet, exercise, routine, sleeping quarters, etc.

If you've already explored all these avenues, kiki, forgive me for teaching you to suck eggs. I don't mean to, but this is a particular bugbear of mine (even though I sleep fabulously myself) as I have had four people close to me be told that nothing could be done when that wasn't the case and something was done eventually.

My dh suffers insomnia and we discovered that watching his diet affected his sleep. He cut down on his caffine intake and didn't eat later than 7pm. If he got hungry he had some hot milk and his sleep improved drastically. But he got bored of living "like a monk" so he's gone back to his old ways and now wakes up at 2am every morning for a few hours.

I've told people about some of the crazy things I do in my sleep (sleep walking, I get night terrors) and have never been accused of domestic violence. Perhaps being female I get more pity than

Just to set your mind at rest, my husband does very similar things in his sleep (although he's never got up to get food!). He talks and shouts. He thinks people are in the room or there are mice in the bed, or I'm hurt. Twice (in our almost 11 years together) he's punched me. Once was quite hard in the head and once I think I was just in the way of his flailing arm. We didn't co-sleep as such, but I have quite often brought our boys into our bed if they're having a disturbed night and nothing untoward has ever happened. I don't even remember him talking in his sleep while they've been there actually. I wonder if it's because you sleep more lightly (at least I do) with a child in the bed?

I would actually be quite angry,

She did a very stupid thing, IF your DP was that way inclined and that accusation got back to him if would have gotten very nasty for you!. put that angle to her.

more about going behind your back and creating drama, becasue now it will be in your mums mind brewing away.

She probably is more sensitive to this because of her own abuse, but tbh her sensitivity and proactivness could be put to better use getting out of her own than destroying other peoples relationship.

But I do think she did it with the best intent.

So, SillyOldBear01, if you suspected that your friend was being beaten, you would do nothing about it because presumably there is a danger that by talking to your friend's MUM, it might get back to your friend's DP?

Have you ever thought that posts like this might just prevent someone from helping someone they suspect of being abused because they'll will now fear a reprisal just like some of the responses on this thread?

I think she handled it in a sensitive way in going to the OP's mother and not anyone else. I'd far rather someone acted if they thought I was being battered, even though I'm not, than just ignore it and live with their suspicions. It would also make me think about the way I word things in future.

I also cannot believe you think that the OP's friend did this to create drama rather than out of concern for her friend! And destroying relationships? Seriously?

I have contacted social services and so has a few others and the police contacted them due to being called out by my friend and her DS being there every time, SS are working with her she is currently pg again her DS is registered as high risk and new baby likely will be 2. It's a very hard situation she hardly speaks to her family because she knows they hate her DP and want her away from him and she won't confide in anyone but me i'm left stuck because if i take the hard approach she will withdraw and i won't have a clue whats going on so have to be very softly softly with her but honestly at times just want to scream at her :(

I find it crazy that she is so concered and outraged at the thought of me being abused but will accept it for herself and her son.

You are entitled you be furious. You should tell her straight out what a vile thing it is to falsely accuse an innocent man of abuse and how dare she. Tell her that it is unacceptable for her to project her own experience onto you and that you will not tolerate someone you spreads such disgusting lies about your family.

Have no sympathy, it is women like her that make it so difficult for genuine abuse victims to be believed. Say that too.

Don't continue this friendship unless she apologise's to both you and your dp and convinces you of her remorse.

Her vicious lies are attacking your family and you have a responsibility to protect your family from this toxic woman and her mental problems.

bobbledunk. what. the. fuck?

Just been reading your other posts, bobbledunk. Welcome to Mumsnet, I'm sure you'll make a lot of friends here.

I'm not sure if this is something you have considered but I was in an abusive relationship and the best thing my best friend did for me at the time was cut contact with me, she had supported me but in the end she sat me down and said she couldn't stand by knowing about it but not being able to stop it so she couldn't be friends with me anymore because it was hurting her too much to see me in that situation - it sounds harsh - at the time I thought how can you leave me when I'm already suffering BUT it was the best thing she ever did for me because after a few months without her support I realised he wasn't more important than her, I needed her more than I needed/ wanted him and it was that with the combination of counselling, ad's and a couple of new friends which finally made me get rid of the scumbag. I contacted her when I had split and moved to a new house and she was ready to be my best friend again just as she said she would be as soon as I'd got rid of him for good and we have been friends for 18yrs now (had been friends for about 7 years then).

Just thought I'd put my twopence worth in.

I really hope your friend can get out of the situation soon.

Not what I meant was what if her mother hadnt handled it so sensitively? and began shouting off either way it wouldn't end well for OP.

As much as bobbledunk worded what she said awfully she does have a point.

so sad about her kids.