ExP (of 5+ years) expects me to answer every text immediately...

[FanDanceLil]

Just looking for some insight really as to whether my exP is being unreasonable. We have DS together (aged 10) and we separated over 5 years ago, I am now married and have 2 daughters with DH. He and I speak via text messaging (his preference). Mostly, this seems to work ok, all conversations are written down so no confusion and we don't have to speak to each other (long back story).

Occasionally though, he'll text and I won't get the message (we live in a poor signal area or not got phone with me, not heard phone, battery dead etc) and he'll turn up on the doorstep to ask me directly, usually within half an hour to an hour of the first text (His personal best is about 13 text messages in a half hour period each becoming more aggressive, insulting and threatening).

I have never stopped him from seeing our DS, in fact DS decides when he wants to see his dad to a greater of lesser degree now anyway. I always answer his requests/questions once I receive the message and am able to do so, more difficult if I'm at work, and I have told him numerous times that I will never answer any threatening/insulting messages he sends to me.

The turning up has happened several times last year and, the last time on 30th October, I was heavily pregnant (due 31st Oct) had DD in the bath and in-laws were visiting. He basically wanted to know what was happening with DS for the following week as he knew I was about to give birth.

Basically, I hadn't answered his text quickly enough as I was bathing DD at the time and when I said that turning up like this was unacceptable he replied I should have answered 'because I know what he's like'!?!

(Just as a footnote, I left him because he was very controlling, verbally abusive, tried to stop me seeing my family and refused to work so we lost our own home when DS was 2.)

Sorry this has turned out to be so long, if you've got this far well done

It sounds like he's still trying to be abusive and controlling.

"You should do x because you know what I'm like". Erm, no, he should take responsibility for his own actions.

You're not unreasonable here, he is. He still wants you do jump when he says jump and thats not on.

YANBU to not text him back immediately, and he needs to understand that he cannot control you like this anymore.

My exh was exactly the same as yours. It took me nearly 8 years to get out of the habit of trying to placate him. You are in a new marriage now and have other priorities.

Next time he texts you respond when you are able, but not immediately. If he turns up on the doorstep either you, or your husband (Yes, I am ashamed to admit I still hide behind mine occasionally) should tell him that you are busy and that you will respond when you can. Eventually he will get the picture. It took my exh 2 years and 2200 miles (we had to move for my husbands work) to realise he cannot control me or our ds anymore.

Be strong.

I'd probably consider sending a pleasant email pointing out that:

a. You have always answered communications about your son promptly and fairly;

b. You are not however obliged to answer any message within any time frame but your own;

c. You think that text communication generally works well between you and you think that it would be a great shame if this had to stop, as it will if he chooses to use it to display threatening, harassing or anti-social behaviour;

d. You are emailing to let him know that the next time he sends a threatening text OR visits and acts threateningly because you have not answered his communications in his timeframe, then you will regrattably have to cease text communication, change your number, and will from then on expect arrangements to be made by email in advance. This will be less convenient for him.

e. Finally - that his threatening behaviour isn't going to make one jot of difference to how you respond to him - you'll continue to answer all communication at times convenient to you - but it certainly might end up affecting the way his son sees him, which would also be a pity.

Oh and also tell him that you regret to say that next time he turns up and behaves that way, you'll simply call the police. Again, this can only have a negative affect on all relations.

Thanks for the replies.

Natasha Yes I do try to sort things out but he normally brings DS into it (asks to speak to him first) so it's hard to just dismiss him at the door because DS is stood there.

The last time was because as I was having the baby on the 31st, he'd told DS he could stay on Sunday night (because all babies arrive on time don't they!) and have the day off school because I would be in hospital, this was what he was texting me about so he could plan his week ahead.

He, as far as I am aware, hasn't seen anyone else since we split up and my family reckon it's because he's got nothing better to do.

When I was with him I was scared of him (hence staying for 11 years) and it took me over 2 years to not jump everytime my phone went off.

I know I was stupid for putting up with him and there isn't a day goes by when I don't methaphorically kick myself up the arse for not telling him to f - off when he started the controlling behaviour. It still makes me angry :(

I don't respond to anyone's texts immediately (and some I don't find for a while)!

Why can't important information about contact with your son be sorted out once a week, or month, usually at the same time? Why this need for sudden information at all? What else do you need to be talking about?

Have you ever said that you don't want him calling round uninvited? I wouldn't want that at all.

TheCrunch I've tried to make contact so it's exactly the same every week so we need only to get in touch if somethings different. He has DS overnight once a week and picks him up from school on the same 3 days each week.

His threats are nowadays based around DH telling DS off over something, usually the normal trival stuff (leavng lights on in empty rooms, leaving toys around, getting a bit rough when playing with DD (aged 2) and that he's going to 'come round and sort him out' but never does (I have kept all these types of messages after speaking to a solicitor a couple of years ago). Apparently, he shouldn't have any say over DS's behaviour in his own home.

Huh? If he needs to tell off your son about something that happens at his house, he can do it there and then, or report back for you to deal with if he's not sure how it fits in with what's normal at home... um, that's it, surely?

well next time he threatens violence, tell him you will make a complaint to the police.

lottie It's usually around school holiday time, ex works permanent nights so wants to spend more time with our DS which is fair enough. As I said in my last post, the last time was when DD2 was due.

I just don't see why he can't wait at all for an answer, it's not like I don't answer them and I try to be as reasonable as possible. DH has a lot of trouble with contact with his DS and I just don't want to get into that as I can see what a detrimental effect it's having.

I have only just managed to get him to pay maintenance for DS. Tried the CSA route but he just kicked off big time and threatened to knock DH's head in so DS didn't want to leave DH on his own as he thought his dad wouldn't do anything if he was there. Apparently he really resents paying it because 'I get child benefit for this sort of thing'.

Sorry didn't make myself very clear, ex P doesn't like DH telling DS off for bad behaviour in our house.

so did you not go down the CSA route. It sounds like he knows every will dance to his tune and not report him if he threatens violence.

I'd speak to the police, and see if they can pay him a little visit.

He's just trying to exert some (very residual) control, it may actually be fairly easy to sort out if you send a very clear message that it isn't going to get him what he wants - which is to SEE YOU RESPOND.

So I'd email saying that next time he harasses by text, you'll no longer answer texts at all and the only communication will be email, in advance. And that the next time he turns up at the door when uninvited, you'll call the police, even if DS is there, because you think it's more important now for DS to see that you can't bully people.

Point out that his actions don't make any difference to you, you won't hesitate to call the police and have him removed from contact with you, completely. The only people affected will be him and his relationship with DS. Make it clear that he doesn't have a hold over you in the form of DS - he's shot himself in the foot there, he's used DS as a shield to allow him to harass you - so you're quite happy for DS to witness the police being called.

And I'd go back to the CSA. And if he threatens you with anything, calmly say that that's the kind of behaviour that's going to see him get a caution and end up with supervised contact only.

I think the only way you'll achieve long-term peace is to fight back, really. He's doing this because it gives him a feeling of power to see you worry and change behaviour to accommodate him. Stamp that out.

Oh I see, that makes more sense, I'd skated over 'DH' and thought your ExP was threatening your son. Right, well none of his business obviously.

One of the main points being, of course, that you do genuinely teach your son a valuable lesson here - that threatening and bullying is wrong, and that you his mother won't take it.

I don't want anything from him personally but just want him to provide for his son.

The amount the CSA asked him for seemed quite high, I know he works nights but I have no idea what he actually does for a living.

He says that he'll quit working if I continued with CSA route and would lose his house and car so DS would suffer. Plus he was obviously putting all sorts of crap into DS's head and his school work became affected. Sols advised me not to stop contact though.

I think theCrunchunderfoot's email further up was brilliant.

send it send it send it

What TheCrunch said, exactly, and make sure you impress upon him that if he does it again, or threatens your DH, you'll go to the police and report him for harassment. You have to be super-firm. You're still feeling threatened by him and being manipulated by him - basically, you're still being too nice.

Why should you care if the CSA amount seems a bit high - he hasn't cared enough to pay maintenance for years and years and he didn't give a shit how that affected you and his DS, did he?

Why should you be reasonable with him when he turns up and makes unreasonable demands - he obviously doesn't care or even think about how his behaviour affects your DS.

Besides, you have a responsibility to your DS to demonstrate that this is not behaviour that a woman will or should put up with. You are setting the template for how your DS will treat women in the future, so it won't hurt to show him that this ends here. Your ex is acting completely mental; controlling and abusive. Do not engage with him when he behaves this way, or it will never end. Be prepared for bad behaviour when you stand up to him, but it's just like a toddler pushing the boundaries - he will continue to behave this way for as long as it gets him what he wants.

Good luck!

He won't quit his job, the CSA are reasonable in the amounts they suggest. He is threatening things and you are doing what he wants. Refuse to engage.

Deal with the CSA, tell him if he thinks it's too much, he can appeal. If he decides to give up his job and lose his house that's his business, not yours, you aren't with him anymore and ^his wellbeing isn't your concern anymore."

Contact the police everytime he is threatening, even if DS is there and hears, because right now, DS is learning the way to get what you want is to behave the way his father does, that's not a lesson you should be teaching your son.

His behaviour is very worrying....

You don't want to endanger either yourself or your children.

I agree with the comment..."don't engage" with him

He is still trying to control you...and that is not acceptable. I think it's time to find another way of sorting out access...through a third party IF (and only IF) you feel that he is safe for your child to be around.

Definitely report any threats to the police and note down dates, times and details of any threatening behaviour. You need to take control of this NOW!

He says that he'll quit working if I continued with CSA route and would lose his house and car so DS would suffer.

That\s his choose to work or not, to give up his house and car if he wants - yes his ds will be sad not to be able to go and stay - but such is life.

You have to make sure in every thing he says - you reply with

that is your choice, I can't make those choices for you.

he wants to control you by guilt - so give it back to him on a plate, and keep giving it back to him.

He, as far as I am aware, hasn't seen anyone else since we split up and my family reckon it's because he's got nothing better to do.

This could also be concerning. Why hasn't he moved on? Is he still obsessing over you? Sounds like it....

As someone completely outside the situation...red flags should be waving and alarm bells ringing loud and clear

He is still trying to control you. Thinking he will kick your DH's head in cos you went to CSA? This man is a complete scrote. tell him you will deal wih him by e mail only and if her arrives on your doorstep, you will call the police.

Sen that e mail that TheCrunch said, and get straight back to CSA.

If it would not put you in any danger - perhaps you should stop answering his texts straight away. The ones you do now I mean. Tell him that you will reply to his texts in the evenings only and if there is an emergency involving your son, then communication will be via phone call.

You need to show him that you will never jump to attention when he calls. You don't HAVE to reply to him at once. You will do it at your convenience.

You should also report him every time he is threatening. He needs to know that you are not going to put up with it any more.