ExP (of 5+ years) expects me to answer every text immediately...

[FanDanceLil]

Just looking for some insight really as to whether my exP is being unreasonable. We have DS together (aged 10) and we separated over 5 years ago, I am now married and have 2 daughters with DH. He and I speak via text messaging (his preference). Mostly, this seems to work ok, all conversations are written down so no confusion and we don't have to speak to each other (long back story).

Occasionally though, he'll text and I won't get the message (we live in a poor signal area or not got phone with me, not heard phone, battery dead etc) and he'll turn up on the doorstep to ask me directly, usually within half an hour to an hour of the first text (His personal best is about 13 text messages in a half hour period each becoming more aggressive, insulting and threatening).

I have never stopped him from seeing our DS, in fact DS decides when he wants to see his dad to a greater of lesser degree now anyway. I always answer his requests/questions once I receive the message and am able to do so, more difficult if I'm at work, and I have told him numerous times that I will never answer any threatening/insulting messages he sends to me.

The turning up has happened several times last year and, the last time on 30th October, I was heavily pregnant (due 31st Oct) had DD in the bath and in-laws were visiting. He basically wanted to know what was happening with DS for the following week as he knew I was about to give birth.

Basically, I hadn't answered his text quickly enough as I was bathing DD at the time and when I said that turning up like this was unacceptable he replied I should have answered 'because I know what he's like'!?!

(Just as a footnote, I left him because he was very controlling, verbally abusive, tried to stop me seeing my family and refused to work so we lost our own home when DS was 2.)

Sorry this has turned out to be so long, if you've got this far well done

Thanks again for the responses.

I do worry that DS will repeat his dads behaviour and try hard to correct it where I can.

I've tried to keep the peace where I can with my ex so it doesn't affect my son so much but I can see how this could also have the opposite effect of teaching DS that you can get your own way by behaving like this. I'd be mortified it DS grew up with his dads attitude to everything.

I will be using the email approach and pinching the points TheCrunch has made in it

Tell him that if he doesn't stop this nonsense contact will be made solely through the solicitor and solely relating to childcare issues.

I woud still go throught the CSA, let him quit work, and loose his house and car. beside she does relaise he woudl have to go on jobseekers, and they woudl make him look for work - not a great situation for a bully.

I do try to sort things out but he normally brings DS into it (asks to speak to him first) so it's hard to just dismiss him at the door because DS is stood there

If he asks to speak to DS, make sure you have your say first, you need to stand firm really. He can certainly see DS after you've discussed his unreasonable behaviour. Its not acceptable for him to turn up at your doorstep, neither is it reasonable for him to ask to speak to his son when the very reason he is there is not for a visit but to have a go at you for not jumping when he says jump.

TheCrunch's email is perfect.

Right! WRT the X bringing DS into things. STOP that right now!

Take DS into the kitchen/elsewhere, and return to deal with X. Don't speak to him in front of DS. Ever. Nip that game of his right in the bud.

Your ExP has NO right to dictate what goes on in YOUR home. Your DS NEEDS discipline, and if the X was soooo bloody concerned about another man raising his child, he should bloody consider that none of that would have happened if he had not been a vile, angry bully. It's HIS fault that another man is sharing the care of your DS and not him. Tell him that. Don't you DARE pull your punches. You are Mumma Bear, and this is time to ROAR!

STOP trying to keep the peace with your X. He doesn't deserve the reverence, or the respect. He lost that right when he abused you.

If you keep this 'peace' Your son WILL learn from this appeasing behaviour.

Your responsibility to DS is to show him that NO amount of bullying, cajoling or what have you will get his dad ANYWHERE. That IF dad wants anything from you or your family that he has to be nice. REALLY NICE. NO exceptions. You need to be in this game for the long run, cos your X is never going to be a nice person, he will do this nasty stuff until his dying breath, because that IS who he is.

TELL him that if he wants to text or is otherwise incapable of holding civil real conversation with you then he WILL have to accept that you will reply AS AND WHEN YOU SEE FIT... if at all. If he doesn't like it, that really is none of your concern.

He is NOT welcome to just pitch up at your home anytime he pleases, and will restrict coming to your address to pick up/drop off times with your DS.

If he won't adhere to this, tell him that it'll be a contact centre and he'll have to go through the humiliation of EVERYONE knowing that he can't be trusted to see his child alone.

Another one voting for Cruch's email.

I've got an XP who was also abusive (physically as well). When we first split I bent over backwards to be accommodating because I thought it was in our DC's best interests. The expression 'give an inch, take a mile' springs to mind. Then I wised up and played hardball. I wasn't aggressive but I stood my ground and refused to compromise. After an initial tantrum on his part, we now get along just fine. You cannot be on friendly terms with an abuser unless you are the one with the power. And there will always be a power struggle with an abusive ex, never a co-parenting relationship of equals. Sad but true.

Good luck.

Agree with advice for firm action and setting an example of strength and reasonableness for your son.

My earlier point about making arrangements at a regular time was about you and he discussing and making the arrangements, rather than the contact time itself. I just couldn't (and can't) understand why he needs to be texting between times, unless there's an emergency, or why he ever needs to turn up on your doorstep (as you've explained, there is no justifiable reason).

I suppose if he works irregular shifts there is a need for regular discussion about your son's visits but he must know what's happening a week or more in advance. I think you're being generous allowing extra visits in school holidays, if these had not been pre-arranged.

My parents divorced when I was tiny and were at least civil and grown-up about contact and payments. Mum had custody and I saw my Dad regularly at fixed times (he worked regular hours, so no problem sticking to that). If he wanted to include me in a holiday this had to be negotiated months in advance. I think they arranged things by letter, as she didn't like talking to him on the phone and probably wanted written records but it was quite civil and there was no doubt that she was in charge. There were no casual extra visits, all very scheduled, so everyone knew what was happening and could plan around it. It worked well and I have a good relationship with my Dad in adulthood. It's always the idiots who get more attention isn't it!

I know I definitely need to get across that it isn't necessary to constantly text until you get an answer or turn up unannouned and will be putting the suggestions above into practice.

I suppose I just wanted some reassurance that I wasn't being unreasonable in wanting this to stop, which I know he'll claim I'm being. He's always made me feel very guilty, everything was always was my fault, if I was a few minutes later than normal back from work I was obviously having an affair (and I mean less than 10 minutes late), I could never do anything right in his eyes.

At least it's (normally) just about DS now as he used to text constantly about anything, his car failing it's MOT for example, in the tone of 'I need to sort this for him as our son travels in his car' and, more recently, he wanted to know when HIS mum's birthday was.

Writing this all down has helped enormously though and reading back through my posts has kind of made me realise that he's actually being very childish about a lot of things. I'm just angry with myself for the amount of crap I took off him for so long and I'm still doing it!!

Am twirling my finger around, whistling and saying 'he's men-tal'...

does that help?