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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that I should get some time off, too?

35 replies

ChatZoo · 04/01/2012 19:52

Sorry this is long, I'm a first-time poster and don't want to be accused of drip-feeding....

DH works full time and is also doing a business degree. It is something that he decided to do, but he has been able to persuade work to pay the course fees. He goes away for a week at a time (3 times so far in this academic year) and needs to study in between.

I am a SAHM (11 month old DS) and am happy that whilst he is at work I do as much as possible with housework, which depends on how clingy DS is being. Before starting this course, DH used to help out in the evenings, with clearing up after dinner, etc.

Now he usually comes home for dinner then baths DS (I think it is important that he spends some time with DS and often doesn't see him in the morning), whilst I start clearing up after dinner. After I bf and settle DS, I then finish clearing up and do anything else that needs doing round the house. He studies all evening until bed and basically doesn't do anything to help round the house.
He doesn't usually study at weekends but wants to be out doing things as a family so housework doesn't get done then.

AIBU to think that he should help out a bit, maybe leave some of his study to the weekend, so I can have some time off during the week?

OP posts:
MardyBra · 04/01/2012 19:54

Tbh, it sounds like he has a pretty full on week, and assuming you both share the chores at the weekend, then I think your arrangement is fairly reasonable.

ATruthFestivelyAcknowledged · 04/01/2012 19:55

You should definitely get some time off too, but if he did the housework at the weekend then surely you'd still be looking after DS (and therefore not having the time off)?

Cleaner?

OriginalJamie · 04/01/2012 19:55

Have you asked him to set aside some time at the weekend?

EauDeLaPoisson · 04/01/2012 19:56

At least he baths his child- many men dont!

OriginalJamie · 04/01/2012 19:56

I was also going to say - can you afford a cleaner?

Kayano · 04/01/2012 19:58

I think that sounds pretty reasonable to be honest!

Portofino · 04/01/2012 19:59

When did he start? This year? Was there no discussion about how this might work out practically?

Theas18 · 04/01/2012 19:59

Um if he did housework at weekends you'd be left literally holding the the baby still and you'd be here, as other have, complaining "we don't do any family things together" .

I'm afraid you are both up against with work study and childcare. it's a life phase and it will change over time but that's how it is at present.

My only advice is do as little housework as you can get away with!

redskyatnight · 04/01/2012 20:00

I think you should prioritise cleaning etc so that once DS is in bed you can sit down and have the evening to yourself. I know babies are hard work but it really should be possible to keep on top of it during the day plus a quick clean of the worst things while DS is in the bath with DH supervising.

I'd also suggest getting the bulk of the housework during the week so that weekends really just consist of the clearing up as you go along and cooking type jobs. Which I agree you should share but shouldn't be too arduous.

DH's work/study /life balance sounds pretty good to me actually - it's great that he does DS's bath every day and wants to spend family time at the weekend.

StrandedBear · 04/01/2012 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

festi · 04/01/2012 20:02

I think this is a discussion you should both have had prior to him starting this course. However I feel he should be able to wash up and at least run the hoover around every now and again. With you shouldering the majority of house work. when that is possible with bf baby.

He sounds like he has a lot on and that must be quite difficult to juggle, but as a single parent who also bf, and studied and when I returned to work was worked full time and studied pretty much full time also. I would say he is lucky to have you around. I do agree with the not studying at weekend I never could and felt that getting it all done in the evening was the best way, but that was also after cooking, dishes, hoovering etc, so it is managable.

Original poster
ChatZoo · 04/01/2012 20:05

Can't afford a cleaner, especially since this course is going to cost him/us a lot as his work aren't picking up travel, hotels etc.

I have asked him if he could do some study at the weekend but he doesn't want to.

I have done the work and study thing before and I'd certainly rather do what he's doing than be mopping the kitchen floor.

I think perhaps I need an attitude adjustment. I see his study as his time (he is really enjoying it), but struggling to carve out any me-time. I also feel a little Envy when he is away studying and goes out for dinner and drinks every night.

OP posts:
TeWihara · 04/01/2012 20:09

If you're sharing the housework at the weekend then I think it is fair. If the problem is that the housework is building up at the weekend then you need to set aside half a day to really tackle it together - swapping baby between you if necessary.

TBH, when I was full time at home with baby DD and DH was away weekdays I kicked them out of the house together on staurday mornings, had a lie in and did any of the cleaning bits it was a pita trying to do in the week. I needed the time away from DD more than I needed help with the cleaning.

By which I mean, you have to find something that works for both of you and it isn't always about splitting things 50/50 but about making sure you both get a break and a rest.

TeWihara · 04/01/2012 20:10

x-post

I can see that you are miffed if he gets to go out for dinner and you don't! Can you go out at the weekends with friends for some time to yourself?

Original poster
ChatZoo · 04/01/2012 20:10

Cross posted

We did discuss it before he started. He told me it would take about 3-4 hours per week in the evenings as he thought he could do lots during work time. Turns out that wasn't the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChatZoo · 04/01/2012 20:15

We are new to the area so have few local friends and they are 'our' friends so we get together as couples. Was hoping for a night out just before Christmas without him(!) but it clashed with his work so I couldn't go as I couldn't get a babysitter.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/01/2012 20:16

Is there something you'd like to do in the evenings, such as a night class or to go to the gym or a book group?

He is working really hard, both at work and for his degree. I think you're being really unreasonable, to be honest. Your child is 11 months old - yes, they're demanding but surely you can do the bulk of the housework?

Do you think he should spend the day at work, come home to bath the baby, tidy the house and then study for several hours?

I think that you sound as though you're jealous - and I wouldn't blame you if you were. He is enjoying his job, enjoying his studies, enjoying his play-time with the baby, and you may feel you have all the crappy jobs.

You need to make sure you spend some time doing things you like to do. What would you like to do?

festi · 04/01/2012 20:16

the study hours are never the case but that is not his fault my full time uni degree pretty much stipulates 30 hours per week study that is way off generally far far more.

I do think he should maybe think about what he is spending eating out and drinking in the evenings when he is away and see if you can maybe pay for one morning or day a week at nursery for ds.

I did a few OU residentials and some people went for dinner and drinks but many never, I could not have afforded to but never seen that as an issue.

I had a cuppa, maybe a couple of wines on my own in my room, ran through some of the notes and studied. He really does not need to socialise. Im now full time at uni and dont socialise with other students on the whole, I just cant afford to.

ballstoit · 04/01/2012 20:22

Is he doing a full time degree? Or part time?

I'm doing 50% of full time degree and spend about 10 hours a week studying and then a day to write when I have an assignment to do (4 per year). I know I've become more efficient over the years of doing my course, but never spent every evening studying.

What I'm trying to say is that perhaps as your DH is enjoying the studying, he is taking a little longer than he needs to. Or maybe because he is doing it in the evenings his concentration is not so good. So perhaps he would be better to get up early one weekend morning and working for a few hours and he would cover as much as in 2 evenings. It's okay saying he doesn't want to study at weekends, but you clearly don't want to do housework every evening so there has to be some compromise.

EauDe Bathing his own son does not make the ops DH a hero ffs Hmm

festi · 04/01/2012 20:26

4 per year thats not alot, with ou i was doing one or two a month, full time uni im doing up to 6 per semester.

Original poster
ChatZoo · 04/01/2012 20:29

Would like to go out in the evenings but DS is a bad sleeper and often wakes, so would interrupt DHs study.

I do as much as possible during the week so we don't do any housework (except cooking and cleaning up) at the weekend. Wouldn't be able to do any then really as DH always wants to go out. I keep on top of all the basics (cooking, clearing up, washing, cleaning, ironing, fiances, etc) but feel like I am struggling to keep on top of "stuff" and wouldn't mind a hand occasionally so that I could find time to do things like sorting piles of paperwork and making space for Christmad presents (lucky DS!).

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 04/01/2012 20:31

Could you ask him to do more when he is away (essay titles, reading lists etc are given at the start of each term) thus giving him more free time at home?

Original poster
ChatZoo · 04/01/2012 20:33

Oops sorry, try again

It's an MBA that he's doing. He was told 8 hrs/week but he thought he'd be able to do lots at work. He does more than 8 hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChatZoo · 04/01/2012 20:33

He says that the dinners and drinking are networking, which they may well be!

OP posts:
festi · 04/01/2012 20:36

I think if dh wants to go out all the time at wkends and you do not then you need to say no. maybe he should take ds out alone sometime at the weekend and give you time to lay in or get up and do some thing for your self. Although he has a lot on he should realise your needs to but you do need to tell him rather than living up to his expectations of family time.