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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

being unsure about sleepover

34 replies

dottygirl1 · 04/01/2012 17:23

We have recently moved and dont know anyone here at all. No family or friends etc. My DC's started their new school in September. My DD who is 7 is getting on well and has made a few friends.

She came home from school today excited and said x's mother was going to speak to me about her going to their house for a sleepover. This is a child she has spoken about before but has no contact with her outside of school. I have never spoken to x's mother, dont know where they live etc. 2 other girls from the class are being invited too but again I dont know them.

Unsure of what to do..

OP posts:
cardibach · 04/01/2012 17:27

Ask DD to take a note in and give it to the girl asking the mum to contact you. I'm sure she will. You can then satisfy yourself that the invitation is genuine, sus out the parent and find out where it is. Your DD will have a great time.

seeker · 04/01/2012 17:27

Talk to the mum. Maybe invite the other girl over to play. I'm sure it'll be fine- 99.999999999999999999999% of people are perfectly nice.

cardibach · 04/01/2012 17:28

Oh, and I forgot to say - you know nobody where you are. If that is going to change, you will have to have contact wth some of them! seeker is right, most people are lovely.

valiumredhead · 04/01/2012 17:29

I would want to know the mum. The fact they are at the same school is not enough imo.

valiumredhead · 04/01/2012 17:30

Also wait for an actual invitation, ds comes home saying all sorts and nothing actually happens 90 % of the time Grin

Pebbleonabeach1 · 04/01/2012 17:31

If there is time I would ask the child over to play before the sleepover and perhaps you could invite the mum to come early for a chat over coffee when she comes to pick her up - that way you could get to know her a bit before the sleepover. Just be prepared for your DD not to get too much sleep IME so don't plan too much the next day.

seeker · 04/01/2012 17:31

What do you mean"know the mum"? If you mean know ho she is, then I agree. If you mean know as a friend then I don't.

cardibach · 04/01/2012 17:32

How would you go about getting to know the mum in the OPs situation, though, valium? Her DD will never go to anyone's house at that rate. I moved to where we are when DD was 4, and I knew nobody at the school. You just have to ring them up and talk to them. Or you could invite child and parent to play/have coffee before the sleepover.

festivefireworks · 04/01/2012 17:33

Totally agree most people are nice. Feel that 7 is too young for a sleepover though. Friends tell me at this age you just end up with very tired crabby kids cos they don't sleep. DS age7 knows this & thinks I'm mean but am I bothered ? He only gets to go on sleepovers to grandma's Xmas Grin

crypes · 04/01/2012 17:36

I will only let my dd go round other's houses and sleepovers if i know the mum/dad to talk to i.e in playground,neighbours. Its really so that i know a bit about them and i can talk to them easily if their is an emergency. I think it would be strange to let a young child go round someone's house you dont know or havent even spoken to.

cardibach · 04/01/2012 17:37

7 isn't too young in my opinion - DD stayed with neighbour's little girl when she was 5, and by 7 sleepovers were semi-regular with other friends. We do live in a very rural area, though, and I think the distance between people's homes makes a difference. Yes, they are tired the next day, but I don't think it's reasonable to use that as a reason not to have fun in the first place.

valiumredhead · 04/01/2012 17:40

seeker I would want to know her fairly well to let a 7 year old stay over. Not bosom buddies but I would want to be on more than a quick nod in the playground terms and definitely more than the OP is with the mother as she has never even met her.

cardi I would want a few non sleep over play dates before any sleep overs took place - on both sides.

We do a lot of sleepovers but I am not happy to let ds 10 go somewhere where I don't know the parents and especially not at 7.

Original poster
dottygirl1 · 04/01/2012 17:41

I am pleased that both DC are making friends ( wouldnt mind a few myself!!!) Its just i'm not really comfortable with a sleepover. I could say we have other plans for that night and invite x over to us for a play and then see where that leads to.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 04/01/2012 17:45

Not sure I'd be comfortable with sleepovers at 7 either. But my PFB is only 6...by the time the twins are 7 I'll be throwing them at whoever will have them!!!

If I were you I'd try and chat in the playground and get to know the Mum a bit. It's not likely to be genuine, is it?

valiumredhead · 04/01/2012 17:47

I would say to the mum that you have plans but would x like to come for tea another day after school. When she gets picked up invite her in for a cuppa and take it from there.

seeker · 04/01/2012 17:51

What on earth do you think is going to happen to your child having a sleepover with a school friend?

cardibach · 04/01/2012 18:07

I understand the people who are uncomfortable with their child going to home where they have never sopken to the parents, whihc is why I suggested a prior phone call or play arrangement. However, I also agree with seeker.
If you are really sure you are being reasonable about this, why tell the mother you are busy when you aren't? Why not just say, "I am uncomfortable with D staying somewhere without me meeting the parents, would you like to come over for tea/coffee/whatever?"

coronet · 04/01/2012 18:13

Exactly the same thing has happened here today. I have met the mum two or three times - briefly - but I don't know who else lives in the house, where they live, whether there are dogs etc. I have just told dd that we need to have the friend round for a play first. And I have also suggested that we do a sleepover here first since dd has never done one with anyone except her grandma.

I think 7 is very young for a sleepover, but dd has grown up a lot recently and wants to try things out. So I think the time is definitely coming. I wouldn't let her go to a group sleepover though - I really do think that is for older kids.

cardibach · 04/01/2012 18:16

I don't want to appear too invested in this thread, but could those of you who have said it explain why you think 7 is too young for sleepovers at all or group ones in particular?

BandOMothers · 04/01/2012 18:24

cardibach I can tell you why I think 7 is too young...my DD is 7 and she's far too little to spend the night with relative strangers imo. If I know them well then fine...but a Mum from school...who I am not friends with...well I don't know anyone in their household...or who visits...or what their rules or morals are...I knw that sounds fussy...but it's my child and she's far too precious to leave in the care of someone I don't know.

If there was something untoward to happen then 7 is far too young to cope.

Silverbells123 · 04/01/2012 18:30

I agree with all those advocating caution and wanting to know more about the family she would be going to, they are strangers after all. It is true that most people are lovely but that's not necessarily enough. Parents have very different views about parenting, and these differences might be important to you. For example, my DD came back from a sleepover aged 8, having watched an unsuitable DVDs rated 12 which frightened her half to death, whose mum however takes a much 'cooler' approach.

Think your suggestion of several play dates first is a good one. No reason why you and your daughter can't make good friends through that type of activity. Don't feel pressured and go with your instincts - you are the mum after all!

catsareevil · 04/01/2012 18:36

Im surprised that people think 7 is too young for a sleepover. I agree that its important to get to know that parents a bit before hand, but where I live (city) it would be unusual for a 7 year old to have never been to a sleepover.

coronet · 04/01/2012 18:42

I think 7 is young because a night can feel really really long if you are unhappy/cold/fall out with your friend. I wouldn't mind dd going to our neighbour's because I know the mum well and she'd bring dd home and/or sort things out if dd got upset, but I don't know other parents that well. I also wouldn't want her to have to face the consequences at school of having to go home in the middle of the night.

I am happy with certain parents that I know well, less happy with others. For example, I would never allow dd to have a sleepover with one of my closest friend's dds because the dad is a bit unhinged and my friend is pretty hopeless at setting boundaries. I just don't trust either of them with the care of my daughter.

And a group sleepover involves several dcs and therefore lots of potential for conflict, fallings out etc. I refused one for dd with two girls because they are best friends and very excluding. I am pretty sure she would have had a miserable time.

My dd is the youngest in her year so I find that she is often ready to do things later than other children. She has started to talk about sleepovers and express a real wish to do them, so I will probably let her try one some time in the next few months. I would just like it to be with someone I trust.

BandOMothers · 04/01/2012 19:12

coronet you put it very well....to us it's eay to sort ourselves out when in a new/strange situation....get another blanket...ask for one....make a cup of tea...but a child is in no position to do the simplest of things in a strangers home. Even a trip to the loo can be weird/scary.

exoticfruits · 04/01/2012 19:21

I think it really hinges on your DC and does she want to do it? If you are new it makes sense to let her go, if she wants to, rather than exclude her.
Talk to your DD and find out what she thinks. If she is keen approach the mum, tell her that you are new and a bit apprehensive as DD isn't used to sleepovers. I am sure that you will be happy when you have met her. You can always say that if DD doesn't settle you will collect her.
7yrs isn't too young, it is just too young for some DCs-they are all different.