AIBU to want to kill SIL-to-be? And DB too?

[keSnowBi]

This is my first AIBU but you don't have to be gentle as I've been around the block a few times on MN

We went to my Ps on Boxing Day while, admittedly, recovering from a cold. One that has been doing the rounds of the entire Southeast. DB and SIL were there and have been partying like it's 1999 for the last few weeks.

On NYE DB facebooks saying "In bed with flu and having a horrible NYE thanks to some relatives who shall remain nameless". I responded saying "poor you, we've had a a bad cold round us, nothing as serious as flu. Hope it isn't too awful". A bit passive aggressive but flu? Really???

On NY Day, SIL emails to say Happy New Year and how bad theirs could have been because they were invited to a dinner party and party but they had to stay in because of "KeSnowBi's cold". But they had an ok time anyway. what were we supposed to do? Not come? Apologise for being obviously the only infectious people in London?

Thing is, SIL writes the most awful, passive aggressive and sometimes breathtakingly rude emails anyway. We are never allowed to pull her up on anything as she is beautiful, oh-so fragile and easily offended, and DB pulls up the drawbridge the moment she even looks like being upset. But she isn't fragile, she's got an absolute core of iron. What SIL wants, she gets.

She and DB have just moved in together, and with no furniture, my Ps have been lending them stuff they have in storage. But DB and DM have already had 2 or 3 conversations as SIL believes this furniture should be gifts, not borrowing. We're talking gorgeous wardrobes and chinese dressers here, not IKEA stuff. My parents' sodding furniture. But, while it's irritating, DM can handle herself.

However... my aunt, who is a gentle soul, is an artist and framer. DB and SIL went to stay with her for a weekend. As a housewarming pressie she said that DB and SIL could have two pics from her latest exhibition. While looking around, aunt's best friend (who is buying art, and aunt isn't wealthy) turns up and starts admiring some a set of prints. SIL says in a stage whisper, "She can't have those, they're the ones I want. Tell her DB, tell her!" DB duly goes and tells her. Friend admires another set of prints, SIL asks for those ones too. Then says "Oh actually you can have those ones as I took the other ones you like."

Despite this fuckery, and her generosity, they have not thanked aunt in anyway. She rather plaintively said that even an email would be enough.

I think that at the very fucking least DB should know how upset aunt is and write to her, not only for her sake but for his - she won't do anything this nice for them again otherwise. But the last time I got involved everything went nuclear, and that was just from an ill-timed, tactless comment on my part. We all tiptoe around her as we love DB and don't want to lose him. Also I'm aware that I'm conflating several events (as well as past ones) into a vast ball of irritation.

Should just get over myself? Or is there any way of dealing with people who get away with murder?

God that's ludicrously long. Rant length in fact

I would tell DB factually what you know about how upset Aunt is, just give him facts about it, let him decide for himself what he's supposed to do about it.
I think you have to let go of and ignore the rest.

Make it a private pleasure to smirk at how annoying they are.

Ignore all the crap bout colds and flu - it is not worth stressing about.

In your shoes I might be tempted to have a quiet word with your DB about your aunt, just to say that you hope a thank you letter is in the post as these things mean a lot (especially when the gift is as personal as art).

You have many many years of coping with DB and SIL, try not to let every little thing ruffle your calm (or else you head will explode) and just tackle the really grossly hurtful bits. Oh, and try and develop your own core of iron re: SIL.

I'm not sure I'd get involved in the Aunt situation. Your aunt probably thinks that DB is rude, that's because he is. I certainly wouldn't encourage him to thank her properly so that her generosity continues in the future.

Ignore the colds/flu thing. He's being a child. I find that if I go out boozing at this time of year, I tend to end up with a cold. You can't track down where it came from.

Aagh I know you're right lljkk, it's just, I spend half my life ignoring annoying emails from her (just got another one - it's now become "the cold that shall not be named") and it's giving me indigestion.

pip, what kind of core should I develop - basically one that doesn't get pissed off?

Well as she had the flu, and you had a cold, just put on her face book "oh well at least you cannot have got it from me as I have not had the 'flu". To be honest I bet she just has a bad cold, as the flu is very different from a bad cold and I doubt she would be able to go on facebook if she had the actual 'flu. I would not get involved with their issues with other people, aunt can contact them to ask where her thank-you is, and DM can tell them they can borrow them, or not have them at all (to be honest I would not lend them, they will never get them back with SIl claiming, "but you gave them to us, so i thought it was ok to sell them, give them away etc") and give them an ikea voucher instead.

My sympathies do go out to you, ke. I have the PIL and SIL from hell, very much centred around what I now realise 15 years on to be jealous, bitchy and slightly crazy comments and behaviours.

I wonder, daily, how the hell my lovely DH managed to turn out so God-damned normal having lived with them for years.

Unfortunatley, if you strip it right down you have two choices. Suck it up, with what I'm sure will involve many fallings out along the way causing you to feel the way you do now, or stop seeing them. Completley.

The latter upsets sooo many people, both families, your DP, any DC now or in the future. All a bit, well, final.

So the 'suck it up' option is going to be the way forward for you, I guess, concentrating on counting to ten in your head a lot, and really picking your battles, as pip suggested.

You can always vent on MN, too. It helps!

You are not going to lose him for heavens sakes.. he is an adult and if he chooses to live with someone who is materialistic and grabbing, then its his doing. If he sides with her and it causes a fall out, I wouldnt worry too much as it wont last long before he sees her true colours.

If you want to let her think she can walk all over you, then suck it up, if you want her to see that she isnt fooling anyone, pull her up over her behaviour.

You dont have to be nasty, in fact play her at her own game of passive aggressiveness..

kelly I know, I hate it when people say they have the flu when it's just a cold! I didn't even need a day in bed, it wasn't that bad...

So 50/50 on say something/nothing about aunt.

VonHerr I can't see any options but those, and the idea of not knowing their kids chills me, so yes suck up. But it's SO sodding unfair.

Not just the 'not getting pissed off', but also being strong in your boundary setting. Tolerating her (and his) behaviour so far and absolutely no further. She sounds like the original 'give her an inch and she'll take a mile', while other people might let her get away with it, you can only really decide how much leeway you are prepared to give her.

YANBU to want to but you know, the prison sentences are long. Your SIL sounds the sort of spoilt princess who is used to getting her own way, manipulating people and taking no responsibility for anything. It's disturbing how easily people allow it to be done. As Tolstoy is reputed to have put it 'how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness'.

You may have a lifetime of getting on with her ahead of you, so I think you need to find a more rewarding way of dealing with her, like laughing a lot.

Kelly200 is right about flu / colds of course. Also, you know that both are most infectious in the early stages, before and when early symptoms appear, not after they've been dragging on for days? If you want to take the 'what nonsense' approach, look up a good quote on the NHS or such.

squeaky he utterly utterly adores her. And if there's one thing the men in my family do well it's loyalty. He won't leave her. In fact, he's becoming more like her. Also, we come from a very nuclear family and I think it would well suit her agenda to loosen the ties that bind him to us.

That said, she's not completely awful. She has a good heart, and loves DB deeply but she seems to think we all owe her. May be that's the issue - that she wants him for herself in a little perfect world (with DM's furniture , no interruptions or outside influences.

Plus she is very beautiful, a lot like Bianca Jagger. It's a joy to behold her. Tolstoy has it lottie

What I don't know is how or where to set boundaries. We are a labrador family, hearty, cheerful, noisy and annoying and we tend to sort things out with loud discussion. I'm just not good at this undercover shit, and direct confrontation ends in misery.

ugh i hate it when people post on fb etc that they are dying with the flu,no your bloody not you have a cold,if you had flu you wouldnt be able to get on a pc/phone etc,most people only have flu a few times in thier life.

Just give the Facebook a rest for a while and don't get yourself wound up.

I think you need to be prepared to tackle each issue as it crops up. Don't try and deal with everything in advance, but be aware of her tendencies.

Treat her like you would treat a small child who needs to be guided into making appropriate decisions and choices. You wouldn't take a 5yo into Hamleys and say 'choose a toy' because it would all end in tears, you would have to manage their expectations so they didn't feel upset.

So if she wants to borrow something of yours, be 100% clear that you will need it back by a certain date (drop her a message or txt saying 'I'll bring the slow cooker on Saturday but need it back by the 15th' - not aggressive but leaving her no wriggle room to take advantage).

The flu thing is hilarious. I have a friend who has 'flu' several times a year. Amazing how she can get up and go for a run then.

With your SIL just smile and nod. If she does something that directly offends you, call her on it. In a few years, if you're lucky, she'll have had it with all of you and just stay home when your brother comes to see you with your (possible) nieces and nephews. That's what happened with my wacky SIL anyway, we just had a lovely week after xmas with my brother and nephew and nobody getting offended and huffing off to their rooms.

Just realised that no-one has told me to get over myself

God, people with flu. It's ludicrous isn't it? If I had a bit of a rash and went around telling people I had leprosy, they'd tell me off for lying. But for some reason the 'flu'ites get away with it.

pip letsblow thank you, sound suggestions.

"oh shut up you silly cow" is a complete reply to anything she ever says to you

PomBear that would... ah, that would... hmm. Yesss.

I don't think I could maturely walk away from the facebook snidey comments. I would have to say something like "Thank goodness I only got a cold and was not confined to my bed. I hope you get over your flu soon". But that's just my immature side.

I would tell your brother about how upset your aunt is. Even if he defends her at the time, it might make him look a bit more closely at her behaviour in future.

Look at her when she says anything ridiculous with a supressed smile on your face as she's talking and then say "oh bless, it must be awful to have all these things going on" or something equally patronising.

Then brightly smile and change the subject quick, "anyone want a drink? I'm parched!" Then sweep out of the room, channelling the queen as you do so.

Employ similar tactic everytime she acts this way. Treat someone who behaves like a child, like a child.

Remember to sweep out of rooms though, very important part!

eurochick I did! no response from DB

round Unfortunately most of it is behind the scenes - mildly offensive emails, sudden mystifying changes of plans, reproachful texts, that sort of thing, so there's nothing to grab hold of, iyswim? When everything kicked off it was DB doing the angry stuff, not SIL.

adverse there's a lot of truth in that - my family are farmers going back generations, public school etc, very nuclear, all for one etc. SIL, while in no way deprived, was raised by her (utterly lovely) mum on her own as her dad is a feckless idiot (on his 6th family I think). She has been indulged by her mum and treated like shit and let down by her dad. She is much quieter than us and part of the reason DB is so protective is because he feels that we ride roughshod across her - we are in truth noisy.

But it's not true that we roughshod her, we're in fact really careful - and she has NO problem getting her feelings and needs across. But DB thinks that she is totally perfect . Did I mention how beautiful she is?!

I have just deleted my FB account after getting sick of dh's relative's passive agressive posts directed at me.

Lifes too fucking short, you know?

She sounds vile btw!