AIBU to want to kill SIL-to-be? And DB too?

[keSnowBi]

This is my first AIBU but you don't have to be gentle as I've been around the block a few times on MN

We went to my Ps on Boxing Day while, admittedly, recovering from a cold. One that has been doing the rounds of the entire Southeast. DB and SIL were there and have been partying like it's 1999 for the last few weeks.

On NYE DB facebooks saying "In bed with flu and having a horrible NYE thanks to some relatives who shall remain nameless". I responded saying "poor you, we've had a a bad cold round us, nothing as serious as flu. Hope it isn't too awful". A bit passive aggressive but flu? Really???

On NY Day, SIL emails to say Happy New Year and how bad theirs could have been because they were invited to a dinner party and party but they had to stay in because of "KeSnowBi's cold". But they had an ok time anyway. what were we supposed to do? Not come? Apologise for being obviously the only infectious people in London?

Thing is, SIL writes the most awful, passive aggressive and sometimes breathtakingly rude emails anyway. We are never allowed to pull her up on anything as she is beautiful, oh-so fragile and easily offended, and DB pulls up the drawbridge the moment she even looks like being upset. But she isn't fragile, she's got an absolute core of iron. What SIL wants, she gets.

She and DB have just moved in together, and with no furniture, my Ps have been lending them stuff they have in storage. But DB and DM have already had 2 or 3 conversations as SIL believes this furniture should be gifts, not borrowing. We're talking gorgeous wardrobes and chinese dressers here, not IKEA stuff. My parents' sodding furniture. But, while it's irritating, DM can handle herself.

However... my aunt, who is a gentle soul, is an artist and framer. DB and SIL went to stay with her for a weekend. As a housewarming pressie she said that DB and SIL could have two pics from her latest exhibition. While looking around, aunt's best friend (who is buying art, and aunt isn't wealthy) turns up and starts admiring some a set of prints. SIL says in a stage whisper, "She can't have those, they're the ones I want. Tell her DB, tell her!" DB duly goes and tells her. Friend admires another set of prints, SIL asks for those ones too. Then says "Oh actually you can have those ones as I took the other ones you like."

Despite this fuckery, and her generosity, they have not thanked aunt in anyway. She rather plaintively said that even an email would be enough.

I think that at the very fucking least DB should know how upset aunt is and write to her, not only for her sake but for his - she won't do anything this nice for them again otherwise. But the last time I got involved everything went nuclear, and that was just from an ill-timed, tactless comment on my part. We all tiptoe around her as we love DB and don't want to lose him. Also I'm aware that I'm conflating several events (as well as past ones) into a vast ball of irritation.

Should just get over myself? Or is there any way of dealing with people who get away with murder?

This might be one where you have to kill her with kindness and off load to friends when you can.

I have to employ the same tactic with certain inlaws, an inane grin in my face at all times, very measured voice at all times and polite, polite, polite. Then I rage when I'm a safe distance away, and move on.

If you know it's them, then take comfort in that you're not the only one who probably sees it and breathe!

You have my sympathies, it's hard when people site being fragile etc as a reason to be as rude and selfish as they like, with no apology.

Becaroooo in truth she isn't vile. Just hard, hard work (see I've come from wanting to kill her to almost defending her).

Reading through my own posts I'm starting to wonder if all the niggly offensive shit is to put us down in order to make herself feel better as we do overwhelm her. She has already driven a wedge between DB and his (now ex) best friend.

Which does suggest we should kill her with kindness (if only to annoy the shit out of her ) roundtable

But then again, where does her grasping behaviour with my gentle, lovely aunt fit in there?

they had to stay in because of "KeSnowBi's cold".

My goodness - you have your own cold named after you? Are you a famous scientist?

I'd just kill them both it will add years to your life expectancy

bludgeon her with one of your aunts prints.

She sounds, from the outside, spoilt and insecure.

Unfortunately, unless she actually bitches about your aunt, it will be difficult to do anything unless your aunt wants you to.

This might be one where you you have to sit back, grit your teeth and get ready for action when your aunt needs/asks for it. Otherwise, it may come back to slap you in the face.

But then, I'm no relationship guru!

kewcumber - it is now referred to as 'the cold that must not be named' as I dared to point out that it wasn't 'ours' as such, just the one that is going round.

So I guess it's Voldemort's cold

Can I tell my aunt's brother, ie my dad, and see if he does anything? Or is that spreading gossip?

Well this sort of stuff happened to my mum whe her brother met "the wicked witch of the south east". They rubbed along for many painful years and then it all went nuclear over their dad's inheritance and now they haven't spoken for 10 years.

By all means do your best but ultimately DB may be forced to choose between her and his family and may choose her. Don't beat yourself up if that happens.

People who hold grudges over who they caught a sodding cold from, grrr . I had a similar situation over xmas as my own DB claims he must have caught a cold from my children as 'he didn't have any cold symptoms until we arrived' - his sore throat started in the morning, we arrived in the afternoon. I must have sent the virus along first just to spite him

You must tell them how hurt your aunt is, they are being really thoughtless. The SIL sounds awfully rude too, expecting loaned furniture to just be handed over permanently because she likes it.

Hire a him man

Killing her with kindness will probably be the most effective way of killing her keSnowBi!
But, there is still your Aunt to consider. Hmm, what would your mam say if you told her? Would she show her core of iron and give your brother and sil a piece of her mind. I think your mam would be the best bet.

I say ignore emails that are rude. Just delete them.
On FB simply unsubscribe from her musings. I bet every single fb friend of hers has her switched off!
If I understand correctly your aunt is currently without a thank you from your SIL and your DB. I would gently remind our DB that he needs to get a card off in the post double quick!
Anything like this I would go straight to the sensible one in the duo!

Otherwise smile smile smile, and when required, like when she says something that crosses a line in your presence smile like a razor and ask "What do you mean?" then remain silent as she explains herself. If another silence falls, nod and remain silent whilst looking at her.

I had a boss who did this silence thing and it made everyone in the office gab away and dig huge holes for themselves.

I have a SIL just like this. She's been around for 25 years now and is still terrifying the rest of us. Similar setup to yours - insecurity on her part, I think, but she has DB totally by the short and curlies. We hear her words coming out of his mouth and it's almost funny really. If she's not there for whatever reason, he reverts to how he used to be, and enters into the rough and tumble of "our family" life - things that would only offend him if she were there. Infuriating.
As you're only in the foothills of her association with your family, I would say that you either need to back off and disengage to minimise her effect, or nip it in the bud right now. I did the former.

When she comes out with anything odd, look at her quizzically, giggle, and say 'oh you ARE funny!' Same as on Facebook - treat it like a joke. Just say 'oh don't let DB catch it, it will become the outrageous Manflu then!' or some such.

Besides, if you know what she's like, then so do her other friends!!!!

Hit man seductive idea Rabid but think will go killing with kindness route.

GoEasy like it a lot.

thegirl DM has a rocky relationship with her too. She dislikes DM but loves DF despite them being extremely similar, not sure how she trades that one off in her head... Perhaps I tell her to tell DF and they can decide.

If I see DB soon I'll raise it with him, but NOT doing it on email or phone as SIL will take control of the response, not DB.

happycamel

picnic, like a sort of envoy of evil

chitchat My other DB knows what she's like, my DM, now my aunt, DB's ex bf... yep, they do.

clam oh god you have described our set up to a T . But I have no idea how to 'nip it in the bud'.