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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For feeling guilty all the time?

30 replies

WheresTheCat · 04/01/2012 13:06

I work full time. I did before I had DD, and then from when she was 4 months old. It's not a choice. If DH and I didn't work full time we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage. DD is an only child because we can't afford any more children.
I feel guilty all the time - about DD being an only child, about working full time - made worse by the fact that none of her friends' Mums work more than two days a week, and then only during school hours.
Am I feeling guilty for no reason? I worry that this is somehow going to damage DD.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 04/01/2012 13:10

Within my group of friends there is a massive combination, from SAHMs like me to full time workers, part sah dads...you name it. We all feel guilt, for something, I think it goes with the territory.

akaemmafrost · 04/01/2012 13:10

I am convinced at least once a day that I have said or done something to damage them emotionally and that they will be affected for the rest of their lives. I question myself on EVERYTHING and it's exhausting. I wish I could be secure in my parenting but I am not and I feel guilty ALL the time. Does everyone feel like this?

akaemmafrost · 04/01/2012 13:12

I am a SAHM by the way, what I am saying is, if you didn't feel guilty about this, it would be something else.

PoultryInMotion · 04/01/2012 13:13

If it helps my mum and dad both worked full time for a large portion of my childhood and I have an excellent relationship with them.

I don't think many parents escape 'the guilt' to be honest. For instance I'm a SAHM and sometimes feel I'm not enjoying DD as much as I should because we are always together, therefore I get a bit sick of her by tea time Plus lets face it, I bet you make a special effort when you're with your DD to make things fun. My DD gets to see me load the dishwasher and iron

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/01/2012 13:15

Yep as someone said, it comes with the territory.

My DS is an only child and I too went back to work when he was 4 months old. I had massive guilt issues over it resulting in my overcompensating and buying him loads of shit to make up for it. I picked him up on day at the CM's and asked me what I had bought him that day, lol.....needless to say that stopped!

So yeah, theres always something to feel guilty about. I have to say DS is 9 now and I am so glad I kept working!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2012 13:15

You are feeling guilty for no reason other than comparing yourself with people who you think have a better set-up. For all you know, those two day a week mums might be as miserable as hell, struggling to pay the bills, bored stiff, looking at you and thinking 'she seems to have a great life'. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

It's not a crime to have one child or want to provide for them adequately by working. It doesn't damage them in the slightest.

PrincessScrumpy · 04/01/2012 13:15

dd will be fine but if you're that unhappy I would try to change something. I too always said we couldn't afford a 2nd dc then we decided that once dd was 3.5, we could have a 2nd, then after mat leave dd would be at school and only 1 in childcare. So much for planning - I'm currently sitting cuddling my baby, with her twin in her bouncer! I cannot afford to work as childcare is more than my salary. Being forced to change how we budget has worked and our standby option is to transfer to an interest only mortgage for a couple of years. There is always a way but not necessarily easy.

forget what others are doing and decide what you truly want from life.

PoultryInMotion · 04/01/2012 13:16

I should add that a collegue of mine said something to me whilst pregnant with DD that I'll never forget.

"You'll never get rid of the guilt, but you will learn to live with it"

It makes me feel not quite so alone when I think about it

scottishmummy · 04/01/2012 13:16

you need to pat self on back for being capable provider,who did what she had to do to keep things together.well done

you need to grow a thicker skin and stop beating self up. if you dont ease up on the guilt you will meet the precious moments mamas who will heap it on to you.

maybe its not worked how planned, but you are needing to get chin up and be proud of your contribution to your family

Original poster

WheresTheCat · 04/01/2012 13:17

It just really hit home this mornoing when halfway to breakfast club she said to me, very sweetly, 'I haven't got my gloves Mummy, but I knew if I asked you when we were at home you would have (rolls eyes and huffs)' And she's right - I would have - because we're always in a rush to get out in the morning. Poor little thing

OP posts:

CatHairInMyFaceCream · 04/01/2012 13:17

It's not going to damage your dd, presumably she is in nursery and is socialising with children and having a nice time, she has mummy and daddy evenings and weekends - make the most of that time.

The guilt follows me around all the time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2012 13:18

Oh she's just pushing your buttons and isn't a 'poor little thing' in the slightest. If you were home all day doing nothing but glove-finding you'd quickly tire of it.

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2012 13:19

OP, believe me us SAHM's are often in a rush too and probably would have reacted the same way to forgotten gloves/coats/bags/hats and all the fucking rest of it!

scottishmummy · 04/01/2012 13:20

oh stop with the self flagellation.really.
you'll end up a gibbering wreck if you emphasise your alleged shortcomings and diminish the positives

you need to be chuffed at being a positive role model.

Foxinsocks · 04/01/2012 13:22

I work full time. As does dh. I don't think dh has ever felt an ounce of guilt about working full time. I try and follow his lead . It isn't easy though but just try and see it from most men's perspective. I really think very few of them feel any guilt about working at all!

I also think it does make it worse when there are v few other mum's that work full time. Both my children comment on this at school. They know how many in each of their classes have both parents working full time and you can count them on one hand.

The other day though, when I was feeling particularly down about work and worried about the impact, dd said to me 'look mum, you work and I go to school - we each have our things to do and besides, I'm proud of you' . SHe'd never said anything like that before to me. She is 11 though so I had to wait a long time before that comment got made .

I actually found it easier working when they were babies tbh!

scottishmummy · 04/01/2012 13:24

work ft,returned 6mth.no guilt.none.whatsoever
why should i feel guilty about providing for my family.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 13:26

I'm with scottishmummy

amicissima · 04/01/2012 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 04/01/2012 13:29

I am a SAHM and I am frequently found souring and huffing whilst trying to get out of the door in the morning, if one of mine forgets their gloves they may even get sworn at

Foxinsocks · 04/01/2012 13:29

guilt and resentment are such shit emotions too

IKilledIgglePiggle · 04/01/2012 13:30

That's shouting not souring, bloody I pad.

Whatmeworry · 04/01/2012 13:39

You will always feel guilty with kids I'm afraid, if its not one thing.... and there are a whole host of people and commercial interests who jump on that guilt.

Btw re one child, how old is DD? Circumstances do change.....

lljkk · 04/01/2012 13:42

Welcome to Motherhood.
My mother also had to work FT from when I was 4 months old, same reasons as you. Not her preference, but it was for the best of the whole family (herself included in the long run, I believe).

Original poster

WheresTheCat · 04/01/2012 13:42

I know it's silly to feel guilty, but I can't help it!
DD is seven, unfortunately in the area we both work in our circumstances wouldn't change unless we moved away from here!

OP posts:

goldbow · 04/01/2012 13:55

Most mothers wether they work or not feel guilty about something. Do you spend lots of quality time (hate that saying) with DD in the evenings/weekend? If you really don't want to work FT, have you thought about an evening job or childminding?

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