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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to change my method of contraception?

84 replies

BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:10

DS2 is 3 months. He is our third child and DH and I are agreed our last. In the past we have primarily used the pill as contraception. DH was happy to continue with this but I wanted something more permanent and lower maintenance. Before my last pregnancy I often forgot to take the pill and I want to eliminate any risk of accidental pregnancy. Considering I have an extra child now I didn't want to be relying on my memory for contraception. Ultimatly DH will have a vasectomy but it is a big decision and he is not ready yet.
With all this in mind I spoke to my OB at 6 week check and we agreed that the best option for me was the mirena implant. I discussed with DH too. He was happy enough to go with what I wanted.
Yesterday I got it put in. Last night we were discussing it and I mentioned that It didn't work in the same way as the pill, they werent sure exactly how it works but one of the ways is that it thins the lining of the womb and prevents implantation.
DH is quite upset about this. He is Catholic. Not super religious but pretty pro life and he is not at all comfortable about using a post fertilisation contraceptive. He wants me to get it taken back out. I have refused. I understand his concerns but the procedure to get it in was intrusive. I am not happy to rely in condoms. Pill is not an option as am breastfeeding and progesteron one operates on same principal as mirean. I have told him he is welcome to use condoms and I will at least have the peace of mind of the mirena as back up, or he can go for vasectomy and I'll have it removed once get all clear on that. We are going to talk tonight again about it.
AIBU to continue to refuse to have it removed?

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 11:13

YANBU. If he was a proper catholic there'd be no birth control at all. He is being and idiot.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 11:13

fuming at him I would be.

fluffyanimal · 04/01/2012 11:13

TBH you should have discussed it in more detail before you got it put in and told him how it works then. How does he feel about vasectomy? How do you both feel about condoms?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 11:13

*an

EduStudent · 04/01/2012 11:14

YANBU, if he was uncomfortable with certain types of contraception, he should have asked how it worked before. I think you've offered a reasonable compromise with suggesting he also uses condoms or until the vasectomy goes ahead.

fluffyanimal · 04/01/2012 11:14

DoesNotGiveAFig, Yoda are you? Grin

DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 11:14

yoda I am Grin

LaurieFairyCake · 04/01/2012 11:17

Quite simply you don't care about fertilisation and he does.

So if he wants to prevent fertilisation then he has to choose to wear condoms.

You have chosen a contraceptive that works right for you now he has to choose one that works for him.

Yes, it would be fine if you chose to decide it together but in the end it is a personal choice to be impregnated or to impregnate.

mrspepperpotty · 04/01/2012 11:17

YANBU - it is very unfair of him to refuse a vasectomy (for the moment, anyway) yet expect you to go through an invasive treatment and then reverse it.

Although it is a pity you didn't have this conversation beforehand!

elliejjtiny · 04/01/2012 11:19

YANBU If he uses condoms and you have the implant then everyone wins. There wouldn't be any fertilisation going on and if the condom breaks then you have a back up method. Was it painful having the implant put in? I'm looking for some long term pre vasectomy contraception. Got pg on the mini pill and allergic to latex so those are out and considering the coil or implant.

MrsHuxtable · 04/01/2012 11:19

The Mirena coil does not just work by stopping an egg from implanting. I think you need to do some proper research on this. In fact, I'm a little shocked you didn't do it before you had it inserted.

Sidge · 04/01/2012 11:19

Unless he gets himself off for a vasectomy pretty quickly I think he's got more neck than a 3-headed giraffe trying to dictate your contraceptive choices based on spurious faith reasons.

AngryMotherF · 04/01/2012 11:22

YANBU. If he was that worried about it, he should have done his research before you had to have an invasive procedure.

He should use a condom if he wants to prevent fertilisation, or have a vasectomy. No two ways about that. He cannot use his views on contraception to decide what you do with your body. And he doesn't get to use the religion excuse either, he either follows it properly or not at all.

Original poster
BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:22

Yes i know this dicussion should have happened before. TBH I knew how it worked and assumed he did too. It never occurred to me he would have a problem with it anyway. Although he has strong views on abortion He has never expressed strong opinions on different methods of contraception before.

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 04/01/2012 11:22

I don't think you need to know exactly how contraception works if it doesn't matter to you. He's the one with the issue, so he did need to investigate it.

I agree that your DH should use condoms if he's unhappy with the coil. I don't see why you should have to have it removed.

ThisIsAnExtremelyVeryGoodXmas · 04/01/2012 11:23

Pretty much all hormonal contraception, including the pill, thins the womb lining. It explains this in the leaflet that comes with the pill. See also here.

AMumInScotland · 04/01/2012 11:23

Well, I sort of share his views. But if he wants there to be a pre-fertilisation method of contraception then its up to him to put the effort into providing it, either using condoms (Mirena as your backup) or getting on with the vasectomy if you've agreed your family is complete.

Its not his job to tell you what you ought to do - your views are just as valid as his.

Sidge · 04/01/2012 11:24

Oh and in the UK the Mirena isn't referred to as an implant, just to clarify for any confused readers.

The implant is Nexplanon and inserted into the arm. It contains a type of progesterone and inhibits ovulation.

The Mirena is an intra-uterine device and contains a type of progesterone. In many women it also inhibits ovulation, and can also prevent fertilisation.

Lueji · 04/01/2012 11:25

If he was a proper catholic there'd be no birth control at all. He is being and idiot.
Not strictly true. Catholics are allowed natural methods, but it requires abstinence during fertile days (the methods only vary on how to determine the fertile days).
I'm sure he would LOVE that! Wink

He should have asked how it worked before, or go and get the snip asap.

MrsHuxtable · 04/01/2012 11:25

"Mirena acts as a contraceptive in two ways: it makes the mucus at the neck of the womb (the cervix) much thicker, preventing sperm from getting through and it also makes the lining of the womb extremely thin, stopping implantation. In some women it prevents egg release (ovulation)."

Yes, here.

dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 11:26

I think you should stand firm.

I'm also a bit Hmm that he's okay with you having foreign objects pushed and pulled out of your womb but he still needs to work up to the idea of having a vasectomy. It's a straightforward procedure that he will recover from quickly and have no lasting side effects from. You have clearly subjected your body to hormones for years and had three children, it's time for him to step up and do his share (considering this is a joint decision to have no more children).

Original poster
BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:28

mrshuxtable I know that the mirena doesn't just work by preventing implantation. If you had bothered to read my op you would see I said it was one of the ways it works. I did research all this before I made my decision, clearly DH did not.
ellejjtiny it was more invasive and uncomfortable than a smear and took longer. It was worse than I thought it would be but infinitely better than the alternative of childbirth!

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 11:28

LOL at natural methods. Pre cum babies EVERYWHERE.

Of course, I should have phrased it that he shouldn't be using artificial birth control at all if he has views concerning birth control relating to his catholicism. Like someone said, all or nothing!

Original poster
BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:34

To be fair to DH his preference would have been for us to continue with pill/condom use rather than either of us have any procedure. It was my decision to switch to mirena as I felt more comfortable with it.
Re vasectomy I think it is fair enough that he takes time to comfortable with it since it is a permanent surgical procedure.

OP posts:
culturemulcher · 04/01/2012 11:35

Wait, doesn't the pill - which your DH was happy for you to use - work in EXACTLY the same way?

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