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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to change my method of contraception?

84 replies

BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:10

DS2 is 3 months. He is our third child and DH and I are agreed our last. In the past we have primarily used the pill as contraception. DH was happy to continue with this but I wanted something more permanent and lower maintenance. Before my last pregnancy I often forgot to take the pill and I want to eliminate any risk of accidental pregnancy. Considering I have an extra child now I didn't want to be relying on my memory for contraception. Ultimatly DH will have a vasectomy but it is a big decision and he is not ready yet.
With all this in mind I spoke to my OB at 6 week check and we agreed that the best option for me was the mirena implant. I discussed with DH too. He was happy enough to go with what I wanted.
Yesterday I got it put in. Last night we were discussing it and I mentioned that It didn't work in the same way as the pill, they werent sure exactly how it works but one of the ways is that it thins the lining of the womb and prevents implantation.
DH is quite upset about this. He is Catholic. Not super religious but pretty pro life and he is not at all comfortable about using a post fertilisation contraceptive. He wants me to get it taken back out. I have refused. I understand his concerns but the procedure to get it in was intrusive. I am not happy to rely in condoms. Pill is not an option as am breastfeeding and progesteron one operates on same principal as mirean. I have told him he is welcome to use condoms and I will at least have the peace of mind of the mirena as back up, or he can go for vasectomy and I'll have it removed once get all clear on that. We are going to talk tonight again about it.
AIBU to continue to refuse to have it removed?

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:36

His views are driven by the fact that he believes life begins at conception not implantation, therefore he has no problem with birth control that prevents conception.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:37

No oestrogen pill stops ovulation so no fertilisation.

OP posts:

DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 11:39

If he was a genuine catholic he should be sticking to natural methods only. You can't pick and choose at religion as you feel like it to try and control the way someone else uses birth control.

Simple solution as other people have said is condoms. No conception, no problem.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 04/01/2012 11:40

Mirena DOES prevent conception, by preventing sperm getting through. And it often also inhibits ovulation.

The womb lining thing is just the last line of defence. Same as with the pill.

Original poster

BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:42

As with most Catholics (in ireland anyway) he has no issues with birth control per se. His problem with mirena is down to his views on abortion and related pro life stance on when life begins.

OP posts:

AngryMotherF · 04/01/2012 11:42

I agree that he should have time to become comfortable with a vasectomy, but he can't have it both ways.

Why won't he use a condom if he is concerned about conception?

Surely he can see that it's not right for his views to affect the choices you make for your own body when he has other options?

I think my dh and I have a right to have views over each others bodies, as long as those views are borne out of love and concern for each other. His view over what happens to your body is not coming from love for you, it is coming from his views about life beginning on conception. I agree with him on that tbh, but the fact is that you feel better having the coil or implant, not sure which you have, so your decision is what ultimately what's matters more.

ChaoticAngel · 04/01/2012 11:43

YANBU The fact that he's catholic is irrelevant. He doesn't have the right to impose his religious views on you. If you're happy with the mirena right now then continue to use it.

Lueji · 04/01/2012 11:43

The vasectomy can be reversed. Is he worried he might still want children?

BTW, natural methods (observation, temperature, and even hormone detection) can work very well if done properly. (forget about counting days) The same with other methods: pills can be forgotten and condoms can fail. Mirena pregnancies do happen. Only, it's not so easy to abstain...

ThisIsAnExtremelyVeryGoodXmas · 04/01/2012 11:43

OP, as I linked above, the combined pill works in three ways. The primary function is to stop ovulation, but it also thickens the mucus at the cervix to prevent sperm getting through and it thins the womb lining so that if the first two functions fail, a fertilised egg will find it more difficult to implant. As far as I can see from the FPA site, all hormonal contraception does this.

NorksAkimbo · 04/01/2012 11:44

Agree with posters who said he can't pick and choose the religious thing; I was raised Catholic, and the ONLY acceptable form of birth control is the natural form. That's it...ultimately, he should be willing to accept as many children as 'God' sees fit to give. So, he is BU.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 11:46

As with most Catholics (in ireland anyway) he has no issues with birth control per se. His problem with mirena is down to his views on abortion and related pro life stance on when life begins.

I know what you are saying. What I am saying is that he can't use his religion as a basis for his argument as he doesn't follow it properly, he picks and chooses, and is a massive hypocrite for doing so. And what chaotic said.

Nagoo · 04/01/2012 11:48

YANBU, if your DH doesn't like it then he can use condoms, ensuring that he doesn't have to worry about his moral stance on his idea about conception.

AMumInScotland · 04/01/2012 11:50

The idea that a life starts at fertilisation rather than successful implantation isn't just a "religious" thing though, it's a moral choice which people can decide they believe whatever their religious views. So him being RC really isn't the issue.

But what matters is that you have different views, which you are equally entitled to. So if you can't agree on one single viewpoint on that, then whoever sets the bar "highest" has to be the one to jump it.

What would be unfair is him deciding it has to be pre-fertilisation, and that therefore you have to use the Pill, when you no longer feel it's the right choice for you. If he feels it is important, then he has to make the effort to deal with it.

FlangelinaBallerina · 04/01/2012 11:51

DH is entitled to his view that life begins at conception and any form of contraception that affects the implantation of a fertilised egg. That's his moral call to make, as it is for all of us. I entirely disagree with it (am proudly pro-choice and pregnant) but at the end of the day, we all decide for ourselves. Fine. Everyone draws the line somewhere. However, he hasn't done a very good job at researching the matter, if he was happy for you to be on the pill for years. He is entitled to ensure that his contraceptive choices reflect his moral beliefs. He is not entitled to ensure that yours do.

As such, if he wishes to avoid any fertilised eggs being messed with, he has the option of ensuring that fertilisation doesn't happen. He can do this by using condoms, having a vasectomy or refraining from vaginal sex with you. It is his right to do any of these things. It isn't his right to insist that you undergo yet more uncomfortable and invasive procedures in your reproductive organs. Your bits need a break!

dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 11:52

Well, Catholicism isn't a cult, it's a religion. Yes the Catholic Church still has to say condoms are sinful and strict Catholics will agree, but many Catholics these days use birth control that prevents conception. At least, this is my experience coming from the states and being raised Catholic, although this was in a very Irish Catholic area as well.

It is possible to be religious and not follow every single tenet of the religion 100 percent. In fact, I don't think anyone is capable of following every instruction 100 percent.

I know it may sound odd to other people, but just want to say from my experience the OP's husband is not being as illogical as some might think (or at least, he's not unusual in doing so).

Original poster

BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 11:52

DH has not mentioned religion once in this discussion. I only mentioned the Catholic thing to give some background to his pro life leanings. It does not inform his views in birth control at all.

OP posts:

FlangelinaBallerina · 04/01/2012 11:54

Meant to add the words is wrong to the first sentence of my above post.

ShowOfHands · 04/01/2012 11:57

There is no sperm in pre ejaculatory fluid Fig.

If he prefers condom use/pill then stick with the mirena and reintroduce condoms.

dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 11:58

To clarify, I mean a lot of Catholics will use barrier methods that prevent conception from occurring, but not the pill or the coil.

I mean, obviously Catholics today are using BC, I spent some time growing up in an area that was practically 100 percent Catholic and yet most families had 2-3 kids at most, which I don't think you would see if no one was using BC or just relying on natural methods.

Original poster

BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 12:00

Yes thank you dreaming. DH never claims to be a strict Catholic. He would be the first to admit that he ignores certain of the rules, in common with the vast majority of Catholics in Ireland. However it is relevant here as being a member of a religion does effect you and mould you and it has done with my DH and his view of when life begins and abortion.

OP posts:

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 04/01/2012 12:00

'if he wishes to avoid any fertilised eggs being messed with, he has the option of ensuring that fertilisation doesn't happen. He can do this by using condoms, having a vasectomy or refraining from vaginal sex with you. It is his right to do any of these things. It isn't his right to insist that you undergo yet more uncomfortable and invasive procedures in your reproductive organs.'

This!

He has several options open to him which will allow HIM to ensure that his preferred method of contraception - non-fertilisation - is practiced.

However, he would rather make a complaint and pass the issue over to you to (painfully, invasively) sort? Is he this entitled, selfish and incapable in other areas of his life?

valiumredhead · 04/01/2012 12:07

show the chances are slim from getting pregnant from pre cum (yuck hate that word) but it is possible - that's why the natural rythym (sp) method is so unreliable. Plus sperm can be left over from the last ejaculation.

For the life of me I just cannot get my head around my dh dictating MY choice of contraception

DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 12:11

Off topic, but why be a catholic at all if you aren't following that "brand" of religion?

Why not just describe yourself as christian, or a believer?

Why not update catholicism to reflect the views of the majority?

Thanks show, I always thought there was.

Original poster

BlueFergie · 04/01/2012 12:15

Well crunch I think that's harsh. I don't think he wants me to get it out to save himself the hassle of condoms. After all if it comes out he will have to use condoms anyway as i cant take oestrogen pill when bf. I think he just doesn't want to rely on it at all.
We only discussed it briefly last night as it was late. The condom suggestion came at the end and I think this is what he will go for in the end. Interesting that someone said it is just line of defence like the pill. I'll say this to him as well.

OP posts:

betabaker · 04/01/2012 12:17

um, tell him you've had it taken out - how would he be able to check?
Seriously, what does he suggest, pre-vasectomy? (Anyway the snip is a doddle compared to childbirth...whole different thread there)

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