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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel grandparents dont prioritise us when helping out with childcare

50 replies

mancityslicker · 04/01/2012 00:10

We have recently had 2 babies; my family lives a 500 mile trip away as I relocated with my husband who wanted to be near his family. The inlaws are local. They provide support each week to the part time working mothers of all grandchildren who all are also local, but have decided not to offer that support to us, as they believe we can afford to do without (ie we can pay for a nursery) & they (quite rightly) cant give all their time to childcare. We dont care about the money side, we wanted some support particularly as we are the only family where the mother has only one set of grandparents and we dont have the type of jobs that will allow us to work substantially reduced hours.

We wanted our children to have more family contact - maybe half a day a week. All the other grandchildren only spend 1 days maximum in childcare and a day with each grandparent; we will have to do 4/5 in nursery. Ridiculous as it may sound, its the inequity that is upsetting , though we fully understand that grandparents shouldnt give up their fre time to become childminders. Just we feel that this is something they are prepared to give t others, not to us - and whilst financially we are not most in need, we have literally no support network whilst all other 5 grandchildren benefit from part time mums, and two sets of grandparents who all provide support. The families have chosen to sacrifice earnings to have part time - we would need to change careers to let that happen
I suppose ultimately we are most upset that the decision criteria is who has the (perceived) most money - when that doesnt seem to be the most important question to the childrens well being or our support. I stress none of the families supported are struggling financially - its all a matter of priorities
Am I being a selfish cow or simply jealous!? How best should we broach this with the family.
I dont simply expect them to provide more and more childcare, but feel aggreived we are simply not considered or discussed with us before they reached their conclusion - they have recently offered support to another grandchild.
ineed they seemed a bit annoyed that we broached the subject - they said they had assumed we didnt want support and their criteria was financial!

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 04/01/2012 00:15

Do you think that they may be all childcared out?

It sounds like they're doing a lot, maybe they would like to help if circumstances were different, but are relieved that they can say "no" to you as you have other optons, ie the funds to pay for professional childcare.

Salmotrutta · 04/01/2012 00:16

Why can't you just visit them with the children if you want them to have contact?
If you have childcare in place you don't need them for that surely?

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2012 00:16

To be fair, they're probably worn out and knackered as it is...looking after other people's children whilst trying to enjoy some part of their retirement to themselves.

I wouldn't worry about it and I certainly wouldn't broach it.

How long can they be expected to look after all these kids while the family keep on having them?

Your child can still have a perfectly close relationship with their Grandparents (maybe even closer) without them being their carers.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 04/01/2012 00:16

Also, tbh, if this situation has got you analysing motives and emotions bfore it has even started, there may be a case in point that paid-for chldcare may be better suited to you.

Jasper · 04/01/2012 00:31

Were the other grandchildren already in the loop with grandparent care before your two came along?

If so I can see why the status quo would continue, from the grandparents' viewpoint . They'd either have to do more child care than at present, or reduce preexisting time with another grandchild.

Jasper · 04/01/2012 00:54

Are you concerned that they like their other grandchildren more than your two?

Pliny · 04/01/2012 01:00

Have you asked the GPs round to see the children so they have the relationship/bond you want while you are there for the moment to make sure they spend some time together without being the responsible adults for a bit?

Triggles · 04/01/2012 01:02

It's not technically their responsibility to provide you with childcare. Unfortunately you sound a bit like a child saying "It's not fair - she's got a bigger piece of cake than me!!" Can't you just take your children to visit their grandparents?

Shanghaidiva · 04/01/2012 01:04

Your children will still see the gps without them looking after them - weekends/holidays etc. I don't see that anything positive will come out of broaching the situation with them - will only create bad feelings all around.

Triggles · 04/01/2012 01:05

Oh, and as both the parent of small children and a grandparent (we have two older adult children that are parents now), I would not appreciate (nor would I tolerate) one of my children telling me how to spend my free time and which children I should be babysitting for. That is OUR decision.

nailak · 04/01/2012 01:11

She and Dh moved near his parents, away from her support network, for a reason. So I understand why she feels down. But Yabu. They can have a relationship, without being carers.

bobbledunk · 04/01/2012 01:39

YABVU.

It's not anyone else's responsibility to take care of your children. They must be exhausted with looking after the children they are currently minding and now you want to add two babies to that?Shock

TWO BABIES!...Confused

LineRunner · 04/01/2012 01:47

Maybe you can be the 'fun' couple that invites the GPs round for Sunday lunches and afternoons out, as a family.

neshnosher · 04/01/2012 05:09

Childcare and grandparents?
My grandparents never once had me over in a babysitting/childcare way.
But now it's taken for granted.

SpiceWeasel · 04/01/2012 05:51

I would firstly examine your own reasons for wanting this. Is it because you are afraid your children won't be as close to your grandparents as their cousins? Because you don't want your children in daycare for as long hours?

It could be they feel they have no choice but to provide childcare for the other children. But there could be a huge difference to the free time available to them if they care for your children too.

Also, have you asked them and they turned you down?

SpiceWeasel · 04/01/2012 06:24

To add: what I mean is, if it is not through concerns about how your children are being cared for, but through concerns that you are not being treated "fairly" (which is very subjective as you may not know the full story), I would drop it.

TheSkiingGardener · 04/01/2012 06:28

I completely understand. It's the lack of talking to you about it and the fact that they have made a decision based on something that feels unfair.

I would also feel upset for the fact that it feels as if your children are being left out.

Having said that, there is sod all you can do except explain to them what you have said here. It is their decision but it is perfectly fair of you to tell them how that decision feels to you.

BigHairyGruffalo · 04/01/2012 06:53

YANBU! I think the OP has had a hard time. It isn't like she is demanding childcare for no reason, and tbh I think most people would be upset at the blatant inequality shown here!

Unless there is an extreme circumstance (ie death of a parent), the grandparents really shouldn't be offering something like that if they cannot offer it to all of the grandchildren.

However, is there a chance that this is just the case for when they are babies? If they didn't look after the other gc when they were babies then they are being fair.

callmemrs · 04/01/2012 06:58

This is yet another reason why using relatives for free childcare isn't a good idea. Even if it appears to work well for one family, it may leave another family feeling short hanged.

Op- you know that your in laws arent unpaid childcare. You know it's not right to expect that. Embrace the fact you have free rein to choose your own best form of childcare with no strings attached, and focus on your child having a close and loving relationship with their grandparents which isn't based on obligations. It will probably be a welcome relief to the inlaws, who may well be feeling tied down and restricted by the care they're already doing

callmemrs · 04/01/2012 06:59

Short changed!

Triggles · 04/01/2012 08:00

This is one of the reasons we refuse to do regular childcare for our grandchildren. I am not going to have some petulant adult child demanding "equal time" for each child. I swear, the expectations of some people are unbelievable. My parents did some childcare for both myself and some of my siblings at various points in our lives, and at no point would we ever have DARED demand equal time for all the grandchildren. There are twelve of them, for heaven's sake!!

If you want your children to be close to their grandparents, then simply visit them frequently. Don't get precious about who's babysitting what child. It makes you look petty and greedy.

These types of threads seem to pop up on here regularly, and it never ceases to amaze me how all these parents think it's their "right" to portion out the grandparents' free time into childcare so that all the grandchildren are watched "equally." I would never demand my mother or my MIL watch the grandchildren in equal amounts, and I would never tolerate one of my adult children telling me how to spend my free time either. These grandparents are ADULTS, with their own lives, and their own priorities. They are not there to serve you as childcarers.

Grow up. Get your own childcare sorted yourself. And take your children to VISIT their grandparents.

hocuspontas · 04/01/2012 08:13

If you want your chlildren to have contact with their GPs then do what the majority of us do - visit them!

aldiwhore · 04/01/2012 08:13

Well said Triggles.

EdithWeston · 04/01/2012 08:15

I think yo need to separate out the two strands here.

One is the childcare - you seem to have that sorted though.

The other is time with GPs. If you want your DCs to have more time, I agree with the other posters who point out that this can be achieved other than by "childcare".

As it is the time that bothers you most, you (or DH) need to be taking them round there much more often (and staying with them), or having GPs (and indeed aunts/uncles/cousins) round to your house a lot.

Indeed your house could easily become the centre for many, many family gatherings. Your children will get bound in with their cousins as well as their GPs, and it would easily be "win win".

You just need to start issuing those invitations!

Kristingle · 04/01/2012 08:24

The other parents have chosen to work part time. They get less money and are potentially damaging their careers. You have chosen to work ft , get mire monye and advnace your careeers. Tnats why your kids are in ft childcare, because of your careers decsions.

Your inlaws are entitoed to spend their time as they wish, just as you are. I assume if they told you to change jobs so you coudl go part time you would feel aggreived?

I am wondering what jobs you both do that you cant possibley go part time? Are you bith in the armed servives?