to feel grandparents dont prioritise us when helping out with childcare

[mancityslicker]

We have recently had 2 babies; my family lives a 500 mile trip away as I relocated with my husband who wanted to be near his family. The inlaws are local. They provide support each week to the part time working mothers of all grandchildren who all are also local, but have decided not to offer that support to us, as they believe we can afford to do without (ie we can pay for a nursery) & they (quite rightly) cant give all their time to childcare. We dont care about the money side, we wanted some support particularly as we are the only family where the mother has only one set of grandparents and we dont have the type of jobs that will allow us to work substantially reduced hours.

We wanted our children to have more family contact - maybe half a day a week. All the other grandchildren only spend 1 days maximum in childcare and a day with each grandparent; we will have to do 4/5 in nursery. Ridiculous as it may sound, its the inequity that is upsetting , though we fully understand that grandparents shouldnt give up their fre time to become childminders. Just we feel that this is something they are prepared to give t others, not to us - and whilst financially we are not most in need, we have literally no support network whilst all other 5 grandchildren benefit from part time mums, and two sets of grandparents who all provide support. The families have chosen to sacrifice earnings to have part time - we would need to change careers to let that happen
I suppose ultimately we are most upset that the decision criteria is who has the (perceived) most money - when that doesnt seem to be the most important question to the childrens well being or our support. I stress none of the families supported are struggling financially - its all a matter of priorities
Am I being a selfish cow or simply jealous!? How best should we broach this with the family.
I dont simply expect them to provide more and more childcare, but feel aggreived we are simply not considered or discussed with us before they reached their conclusion - they have recently offered support to another grandchild.
ineed they seemed a bit annoyed that we broached the subject - they said they had assumed we didnt want support and their criteria was financial!

sorry but completely agree with what triggles said.

I am in a similar situation, I live in my DH's country so have no family nearby. my MIL babysits my nephews regularly. If I need childcare I have to sort it out myself. I don not consider to have any "rights" to her free time though.

It's due to some life style choices we have made after all, not her responsibility.

still, if I were really stuck I would not hesitate to ask her as a one-off. And I doubt she'd refuse.

It sounds as though you don't need free childcare in the way the others do. As others have said you can visit the grandparents and it may be better that way because the gps will not have a formal responsibility for your dc and you may avoid arguments over the inevitable different views about food and tv.

Also OP, turn it around. You are lucky to a have a set of grandparents close by. They may well be able to help you out from time to time, eg, if you have an emergency when a child is on anti-biotics and can't go to nursery, etc. That's the sort of help I would have valued.

You are sounding a teeny bit entitled. You decided to move away from your parents because of your jobs, you decided to work full time and advance your career, you decided to have your children. Those are all things for whic you are responsible and later on you will be able to look back and say I did it; possibly even I did it because dh's parents stepped in a few times in the early years when everything went pear shaped.

The other thing I wonder, is are the other grandchildren the children of daughters rather than sons? It shouldn't matter but I think parents, especially mums are more inclined to support daughters in this way in the expectation that other people's daughters have their own mothers to pick up the slack. If your dh's family are all close set in one area they may not have thought about how far away your own parents are. That is not however a reason to raise the issue with them.,

YABU

It is for your PILS to decide what help they are able/willing to give to their children, and the criteria upon which they are basing this decision. It doesn't seem unreasonable at all for them to look at the relative finances of their children and offer the free childcare to those who can least afford to pay for it.

I don't agree at all that parents have to offer exactly the same to all of their children. Once those children are adults they will all have different circumstances and needs. If one child becomes a millionaire with their own business and the other suffers an accident and finishes up unable to work, would you honestly expect their parents to give £1000 to the millionaire if they find they can spare £1000 for the one in need?

I wholeheartedly agree with those who say that the contact issue is completely separate from the childcare issue. My PILs have 2 sets of grandchildren - for one set they are treated as free babysitting and they very rarely have the children simply brought to visit - they always come to be looked after. As a result of this, we have made an active choice not to take up many of their very generous offers of babysitting in favour of visiting them with our DS so they can enjoy time with their grandchild without him becoming a chore.

It does seem that a lot of GPs are expected to sacrifice the pleasures of being a grandparent in favour of effectively sharing the responsibilities of a parent.

I know where you're coming from OP, my parents spent all their time looking after my DB's boys ( lone parent ) and DP's spent all theirs looking after his DSis' ( liked to party ) so when they saw ours it was just social time and they do know the other sets of cousins better as they have spent a lot more time together ... But hey-ho, what can you do?

As other people have pointed out, GPs have their own lives and agendas and make their own choices, you can only call the shots if you're paying!

thank you everyone; its our first children so it s really useful to get some sensible perspective out there. Particularly thnks EdithWeston, I think thats the sensible way

There seem to be a few issues in your post that are getting mixed up.

I think it's important that you look at how upset you feel because your inlaws made a decision about what you needed/didn't need without discussing it with you. I suspect that you are the organised, sorted couple who rarely ask for help with anything. I can understand your disappointment that when you do finally have something you want help with it's not forthcoming. Maybe you need to look at whether you need to involve your inlaws more - emotional support can be far more valuable than practical support.

The assumption that your inlaws would do a day a week babysitting is cheeky on your part. It's too much to ask anyone. I don't care if they do it for others. Have you ever visited them after a day of doing this - they will be exhausted. This is just petty of you, drop it.

Your fear that without spending a full day a week with them your babies won't get to know thwm is invalid. You can't play all day with little kids - there's a lot of mind numbing boring shit (nappies, feeding, loading in and out of cars etc). But have them for an hour and the phrase quality time comes into its own. If your inlaws only see your two for fun then they are going to have an intense and joyous relationship with them.

As working parents your childcare costs will be the same for 4 days as for five. Plus you know that your childcare is always in place - grandparents can get sick.

Finally stop criticising your sil and bil's life choices. You are choosing to work rather than stop completely. It's crap you don't have a part time option I know but u are sounding entitled and spoilt. Otoh I appreciate that you might end up with less cash to spend than the others - suck it up though cos you'll be better off in the long term.

I suggest you get round to pil's with a big bunch of flowers, say you realise you were out of order demanding help but you're just anxious about the relationship.

If it's any consolation, in a few years the other kids will go to school and the inlaws will find themselves unceremoniously dumped as being surplus to requirements. Spending time for fun with GP's won't have been built into the family routine. I bet at that point you become the favourites!

My inlaws and parents have only ever done emergency childcare for either us or our sil. Frankly I would not want my inlaws caring for my children on a regular basis. I love my in laws, but my mil is virtually blind and going deaf. My FIL is deaf and and losing his mental facilties. I recongise that they would not cope with looking after an active pre schooler.

Childen need consistancy of care. Frankly if you can afford more days at nursery it will make your life easier. Potty trainng or keeping to a routine is a nightmare with multiple carers. Often granparents have very dated ideas on discipline. For example my in laws are strongly in favour of smacking.

Its understandable that you feel jelous. However its understanable that your inlaws don't want to look after seven children. I suppose that financial criteria is fair enough.

YABabitU about grandparents providing equal childcare.

But YANBatallU about the difference in relationships with your children and other grandchildren. Leaving the need for childcare while working out of it for a minute, children have intrinsically different relationships with adults who provide care for them, tell them off, cuddle them if they fall over, and do the dull as well as fun stuff, than adults who play with them for short periods and give presents.
I think you can be disappointed that your children will have a different relationship with grandparents to their cousins without taking any childcare for granted.

We are close to grandparents, who do a lot of practical care for my nieces/nephews but not my children. It's rarely an issue day to day, but it does sadden me at times when we are all together, and they so obviously know nieces/nephews better in terms of understanding their needs and routines etc. I hope it will change a little as the children get older and the practical side of care lessens. I am sometimes a bit pushy/organising about making time with grandparents-trips out, 'booking' them for birthdays etc-so they are able to be with us for the most important and memorable stuff. Maybe that would help?

"I relocated with my husband who wanted to be near his family."

So you left behind your family and friends (aka support network) on his behest? Did he make you think that his family would become a support network? Why did he want to be near his family - do you see much of the family (not just his parents)? What does he say about this situation?

I guess what I'm really wondering is - did you want to move, and would you prefer to move back?

I feel very sorry for your PIL, who have after all done their bit bringing up their own kids. You have full-time childcare, your choice, so you obviously don't need their help. There's nothing to stop you visiting them with your children, or inviting them for a meal at the weekend, to spend some quality time with their grandchildren.

You have no right to expect your PIL to consult you about how they use their time. There is no right to "equal time" for all the grandchildren, circumstances dictate what is right. You are being not just unreasonable, but extremely unfair to expect more from them.

I think you are being ABabitU but have a degree of empathy.

Am I right in thinking that your husband left his home town, whilst his siblings remained in the same area they grew up in? His siblings have benefited from free childcare, but then they have probably provided lifts, shopping, meals for their parents etc. I am not suggesting your husband has been a neglectful son, but a system of mutual obligation may have grown up in his absence. Through no fault of your own they will also have a closer relationship with their other in-laws.

They may not babysit your children on a regular basis, but they can still be a terrific source of support. I think the key is to ask your parents in law for advice (even if you don't need it or subtly ignore the advice) from what you've said they have a vast reservoir of experience to draw upon. Ask them if they would like to accompany you to school plays/other significant events involving your kids That way, the feel that they are in an important part of your children's lives.

I think there might be something else going on here, indulge me a moment, -

You have moved away from your family, because your OH wanted to be near his. So you have sacrificed your own support network in order for him to be close to his family. In return, you hoped that his family would treat you like one of their own, and so make up for the family you have left.

They have not done this. They continue (in your eyes) to prioritise their other GC over yours, and want to be more involved with their upbringing. This is very painful for you, because it feels like they are rejecting you, leaving you with no family and no support network.

Is that what's going on?

yabu, many people myself included drop salaries or change careers to enable them to look after their children. I get half the money I got before and half of that goes on child care. But I chose to do that as I didn't want my ds in nursery 5 days a week. But it comes with the sacrifice of money and the job I do now is just a job, there is no career progression and to be trueful i don't really like it at all, I've never felt that way before. I just have to suck it up, as you do if you want to continue working in a full time post.

I think YABVU. You chose to have children and chose to both work full time but yet seem to think others should make sacrifces so that you can do this but you are an adult and responsible for your own lives.

Two four month old babies is a lot to ask family, especially retired grandparents, to take responsibility for each week. If you want them to bond with their extended family then you dont need them to provide childcare you just all need to spend time together.

I feel sorry for lots of grandparents, they work hard all their lives and then retire but then many adult children seem to think its then perfect to use them for cleaning, childcare etc and spit their dummies out when its not provided and i've even seen people on here say they wont assist elderly parents in their old age as they didnt provide childcare! Then of course the moaning that follows if they dare do something different to what the parents do ...

I would move back to be near my own parents and make it clear that lack of contact with my husband's family had been a concern.

I can see both sides of this however I feel yanbu.Explain to the dgp that it is the emotional contact that matters most and remind them why you moved,away from your own family. The problem is probably that the dgp are already committed to the other dgc and are literally unable to do more. I do just a day and a half childcare each week plus babysitting/emergencies when needed. I don't think I could do much more-I get so tired after a whole day.

As your OP sounds like it's mostly that you want them to have a great relationship together, I don't think you're really after child care.

I have seen when grandparents do a lot of the childcare it does change the gp/gc bond because they have to be more like parents. So rejoice that your dc can have a lovely "spoilt" relationship with them. Ask them to join you on a day out, have them round to tea. I suspect they'll both get more out of it that way. And when your dc are older they'll love to have sleepovers etc. whereas the other gc won't see being with gp as a treat.

This is the very reason we didn't move close to the IL, MIL was furious that we moved closer to my parents than them, however as FIL pointed out she is already doing all or the majority of the childcare for sil. Don't have a problem with this (although SIL and BIL have both sets of gp's in a 10 minute radius) but she wouldn't have given up time with them to help us out so I would have been somewhere without my friends, family and no childcare where the childcare (paid for) is much more expensive than where we currently are. I know they do it for the love and financial reasons for SIL but because we pay for cc we don't have as much free cash as they do. Although this seems to bypass MIL. (Sadly my parents help when they can but since we moved the roles have reversed and we need to help them a bit more.)

I thought i replied to this but cant find what i said , anyhoo your ILs maybe are knackered looking after other GC and im always a bit funny about gp looking after Gc anyway basically it isnt their job to do this , visit the gp like others have said they may feel like GP not baby sitters , YABU to expect them to offer dont broach the subject get your CC sorted after all you have two babies . I have seen a relatives familiy be at logger heads because adult children felt GP were favouring 1 set over the other , it was awful dont get like that let your Ils enjoy the babies ,

As a grandparent, I would MUCH rather have the grandchildren over for visits than for childcare. It makes it seem like a chore, rather than a fun day's visit. This is also why we do not do regular childcare for our grandchildren. We would, of course, help out in an emergency, but that's rarely an issue. The only time we provided regular childcare was when DGS1 was a baby and DD lived with us for a couple years. But that was situational, really. We loved having them here, but were relieved when she finally got her own place and was able to source outside childcare. It makes things too complicated IMO.

I don't want to "parent" my grandchildren. I want to spoil them (and send them home all fed to the eyebrows with sugar and noisy toys ).

triggles that is what my mum likes the most tbh. Sent dd to her this morning as had to work and school is out until tomorrow. Categorically said "don't buy anything for her!" Get back to new paints, a magazine, chocolate etc. GP's are allowed to do that. CC doesn't do that. Still, no one listened to my

LOL Figgy my MIL always nods and says "of course of course" when we tell her she doesn't need to buy stuff for the boys... then she buys it anyway and says "oops". I know she fully intends on buying things for them, but it's always age appropriate and something little like crayons, markers, colouring books, chocolate. It's funny actually, and if it makes her happy, I'm not going to worry about it.

Especially since we do the same thing with our grandchildren.

I think part of it is right tigermoll - its about seeming to be low priority when we moved to be near his family support network (but have never had much support!! ) and for that I sacrificed much support from my family (and I have always supported my parents - financially in as much as we can, directly and with holidays stuff like that - ie whatever we can do); but equally I dont want the ILs to be knackered - they should be enjoying retirement. I think we need to find a way to engineer regular visits that are fun and not a chore - and keep it separate from childcare. Ill just have to bite my lip about all the services expected and provided for all the other siblings - I dont want a race to the bottom on this.

I think the easiest thing to do is simply not worry about what the other siblings are "getting." It's completely separate from you and your DH and therefore shouldn't affect you.

Perhaps the "low priority" is just your perception - if you're going from your family (where you had a higher level of involvement) to his family (where the involvement level is a bit lower) it can have ups as well you know. Less interference from family members for one thing. It tends to make family relationships less complicated and less prone to arguments (as opposed to those working around childcare where methods and schedules can cause conflict).