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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my sister crazy to have a baby?

37 replies

Sistertwister · 03/01/2012 20:13

Hello, MN regular but have namehanged as I don't want to be outed under my regular profile.

My sister is 22 and has just got married. She has a chronic illness and spent much of last year in hospital, ending up with a long-term use of painkillers. She is still on them.

She is desperate to have a baby and is two months pregnant (she got pregnant a week after a miscarriage).

My problem is that she is unable to take care of herself. She cannot work full time as she gets too tired. Our parents bought her a business as a florist and she cannot work a full day. She has to have naps during the day.

Ever since I had my child two years ago, she has wanted to get pregnant so "we can raise our kids together". We also have two other sisters who both have young kids - my sisters and I are older, all in our thirties.

Nice idea but there are several things that bother me here. First, she is still sick and is not controlling her chronic condition. Waiting even a few months to conceive would help her get better.

I also don't understand how she thinks she will cope with the demands of a small baby. Her husband has to drive home and make her lunch at the moment. Our parents employ him themselves so this is possible. She says our mum will help her do lots of the work but I don't think you should have a baby relying on your mother (who has multiple grandkids) picking up daily baby chores if you can avoid it.

Am I being unreasonable to think she is being crazy to get pregnant when she is sick? I feel she is very young and because our parents baby her (they actually bought her a house for her wedding!) she hasn't had to do things like save for a house, save for a baby etc without ANY parental help like me and my sisters, so is she just getting carried away?

(I will obviously be 100% supportive of her now she is pregnant, I just want to know if thinking she is nuts is unreasonable.)

AIBU??

OP posts:

Serenitysutton · 03/01/2012 20:16

I can see why you're concerned about her. I don't think yabu but there isn't much can be done now And even if she wasn't already pregnant it really doesn't sound as though shed listen.

lisaro · 03/01/2012 20:18

I think that she's very selfish, but someone will no doubt come on here and insist it's her 'right'. But bugger anybody else's rights, especially the baby.

CaffeineIsMyBestFriend · 03/01/2012 20:20

I'm sure she will be closely monitored throughout her pregnancy and for a time after the baby is born by midwives, doctors and other HCP. It might not be an ideal situation but with her being pregnant already and the baby being very much wanted, there isn't much you can really do about it.

I understand your concern, I would be the same if it were my younger sister, but all you can do really is support her. You seem to have some resentment about how much she has been given in her adult life, would you be feeling this strongly about how 'crazy' she is if she did everything her own way? Or are you thinking about how much she will get from your parents to help her with the baby? If that's the case, you're being unreasonable.

Original poster

Sistertwister · 03/01/2012 20:21

Thanks serenity you are probably right. Actually I think I am also annoyed with my parents for doing what I see as enabling this disregard for her health. When she kept telling us all that she wanted a baby no matter what, my parents kept on saying how great it was to get more grandkids. My mum even said the other say how even though she isn't well, it isn't like she really has to work as they will help her out . Which isn't the point - yes, my parents are for some reason helping her very heavily financially ("so she doesn't have to wait for her babies" said my mum). But they don't seem to get how ill she has been - the doctors recommended last year that she shouldn't get pregnant for at least two years. Argggh.

OP posts:

HandMini · 03/01/2012 20:21

Is her condition something that will improve / alleviate? Do you talk to her about her health problem or whatever it is?

NatashaBee · 03/01/2012 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seabright · 03/01/2012 20:23

I think I would feel like you. In fact, I would probably be a lot angerier if a sibling of mine had been provided with a house and a buisiness.

I guess a lot might depend on whether she could get better, if she worked on her rehabilitation, or if this is as good as she will get. Was she advised not to get pregnant and ignored that advice?

If you tell her/your parents how you feel (even if you do it calmly) will it cause the relationships to break down? What do your other sisters think?

Original poster

Sistertwister · 03/01/2012 20:24

caffeine - the only reason all the extra help my parents gives my sister annoys me is because it means she isn't dealing with her issues. When my parents said they were employing BIL so he could get away from work to look after sister, I thought that was lovely. But giving her a house and telling the whole family it is so she can have kids now, when doctors have told her to wait, seems a bit bonkers to me.

OP posts:

Serenitysutton · 03/01/2012 20:24

Hmmm yes I'm not sure your parents have taken the right approach there.

I'd feel the same as you

OTTMummA · 03/01/2012 20:25

Someone who is so sick they can not make themselves lunch, and whos response is that mum will help out a lot with the baby, is clearly irrational, or immature, and also clearly desperate for something normal to happen to them.
I feel sad that she will come to resent or regret the baby when she can not get the amount of help she will really need.

CalamityLame · 03/01/2012 20:25

Oh dear. No, I don't think YABU, but I also don't think that there's much you can do about it.

It doesn't sound as though she plans for things, or understands / gives much thought to the consequences of certain things, but then again, I'm sure that if we had properly thought through having DD, we may well not have had her at all!

Really sorry, I think you are just going to have to let her get on with it.

fireandthefury · 03/01/2012 20:27

Well she's pregnant now. So a bit pointless hashing over whether she shoudl hacve done it.

Original poster

Sistertwister · 03/01/2012 20:28

seabright my other sisters agree with me 100%. We all spoke to our mum about it and asked her to please encourage her to listen to the medical advice. No good.

My sister's condition is entirely manageable with the correct treatment but this cannot be continued while pregnant - but the doctors felt it could be stopped in a couple of years so she could have a baby if desired. But for now, getting the condition under control was more important to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sistertwister · 03/01/2012 20:30

fireandthefury - I know it's pointless now as she is pregnant and I'm sure I'll adore her baby. I just needed to see if I was BU to feel that she was nuts by throwing it out to the MN jury. Better that than telling her my thoughts!

OP posts:

CaffeineIsMyBestFriend · 03/01/2012 20:31

Ok, seeing your new post has changed my opinion.

Basically she is emotionally ready for a baby, just not physically. And because your parents, along with her DH will help bring up this child until his/her mother is no longer ill, she is prepared to ignore all advice and do what she wants. Ok, now I know you are not being unreasonable.

Still not much you can do about it though, and as I said before she will be heavily monitored throughout so you all have that piece of mind.

JosieZ · 03/01/2012 20:32

If she has ME parents possibly think having a baby will 'sort her out'.

If she has MS parents will probably end up doing a great deal for her so won't be there for their other DDs. But nothing you can do.

Cabrinha · 03/01/2012 20:34

She appears to have a husband and a stable financial position. It soundslime she needs more support to care for a baby than some, but if sh has that support, then why not? Why should she be penalised be ause she's lucky enough to have rich and supportive parents? Sounds like sour grapes to me. If her husband had a chronic condition, bet you wouldn't think same. Or if age was physically disabled and needed additional support provided by her husband. If my daughter had a chronic illness and I could afford to help her financially and practically (with husband's flexibility) then I would.
I'd even possibly argue having a baby sooner rather than late was a good thing if her condition was likely to degenerate.
The only thing in your post I possibly agree with it stabilising her condition first... But can that truly be done in just a few months? For a chronic condition? Your opinion or medical fact?

DreamingOfAWhiteChristmas · 03/01/2012 20:35

Oh, I'd be fuming.

That's irresponsible. The demands of a baby are constant, fetching, cleaning feeding, changing- no time for a nap just because you 'need' it. A grandparents role should eb different to a parents'. Back up and support, maybe some regular childcare, but not as an essential 'enabler'.

The financial side would make me the most cross. My dad always makes sure to be absolutley fair with my sister and I. He has allocated the same amount of money for our weddings (i'm married, my little sister is not yet), and gave a financial contribution to me and DH when we moved house to enable us to do so, making it clear the exact same money he has now invested for my sis when she buys a house. This keeps the family dynamics smooth, with no 'favouritism' and we both know he is helping us equally and fairly. Why should she get a house and not you? Why would she deserve that above any of her other siblings?!

(nb. I am pg, so maybe hormonal rage here, but it makes me cross)

However, she is pg, and the baby will arrive and need caring for, so I guess it needs accepting and I hope it gets her more motivated for recovery....

Original poster

Sistertwister · 03/01/2012 20:38

cabrinha - her doctors say her condition will improve with time and treatment, not get worse. So when she said she was keen to have a family, they said two years wait to really get the condition under control. Because she is my sister and I have hated seeing her in pain over the last year, I felt even a few more months would give her a better chance of being better long term. I just want her to be better.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 03/01/2012 20:41

Some crossed posts there and I now think she is being more unreasonable than I did before. Still think you have to see it from position of her + husband, not just her. But if doctors have told her to wait, then she should wait.

Original poster

Sistertwister · 03/01/2012 20:42

dreaming - you know what, I wouldn't want a house from my parents. DH and I worked two jobs each for a long time and bought our house and I'm very proud. It just took a long time. My other sisters have all done something similar.

The reason the house gift made us other three sisters a bit was because of the whole baby comments by our mum. We just feel it isn't helpful when the medical stuff is so important.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 03/01/2012 20:43

If you are diagnosed with a chronic illness which is seriously impacting you ability to live a normal life then it can be very hard to start adjusting your hopes and dreams to the new reality.
Perhaps you sister feels that real life might pass her by while she naps and struggles to get through the day, all the time watching her friends and sisters living their lives and fullfilling their dreams. Perhaps having the baby now, instead of waiting (what feels like) a long time, makes her feel more in control and positive about the future.

I can understand the urge to make a grand gesture, to do something so normal and happy as start a family, to try and reclaim your life from the illness that seems to be defining you (it can feel like you stop being 'Jane' and become 'the girl with the illness' instead - people see and think about your illness and forget about the person. Try not to judge your sister, I doubt she is being deliberately selfish or confrontational.

Having said all that, I think she is wrong not to give her illness and medication a chance to stabilise - and I say that as someone who had to delay TTC for two years for exactly that reason.

Original poster

Sistertwister · 03/01/2012 20:45

piprabbit - thanks, that is a really nice post that has made me think in a less irritable way about what my sister is doing. I don't think she is being deliberately selfish - of course if you want a baby, you want a baby - but I just want her to do it without hurting herself more.

OP posts:

Adversecamber · 03/01/2012 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goldbow · 03/01/2012 20:50

She is pregnant so this is all a bit irrelevant. I have 3 DDs and have often thought about having a fourth even though I have a health problem which can make me really ill. currently don't want anymore DCs

Are you a bit green because your parents 'baby' her?

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