Is my sister crazy to have a baby?

[Sistertwister]

Hello, MN regular but have namehanged as I don't want to be outed under my regular profile.

My sister is 22 and has just got married. She has a chronic illness and spent much of last year in hospital, ending up with a long-term use of painkillers. She is still on them.

She is desperate to have a baby and is two months pregnant (she got pregnant a week after a miscarriage).

My problem is that she is unable to take care of herself. She cannot work full time as she gets too tired. Our parents bought her a business as a florist and she cannot work a full day. She has to have naps during the day.

Ever since I had my child two years ago, she has wanted to get pregnant so "we can raise our kids together". We also have two other sisters who both have young kids - my sisters and I are older, all in our thirties.

Nice idea but there are several things that bother me here. First, she is still sick and is not controlling her chronic condition. Waiting even a few months to conceive would help her get better.

I also don't understand how she thinks she will cope with the demands of a small baby. Her husband has to drive home and make her lunch at the moment. Our parents employ him themselves so this is possible. She says our mum will help her do lots of the work but I don't think you should have a baby relying on your mother (who has multiple grandkids) picking up daily baby chores if you can avoid it.

Am I being unreasonable to think she is being crazy to get pregnant when she is sick? I feel she is very young and because our parents baby her (they actually bought her a house for her wedding!) she hasn't had to do things like save for a house, save for a baby etc without ANY parental help like me and my sisters, so is she just getting carried away?

(I will obviously be 100% supportive of her now she is pregnant, I just want to know if thinking she is nuts is unreasonable.)

AIBU??

I sometimes think that it can be harder for the family of an ill person to cope, than the person themselves. Watching someone you love hurting must be awful, so I can understand you want to protect your sister from more pain and illness.

It's a really tough situation for you all - and I hope your sister begins to listen to medical advice as her pregnancy develops.

It would seem that your sister is your mothers daughter, both as silly as each other. Sorry.
Not much you can do.

YABU. If your sister had a problem that could be labelled a disability, would you still be so unsupportive?

adverse - yes sister and DH are both 22 so still very young. My parents do sister's washing still as well as the businesses/houses! Her DH does not mean to put her health at risk, I don't think, but he says that he just wants to make her happy. He adores her.

The whole fairness thing - well, my parents were not in a position to do this kind of thing when my other sisters and I were younger. And now none of us really ask for our parents' financial help as we would rather they spent their own money. So a lot of that is just my parents finding themselves with money in later life.

the urge to have a baby can be very overpowering, if people could switch these feeling off there would be no need for fertility treatments.

Jesters - no, if my sister had a disability I would obviously support her. She does not. She has a condition which can be controlled and she doesn't agree with the doctors on her treatment as it means waiting to have a baby. I want her to get better because I love her and am anxious.

goldbow - ah well it is good to know things worked out and you have lovely DC now despite your potential condition.

As I said earlier, not upset or jealous about help given to younger sister except when it has helped her ignore the doctors. My parents didn't have this cash earlier in life and I don't want them to set me up a business or buy me a house. I like doing my own thing.

I can sort of see your point OP and I have similar issues to your Dsis myself. I had a DD who was unplanned when I was young and had health issues needing rest, which meant I relied on my parents a lot.

I cannot understand someone choosing to have a baby under those circumstances - in my case, contraception failed but I continued to have periods so I didn't find out I was pg until quite late. I felt guilty for having to ask for financial and practical help all the time and ashamed for not being able to look after my own child. It was probably confusing for DD as well, as she had to be looked after by my parents overnight sometimes and I couldn't always play with her or take her out to places she would have liked.

I don't think there is much you can do now that your Dsis is pg, it sounds like your parents will help so at least she won't have to ask too much from you. You sound very independent and stable so at least you're not really losing out by the fact that your parents are giving so much support.

flyaway wow, that sounds very hard. I don't think you should feel guilty though as you did your best in difficult circumstances. You should be proud.

I guess I just have to think of my baby sister as a grown woman now starting her own family. And concentrate on the joys of getting to be an auntie again rather than just feeling upset by the circumstances.

TBH I think it's your parents who are the really irresponsible ones - they are enabling your sister's potentially self-destructive behaviour. No doubt your mother thinks she is being kind, but I wonder if the real reason is that she doesn't want to to let her youngest grow up?

Still, as others have said, there's not much to be done now your DS is pregnant.

Got to go to bed now. Thanks for all the responses whether YANBU or YABU. It's really helped to vent some of my worries and annoyance here. All of which means I will be much more positive when I next speak to my sister. Thanks.

God, OP you sound infinitely reasonable. Your sister is lucky to have you.