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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by christmas present 'snub'

32 replies

Vickles · 03/01/2012 16:05

On Boxing Day - my adoptive sister's came over with their children to swap xmas presents.

(Huge history here of me losing parents when I was young, and was taken in by my aunt and uncle and two cousins... even though I called my aunt and uncle 'Mum' and 'Dad' overtime.. I never felt accepted and loved by the cousins... although we called each other 'sisters'! Years of feeling left out, black sheep of the family etc.....)

I've been beginning to stand up to them these past 2 years... and they have been hurt by me 'pulling away' from them. It's all a bit of a mess to be honest... and it hasn't been helped that our Dad (my uncle) passed away a couple of years ago - and our Mum (aunt) has been away alot and has met a new man... and even though she loves us all.. she doesn't really want to play happy families!

Anyway, one 'sister' has a daughter aged 5yrs and the other has an aged 8 yrs... and I bought them each a pink webcam each for christmas... so they can talk to each other (as they lived about 70 miles away from each other)

Well, my older 'sister' saw what I'd given her daughter, and said, infront of everyone (there were some other family members there) 'we have a mac computer'...'it won't work'.... and then just looked at me! I kind of looked around the room embarassed, and apologised, saying 'sorry, i didn't know that'... 'i don't think i've got the receipt, sorry'.... and it remained quiet.... then, the younger 'sister' said 'oh, alan's got a laptop, it can work on that'..... then the older 'sister' said...'it's broken'!

To be honest.... it's always been like this... and I've just taken it, since being 13 yrs (I'm 37 yrs now!) And it's really effected my self esteem over time... So, last year, I pretty much lost it with them, saying that I was fed up of the way they treat me... and I pulled right back.

What I'm asking your help for.. is how to deal with this latest incident. Do I let it go... and just smile and nod next time we all get together for something... Or mention it.. or make an equally sarcastic comment about something! (Our 'Mum' has arranged a family photoshoot of all the grandchildren, including her new husband's grandkids - which sounds lovely, and we're well up for it!) So, our paths will cross this weekend....

Any help is greatly appreciated!
x

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 03/01/2012 16:08

All they did was comment that it wasn't compatible - they didn't snub you or ask you to exchange did they?

It sounds like a mountain out of a molehill Confused - people buy unusable gifts all the time, it's not your fault.

Original poster
Vickles · 03/01/2012 16:14

She pretty much rejected it really... and it was done in such a public way.
I would never ever reject a present or say that it wasn't suitable/compatable.
We've had loads of unsuitable presents this christmas, but I would never dream of saying so to the person... and infront of everyone.
I understand what you say about making a mountain out of a mole hill though... I was just hurt by the way she went about it.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 03/01/2012 16:17

Its obviously a sensitive situation, and her reaction was insensitive in that particular context. But it sounds as though you've been finding your way lately with these difficult relationships. Don't let this incident set you back, but equally don't allow it to become a bigger issue than it need be.

newgirl · 03/01/2012 16:20

What was she meant to say? I think it was ok to say it would not work rather than tell future White lies when the kids are trying to get it to work. I guess she was too blunt but I do think this is fixable

SamMiguel · 03/01/2012 16:21

Vickles, it's not easy feeling like the odd one out. The fact that you feel as though they leave you out in some way, will not help when they make comments like that. They may be totally innocent but because of your underlying hurt you take it differently. They may not realise that they make you feel like this (even if you have told them - they may think they are behaving normally but you perceive it differently).
You have a few choices I think.

  1. Talk to them - sit them down when you are all calm and explain how you feel about your place in the family. Give examples of the sort of behaviour that makes you feel that way and maybe all come up with suggestions of ways to move forward.
  1. Cut them out of your life - if they are hurting you so much maybe it is time to move on without them.
  1. Accept that your place in the family IS slightly different and dont expect their behaviour to reflect something else. They may be your sisters in name but maybe they are actually, in your heart and theirs, your cousins and you may have to settle for a relationship which is slightlyless than you would want.

I do understand how you feel Vickles, I have been in a similar position and I chose option 3, although I wish option 1 was something I felt I could do! Good luck!

Panda1234 · 03/01/2012 16:21

Um... maybe she could have told you later. But wouldn't that have been making an even bigger deal out of it? Also, the rest of the family were going to find out anyway, as the webcam was for your two nieces to speak to each other.

Practically, could you swap the webcam for one that would work with a Mac? I know emotionally that probably isn't the problem and it's about feeling undermined... but this possibly isn't the best battleground to pick over your differences. I'd be polite and try and sort it out, but save your ammunition for a time that they're more obviously being unreasonable.

Ifancyashandy · 03/01/2012 16:25

What everyone else has said.

You are being over-sensitive (but I can see why, based on your history).

Let it go.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2012 16:36

Speak to her, as others have said but you night have to learn to accept how your cousin sees you. It isn't her that you need to feel accepted by, take 'ownership' of this. Rationalise your relationship with her. In an adoption under 'normal' circumstances the children in the adoptive family would be consulted and asked if they were 'on board', your cousins weren't and couldn't be, rightly so under the circumstances.

What really matters is your relationship with your mum. In a way the fact that she is now with another man, helps, as your cousin would be insulting him and his family, if she rejected, outright, those that wasn't 'born' into it..

You are both acting out feelings from your childhood, that is what you need to work on. I would stop trying with her. Stick to vouchers etc. You are just goin to be setting yourself up.

Original poster
Vickles · 03/01/2012 16:46

Spot on SamMiguel and thankyou for words of wisdom.

I am somewhere inbetween a 2 and a 3.. I tried to be a 1 and actually sat down with them, and we all talked and got stuff of our chest... but, nothing came from it. We all vented, but didn't really sort out how to move forward, other than agreeing to be honest with each other. They both say what's happened in the past, stays in the past. And, to some extent, I agree with them. But, I am the person I am today because of what happened and then the way i was made to feel by them. We're just all so different... and the trouble is, there's 2 of them, and 1 of me.

I can't change them, I can only change how I react to them. And, yes, I am an over-reacter when it comes to them..... I wish I wasn't... but I kind of prepare myself for war when I know we are to get together. Well, not war, but certainly cover myself in armour - wondering what games they'll be playing this time.

Things are how they should be now... number 3.. and, I am really trying to let things go... and will do with the christmas present.

Like Panda1234 said... little victories.
Thanks everyone for bringing me back down to earth again....x

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 03/01/2012 16:47

I'm not sure if you are being overly sensitive or not. From the way you describe the situation it was all very awkward, which makes me think that your "sister" wanted it to be awkward rather then just saying it nicely as most people would do.

Original poster
Vickles · 03/01/2012 16:49

Thanks Birdsgottafly... great advice, especially about concentrating on mum... and buying vouchers! xx

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 03/01/2012 16:50

They both say what's happened in the past, stays in the past.

Oooh! I find that people say that when they have behaved badly and just want you to forget about it and brush it all under the carpet! It's not up to them to decide what stays in the past for you, it's your past and no one has the right to tell you to forget about it. I would respond by saying that you are glad they can put it in the past but that you can't due to there being too much hurt, and you can not do so just because they demand it of you.

JestersHat · 03/01/2012 16:55

YANBU. How does she know it wouldn't work with a Mac? Either way it's rude to complain about a present, let alone publicly. Correct thing to do would be to accept it graciously, then if it really is incompatible sell it on eBay as new and get a compatible one instead.

budgieshell · 03/01/2012 17:04

This situation is the same in some families between siblings. The fact that they are cousins is like an excuse for them. If you were true sisters you still might not get on together. Like with all family you have to take it on the chin and get on with it. I for one have put up with things from my brother I would not put up with from any one else. The fact that you all still meet up and exchange gifts makes your relationship better than some other families.
Now that you are all adults you can control how much you see of each other, but it is a lot easier cutting people out of your life than it is to get back in touch.

Lueji · 03/01/2012 17:06

YABU
Why didn't you keep the receipt?
Particularly given your story with them, I would always give the receipt with the present. :)

Original poster
Vickles · 03/01/2012 17:24

thanks budgieshell.... 'you can control how much you see of each other'... i think that's the key to this really... i am in control now...and i can choose when i want to see them.

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 06/01/2012 15:04

BTW I thought it was a very thoughtful present Smile

Original poster
Vickles · 07/01/2012 17:49

thanks gluestickseverywhere... me too! xx

OP posts:
CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 07/01/2012 20:31

I would just like to add, as I don't think anyone else has, that a regular USB webcam ought to work on a Mac just as well as a PC.
I know that the technology isn't really the issue here but:
Why did she think it wouldn't?
Did it say somewhere on the packaging that it was incompatible with stupid machines Macs?
Mac OS is almost the same thing as Linux and there are libraries full of drivers for that.

ohmygosh123 · 07/01/2012 20:41

I have Macs (laptop and desktop) and they both have built in cameras - so there is no reason why the girl with the Mac can't skype or whatever with the one who now has the lovely webcam to use. Don't worry about it. I don't know why your sister didn't just say that, as I think it was a really great idea.

2rebecca · 07/01/2012 20:51

The present I bought for my sister was too small for her and as I'd bought it online she asked me to exchange it for her. I'd rather she did that than keep it and never wear it.
I wouldn't buy something computery without checking it was compatible, i wouldn't buy a webcam for a primary school aged child without checking their parents want them to have one. I wouldn't have wanted my kids having webcams at that age.
I always ask my sibs what their kids want for Christmas. Much safer.

Original poster
Vickles · 07/01/2012 21:03

That's the thing, I did think about their present... as both my neices live so far away from each other, but are are very close... and thought that this was a lovely idea for them to chat with each other.

My sister got both my girls a puzzle set from asda each... !!!! I say no more.

I think the only reason for her outburst was just to 'swipe' at me to be honest... and infront of the rest of the family.

OP posts:
imaginethat · 07/01/2012 21:06

I think she was v rude and anyone would be hard-pressed not to feel deflated by a comment like that.

How about a thank you for such a thoughtful present, then trying to sort it out later, quietly. Sheesh.

Is she always mean like that?

wheresmypelvicfloorgone · 07/01/2012 21:27

i think your "sister" was very unkind and bad mannered
she could have said something like, thank you, that's a really kind and thoughtful gift, i'm not sure it will work with my mac, but i'm sure one way or another we can set something up for the girls
i think it was a really generous, thoughtful gift
i would consider what you buy in future in the sense that you protect yourself from being hurt if they snub your gift...you could ask the girls/their mums first for ideas so that they cannot be rude about what you give if they've already approved it
reading between the lines it seems you have had to endure a very difficult childhood and been very wounded by the way you have been treated
i would consider speaking to your gp about getting some cbt or similar help to support you and help you deal with past, present and potential future issues. sometimes a professional is better to talk to i reckon as they don't or shouldn't bring their own prejudices/agenda etc into their discussions with you about this stuff

wheresmypelvicfloorgone · 07/01/2012 21:33

i would let her behaviour go for now btw, if she is that insensitive i doubt tackling her head on would change anything for the better
just content yourself with the fact that you would never be so unkind and don't allow her unkindness to stop you being the person you are