To give SIL a list next year....

[wonkylegs]

We have just been to see SIL & her family to exchange gifts and have once again come away a little disappointed about the lack of any effort. I know that it's not about the receiving but the giving of gifts but it's hard to explain that to my 3yo DS.
She got DH a plain White Asda T-shirt, DS an book which I know cost £2 because it was the one thing in the range I asked her not to buy him because he already had it, I did get a Wii game but I'm guessing it's one they've got bored with as it's rather scratched and fingerprinted. It's as if they just ran round the house and picked up some spare stuff. I wouldn't mind if there was a tiny bit of effort, and there was some realisation that the stuff they asked for their 3 kids was really quite expensive. It's not that they can't afford presents (they spent the whole time telling us how well they were doing and how they were going to have to buy a new sports car this year to spend some of the profits of their business) or that I even want them to spend more on us but I would like my kid not to feel like an afterthought at family gatherings.
So next year despite hating to do so would I be unreasonable to specify a present for DS?

I really hope these people only exist on MN because if they're actually out there in the real world, I'm going to be too scared to buy anyone a gift ever again.

Forget the lists and how much money anyone earns

Re-read the bit you wrote in your OP that says 'it's not about the receiving' and then explain to your 3yr old that it really isn't about the receiving.

When of course you've got your own head around that idea.

All that's left to say is.....what Worra said!

Just exchange the book for one you don't have

Your post sounds grasping

We don't buy adults presents anymore, just set a £5 limit on kids

Just remember next year not to go to somuch effort for her family

And why is it all about 'sil', what about bil?!?

If it annoys you that much don't buy for her either. But what worra said.

Good God!!! Really??

I wonder who planted the idea on your 3yo he should feel "like an afterthought at family gatherings".

It isn't about receiving - but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when you open your gifts and realise you were a complete afterthought! I would rather receive nothing from my nan than the stuff she gathers up from round her house, or the cracker gifts she wraps up, but she will insist.

I expect everyone takes the moral highground and has never been disappointed when this happens? I find my emotions a little harder to control (although I can hide them).

If you are going to specify something, it should surely come from your DH, as I assume SIL is your husband's sister?

They asked you for specific gifts for their children? That's a bit off, unless of course you asked them what they wanted.

They exist Worra. DH and his family are like this. My mum got her annual bottle of Bacardi and was over the moon with it, lack of thought and all. My dad got walking boots delivered after xmas because we got them from the boxing day sale, again over the moon.

I shan't go into the problems we had over his family's presents.

Ungrateful feckers, the lot of them, imo.

But I think sometimes with these threads what people really want is to know that their DM/DB/SIL has spent just a tiny bit of time thinking about them and got them a present that they know they will love.Its a bit like sharing that love without saying it.

YES....

It's the height of rudeness! Have you no manners?

The reason I genuinely don't get these threads is because I don't see how the price of a gift or what that gift is, equates to showing someone how much you care about them.

Doing things for people shows you care...or regular phonecalls/visits etc.

I could buy my SIL and her kids a yacht with bells and whistles on (if I had the money)

And then continue to ignore them/be a real bitch to them for the rest of the year.

What would the gift prove?

YANBU.

I think your gift is disgraceful - a scratched and fingerprinted Wii game. Clearly it wasn't bought for you, most likely picked up out of their collection as they are bored with it. Really really rude IMO to give something to someone that you have used and damaged!

It is quite mean to buy a child something that you have been told they already own.

Your DH's present - bit bizarre.

I would stick the lot in the charity shop and forget about it. If you give her a list next year, make sure everything is under £5 as she clearly doesn't want to buy anyone in your family anything.

YAobviouslyBU

and you went to see her for the gift exchange, so did they cater for you? put you up? buy in nice food and drinks.

We didn't spend all that much on SIL this year but we put on an expensive spread, given the choice I'ld rather have a christmas filled with people comming round or having us round than the gifts. And it WAS a choice for us we couldn't do both so we did the entertaining as a priority.

and I talked about a holiday I'm going on. I can't afford to go (another story) but they don't know that and I wasn't gonna whinge about it at gift exchange

It could have been a gift from a second hand game shop. Dd1 adores our local second hand gaming shop. I guess I should stop her going there. It's much more important to teach her the value of material possesions.

I should return the 2nd hand, slightly scratched but still very usuable Just Dance game I got her for Xmas, too probably.

YANBU.

I think giving a thoughtful gift does go toward showing how much one cares.

That could be a beautiful card, even something very cheap, as long as it looks like the gift giver cares

I have a SIL who looks likes she is entering a competition each year...to win the nastiest 'gift'

My DH received some out of date film, so he could take pictures of her children...and a dirty tee -shirt 3 sizes too large.

I personally would rather have nothing, than to be given something as an afterthought.

It shows ...and those that get those type of gifts normally always do.

I gave up making an effort, when the favour was never returned.

A book, a t shirt and a Wii game sound like JUST the gifts for your SIL's family next year. It will either make her think or cause a row. Lack of thought for others is rude.

I know what you mean, its the effort not the cost. My SIL and DB came over a couple of days ago, they gave my DS a small packet of dinosaur cookie cutters and a bag of ingredients. SIL then spent the rest of the day making cookies with DS, it was by far his favorite gift and cost less than £5!

Yanbu

I suspect its not the cost it's the obvious lack of thought and effort.

So she submits a list for her dc that consists of £££ presents and buys your dc a cheap book that he already has? Not on IMO

I would be suggesting no gifts at all next year.

Why when they asked for presents for you to get their DC, didn't you then sugest something for your child?

I would ask them next year if they want to do gifts and if so, then give a list for your DS, the cost doesn't matter to me, it depends on if it is something that they want. I relative really annoyed me this year,as she won't give money or gift vouchers but a dvd that cost £10 wasn't enough, so my DD got something she didn't want.

I have asked every year if we cannot buy for adults, but certain members of the family insist on doing. I have a spending limit that i won't go over, if it doesn't match their gift, then tough, they have next year to recify it. I am not changing my habits.

YANBU.
But to be honest, even if you gave her a list it doesn't sound like she'd take any notice of it, especially as she ignored what you said about the book for your DS.
I would just buy them all token presents from now on rather than going to any special effort.
Worra - but putting thought into a gift does show how much you care for someone (not talking about cost here). Every year my sister buys us all Boots 3for2 smellies, or a bottle of cheap white wine for my Dad (who everyone knows only drinks red), and she gives us all a list for her and her DCs. She asked my parents for an iPad this year! She never puts an ounce of thought into anything, just buys the cheapest crap that she can, and it is hurtful that we come so low on her list of priorities. Last year she regifted something to me, forgetting that I knew she had it. That just tells me that she really doesn't give a shit, and that doesn't feel nice (but at least it's not just me).
So, OP, YANBU.

I have been really surprised to learn over the last few years how mercenary people can be wrt gifts. In my family gifts are secondary to seeing everyone at Christmas, no one expects anything and anything given is gratefully received. If you simply don't like a person and think they're thoughtless that's another issue IMO. My FIL gave me a battery charger for Christmas. It's not expensive but it's a useful gift that he thought I might need, and in fact it's very handy as DS had loads of toys that need to have the batteries changed often. I am glad he thought of me. There is no way on earth I would complain about it or compare it to the gift I gave him.

Grow up OP.

Its reasonable to be upset because they "they just ran round the house and picked up some spare stuff" instead of thinking about you and your family and spending a bit of effort on you.

Giving your SIL a list next year won't change the lack of thought though, it will ensure the lack of thought.

It would probably make you feel better to put a similar lack of thought and effort into your SIL and BIL's presents next year, though.