To give SIL a list next year....

[wonkylegs]

We have just been to see SIL & her family to exchange gifts and have once again come away a little disappointed about the lack of any effort. I know that it's not about the receiving but the giving of gifts but it's hard to explain that to my 3yo DS.
She got DH a plain White Asda T-shirt, DS an book which I know cost £2 because it was the one thing in the range I asked her not to buy him because he already had it, I did get a Wii game but I'm guessing it's one they've got bored with as it's rather scratched and fingerprinted. It's as if they just ran round the house and picked up some spare stuff. I wouldn't mind if there was a tiny bit of effort, and there was some realisation that the stuff they asked for their 3 kids was really quite expensive. It's not that they can't afford presents (they spent the whole time telling us how well they were doing and how they were going to have to buy a new sports car this year to spend some of the profits of their business) or that I even want them to spend more on us but I would like my kid not to feel like an afterthought at family gatherings.
So next year despite hating to do so would I be unreasonable to specify a present for DS?

I actually don't give a stuff how much she spends on us I don't know why I mentioned the cost of the book bar to illustrate how little effort was made. I would just for once like to think that they would spend more effort than to grab the 1st thing that came to hand. I will always continue to spend time and effort on my nieces and nephew's gifts as I truly enjoy buying stuff that they love... I love seeing them open and play with them I just wish my DS got the same opportunity.

Yes if that sounds grasping it is but it is a difficult concept for a small child to smile and be gracious in a room when all the others have something to play with.
I would understand if she couldn't buy something but I am hurt that she can't seem to be bothered. We actually have an alright relationship as in laws but we are very different types of people so haven't a lot in common bar the fact I'm married to her brother.
It wouldn't occur to me to ask her for something specific except every year we get a list for her kids and her & BIL, I hate the idea of it but I am starting to wonder if she's expecting the same from us.
I do know that gifts are for giving and I get great joy from doing so but until you have to sit there with a small child and try to explain it to someone who takes life very literally you won't realise how disappointing it is to realise you & your family are an afterthought.

Give her a list.

Make it a pricey one.

When she raises an eyebrow, say with a completely straight face 'Well I thought you wouldn't mind as you saved so much on him last year.'

But since when did cost equate to effort?

If your kids don't want the gifts then give them, to a charity. Hopefully they will end up with children who really appreciate it.

I just think your idea of giving a list is totally out of order. If she asks for ideas then no problem, but if she doesn't ask then you can't tell her.

She may be struggling herself.

As a small child I knew how to smile and say thank you, I rememer once my great aunt gave me a manky barbie doll with matted hair etc, I still managed to smile and say thank you. I understood that gifts were just as much about the giver as the reciever. My kids enjoy just taking the wrapping paper off, that is the most fun bit, and enjoy watching others open gifts aswell.

Really it is not difficult, they open the present and you say wow! Look at that book, and get excited, make a fuss in a good way, your kids won't notice.

How can it be too hard for them to understand gifts are for.giving but not too hard to understand the concept that they were an afterthought?

Would it be easier to just say "Shall we do presents for the children only"?
Might that work better?
Don't know the answer. We have had a "kids only" policy with my sister-in-law for years and then suddenly she sent presents for me and DH and we hadn't bought anything for them
It's a minefield!

As I said it's not cost - I wouldn't care if it was free, if some effort or thought was made.

And I don't really care about the adults presents can take it or leave it.

I kind of think YANBU. I buy great gifts love giving and its always lovely when you're given a thoughtful gift back. But not everyone is very good at this the PiLs par example so with these individuals, I just drop a blanket Christmas gift embargo (usually accompanied with a fib like "we're skint").

Sure you have to relinquish the pleasure of gift giving to your DNs, but you can still go to town on their birthday presents and by the timing of your post its not like you'd have an awkward Christmas Day moment (I mean if you're exchanging gifts a week after the day)

I know I won't ask for anything next year as I couldn't bring myself to do it and I guess we'll just work on the "wow what a lovely gift" face for next time.

YANBU - they sound like thoughtless gifts. It's not grasping; it's about the effort. There's no point in exchanging presents (regardless of cost) if neither party cares enough to try to please the other. I agree it can be hurtful if you take pride in making the effort yourself. I would suggest token gifts in future or just buying for kids.

If she does lists for you, you should reciprocate. I know some families think it's weird/mercenary, but if that's what you're used to, then it is far less stressful than plucking something out of thin air. My family is big on lists and although I do feel it takes the fun out of it, at least everyone is happy!

your sil is BU giving you a list for the 5 of them then not giving a stuff what she gives ye... I totally understand how it must have felt with your lo sitting with his gift (the book you told her he already had) and all the other kids loving their new stuff you got for them, stuff you made an effort to get... If sil/bil are imaginative enough to be able to write their own list they should be able to think of a little small gift for your ds. I wouldnt give her a list next year but just mention/text whatever that your ds is into eg power rangers/bob the builder whatever he is at the moment so at least you'v given her a nudge in the right direction and you can always keep one of ds's other new toys in your bag if they do the same again?

why don't you just adopt a non-judgmental policy of "gift for dc only"?