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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect to be asked in person - sorry a bit long.

57 replies

ModreB · 03/01/2012 13:28

My family has a very old family bible, with the names of all my mothers family, dates of birth and death written in it. The oldest entry is dated 1807. This bible is in my posession, and it will eventually be given to my eldest son. It is a very precious family artifact and has been handed down to the eldest son/grandchild in each generation. I am the eldest grandchild in my generation.

My youngest uncle's wife, and her daughter, my cousin, for some unknown reason do not speak to me, ever. I have no idea what I have done to offend them, but it started with the mother when I had my DS2 - she just stopped speaking to me. This was over 19 years ago.

I never got to the bottom of it, and to be honest don't care. The cousin has told my other aunt that it is because of something I said to her - but I have no idea what I am supposed to have said and she declines to enlighten me. No other family members can recall anything that I might have said either. She does not speak to me to the extent that when greeted at family events, she will turn her back to me rather than acknowledge a "Hello".

She does have form for this, and has not spoken to her own sister for over 20 years.

Anyway, the cousin has asked my eldest son if she can take the family bible as she is doing some sort of family research. My son then asked me.

I have decided, after speaking to other family members, no, she can't take the bible, as I don't think that it will come back, (There is a history of things being taken and not returned) but that I will scan the relevant pages for her.

So, AIBU to think that if she wants me to scan the pages, she can ask me herself or am I being a petty cow?

OP posts:
SilentBoob · 03/01/2012 13:34

Hmm. No, not petty.

You can either shrug and do nothing until you hear from her (what I would do).

Or you could take this opportunity to extend an olive branch and try and heal the rift? Call her and ask her which pages she needs - open communications. This is probably the more grown up and better course of action, but I don't think I would do it.

5Foot5 · 03/01/2012 13:35

If it was me I think I would just send her a letter or email to say that you understand she wants some information from the family bible, but that you are unwilling to let the bible itself leave your safekeeping but that you could scan and send her the relevant pages. Then tell her to let you know if this would help. That puts the ball in her court to make the next move to you.

How old is your son? If he was approached again would he be confident to tell her that if she wants to talk about it she must approach you herself?

Definitely do not let her get her mits on the bible itself though

QuintessentiallyShallow · 03/01/2012 13:37

Your offer to scan the relevant pages will suffice.

You are the keeper of the Bible. As your oldest child will be when his turn comes.
Dont let her have it.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 03/01/2012 13:37

Also, you can ask her to come to your home to look at the relevant pages.

mothmagnet · 03/01/2012 13:38

I'm glad you've decided not to lend them the Bible, it's a bit odd of them.

YANBU to wait for a personal request; she would like the information, she must ask, though perhaps she's nervous of the reaction she may get.

You are the caretaker of a family possession (sounds fascinating btw) and maybe you have some responsibility to allow the family access when asked.
Could you let her know through the family you'd like this?

ModreB · 03/01/2012 13:39

Silent I have offered so many olive branches over the years that I might as well have bashed them over the head with a tree. She was invited to my 40th birthday party, and came and never said 1 word to me.

5 My son is 21 - and quite able to tell her to speak to me herself lol.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 03/01/2012 13:40

What Quintessentially said. Put it into safe storage asap.

ModreB · 03/01/2012 13:42

I would never ever deny a member of the family access to the bible. I see that I am keepping it in trust for everyone IYSWIM.

Moth it is fascinating, there are lots of things in it other than the names, things between the pages, pressed flowers, cards, all sorts of stuff. It gives a real sense of connection to the past. I love it.

OP posts:
ModreB · 03/01/2012 13:43

Keeping even Grin

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 03/01/2012 13:46

I would put it in a safe deposit box at the bank anyway.

ViviPru · 03/01/2012 13:47

Wow it sounds amazing! Will you let me see it if I ask you in person OP?!

valiumredhead · 03/01/2012 13:47

I wouldn't let it out my sight personally!

mothmagnet · 03/01/2012 13:49

Wow, lovely to know it's connected to you all personally too. Some families are very good collectors.

I'm sure you'd not deny access, I'm sorry if I implied that.

ModreB · 03/01/2012 13:52

Vivi depends on your surname, it is an unusual family name lol.

Moth - no I didn't think that you implied that, I just wanted to make it clear that I would never try to block access, I just think that it would be polite for her to ask me in person.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2012 13:54

If you hold out for a personal request you're playing their silly game.

I definitely wouldn't let her have it but I'ld scan the pages and send them to her with a brief explanation that the bible is too precious to lend. Wish her good luck in her research, if you're feeling charitable Smile

FetchezLaVache · 03/01/2012 13:54

YANBU and I'm so glad you're not handing the bible over. MIL is the keeper of her family's bible, which will come to DH eventually, and I know how devastated they'd be if it got borrowed and not returned.

Sparklingbrook · 03/01/2012 13:55

Wish I had a family bible. Sad

ViviPru · 03/01/2012 13:55

Grin probably not. Agree with the others, YANBU

PigeonPair · 03/01/2012 13:56

I can't believe she accepted an invitation to your 40th and didn't speak to you!! What a cow!! I think she is testing you and agree with the others - keep the (very precious) bible in your care and wait until you hear from her personally (I doubt you will). If she does contact you, suggest she comes over and you look at it together without it having to leave the house.

mrsjay · 03/01/2012 13:58

what a strange lady her not you , I would wait till she asks you in person or maybe she can come over and look at the bible and take notes , i dont think she needs it at her house for the research ,

ModreB · 03/01/2012 13:59

limited I couldn't send them to her direct, I dont have her email address. I would have to send it to DS1 and have him send it on, and I don't want to drag him into the whole stupid game playing.

As far as the research goes, it's all been done already! All she needs to do is ask and I can get her a family tree that goes back to the 1600's!

As I said, it is an unusual surname. Everyone in the phone book in the UK with the same surname is a relative.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 03/01/2012 13:59

PS Even if she was lovely, YWNBU to refuse to lend her it- she has form for not returning things. I think the fact that she's been so weird towards you for the last couple of decades simply gives you a good excuse to say no. I think offering to scan pages is a perfect compromise, but be prepared for her to throw a tantrum and tell the rest of the family you denied her access to a family artefact out of spite.

CailinDana · 03/01/2012 13:59

I would pretend no one had said anything to me until she said it herself. I have some family members like that and I feign complete deafness to any second hand she said/he said information as I can't stand that bollocks and I won't play into it.

Sparklingbrook · 03/01/2012 13:59

Make her wear the white gloves like they do on 'Who do You Think you Are'.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2012 14:00

We've got a family bible too passed to my father by his mother. It's fascinating.

Because my mother hated his family she refused to let him write their marriage or our births in it but she still treasures it because it belonged to him Confused

Family feuds, eh?

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