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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect to be asked in person - sorry a bit long.

57 replies

ModreB · 03/01/2012 13:28

My family has a very old family bible, with the names of all my mothers family, dates of birth and death written in it. The oldest entry is dated 1807. This bible is in my posession, and it will eventually be given to my eldest son. It is a very precious family artifact and has been handed down to the eldest son/grandchild in each generation. I am the eldest grandchild in my generation.

My youngest uncle's wife, and her daughter, my cousin, for some unknown reason do not speak to me, ever. I have no idea what I have done to offend them, but it started with the mother when I had my DS2 - she just stopped speaking to me. This was over 19 years ago.

I never got to the bottom of it, and to be honest don't care. The cousin has told my other aunt that it is because of something I said to her - but I have no idea what I am supposed to have said and she declines to enlighten me. No other family members can recall anything that I might have said either. She does not speak to me to the extent that when greeted at family events, she will turn her back to me rather than acknowledge a "Hello".

She does have form for this, and has not spoken to her own sister for over 20 years.

Anyway, the cousin has asked my eldest son if she can take the family bible as she is doing some sort of family research. My son then asked me.

I have decided, after speaking to other family members, no, she can't take the bible, as I don't think that it will come back, (There is a history of things being taken and not returned) but that I will scan the relevant pages for her.

So, AIBU to think that if she wants me to scan the pages, she can ask me herself or am I being a petty cow?

OP posts:
Original poster
ModreB · 03/01/2012 14:01

Oh and we don't live near to each other - I am in the north west, they are in the south east.

OP posts:
Original poster
ModreB · 03/01/2012 14:05

fetchez I am not worried about that - they all know what she is like. Grin She could fall out with herself in an empty room TBH.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2012 14:05

No postal address either modreb? I'd probably pass it on to DS1 but then, that's me.

I completely understand why you want a polite request from her. And I certainly wouldn't let her get her mitts on it.

Original poster
ModreB · 03/01/2012 14:09

I thought that if I send it electronically, she can enlarge it and see it better - it is a bit faded and hard to read in places. I have already photocopied pages for her father - my uncle - about 5 years ago which I gave to him.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 03/01/2012 14:15

I think scanning and emailing the information to her is the best way to go but it would still be polite if she contacted you herself eh .

PercyFilth · 03/01/2012 14:15

I would just send her the scanned pages with a neutral but civil covering letter. Either get the email address from your son, or print them out and send them by post.

It is very frustrating when someone takes offence but refuses to discuss the reasons. Life is full of misunderstandings and it's stupid not to try and clear them up. I think it's important to remain civil to such people so that they never gain any justifications for their behaviour.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/01/2012 14:21

Agree with everyone else. Don't let it out of your keeping. I don't think I'd bother to try to build bridges with someone so fundamentally unreasonable tbh. If she can ignore you for 20 years over a perceived insult that she won't explain then I'd leave her to it. She doesn't sound like much of a loss. Scan and email, don't hold the info back, as you say, but that's it.

Wish we had a family bible :(

scottishmummy · 03/01/2012 14:32

such a precious old artefact,fascinating to have
scan it, or give her the photocopies but certainly no I wouldn't let it out my sight

Lueji · 03/01/2012 14:35

I don't think YABU and I would expect a personal request.
She doesn't have to ring you, a letter would suffice.

Or your son could scan the pages and send them directly to her.

BandOMothers · 03/01/2012 14:44

Gosh YANBU! It's a funny thing about family heirlooms...some people will do anything to get hol of them. My Father had a very lovely portrait of himself in his youth and y sister asked him when he was alive "Can I have that?" and he (being him) said "Of course!"

I was Angry as she grabbed it and felt it was something he should leave to someone after his death...so I told my Mum and she stpped my sister taking it..it's at Mums now but shes not looking after it and it's unframed and warped...I want to get it restored but Mum won't do it herself nor allow me to.

Sad Keep the Bible safe.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/01/2012 14:49

I think I would suggestthat the OP scans and emails the pages with a polite message - that way she will know that she has done the right thing and behaved in a decent, pleasant manner. This may lead the other woman to soften and accept this olive branch, or it may not. Either way the OP will have a clear conscience, and if the olive branch is rejected again, her relative will be shown up as being very petty.

spottyscarf · 03/01/2012 14:51

I would get your DS to tell her 'mum says if you email her at XXX she will scan the pages you need and send them to you'. Ball is totally in her court then!

spottyscarf · 03/01/2012 14:51

I would get your DS to tell her 'mum says if you email her at XXX she will scan the pages you need and send them to you'. Ball is totally in her court then!

randomness · 03/01/2012 14:56

Have I read it right, it's the mother who started the rift, and the daughter who wants to see the bible?

You say they both don't talk to you, could the cousin be afraid of alienating her (downright unreasonable-sounding) mother so she daren't speak to you herself?

YANBU for not letting it out of your keeping, but YABU and maybe a bit petty for refusing to even scan the pages unless she asks you herself (risking the wrath of her mother, who sounds like a bit of a loon.)

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/01/2012 15:01

Oh, wow, what a lovely thing to have!

I would scan the pages and send them as it is 'easier'. I'd also write a pointed, overly-sweet email about how lovely it is they got in touch and how nice it is to hear from them after such a long silence, and you do hope whatever it was that upset them is all ancient history now?

But I'm snide like that.

Original poster
ModreB · 03/01/2012 15:33

Randomness yes, it was the mother who started it. As I say, she has form for falling out with people for unknown reasons that she won't discuss. She also doesn't talk to my other uncle's wife, reason unknown. Apparently something was said one Xmas that she didn't like.

She speaks to my DH on sufferance, he makes a point of speaking to her at family events, more to wind her up than anything else. Yes, I know it's childish, but when we have get togethers she does come along, but just ignores certain people. The rest of my family don't want to rock the boat, as they don't want to give her a reason to alienate my uncle, her DH.

My cousin, her daughter used to speak to me until about 3 or 4 years ago, when she stopped. I don't know the reason why, she won't tell me.

My Nana was great with her, she used to say to her, "You look like you're sucking a lemon. Cheer up" Grin

She has a history of strange behaviour, when they used to come and visit my Nana she used to bring her own coffee, margerine, bread and tinned ham. And then only use what we already had, and take home her own stuff again, unopened and unused afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
ModreB · 03/01/2012 17:21

OK have sent a message via DS asking for email details to send scanned copies of relevant pages. Also said that I am happy for her to look at the bible when she is next here, but that it will not be allowed to be taken out of my home. Also said that if she wants any further info re family tree, let me know and I would be happy to send her what info I have.

Will now wait and see what happens. The ball is in her court.

OP posts:
randomness · 03/01/2012 18:34

Well done, you are the better person here!

:)

RabidEchidna · 03/01/2012 18:40

OP I think you have done the right thing

limitedperiodonly · 04/01/2012 10:02

Well done OP. I wonder whether this sudden interest in family research is an attempt to stoke the feud because it seems you've been ignoring them and spoiling their fun. I bet she doesn't even bother with the info now.

My sister's in-laws are like this. It's all driven by her MIL. I think it's the only way she feels important and loved.

It stretches back so far and involves so many people. There's always new offence to be taken and different people in the family to scapegoat - sometimes they're in and then they're out in the cold and the whole family ignores them for months or years.

It only works if you've got a big family. They must have spreadsheets of who's ignoring whom and why just in case they make the fatal error of sending a birthday card to the current family pariah.

If it was a tiny family like mine or DH's it would sputter out. Not that we'd do it anyway.

My sister and her DH try to stay out of it but it's hard unless they want to cut off all contact. They were excluded once for a year or so. I ask her why people go along with it and she says that if you don't you're cold-shouldered. Sounds like a good deal to me.

limitedperiodonly · 04/01/2012 10:04

The family parties with tinned ham and margarine sound fun. I can't understand why you won't want to see them more often Grin

Original poster
ModreB · 20/03/2012 21:22

Ok, sorry to resurrect (sp) an old thread, but the uncle has now rung my DM telling her that "Cousin is demanding the Bible and "the old suitcase".

For info, the suitcase belonged to my grandfather, who DCos never knew as he died before she was born, and contains all his Army records, Army photo's, badges and letters to my GM during WW2. It was given to me by my Grandmother before she died.

I have scanned and sent copies of the entries on the Bible pages, I have sent them in the right direction towards resources that have much more info than I have, and have said that they can come to my house and look at the originals at any time.

How dare they now put pressure on my DM when she is stressed and upset. She only rang my Uncle because my (other) Aunt, who my DM is the carer for and lives with is very ill, in hospital and unlikely to live for much longer. Angry

And they have still not had the common courtesy to speak to me in person.

OP posts:
wilmot · 20/03/2012 21:29

Your poor Mum Sad

Can you speak directly to your Uncle and explain that the Bible and suitcase are under your keeping. I think you have been more than fair so far.
Would usually say to ignore, except your Mum is now getting flack.
Do you think they would have said anything if she hadn't happened to ring your Uncle? (not that she did anything wrong btw)

Clytaemnestra · 20/03/2012 21:42

I think the best way to handle it may well be just to say no. No explanations or accusations. Send an email to them which says "I've received your request for my bible and suitcase. The answer is no, I will not be parting with them under any circumstances."

And literally leave it at that. It's really hard to argue with a plain no, they haven't got as many comebacks. It's also harder for them to involve other famly members. Hopefully they will back off then.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 20/03/2012 21:45

How rude of them all.

I am sorry about your Aunt and very sorry that your Mother has been dragged into their rude demands at such an upsetting time for her.

They can demand all they like but you are under no obligation to give them anything they ask for.

I think you've already done plenty by offering to scan everything and inviting them into your home, especially since they can't even bring themselves to speak to you.

I suspect that the reason for this latest demand is because they know they can't visit your house and refuse to speak to you while they are in it. Or perhaps they would feel more than able to do that to you but they know the rest of the family will think badly of them for it.