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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask for 'stuff' back?....

30 replies

cozietoesie · 03/01/2012 07:49

STBXH and I sorted the money but the property was left a tad ill-defined and a matter of 'goodwill'. Now, I find that he's been right through the house and taken anything he fancied.

I was quite careful to ensure that anything he received as a present (from me or anyone) was his and packed in boxes for him - and likewise presents from his side of the family and friends. Some of the two above were very tasty and quite valuable but so be it, I thought. They were 'his'.

But he's been in here and taken presents to me from my father and mother, antiques I bought over the years - basically, if he liked it, it's gone.

My DB has been magnificent - he grabs me and mutters ' It's only 'stuff', Sis'. And he's right. I know he's right. But I'm still so rankled and angry I could spit. Presents from my Dad and Mom (both since departed) matter to me.

Should I just leave it or give him a shot across the bows with the 4 page (and growing) list. The money value is not an issue. I'm just so pissed with him.

I'd welcome advice.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 03/01/2012 07:55

YANBU he is being a twunt, which is why he is EX I expect.

I think this is a power thing and it will give him great pleasure denying you things and refusin to give them back. Best time to ask him is when he is being all sweetness and light about something he wants.

Sorry, it is is a pain, and you brother is probably right. Doesn't make it feel better though

SoupDragon · 03/01/2012 07:56

Forget the list and just ask for your things back, described generally as "presents to me from my parents"

SoupDragon · 03/01/2012 07:57

Or tell him you think you've been burgled as X Y and Z are missing and you are contacting the police.

pinkappleby · 03/01/2012 07:57

I know it might not be worth it in the long run but I'd struggle not to demand he give it all back.

pinkappleby · 03/01/2012 08:01

Actually, you should probably start again on the division of stuff.

Personal gifts should belong to that person.

If you bought antiques whilst married I suspect they will be considered joint assets to be agreed on division or the other person compensated? The same might apply to any presents given to you as a couple rather than just from a particular side of the family.

Icelollycraving · 03/01/2012 08:03

Poor you :(
I think it depends on how bad the relationship is now, how badly you want shot etc. I would have to say 'You appear to have taken items that belong to me from my parents. Return them asap' Things you bought when you were together I'd let go if you can.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 08:07

tell him exactly what you told us - that you carefully made sure that anything given to him as a gift was his but he hasn't done the same for you and you are upset that he has even taken things that were gifts to you from your departed parents and state that we need to start again on a plan of how to divide things as clearly this hasn't worked.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 08:08

and add the ever useful phrase along the lines of clearly i would prefer that we could sort this out amicably between ourselves without having to involve third parties.

it isn't a threat but it makes clear we do it nicely or we get lawyers dickwad but we do do it.

Original poster
cozietoesie · 03/01/2012 08:10

pink - et al

It's difficult. I was the sole breadwinner so any items I bought, I considered mine. That might have been wrong. Probably was wrong but when your OH won't get a job.......I mean when he simply won't.

I'm just so pissed that he acquired personal presents/acquisitions. (I confess that I hid when he came round - didn't want to get yelled at/have things thrown at me and DB just didn't know the score.)

Oh Lordy. I thank goodness that I'm now free - I just wish I had the stuff that he took.

OP posts:
Original poster
cozietoesie · 03/01/2012 08:13

Santa

I'm sorry. I tried that. It didn't work. I try my best to act with honour always. He didn't. So you're stymied.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 08:23

back to the lawyer then?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 08:23

honestly i think it will vaguely piss you offf for the rest of your life that he has those precious things.

MissMogwi · 03/01/2012 08:27

I'd ask him for the items back in an email, especially if he's the type to try and talk over you or twist things( I'm not saying he is, but my XP was). Maybe give him a date to return them or you will involve 'third parties'.

You shouldn't have to let it go but in the end I did. I had to, otherwise it gave him more 'power' over me. In my case he took nearly everything; the dryer, the furniture, the suite, sky box, to name a few. bastard

But obviously these are not sentimental things, so I understand why you want to get yours back.

Original poster
cozietoesie · 03/01/2012 08:31

My DB is helping me cope. Yes it will likely vaguely piss me off but I'm trying to deal with them. You die alone and with nothing. (Other than the testamentary disposition!) so let it all be.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 08:33

or you could die still lying their thinking that bastard has got my mother's 'x' Grin

Original poster
cozietoesie · 03/01/2012 08:37

You have a point !

OP posts:
Original poster
cozietoesie · 03/01/2012 08:48

I guess I just wanted to 'do things' civilly. Seems that civility, courtesy and honour are no longer common currency. I still can't bring myself to demand the 'stuff ' back though.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 08:53

watch it now!!! not common currency or not part of HIS currency? don't let this twat embitter you.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 08:54

oops should have put a smiley or something to be clear i wasn't being stern or preachy! seriously though this is 'HIM' not the world or relationships or anything universal. one thieving, dishonourable little man.

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 03/01/2012 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carabos · 03/01/2012 09:01

ExH and I had a list drawn up and agreed by our lawyers as to who was getting what. When I went back to the former marital home, list in hand, to collect what was mine it was all gone. Everything that was meant to come to me, which included stuff I owned before we were married, like books and records, had been sold or binned.
Don't let him get away with it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/01/2012 09:04

I'm with santa on this one - I think you will regret it.

It's not as if you are demanding stuff for the sake of it - these were presents.

You can be civil and courteous while demanding he return them - if you treat it as a mistake, he may do the same. You could ask him if he thinks you've taken anything in error, that might explain his actions?

Speaking as someone who ended up a few thousand down after a year living with my ex, yes, I at the time I thought it was so important to be the bigger person and yes, it still rankles with me. And that's only money, not gifts I was given!

pinkappleby · 03/01/2012 12:15

He sounds a loser. I still think you should try and get the sentimental things back off him. What do you think will happen if you ask? Do you think he just fancied those items or that he took them to piss you off? Did he know that you had already been through the stuff and regarded the sorting as done?

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 03/01/2012 12:21

There's no point in trying to act courteously, honourably etc, as those concepts mean nothing to him. His nicking your stuff shows that.
So rising above it will have the sole effect of leaving you miserable and missing things that mean a lot to you.
Ask for them.
Or better still get your lawyer to ask for them.

Flisspaps · 03/01/2012 12:28

I would get the solicitor to write to him stating that you want X, Y and Z returned. Even if you never get them back, you'll know that at least you didn't let him have things that had sentimental value to you go without a fight.

He's taken them because he knows it will hurt to take away the things your late parents gave you, not necessarily because he likes or wants them.

No point in trying to be the nice guy and act with courtesy - he's using that to do as he pleases.