Unauthorised use of credit card

[DMAGA]

My children are now relatively grown up now, aged 19, 17 and 13, but their former nanny still helps out part time with school runs etc. I have previously allowed her to use my credit card to buy petrol, groceries, items for the chiildren etc. Yesterday she told me that she had used my credit card to pay for an electricity bill and some food and was sorry, but she did not think that I would mind and would pay me back. Her grown up son has just moved back in with her and she said it was because of the expense of keeping him and the cost of Christmas.
I am not sure how to respond to this. It was New Year and I had relations over and it wasn't an appropriate time to have a long discussion, so I just said to keep the credit card in the drawer and not to do it again. However, AIBU to feel uneasy about the situation and worry about any ongoing relationship?

Agree with pigletmania's posts. I have to trust people who are in my home and with my kids and this would be it for me.

I know a number of people who give credit cards to their nannies and I thought that this was the norm until I looked into the implications of it and decided that it was just a very silly thing to do. Having subsequently been the victim of identity theft (thank you dvla/royal mail ), I feel even sillier now that I was even considering it as would have made the explanaitions to the bank more akward.

I give my nanny £200 at the beginning of the month and she tells me if she needs more. She gets receipts for everything and has an expenses book which I barely glance at but at least I know there is an "accountable" system in place.

Incidents such as these are very rarely a one-off, in my experience, tending rather to form part of a pattern of dishonest behaviour. I would second the advice already given, namely, to go over your previous cc statements very carefully. It does sound as though funds have probably been surreptitiously syphoned off for some time, especially wrt the horses. Under the circumstances, I would also feel very wary about letting her house-sit when you go away at Easter. It does sound like a very difficult situation, especially if she is close to your children.

Agree with cornflowers, this is unlikely to be the first and only occurrence. Maybe she has paid some back before now somehow but suspect it has been little by little over time in increasing amounts. Something has forced her to face up this time, perhaps guilt or perhaps she has been caught out, or thought she had been.

I think the nanny/employer relationship can be very tricky.

The nanny, in many ways, knows more about you/your family than your friends and relatives. They see who is sick, who is struggling at school, who the children's friends are, what the daily routines are, when there is tension between husband and wife, what the household routines/expenditures are, the small and big triumphs, etc.

It is a very intimate relationship, as this person is in your house and around your family for hours each day, every week/every month. I'm sure it will have been easy to slip into easy camaradie as you laugh together at something funny that a child said, to vent about something that happened, etc. - much the way you would with a friend.

Multiply that sort if intimacy/familiarity by 8 years, and the boundaries can get very blurry.

OP - it is a real shame that your kindness and generosity has been abused. If you decide to move forward with the nanny after a serious chat, I think you both need to remember that it is an employer/employee relationship. By all means, be generous (if you feel so inclined), but do not be a mug. Too bad that you even have to think about that now...and I hope the nanny realises the big and small lines she has crossed and is anxious to mend her ways.

tbh, i think that she should have asked you first and if you had said that it was okay, fair enough, but she didnt. She has obviously owned up to it and let you know about it, where she could have not mentioned it until the bill came in. She has said she will pay you back in full and as long as it doesnt happen again i think you should let sleeping dogs lie. If it happens again thats a different matter entirely.

Thank you very much for your replies. Again, Earlybird has absolutely summed up the situation 100% accurately. I think that some clearer boundaries need to be set and also that I need to keep a much closer watch on finances. I blame myself in part but, as Earlybird says, nannies know your family intimately - and I do trust her with my children - positions become blurred and it is sometimes easy to forget that ultimately this is an employer/employee relationship. I hope it can still work out but will have to see how it goes. I have not told my husband yet, but suspect he will go along with me as he has a lot of time for her and it would be quite sad to end a long standing relationship on a sour note. I certainly have no intention of involving the police as some posters have suggested, but I don't think even if it continues, it will ever be the same - maybe that's no bad thing in the circumstances.

I have now advised my card issuer and they will be sending a new card so the old one can't be used.

But are you really sure you can trust this woman again?(and let's not forget this is an older woman...not a 16 year old first jobber).

You are going to still allow her to house sit for you at Easter?

Not sure why you feel the need to cling onto her...or why you feel that you still owe her employment. Most people value highly positions of trust and respect and don't abuse that...
This one has shown (on not just one isolated incident) that she is not wholly trustworthy....so I'm not sure why you are keeping her on....especially as you don't seem to need her.

I don't think I could do that.

She needs to get a new full time job. It's as simple as that. You may well need school runs doing, and you can keep her for that if you want, but I'm telling you, you could get a childminder to do that cheaper. And as for the horses, there are a million horsey girls who drive who will look after your horses AND do the school runs if needs be cheaper. Get an au pair if you have room. A 50 year old woman who has yet to learn to balance her finances is a big risk to expose to the intimacies of your family. And it sounds like you are also supporting her son to boot!

I think you need to go over your finances really carefully,i dont think its just this instance.She probably owned up cause it was something you would notice.
Its terrible its come to this but she has done it ,no one to blame but herself.I wouldnt be able to trust her now,but its up to you.

Yes, I am going to go through some of my old credit card statements to see if there is anything else which I need to be concerned about.