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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unauthorised use of credit card

62 replies

DMAGA · 03/01/2012 06:09

My children are now relatively grown up now, aged 19, 17 and 13, but their former nanny still helps out part time with school runs etc. I have previously allowed her to use my credit card to buy petrol, groceries, items for the chiildren etc. Yesterday she told me that she had used my credit card to pay for an electricity bill and some food and was sorry, but she did not think that I would mind and would pay me back. Her grown up son has just moved back in with her and she said it was because of the expense of keeping him and the cost of Christmas.
I am not sure how to respond to this. It was New Year and I had relations over and it wasn't an appropriate time to have a long discussion, so I just said to keep the credit card in the drawer and not to do it again. However, AIBU to feel uneasy about the situation and worry about any ongoing relationship?

OP posts:
catsareevil · 03/01/2012 09:28

It sounds like you urgently need to audit 'your' expenditure, particularly on horse related spending.
This woman sounds like a nightmare. Someone new might be an unknown quantity, but at least you could start with clear boundaries.

maddening · 03/01/2012 11:12

if she went out and maxed your card out then you would be fully liable as sharing your credit card is seen as negligent - definitely stop her usage witn immediate effect.

It is worth looking out for a replacement as she sounds untrustworthy

Lueji · 03/01/2012 11:20

Get the money back asap, change the pin on the card and sack her. Agree on no compensation and you won't go to the police.

At best, remove all access to money, and give her a probation period.

Surely she could have asked you to lend her the money.

sausagesandmarmelade · 03/01/2012 11:26

Fully agree re the 'negligent' comment.

I don't think any bank would deem sharing a credit card as highly irresponsible.....unless it is a joint user account.

Let's make it quite clear....anyone who uses another persons card without prior authorisation is guilty of theft....whatever their so-called intentions (and of course we have no idea whether the OPs employee intended to pay her back...or just had a pang of guilt after the event).

sausagesandmarmelade · 03/01/2012 11:27

Oops.....that should read

"I think any bank would deem sharing a credit card as highly irresponsible"

They could refuse you a credit card on that basis alone

AlpinePony · 03/01/2012 11:29

The more you tell us, the murkier it appears. :( without wanting a big row, it sounds that with employment, pension and payment in kind (stables) she's clearing 2k a month tax-free.

If you want to nip over to "The Tack Room" we could help you establish what your baseline costs should be for your 3 horses. Because as you explain it, I wouldn't be surprised if you're paying for her horse worker (and god knows what else), which would be 30 every 8 weeks. I know 30 quid isn't the end of the world, but that could just be the tip of this metaphorical iceberg. The whole insurance thing sounds dodge too.

Whilst she's invariably an enormous help looking after the horses, you could find someone in a heartbeat who's perhaps a little more 'transparent' wrt expenses.

DMAGA · 03/01/2012 11:30

Yes, i do take your point. The amount of money involved is small in the scheme of things, but there is a credit facility of £10k on the account so potentially it could be very serious and I know that a Bank would say it was my fault for revealing my PIN. I am not going to get the police involved but I am giving serious consideration as to whether or not the relationship can continue.

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 03/01/2012 11:31

you could find someone in a heartbeat who's perhaps a little more 'transparent' wrt expenses.

So true...especially with so many out of work these days. Many honest people would be very grateful for the opportunity.

pigletmania · 03/01/2012 11:37

You were mad giving her your credit card and PIN in the first place, it would have been best to open an account and put a certain amount in there for petrol, groceries etc, and top it up if and when needed. Surely your 17 and 19 year old do not need a nanny to ferry them about, I used to get about independently at that age!

I would change your account basically, get a totally brand new one, and give her notice to leave, and a time period in which she should pay you back. As you said you don't really need her anyway. For someone who is so short of money, how can she afford horses, they are a big expense Hmm.

pigletmania · 03/01/2012 11:38

Its not the amount of money, but the fact she stole from you and cannot be trusted! Its the principles imho.

Earlybird · 03/01/2012 11:51

Hmm, tricky one.

Based on your description of nanny, length of service, type of relationship with family, etc., I'd say that she is very comfortable and has gradually taken liberties which slowly have become more serious and/or questionable.

She has been dependable and reliable and has essentially been an extended part of the family. The lines have gradually blurred, and now she has overstepped the mark in a big way.

I doubt she should be classified as an untrustworthy thief - as evidenced by the fact that she came to you straight away and told you about the use of the credit card. I suspect if she had asked you for a short term loan, you would have agreed. But she was very wrong to simply take without asking.

It sounds as if there is a good bit of money sloshing around (full time nanny, holidays, horses, etc) so I suspect pennies are not pinched or accounted for in any great detail in your household. She probably is using your horse feed for her animals - so while not overtly stealing, is not being scrupulous about what you are paying for vs what she is paying for (or should be). And until now, it hasn't been too much of an issue. She has gradually got too comfortable, taken too many liberties (too many times), and now has gone much much too far.

Think you don't need to let her go, but do need to sit down and have a very serious conversation. Give her a warning. Tell her she's seriously shaken your trust in her, and let her know exactly what is/isn't acceptable (as obvious as it may seem).

You can decide how you want to handle money with her in future - kitty money (with receipts - even if you don't check them she will be accountable), a pre-paid credit card (again, with receipts), or if you wish to continue letting her use your card.

It is one thing to be generous because you can be (and want to be), but quite another to be taken advantage of. No one likes that, and it is unacceptable. What she has done would be a sackable offense if she was newly employed and didn't have a long (and positive) track record.

DMAGA · 03/01/2012 12:29

Earlybird, you are spot on in your analysis of the situation. I have not checked up on expenditure and only given credit card statements a cursory glance until recently when i did say that I would need receipts in future and made it clear that i would be checking things - although I said this within the context of keeping a tighter check generally rather than not trusting her.

We have been generous to her over the years - I recently took her on the Orient Express for a day trip as a Christmas present. That's why i feel hurt about it. i can see that the boundaries have become blurred but surely she must know that it is wrong to use my credit card without permission and she should not have lied to me about the ownership of the horse.

Yes, I would have made her a short term loan, but my concern is that this may not be a one-off and i don't really know if i can trust her any more. I agree that a serious talk is needed.

OP posts:
MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 03/01/2012 12:58

DMAGA - Perhaps make sure that you pay for the ALL horse feed, inclusing hers, yourself, including the ordering of it and ask her to then pay, directly to you, her fair share. Tell her you have no problem ordering the separate feed for the other horse and she can then repay you in full, within a set number of days.

It does sound as though she's followed your lead for loose monetary policy and you might just have to give her a while to adjust to the new order.
Just as duck houses and cynical house flipping were viewed as perks of the job of an MP, perhaps equine B&B was viewed as a perk of her job.

Good luck.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 03/01/2012 13:05

She lies and steals.

And you are worried that you may not find a new person who is as reliable?

as reliable ?????

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 03/01/2012 13:09

There was a case like this in Wales a few months ago. A nanny used the family's credit card to fund her own lifestyle, claiming that she was owed the extra money.

You need to go through your accounts I'm afraid. I'd then go to the police, depending on what you find on the statements. She could have been doing this for years and £30 here and there mounts up. I expect that she's 'come clean' because you're asking her questions about the horses so she thinks that you're on to her. It's a damage limitation exercise for her and she's hoping that you won't feel the need to delve into your accounts any more.

You must feel very betrayed, I'm so very sorry. Sad

FabbyChic · 03/01/2012 13:11

Why do you NEED her? Your children are old enough to get to and from school on public transport, you could pay for cabs for the amount you pay her.

Your children are more than capable of looking after themselves totally alone in the house they are not babies.

RealityNeedsANamechange · 03/01/2012 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoultryInMotion · 03/01/2012 13:19

£200 a week for school runs??

Can I be your nanny? Grin I promise I wont use your CC!

I'll even skip out the horses every day!

RealityNeedsANamechange · 03/01/2012 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 03/01/2012 13:26

As far as can be she broke the trust when she stole that money, whether she admitted it straight away or not,thats not the point, she should have asked you for a loan if she was so hard up.

PoultryInMotion · 03/01/2012 13:27

but I'm CRB checked and will even throw in a free foot rub!

QuintessentiallyShallow · 03/01/2012 13:28

How do a 13 year old need to be taken on the school run by a nanny?

Hassled · 03/01/2012 13:28

I can see that you've relied on her and are generally comfortable with her - she's part of the extended family at this stage. And because of the history, I think you're failing to see that she really is taking the piss. The £200 is a ridiculous amount for what she does. I don't think you're seeing the wood for the trees here.

That said, your DCs know/like her, it's always easier to stick with the status quo especially if you're working FT and are busy so I can see why you might want to just suck it up and carry on. But please be careful.

Adversecamber · 03/01/2012 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2012 13:29

Fabby-it's up to the OP to decide if she needs help with the running of her home and her children, either way it provides employment.

This isn't any different than mis-appropriating funds.

You need to order a new card because when you pay on-line it automatically asks you if you want to pay with a card used previously, so she may have the details stored.

It is up to you how you deal with it. Seeing as she is a long standing employee, i would just give her a time scale to pay it back and reiterate your employer/employee bounderies.