Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

not to invite family for Xmas day next year?

39 replies

SecretMinceRinser · 02/01/2012 23:55

Before the dc we used to go to either mine or dh's parents but since the dc we have had them come here. Every year since the first year we started hosting my mum and dad now just book Christmas week in a hotel (they live an hour away and we have no spare room) without us even inviting them and assume dh will run them to and from their hotel (about 20 mins from our house) every day (even after he finished work at 1am on Boxing Day) and back home at the end of their stay.
PILs have been to us a couple of Xmas's and been to their daughters one year and spent this year with friends. When they are here they are very distant and unfriendly and don't really talk even when spoken to and just put a bit of a dampener on things.
This year DM and DF spent the whole day each day they were here on the sofa, ignoring the children, doing crosswords and nodding off. I am not exaggerating - the only time they got up was to use the toilet or for my dad to smoke. They have no disabilties and the only reason they spent most of the day sleeping is because by their own admission they were up all night watching tv every night at their hotel. This wouldn't bother me but because they wanted to be asleep/doing crosswords my dc, who are nearly 2 and 4, were treated like an inconvenience. My nearly 2 year old was regularly scowled at for waking grandad by bumping his leg for example and dd was regularly told to shush as they were concentrating on their crosswords. I did tell them they were welcome to take the crossword book to the hotel with them to do in the evening so they could play with the children but it fell on deaf ears. I also asked if they wanted dh to take them back a bit earlier for an early night but they also declined that offer.
My mum sees the children for a couple of hours every week but df has only seen them a few times all year (his choice as he works and has other things to do at weekends). I guess I just expected that he would want to spend time with the kids rather than ignore them or sleep.
Added to this my mum becomes extremely argumentative when she spends more than a few days with anyone. This happens all the time and after about 3 days she is like a ticking bomb ready to explode and the atmosphere is unbearable.
So AIBU to have Christmas Day just the 4 of us next year and invite the gps over for a day sometime before/after Xmas?

OP posts:

GingerSnapsBack · 03/01/2012 00:07

Yadnbu. This is exactly what we did this year (although we usually go to ils) because we were sick of running Christmas to mils schedule and it has been great! Ils went to other family for a couple weeks instead and everyone was happy. Just because they are family don't feel like you have to have them. Imo Christmas is about the children so of they aren't into that they should make other plans surely. It's not like you're suggesting that you don't see them at all.

ViviPru · 03/01/2012 00:09

OP forgive me for not reading your post, for the first time ever I'm replying on the basis of the thread title alone.

YANBU.

Angelswings · 03/01/2012 00:11

Book yourselves into a Hotel next year....

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 00:11

well, YANBU to decide not have them next yr

but you would BU to cave to pressure next december, which is what often happens

sassyminder · 03/01/2012 00:14

Have they over for a day or two a weekend before Xmas and enjoy a lovely xmas eve, day and boxing day with your dh and dc whitout your parents or pils!!

Original poster

SecretMinceRinser · 03/01/2012 00:15

Vivipru that reply has made my night!

So as not to be accused of drip feeding when I get the inevitable yabus there are other things which are behind my wanting to spend xmas alone with dh and the kids.
My mum irritates the hell out of me by the fact that she will not move! I don't expect her to cook or get drinks or anything but she will hold onto a plate for an hour or more after she has a mince pie until me or dh are passing then she holds it out for us without a word!
They are not horrible people but I just want Christmas Day to be spent with people I can enjoy tolerate the company of.

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretMinceRinser · 03/01/2012 00:16

Also considering my parents will invite themselves what is the best way to tell them they aren't wanted in a nice way?

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 00:18

they will be back

Original poster

SecretMinceRinser · 03/01/2012 00:21

Don't say that AnyFucker!
Well even if they do book the hotel they won't come to the house if dh doesn't get them as there are no buses on BH and they are too tight to pay a cab
So we just have to unplug the phone!

OP posts:

ViviPru · 03/01/2012 00:25

You are welcome. I have now read your OP and you are still NBU.

I think there is no way of telling them the truth in a nice way. Its a cop-out, but I think you just need to decide on a credible lie based on the truth. They don't sound particularly emotionally astute, so I can't imagine this approach being too problematic.

And as AF says, remember this feeling next December when you feel your resolve softening!

GingerSnapsBack · 03/01/2012 00:29

I would casually ask a few months before Dec "so what are your plans for Christmas this year?" And mention you're planning a quiet one with "just the kids". Then ever so lightly suggest that you won't be doing anything on xxx day and wouldn't it be lovely to have them round for a couple days (I would suggest after Christmas if you expect they might invite themselves to stay for longer than suggested). If they don't take the hint then have an awful bout of something wicked just as they arrive so they couldn't possibly stay :o

MichaelaS · 03/01/2012 00:32

YANBU absolutely definitely!

Can you have an honest conversation about expectations? Maybe they don't even want to come but feel they ought to? Might be easier if they understood that you are unhappy with their behaviour but would be happy to have them if they fitted in with their grandchildren and didn't act like lazy bastards? :)

suburbophobe · 03/01/2012 00:33

They sound - ahem - quite hard work.

Why bother having them around if they don't add to the atmosphere by engaging in the family?

For me Christmas is a fun, love-filled time spent with family/friends who enjoy each other's company now - I did the obligatory one for years -sigh-

Make any excuse next year, in fact I think it would be good for your DCs not to have such an indifferent GPs' atmosphere.

I did find it hard to read your post cos there's no paragraphs...

Original poster

SecretMinceRinser · 03/01/2012 00:36

Sorry about the paragraphs I was getting semi enraged as I was typing!
I think they do want to come. And don't realise their behaviour is less than ideal.
If I ask them what they are thinking of doing for Christmas they will definitely say 'coming to you'!

OP posts:

twoistwicesfestive · 03/01/2012 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasENormaSnob · 03/01/2012 13:27

Yanbu

HedgeHop · 03/01/2012 13:29

'Family is all that matters'. Shoots self.

CrotchFlakes · 03/01/2012 13:32

Tell them you are going to PILs this year.

Then don't.

PigeonPair · 03/01/2012 13:36

A friend said they are careful not to do the same thing more than one or two years running at Christmas. Otherwise it becomes "a tradition" that is hard to break out of. A great piece of advice I thougt .

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 03/01/2012 13:39

Talk to them well in advance of the point when they might book a hotel. Say "we're not hosting Christmas this year, we're just going to have a quiet time with the children. But we'd still like to see you - perhaps we can visit you for the day on xxx day". I'd choose the weekend before Christmas cos then it's done with and you can forget about them over Christmas .

Plan your words and be very very definite about it. As you say, you can't ask them what they are thinking of doing. You're going to have to be thick-skinned. When they say "oh but we wanted to come to you again", don't get caught up with apologies, excuses or reasons. Just say "no, we're not inviting you. Now, would you like us to visit you one day before Christmas?"

Hassled · 03/01/2012 13:40

This year was the first time in a decade that we haven't had anyone staying - and it was just SO MUCH nicer and so much more relaxed. I am never going back - this is my Christmas Future now. YANBU but good luck when you break the news to them :o.

ViviPru · 03/01/2012 13:41

Tell them sorry but you're rinsing your mince that day

QuintessentiallyShallow · 03/01/2012 13:45

Dont ask them what they are doing.

Tell them you are planning to go away over Christmas, so they should make alternative arrangements next Christmas.

neshnosher · 03/01/2012 13:46

We're booking a hotel in the city next year for xmas and new years.
No stress and waited on hand and foot.
:)

CailinDana · 03/01/2012 13:56

Start getting the message across to them now that they won't be coming to you this year, by mentioning it at least once a month. I think in your position I would say to your mother "I'm so sorry you didn't seem to enjoy Christmas with us this year, but not to worry, DH says that he's not too keen on all the driving back and forth so this year we think we'll have a quiet one, just us. That way you and dad can do your crosswords in peace without the kids disturbing you and DH can relax on his Christmas holidays. Everyone wins." Make it very clear that they are absolutely not coming to yours. They sound really awful to be honest. How mean of them to be so hard on your little children over Christmas!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread