not to invite family for Xmas day next year?

[SecretMinceRinser]

Before the dc we used to go to either mine or dh's parents but since the dc we have had them come here. Every year since the first year we started hosting my mum and dad now just book Christmas week in a hotel (they live an hour away and we have no spare room) without us even inviting them and assume dh will run them to and from their hotel (about 20 mins from our house) every day (even after he finished work at 1am on Boxing Day) and back home at the end of their stay.
PILs have been to us a couple of Xmas's and been to their daughters one year and spent this year with friends. When they are here they are very distant and unfriendly and don't really talk even when spoken to and just put a bit of a dampener on things.
This year DM and DF spent the whole day each day they were here on the sofa, ignoring the children, doing crosswords and nodding off. I am not exaggerating - the only time they got up was to use the toilet or for my dad to smoke. They have no disabilties and the only reason they spent most of the day sleeping is because by their own admission they were up all night watching tv every night at their hotel. This wouldn't bother me but because they wanted to be asleep/doing crosswords my dc, who are nearly 2 and 4, were treated like an inconvenience. My nearly 2 year old was regularly scowled at for waking grandad by bumping his leg for example and dd was regularly told to shush as they were concentrating on their crosswords. I did tell them they were welcome to take the crossword book to the hotel with them to do in the evening so they could play with the children but it fell on deaf ears. I also asked if they wanted dh to take them back a bit earlier for an early night but they also declined that offer.
My mum sees the children for a couple of hours every week but df has only seen them a few times all year (his choice as he works and has other things to do at weekends). I guess I just expected that he would want to spend time with the kids rather than ignore them or sleep.
Added to this my mum becomes extremely argumentative when she spends more than a few days with anyone. This happens all the time and after about 3 days she is like a ticking bomb ready to explode and the atmosphere is unbearable.
So AIBU to have Christmas Day just the 4 of us next year and invite the gps over for a day sometime before/after Xmas?

We had Christmas day just the three of us then the whole family piled over on Boxing Day. It was really, really hard work and sadly I didn't enjoy any of it, didn't talk to any of them, just served drinks, cooked and served dinner, served more drinks, tidied up, childminded (three kids - only one them my own) etc. My partner did as much as he could but neither of us really spoke to my family as we were so busy. We will probably go there Boxing Day next year. I really, really enjoyed Christmas day though, just the three of us, it was bliss just watching our LO opening presents an playing with new toys all day, a lunch time walk, then a late lunch at 3pm with Xmas lights on when I was getting dark outside. Wonderful. I think you should be able to tell your extended family that you want to spend that day with just your immediate family - it's your special time too, not just theirs. If you can't tell them that then yes, go away on holiday (to somewhere too small to get them all in)!

Pigeonpair that's what we do. Alway do something different each Xmas that way noone expects anything and we can decide each year what to do.
This year we stayed home and my sister and nephew came to us
Last year we stayed in a holiday let near Dhs mum etc,
Year before we stayed home but went to a good friends parents for the actual day, year before we went and stayed at my NAND and had Xmas with my family, year before that we stayed home as fil didn't go on his annual trip to Thailand so he came over for Xmas, year. Score we stayed with mil, year before we stayed with Dhs aunt etc
Means we can take each year on his own merit and decide on whats best due to ages of kids/ finances/ other people's plans. Means we don't disappoint people as. Line expects us to spend Xmas with them

If, no matter what strategems you use, they still come then I suggest giving your children massive amounts of whatever makes them hyper, inviting over a load of people - every day parents are there - and making it noisy and bustling and utterly unrestful. Ensure they are never left alone in the sitting room but are constantly surrounded by noisy out of control children. When your mum has finished her mince pie, give her your plate and ask her to take them both out to the kitchen, etc etc etc.

I'm not being mean, but all you'd be doing was expecting them to actually engage with their family. If they don't want to then they shouldn't be there. I think you need to remind them what family life is like. You never know, they might really enjoy it.

If you can afford it, book somewhere away this Xmas coming (snowy is good - Eastern/Central Europe is snowy and not too expensive) and trill that you want the kids to experience a snowy Xmas, just the 4 of you, won't it be lovely. Then they can't apply the pressure come December.

YANBU at all. I put my foot down after a meltdown last year and this was bliss - me, DH and sprog. Pyjamas all day and no fighting.

I like the idea of mentioning it monthly. I think I would have to be that unsubtle tbh.
SugarPaste - it's funny you should say that about a hotel because when we had ds so no longer had a spare room my mum said that she would prefer staying in a hotel when she visited because you get everything done for you. I was and as short of having me or dh wipe her arse for her she gets everything done for her here!
It's not just plates we get shoved at us either it's manky tissues, cups and bits of random rubbish too.
Also did I mention that she is the messiest eater ever and covers herself, not in crumbs, but in massive chunks of whatever she is eating. Not a problem you might think. But instead of cleaning herself up and putting the remnants of her mince pie or whatever in the bin she brushes them onto the carpet saying 'I know you don't mind having food on your floor cos ds can be messy'. It was all I could do to stop myself saying 'well actually I do mind which is why I clean up after him - like I will have to clean up after you. And he is 1 year old not fifty-fucking-nine!!!!!!'.

And breathe

YANBU definately. DH and I were so exhausted by having family over this Christmas and then following our usual tradition of going to ILs on Boxing day (for the 23rd time - I counted). It actually makes me feel really sad that we were just too knackered to enjoy Christmas Day, as we'd put so much energy into organising a special day for the DCs, and choosing them them gifts that we knew they would love and appreciate. We had a lovely morning getting up, tip-toeing downstairs to see what FC had left and then opening gifts and having breakfast, and then we had to break the spell to get out of our PJs, get the oven on and start hosting family. I know my MIL will take major offence if she is NFI next Christmas. I just don't think she'll understand our need to have that one special day to ourselves.

Oh for god's sake, that is insupportable. Tell her you're not her skivvy. Stop pandering to them. Do they behave like this in other people's homes? If someone tried to shove a manky hanky at me I'd make no bones about my --disgust surprise and shock and firmly point to the bin.

Treat them like you'd treat any other adult visiting your home. Don't put up with this.

Well, she can hold out her plate (or anything worse) as you're passing, but you don't have to take it!

I do sometimes ignore it and she will say 'take this as you're going' whether I am or not. Whenever I've made anything of it in the past she has made out like I'm being unreasonable because it's no effort for me 'if I'm going to the kitchen anyway'. And I did decline the snot rag btw!
They don't go to anyone elses house except my sisters and she is like me and just keeps the peace.

Why would people want a week of being cooped up with other people?
Even if they were good guests, three days, max.

I'd tell them ASAP that you were both (you and your Dh) talking about Christmas this year and decided that you were both so exhausted after such a busy Christmas this year - what with all the cooking, hosting and driving around, that you are going to book to go away next year, just the four of you. mention how excited you both are and you are going to get some brochures for ideas as soon as you can.

You can then talk about where you might go for a few months I.e. reminding them they are not invited. As you get closer to Christmas, either say you can't afford it or there was a problem with your booking but never mind, you have still decided to have Christmas, just the four of you, at home and you are really looking forward to it.

I think the sooner you mention it, the better you can manage their expectations.

There are phrases you can use on close friends and family (and people whom you want to just go away!) like "what did your last slave die of", "make us a cuppa would you, I'm knackered".

"Why are you such a slovenly lazy bitch? Get the bloody hoover out and don't do it again" might be going a bit far though