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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I should say 'no' to putting friends up on their way back from hols?

32 replies

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 02/01/2012 20:15

I should be clear here, she is a very old friend of mine but I think her partner is a total cocklodger. I have come to be vaguely fond of him over the years but he hasn't stayed with me for several years (we live a very long way apart). (sorry this is a bit long but I didn't want to dripfeed)

We had arranged that they would come and stay to break up their journey last night and I asked them to come a day early so we could spend NYE together (I haven't seen her for 6 months plus our DC get along together very well).

In the 36 hours they were here, all her DP did was sit in front of the telly, totally monopolising it. He only left the living room to come and eat, then got up as soon as he'd finished and returned to the telly. When we went to bed on NYE, I glanced into the living room because his laptop was glowing and he said 'don't worry, it's got to stay on because I'm downloading something that's going to take most of the night'. WTAF?? Never asked me. And yesterday morning, I found him watching MOTD that he'd recorded to my HD recorder without asking.

When they were staying here, my friend asked if they could stay on their return journey. Apart from the fact I don't want to give him houseroom, they are coming back from holiday Thursday evening and would arrive at DS's bedtime plus it's going to be really hard for him going to school the next day when theirs doesn't have to go.

BUT cocklodger doesn't drive so it will mean they will have to get a hotel or she'll have a very long drive and I feel a bit mean saying no. Money is not an issue.

AIBU to say sorry, no can do? I've been a bit vague so far (they didn't ask if they could stay on the return journey until they were already here).

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 02/01/2012 20:17

If money's not an issue, say 'actually with DS going back to school the next morning having guests in the house won't work for me. Why don't you get a nearby hotel, and our respective H's can watch the kids and you and I can catch up over a nice meal out?'

pigletmania · 02/01/2012 20:18

How long would they stay. I would oblige if its a night, but not 2 or 3 nights.

mousysantamouse · 02/01/2012 20:20

just say no.
it doesn't suit timewise. end of.

Winkly · 02/01/2012 20:21

If you've already housed them and don't want them back, don't have them back.

If it was a major issue for them they would have sorted it out ages ago, when they were sorting out their holiday.

"No, we're not able to have you that night. Have a lovely holiday."

Original poster
ChristinedePizaTinsel · 02/01/2012 20:21

It is just one night piglet. But I know that our DC wind each other up something rotten - even when they're dead tired, they won't let one another go to sleep.

I like your thinking Wilson Wink

OP posts:
HettyKett · 02/01/2012 20:22

Do exactly what WilsonFrickett said.

Cocklodger indeed.

Original poster
ChristinedePizaTinsel · 02/01/2012 20:23

Unfortunately I don't have a DP or it would be a brilliant idea. Perhaps he can drain the wifi in their hotel while she comes here for dinner though :o

OP posts:
hwjm1945 · 02/01/2012 20:26

suck it up, it's one night - i let my FIL get on my nerves os much I could hardly stand being in same room as him, but then realsied that it was only hurting me in the end, if you really like her, just suck it up, but perhaps disable the wifi?

Winkly · 02/01/2012 20:29

Why should she have to suck it up? Don't have them to stay. You're not obliged to.

StarlightMcKenzie · 02/01/2012 20:33

Say sorry for being vague, but you were waiting for your mum/sis/aunt/toyboy to confirm whether they were coming and they are.

I don't normally lie but this one seems harmless enough.

BUT, if you like her it is going to be hard to keep your relationship going with her without putting up with him.

Rhubarbgarden · 02/01/2012 20:35

Tricky trade-off between how much you like your friend and how much you dislike her cocklodger. Which is the greater?

NatashaBee · 02/01/2012 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday · 02/01/2012 20:47

it seems mean to say no if she is a very old friend tbh

if you don;t want him to use the wifi then just say so (although, why is it a problem if he does?)
and if you want to watch the tv say so... you don't have to let him behave like that in your house do you?

Original poster
ChristinedePizaTinsel · 02/01/2012 20:49

Tricky one Rhubarb. I find his behaviour makes me like her less - I cannot believe that she doesn't have a go at him for sitting on his arse the entire time. Oh, he did get up once - to have a bath and that ended up with water dripping through my kitchen ceiling :(

Normally, she and her DC come and visit me on their own or we go away with just us and the kids, and I don't tend to see him that much when we stay with them. I think this is the longest period of time I've ever spent with him. So I doubt it'll affect our friendship in the longterm.

If it weren't for school the next day and the fact that I've got an interview for a new job on the Wednesday and it may start immediately, I would say yes. But it all feels like too much hassle

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristinedePizaTinsel · 02/01/2012 20:51

thisisyesterday - I have upload and download limits on my wifi. Most people do. I don't have a massive issue with it but it is polite to ask if you're streaming fucktons of data all night long.

And yes, I could said that I wanted to watch telly. I didn't particularly - it was the fact that he treated me like a free B&B that got on my tits more than anything else.

OP posts:
Trills · 02/01/2012 21:03

What Rhubarb said.

Is the happiness of seeing your friend and feeling that you have done a nice thing for her more or less than the unhappiness of putting up with her DP?

Eglu · 02/01/2012 21:08

It sounds like even if he was okay then it would be a bit of a pain with school the next day etc. I would use school as an excuse and say no. He sounds like a complete nightmare.

Inertia · 02/01/2012 21:21

I would tell them sorry but no as there is likely to be a clash with work commitments that week ( which sounds possible from your earlier post) , and you'd prefer not to have to let them down at the last minute.

dreamingbohemian · 02/01/2012 21:27

As it's only one night, I would say yes, but be sure to 'cocklodger-proof' your house -- turn off wifi router and tv recorder, don't get too much food in, stuff like that.

It would only be for a few hours overall, right? A couple hours in the evening and in the morning? Not too much time to do a lot of damage.

sassyminder · 02/01/2012 21:29

I think you are being a bad host TBH, this does not excuse the fact that he is a bad guest either but as you said you rarely see him anyway.
And can you explain how the bath water dripping in your kitchen is entire his fault?
Some people don't have the same education/manner as you. I think being one off the rare ocasions he is your guest he felt excused of helping with tyding up pr cokking dinner specially if his wife was there helping you?
Maybe he wanted to live you two alone and had no other option than monopolise the TV?
Maybe he senses you dont like him and wants to stay away?
And if money is not a problem why would they want to stay in your house again??
You seem having a problem with him long before this one visit, what is in the background?

bobbledunk · 02/01/2012 21:32

It doesn't suit you, say no.

Eglu · 02/01/2012 21:35

sassyminder I don't think the op is being a bad host at all. I'd love you to explain that one further. And she has laready explained why she doesn't like him.

Original poster
ChristinedePizaTinsel · 02/01/2012 21:38

How am I being a bad host sassy? I cooked 3 meals, did all the washing up and clearing. I was polite and kind for the time they had planned to be here. I don't know how he made the bath leak but it didn't help.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 02/01/2012 21:41

It's not U to say no - it's your house and you have your reasons. Personally I would say yes, as saying no would either, penalise my friend with a drive, or mean they have to go to a hotel which i would feel unkind about.

FWIW he doesn't sound my cup of tea but they were hardly crimes of centuary. Seflish and a cocklodger indeed but nothing hurtful.

sassyminder · 02/01/2012 21:45

I meant bad host in a sense that she is getting annoyed by what he is doing..or not doing.
If you are hosting (in my view) you need to make your guests to feel comfortable and welcome and just relax. This is a host's job.
Specially these people who is coming from a long travel, they maybe were so tired. And it was NYE as well, some people just like to chill.
It is not like the guy is there all the time, is it? They are not even intimate.
Is totally diferent from those kind of hosts (like my pils) who come every other weekend and do exactly the same thing that guy did.
But I do think that recording a program on her box whitout asking was a bit too much.
Maybe have a word with the good old friend and things may improve, but expect him to have a go at him for something they probably even know pissed the op so much is totally OTT.