to ask how you become organised and together? Seriously how??

[inatrance]

This is a question for any of you who used to be disorganised/flaky and are now organised and sorted. I have been like this for so long and I drive myself and everyone around me crackers. I'm unbelievably forgetful, I am late a lot and I'm rubbish with finances. I'm so fed up of cringing because I'm so bloody rubbish and make stupid mistakes all the time!

I've got an 8mth DS and a 10yo DD and while I've always had disorganised tendencies, since I had DS, it's gone from bad to ridiculous and I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up with myself.

I'm self employed (which is for the best as even I'd have sacked me by now) and have somehow managed to run my businesses haphazardly over the last ten years without fucking up too massively. Well, not often anyway...

Well, no more, I've had enough. I am using the New Year to kick me up the arse and I need your help.

If you used to be crap and are now brilliant and incredibly organised, please, please tell me how you did it. What changed in your mind and where the hell did you start?

Solo2

It's good you're taking action on the oven and laundry. I hope Rollo is better soon! It does sound like getting on top of the clutter would help a lot, what about getting rid of stuff gradually, 10 things each per day?

Two small suggestions and you have probably already thought of these but...

If the kids' toys have reached the stage that they are so messy no-one can actually find anything in particular then you have nothing to lose by zipping through the house with some black bags and bagging up EVERYTHING (this could also include your stuff!), tying a knot in each bag and bunging the lot in the attic/garage/car boot. From that day on make it part of the kids routine that they clear up whatever they have taken out that day. If they keep it up for, say, a fortnight as a reward they get one of the bags back - and have to put the contents away. I find this VERY satisfying! You start with an empty house to organise and can gradually add your stuff back into a now organised system.

To make sure they actually do it, take a privilege they demand as a daily right (in my son's case, internet access) and turn it into a reward for a set time immediately before bed. They only get it if they do their allotted chore(s) and if they refuse they go straight to bed instead. Alternatively, offer money. I object to my son frittering small amounts away on tat, so in our house my son earns marbles which he saves in a jar. He chooses something to save up for (about £2-4) and when the jar is full he gets it. The size of the jar has gradually increased as he gets older and has more expensive tastes. I have a tariff of marbles drawn up for every household chore so he can take on extras when he is desperate to make it to the top of the jar. Sad but true

Actually I have a third suggestion - could you hire a professional organiser like Helena and write it off as a business expense? It would be money well spent.

I absolutely love your idea theancientmarinator of bagging up stuff only to be returned once sorted.That is inspired!!!

I think its fantastic that you get an instant win,and once you've seen the lack of mess,there's that extra oomph to stick to your guns and not allow it to be messed up again.

Can I put DH in loft and only let him out once he can fit into my new organised system?

The kids love the place organised and sorted and work with me to keep it that way.I think DH's instinct is to rebel against it and return to his usual comfortable ways....

Actually, at the moment I would quite like someone to bag me up and pop me in the attic till everything is organised again...

A VERY simple time-saving tip.

We have a house where most of the rooms are downstairs. All the floors are hard, and we've a toddler and 4 cats to drop crap.

Last week I bought a long extension lead. This means that I can now reach everywhere downstairs with the vacuum from one point. Saves pockets of time re- plugging it in, plus when you're doing one bit it's easier to do the rest now, so the floor is cleaner.

I have a separate vacuum and long lead for upstairs.

Solo I might have missed how old your twins are, but they may be able to try FlyLady's Kids Challenges which usually only take a few minutes and you shouldn't need to supervise them. The challenges change each day and your twins might find them fun. Maybe they could earn a set amount of pennies for each day they complete the challenge?

TheAncientMarinator gave a really good suggestion of "could you hire a professional organiser like Helena and write it off as a business expense?" If you work from home, I am pretty sure you could get away with this!

I have just downloaded the home routines app. Dumb question but what do I do now? I think it wants me to decide how often to wipe skirting boards etc. I haven't a clue I want them to tell me!

I think I might be missing the point of the app, it cost £2.49 and the reviews are great but it doesn't look any better than the errands free app. Am I missing something?

I use the home routines app. I customised it to add some things that I like done in the mornings and I added getting my clothes out ready and checking my bring forward filing system each night.

I added a bit to the weekly bit - filing, culling magazines, dinner money, changing beds, veg box payment etc.

I tinkered with the zones a bit so it flowed a bit more easily. My family room is off the kitchen and they were in different zones which didn't make sense.

The idea is that you do a weekly quick clean and then focus on one area for a few days each month for a more detailed clean. Have you looked St the Flylady website? That might make it clearer as the app is loosely based on that.

It does take a bit of customising to make it work well. The advantage over a to do list is that the app automatically resets itself daily/ weekly.

I use the errands app, which is free and really good. I use it for scheduling all my house chores, meal planning etc etc

sorting laundry would be beyond my children Solo
However, bringing it downstairs in a pile would not...

You are their mum. You do a lot for them. They depend on you. They shouldn't be cross when you ask them to help, if you phrase it properly. I'm sure at school they are asked to help with basic chores; I know in my children's school they have to do things like sweep the classroom and tidy the shelves from age of 4. I'm so tired and I need you to help me with x y z wouldn't go down very well in our house, but "Your Job Today Is" written on a board, might. Don't be frightened of offending them or upsetting them by asking them to do small helpful acts. It sounds like you feel terribly guilty that the house is not organised and perceive it all to be your fault and don't want to implicate them. You are not doing them a favour by being overworked and ultimately resentful when they are 14, working flat out for their exams, and STILL not lifting a finger to help...

I sympathise with the meals for various family members scenario. My ds2 is incredibly fussy and has ASD and his fave meal is basically pasta with grated cheese, no sauce. Yet he likes pasta bake because he helps make it and tonight he enjoyed tuna bake with cheese sauce on it. He used to hate baked potatoes, but converted due to laying the table and putting out all the toppings...He now loves salmon baked in oven, fish pie, all sorts of things really he didn't like - I suppose it is acclimatization in a relaxed atmosphere. Whereas as you say being forced to finish something you don't like in school would be enough to put anyone off...(once you try something they often make you finish it..)

I loved Flylady's challenge today - slightly off in our house! Yoosa I can well imagine ds2 bringing me most of the favourite, much loved books in the house and saying...sell these, I want the money to buy a PSP

Thanks for the further tips. Spent one hour yesterday (as DCs were out at a school activity club) systematising the laundry. So now at least all the dirty laundry is in specific baskets/black bin bags, in categories of type of wash. On the other hand, by doing this, I failed to get any urgent business admin. done. So for me it's always having to make a choice about what gets done, knowing that something else will then reach crisis point, by being left!

If only the DCs (aged 10) would respond neutrally to requests for help, - or better still, positively - then we could work as a team to keep on top of the domestic side of things. However, the least request definitiely brings out the worst in them. IE yesterday when I brought them home, they just threw their jackets on the hall floor and left muddy wellies lying there too.

As I was trying to tell them to hang them up and put boots in the boot rack, a major row between them ensued and I couldn't even make myself heard! Finally, DT2 went upstairs and I accosted DT1 and insisted he hung his stuff up - but this then led to such moodiness, anger and verbal back-chat, that I was left feeling I should have done it myself to save the stress!

DT2's stuff remains where it was left....

Re. a professional organiser, delcutterer. I've used one 3 times before and whilst in some ways - despite the expense - it really helped to get the paperwork together, on the final occasion is was disasterous. She was staying overnight for a few nights, as she'd travelled to reach us and would have also billed B & B costs.

She was just AWFUL to have there. She did ansolutely nothing at all to help re. meals and clear up etc., despite the fact that I really put myself out to make her welcome. DTs were a lot younger and much more needy. She hugely upset them as she kept making demands of me at their bedtime. She accidentally broke a v v precious object of mine and she read aloud from my teenage diaries/ young love - letters etc, as she was sorting through my papers!

In the end, I had to make her leave! The bill I had to pay her was almost £1,000! Yes, she was v v organised and efficient but had totally no idea of what it's iike to be a parent (no DCs of her own) and the lack of time in any one day because of the needs of small children. Her methods would have been great for a single adult with no ties/dependents but I'm afraid she seriously put me off getting anymore paid help of this kind.

Solo2, if you're in London I will come and sort your house out for free when I am next between contracts (I am highly organised and do contract work, mainly as an EA or project manager). I love to organise. Let me know.

Before you mentioned your twins' age I thought they'd be about 5. At 10, they should be able to help more, even if one has SN. It sounds like you are too frazzled to get tough but you need to. Stop picking up after them, doing laundry etc. If they go to school dirty, tough. Why not make them 100% responsible for the dog? Two ten-year-olds should be able to manage this between them - feeding, taking out, walking him (including picking up poo!) etc. You only get involved if dog needs to be driven somewhere. I would give them a month's trial at this and tell them at the start that if they can't do it, the dog goes. You can't go on like this!

I agree with getting the DCs to take some responsibility. My DCs are 10 and 7, and I got them to set up a "cleaning company" in the house. If they want something (usually sweets), they ask what needs doing round the house. They are perfectly capable of putting a wash on (and sorting it into drawers), hoovering, dusting, polishing etc.
If your DCs kick off about not hanging up coats etc again, just calmly chuck the coats and wellies out of the front door and walk off. They'll get the message that you mean business.
Why not arrange a family meeting to discuss e.g. clearing the kitchen so you can all make decent meals. Set timescales and agree everyone's roles. Once you've got the kitchen sorted (and given you've got laundry sorted) you should be able to see the wood for the trees, and can calmly discuss sorting one thing at a time.
Could the DCs be responsible for sorting out things to EBay, then watching the auction for you, and packing stuff up to post off?

Solo2

That's great that you sorted the washing, don't beat yourself up about the rest. The dcs need to respect you, I would be incandescent if mine would not hang up a coat. I would be saying things along the line of 'someone worked hard to make that, I worked hard to buy it, I wash it, I'll buy you another when you need one but I'm asking you to hang it up. And if they threw it on the floor I'd dock pocket money/ take away console/ sweets or whatever would hurt most.

Don't be afraid to be tough, you're doing it for their own good, they need to learn how to keep a house so that they will not struggle with it when they have families of their own.

Right, they are tired after Hockey and school. I get that. There is no way they are going to be responsible for the dog. I get that. You don't have to explain that. It will come however, the dog responsibility, when other things become less stressful....
However, I think being frightened of asking them to do something because of the repercussions is Not On. You are not frightened of asking them to do long and difficult homework are you? You are not frightened of asking them to get dressed and ready for school on cold dark winter mornings when we'd all rather stay in bed and watch telly? No...because you really want them to do it, and also they KNOW it has to be done. It is habit, and your sense of what is important.
IT IS IMPORTANT THAT THEY HANG UP THEIR COATS. It is a very tiny thing to ask. Not because it is in itself important (I don't have a thing about coats in particular) but because YOU, THEIR MOTHER, asked them to DO IT.

You are obviously very tired too,and the strain of them arguing is just the final straw, but you need to establish the difference between ordinary mess and muddle such as most families have [!]and them not having any RULES or in fact helping each other either. The arguing amongst themselves who is to blame is very familiar, and the way to avoid that is involve yourself in what they are doing to help, and praise them for helping. You are a TEAM not some warring factions.

Family meeting is the way to go. Sit down, with snacks, treats, music whatever to lure them down, with a big marker pen and a piece of card and write down things you could do to help each other. Without recrimination, without nagging. Just one thing each. This gives chance for one dt to say, when I come in I feel so tired I can't face hanging up my coat....and you to respond, yes, I understand that feeling but from now on, (cheerfully, brightly, positively) we need to hang up the coats. Leave it at that for a week. Every day make sure it is done, Reinforce the Habit. Before moving on to some other responsibility.

If the DCs can't/won't take over the daily care of the dog then I think it should be rehomed. It's not fair on the dog or on the OP otherwise. It sounds like Solo's at breaking point - the only alternative solution would be to keep the dog and rehome the DCs but I'm guessing she wouldn't really want to do that

Wellwisher I know plenty of "organised" people who have dog walkers and babysitters to solve the problem of "time". It is just delegation really, not necessary to re-home children or dogs. I also know a lot of ten year olds who don't take charge

I know from the doghouse that Solo didn't get the dog because the dcs wanted one, rather it was something she'd always wanted to do. They had a hard time when it was a puppy as it had the runs and the dcs were not that keen on it.

Sorry Solo if that's not right

I am so late in posting! Amazing thread. I have got so much from it so thank you. I have saved it in threads I'm watching!

solo I'm sorry you had a bad time with the professional organiser you had. She was clearly very unprofessional. It's never a good idea to work with someone for day after day like that. It's exhausting sorting through personal stuff and dealing with the challenges that arise. As for reading your personal papers well I'm beyond horrified.

I do think you need to have a family meeting with your twins. Set out all the jobs that need doing around the house and work towards them taking on one or two each. As a minimum they need to understand that they need to hang up their own stuff, sort out their own kits/ books/ uniform and get on with their homework.

My DD is dyspraxic, dyslexic and dysgraphic and disorganised is her middle name. I know it seems easier to do things for children but it isn't preparing them for life. It also isn't looking after your needs. Yes there will be tantrums but new habits can be established. It takes 28 days to make a habit. In one year you could have established 13 new habits - that could be 26 less things for you to do if each of your twins took on one job each each time.

I am worried about you. You've been on my mind all week. Please take care of yourself. You seem to have no one close to help you so you need to be even more careful with yourself.

It sounds like the dog takes up a lot of your time. Could you consider rehoming the dog? How could you "spend" the time you'd save? Would that make enough of a difference?

I am hugely disorganised and used to be in a "deadline" job where you just focussed on the next thing, so organisation didn't matter so much, then I started a job as a lecturer which means planning over years. One of the best things I was told was to be early for classes. This means you have five/ten mins just chatting to the students as they come in while you set up your stuff in a relaxed fashion. You really get to know your students in a way you never do in "structured" time. Don't aim to be on time, aim to be early. When you start seeing the benefits, you'll find it easy to never be late again.

So... Who is organised enough to go through the whole thread and make a master list of all the advice given for us? :o

Great thread. i have read about half of it so far. Apologies if this has been mentioned before, but I try to prepare dinner in the morning before the school run. I have some simple healthy recipes that don't take much time and can be shoved in the oven, or I load the slow cooker in the morning. I find the time after school pickup is the most stressful of my day, with tired kids who need to be motivated to do homework, so if i am organised with dinner, it all helps. Plus i don't have the disaster kitchen situation. and then i might prepare stuff for the next day, for example, but veg for slow cooker, take meat out of freezer etc. And generally tidy up.

Great tips, thanks

Ohdearnigel has already done a list I believe.

Thanks dietcoke! Have sent her a message :)