To be p*ssed off with PIL

[ProPerformer]

Ok, so to start I will say I know I am prob being a bit unreasonable, just not as much as they seem to make out. Secondly, sorry if this is a bit rambling and long.

Basically a bit of background - my PIL are basically lovely people, but they are quite controlling and 'in their house it's their rules' - which of course is how it should be, but I take exception when those same rules are applied to our Ds. By this I mean rules such as 'No TV apart from one occasional episode of something they have pre approved': Fine but Ds does like to watch Noddy during breakfast and a couple of programmes just after lunch. (so he sits still enough to let his dinner slip)
'if you are allowed a programme on then it will be turned off directly you move or don't pay attention to it for ten seconds': Ds is only just 3 for goodness sake, then they wonder why he gets upset when they do it!

Also - I have quite severe anxiety disorder with stress and depression. Every time they come round our house they criticise things and move things without telling us where they have put them or even that they have done! ( once I was looking in the kitchen for our cheese grater and couldn't find it. I mentioned it when I next saw PIL and turns out it had been thrown away because 'it had a little bit of rust on the handle!') They also always try to 'help' i.e. MIL:"We'll just mow the lawn for you."
US:"No thank you we will fo that another day."
MIL: "Pil, just go and get the lawnmower will you."
Or
MIL: "Well when we next come round we'll do that plastering for you"
US: "Thanks but we need to get it looked at properly first to make sure the plaster is the only problem."
MIL: "Well I'm sure that can be done during the week" (We at work!)

Then if we do refuse their 'help' they get all 'well you obviously don't appreciate our help etc so we won't babysit or help you ever again then.' etc etc. (And yes we do also gratefully accept their help if it really is needed.)

But the thing that really bugs me:

THEY BRING THEIR OWN RUDDY SANDWICHES TO EAT WHEN THEY VISIT OUR HOUSE!!
Yep!
I am quite capable and willing to make them a sandwich or a meal and have said so but they always turn up with them. (Once I did cook them something for when they babysat and found out they had gone to the ships and got their own microwave meals despite it!!!) Oh and they won't eat a main meal at our house because we haven't got a dining table so insist on going out for a meal and moan when they have to pay - our house is teeny tiny and we just haven't got room for a big dining table - we have a tiny table that we use sometimes or we have lap-trays. We don't eat infront of the tv or anything and it just like a 'table centred' meal apart from the lack of table!
GRR

Right, now breathe! (btw. SIL is totally lovely! :) )

Despite all this I do actually like them as they quite nice people really! :) lol They just infuriate the Cr*p outta me!

at the turning up with sandwiches. Do they bring a thermos?

I'd go out when they're due to visit, and leave DH to it.

Ooh are you my SIL??! You've just described my in-laws to a T. Especially the doing DIY jobs you don't want doing. And rearranging stuff. And bringing their own stuff when they visit - they even bring their own bloody towels when they come to stay; drives me mad.

YANBU but I think you have to let it go when you are in their house; their house their rules fair's fair. But in your own, it's different. I always get dh to clearly state before each visit that no DIY is to be done, no cupboards are to be rearranged etc etc. And we always have a 'safe' task ready on standby to occupy FIL if he's bouncing off the walls - pile of fire wood that needs chopping up etc. They are slowly learning. But they still bring their own bloody towels.

From a practical point of view would this kind of table work?

The throwing away your things etc is

throwing the cheese grater away? how rude. did they provide you with another one?

sorry but I have laughed that the sandwiches is the thing that annoys you most out of all those bloody annoying things. you do have my sympathies. does dh stick up to them?

ok

older folk (and I count myself in this instance) don't like eating off lap trays or on knees, it's not easy for gnarly hands and not comfy; eating and chatting round the table is lovely - can you get the table out for mealtimes anyway?

I kind of agree that tele should be watched, rather than act as moving wallpaper, and switch off if my child has wandered off. But do they switch off your tele in your house? In their own home, kinda fair enough but in your house, that's a bit odd

offering to do jobs and then steaming ahead after a No is annoying but worth sucking up as they babysit and whatnot for you

On balance I think YABU

[ponders]

They sound bloody awful. I wouldn't take your DS round there, it sounds like a miserable time for him.

I also as euphemia says be out when they come round. THrowing away other peoples property is not on. They sound like they bulldoze all over your lives.

we have 1 family member who brings coffee and coffee whitener as our coffee "is cheap and nasty" apparently and we have semi skimmed milk which "isnt good enough".
mil brings her own sweeteners, we have sweeteners which i put 2 in her tea as asked for, then she says i havent put them in and puts 2 of her own in, i have offered 4 sweeteners but she insists she only has 2
mil and fil live 15 in drive away but often turn up at our house with chips/pizza at 6pm. they offer a bit but we have eaten and normally say no so they sit and eat infront of us which i find weird when they live so close and could eat at home??

Just to answer a few of the questions etc.

Seriously, our home is TINY and no table bigger than about a '2 seater' will fit in it for dining even if it was folded otherwise! We do offer to get our table out for them, but that won't do as 'we can't all fit round it together'. They are not old either - MIL just turned 60 and FIL mid 60's.

I agree that fair's fair in their house so I do keep quiet on that front when I there, but yes they do turn the tv off / complain about it being watched when in our house. I grin and bear the rules at theirs cos that's how I've been brought up, and even bend our rules at home to accommodate them! (I.e. Having slightly different mealtimes or limiting DS's noisy toys.)

Odd jobs etc. I tend to just let them do the little ones, but honestly - if we even refuse once it's all tears and threats which believe me are not idle ones!

Yeah the sandwiches do annoy me the most - I hate cooking but they always cook for us when we at theirs and tbh it more that I want to return the favour! Plus we often offer to pay at the meals out but are very very rarely actually allowed to.

Like I said, I do know that I am being a bit unreasonable, but they make it out like I am a propper ungrateful argumentative cow at times! It also good for me to see which other's think is the worst thing from either POV.

DH won't stand up to them cos like I said, not all the threats are idle - if it was just DH and me then fine, but Ds loves his grandparents so wouldn't be fair on him so it just not worth standing up. Lol

(And yes they did replace the cheese grater as an Xmas present that year, which I did think was kinda great. :) Lol)

Believe it or not though I do actually like my PIL and get on brilliantly with them on days out - just not when we share a house!

Ooh they do sound controlling! It is so hard when older people are set in their ways - my parents are similar in that they are not very adaptable and dislike the large plastic bottles of supermarket milk we buy, instead of proper pint glass bottles. Mine would probably throw away the grater but they would actually replace it with a better one!

I think you need to pick your battles and try to recognise any behaviour which is a genuine attempt to improve things - ie what Boysarelikedogs says about eating a meal. You should do what you can to make them comfortable, within reason. Comfort is more of an issue for older people, so chairs, tables, beds - basically all furniture - can make a difference. I would make allowances for that. It might also be things that are not so obvious, like they bring soft sandwiches because their teeth are not up to the crusty bread you serve. That's just an example.

YANBU in general, but try to just accept they are not as adaptable as you and they seem to be doing things because they believe it makes your life easier rather than to be difficult.

They are treating you like children. If your DH is not prepared to stand up to them it will not get better. Making 'threats' - say what?!

Threats like 'Well we won't come round any more and you can't come to ours.'

These would be bearable if it was just DH and me, but as I said DS really loves them (apart from the tv thing they great with him and spoil him rotten) and not seeing them would just be so so unfair on him.

I would start taking sandwiches there saying that you don't want to put them to the trouble of cooking especially as you never get to return the favour.
I would also ask them not to throw your stuff away and if they turn the tv off when you/ds are watching it and you want it back on just turn it back on. We hardly ever watch tv but if someone came into my house and turned it off because they thought I wasn't concentrating sufficiently they would get short shrift!
I would also be interested to know what threats they make. If it's that they will never do anything for you again just say 'fine'. You can manage without their help. I'm sure you have friends/other family who can help you out when you actually want it

X-posted. They're not that great if they are basically blackmailing you. I would just say to them - 'that's unfortunate as ds enjoys seeing you but it's your choice'. I would imagine it's an empty threat but if they would cut off your ds just like that through no fault of his own he's probably better off without them in the long term.

You are allowing them to blackmail them. You need to call them on it. Your DS will survive, and they will probably end up giving in if they love him that much.

My PIL always bring sandwiches! Tbh doesn't bother me at all, saves me a lot of hassle. The rest would though, yanbu.

YANBU, Ive had similar problems when I had my first daughter but I just kept standing up for myself in the most appropriate way possible and I showed them that I was in control of my household and not them. Gradually things got better and now they leave us alone and we are on really good terms. I dont think they realised that people are different and not every one wants to live like them. There is definatly a daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship battle in most families when the first grandchild is born. I think MILs dont like the DILs taking their sons away and doing things differently to how they would. Keep standing up for yourself and make sure you are on the same wavelength as your hubby and things will hopefully get better in time.

My PIL do a lot of this. But we let them get on with the jobs. And yes they generally bring their own sarnies too. MIL has always said that this is so we don't go to any trouble. Now I just let them get on with it. No point getting het up about NOT having to make them lunch.

I agree with RomanChristingle; the are blackmailing you and aren't being good grandparents if they are happy to just walk out of your DS's life if they can't have their own way. Actually they sound pretty controlling and horrible, and it sounds to me as though you find them intimidating.

My PILs always used to bring sandwiches too, on horrid white plastic bread with plastic ham. They'd ring up and tell us what day they were coming and that they would arrive in time for lunch, and we'd even discuss what I would make for lunch, but then they'd turn up with their bloody sandwiches and eat them while I was finishing cooking the wonderful thing I was making entirely for their benefit.

RomanChristingle had good advice, and is exactly what I'd do.

Regarding the poster who is offended about guests bringing coffee creamer, coffee with milk upsets my stomach and I hate the taste. Our friends whom we visit a few times a year keep powdered creamer in the house for us and other guests, they take their coffee black. We don't bring our own coffee (anymore) because another mutual friend leaves good coffee there and they give us our choice when we visit. I buy special teas for my sons girlfriend, and only vegetarian cheese as she eats here several times a week. It is welcoming to consider your guests dis-likes and likes.

I would also be very wary of letting your DS stay close to them, if they are prepared to cut him off like that at the slightest thing. He may adore them, but it doesn't sound like they actually care that much about him - if they did they wouldn't threaten to withdraw contact everytime you upset them.

Do you really want him to grow up with them doing this to him? I would suggest you HAVE to tell them that if they keep threatening to withdraw contact then you will have to keep him away as you can't have them treating their relationship with him like a weapon adn it has too much potential to hurt him. (the only alternative is to give in to them for the whole rest of their lives)

op what you have written reminds me so much of my mum and yes it can be really annoying!

iscream - im not offended they bring whitener/coffee, im slightly when they say because my stuff is cheap and nasty.
i buy sugar for people who want it even though we dont use it, i wouldnt object to buying whitener if regular visitor wants it, i do object to buying posh coffee and keeping it in the cupboard when we have own brand (we maybe have 1 coffee a week) as we are on a budget.