To be p*ssed off with PIL

[ProPerformer]

Ok, so to start I will say I know I am prob being a bit unreasonable, just not as much as they seem to make out. Secondly, sorry if this is a bit rambling and long.

Basically a bit of background - my PIL are basically lovely people, but they are quite controlling and 'in their house it's their rules' - which of course is how it should be, but I take exception when those same rules are applied to our Ds. By this I mean rules such as 'No TV apart from one occasional episode of something they have pre approved': Fine but Ds does like to watch Noddy during breakfast and a couple of programmes just after lunch. (so he sits still enough to let his dinner slip)
'if you are allowed a programme on then it will be turned off directly you move or don't pay attention to it for ten seconds': Ds is only just 3 for goodness sake, then they wonder why he gets upset when they do it!

Also - I have quite severe anxiety disorder with stress and depression. Every time they come round our house they criticise things and move things without telling us where they have put them or even that they have done! ( once I was looking in the kitchen for our cheese grater and couldn't find it. I mentioned it when I next saw PIL and turns out it had been thrown away because 'it had a little bit of rust on the handle!') They also always try to 'help' i.e. MIL:"We'll just mow the lawn for you."
US:"No thank you we will fo that another day."
MIL: "Pil, just go and get the lawnmower will you."
Or
MIL: "Well when we next come round we'll do that plastering for you"
US: "Thanks but we need to get it looked at properly first to make sure the plaster is the only problem."
MIL: "Well I'm sure that can be done during the week" (We at work!)

Then if we do refuse their 'help' they get all 'well you obviously don't appreciate our help etc so we won't babysit or help you ever again then.' etc etc. (And yes we do also gratefully accept their help if it really is needed.)

But the thing that really bugs me:

THEY BRING THEIR OWN RUDDY SANDWICHES TO EAT WHEN THEY VISIT OUR HOUSE!!
Yep!
I am quite capable and willing to make them a sandwich or a meal and have said so but they always turn up with them. (Once I did cook them something for when they babysat and found out they had gone to the ships and got their own microwave meals despite it!!!) Oh and they won't eat a main meal at our house because we haven't got a dining table so insist on going out for a meal and moan when they have to pay - our house is teeny tiny and we just haven't got room for a big dining table - we have a tiny table that we use sometimes or we have lap-trays. We don't eat infront of the tv or anything and it just like a 'table centred' meal apart from the lack of table!
GRR

Right, now breathe! (btw. SIL is totally lovely! :) )

Despite all this I do actually like them as they quite nice people really! :) lol They just infuriate the Cr*p outta me!

If they only want to see DS if they get control of your home then they obviously do not give two hoots about him then. I would simply say, "no, do not do that" when they say they are doing diy for you, and tell them not to move stuff and if they throw it away ask them to bring around the replacement asap, if they tun the TV oiff, turn it back on and say "our house ou rules". if they thow a tantrum let them boycott you, they will give in first.

Hold on. So it's ok for them to have rules and preferences in their house but you are not allowed any in your own home erm, because they do a bit of babysitting? What rot.

You don't have to suck up anything in your own home. If you say you don't want them doing the mowing or the plastering then they should take no for an answer. I'm amazed you haven't bundled them out of the door in irritation yet.

Take sandwiches to their house. Refuse to eat their food. See how they like it. I vet they will kick up a fuss.

Next time they do kick up a fuss about something, just say, "Stop over reacting. You're not children." smilingly.

he does sound like he watches lots of tv so maybe it's not a bad thing they turn it off. it's only telly anyway and it's crap. i think its good for you son to get used to other peoples rules

agree cheese grater shouldn't be thrown away and that taking sandwiches is very odd.

skyblue in his own home a child ought only heed the rules of his parents. Grandparents, hangers on and the Easter bunny should. Ack off and keep their noses out:)

Back off, not ack off. My typing is not at it's best at this hour >_

skyblue - how much tv he watches in his own home is up to his parents, not his Grandparents, or did you misread that this happens at the OP's house not just theirs?

I was going to say what Bumptious said pretty much. There's no way I'd want them having regular contact with DS if they can threaten 'no contact' so easily. I would also not want him growing up thinking that you are not the 'boss' in your own home.

Does the house pre-date you? Did they help DH buy it? These are the only reasons I can see where they might have (mistakenly) got the impression they can rule your roost as well as their own.

I would put my foot down if I were you - this is no way to live in your own home. So what if they threaten not to visit, they'll cave eventually and if they don't, better you find out now and adjust because it will blow up at some stage, better now while DS is little and will adjust quicker.

Madness to be overruled about stuff in your own home.

I'm with them on not wanting non stop TV. Have just had a few days with 2 toddlers who only occasionally watched TV as only 1 tv in the house and we wanted to chat/ play games/ do other stuff. I think teaching them that if they are watching TV they watch it and don't have it as background noise is fair enough. Maybe get a portable DVD player if you want your sprog to watch more DVDs if he gets bored. If your son has breakfast with everyone else then subjecting them to early morning Noddy sounds very unreasonable. I'm not a fan of TV during meals for young kids though, stops them concentrating on their food and it being a social occasion. I'm more relaxed for evening meals now they are teenagers but would never put TV on for meals when I have visitors or am visiting.
It sounds as though you should stand up to them more in your own house re DIY though ant tell them "sorry but this is my house and I don't want you to do x"
The sandwiches thing is weird but wouldn't bother me.

Only stand up to them regarding DIY? Sod that. In my home I do as I wish and anybody else can go whistle as far as I'm concerned. Why should the original poster now to the whims of extended family in her own home? If she and her husband are happy with their routines then the grandparents should accept it.

Thanks everyone - you have more or less confirmed what I thought, that IABU in some respects but INBU in most.

Just to clarify on the tv front: Ds watches Noddy just after his breakfast then it's turned off, then he's allowed 1/2 hour of it while I do dinner and sometimes a programme just before bed - certainly not 'non-stop'. We don't use it as background noise (Well I do for myself sometimes when I home alone but not with DS!) and with regards to 'paying attention' we have a 2 minute rule; if he hasn't paid attention to it for 2 minutes and can't tell us what has been happening then it goes off - PIL have a 20 second rule, which IMHO is ridiculous for a 3 yr old!

I was presuming the TV stuff was at the inlaws house. No-one would tell me how long the TV is on for in my house. If you have a 2 min rule that sounds sensible. A 20sec rule makes it sound as though they need to get a life and stop staring at their watches.