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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to celebrate tonight and let myself go since mum died in june

42 replies

forgetmenot7 · 31/12/2011 23:00

My Mum died in June after a stroke and a month of heartache till she passed away.I have let myself go and have no incentive for anything. I cant stop crying tonight which is awful. When will it stop ?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 31/12/2011 23:02

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this. :(

My dad died just over a month ago, so I know a little bit of what you're feeling. We didn't have the most wonderful relationship, but the loss of a parent is the loss of a parent, isn't it?

I can't offer any advice (wish I could), but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Minshu · 31/12/2011 23:03

You will learn to live with this. The first year is the hardest - the first christmas, birthdays, new year, mothers day is awful, but you will learn to live with it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. x

FreudianSlipper · 31/12/2011 23:03

the first of everything is so hard, you will never stop missing her but you do learn to live with the pain, it jsut suddenly happens and you can think of them without feeling that terrible panic and pain but you still have a cry every now and then

do not be hard on yourself. do you have someone to talk to?

heliumballoon · 31/12/2011 23:05

My father died in June. I am finding New Year harder than Christmas, and not sure why. Maybe it's because we look back at the old year and think about what we hope for from the new year.
You're not alone. There are three of us here already. Take heart from that if nothing else.

onetoomanytoo · 31/12/2011 23:08

have a unmumsnet type hug from me,

i lost my mum 2 months ago, also from her last stroke,
but her passing to me was a relief, as the last few weeks of her life she wasn't my mum, well not the mum i knew and loved,

take comfort in the end to her suffering, that she is at peace, is no longer in pain.
i hav cried tonight, just a quiet weep for my darling mum, but once i have taxied the family home i will be having a little drink or several, have spent the last few years on constant alert in case mum needed me, which meant no drinking in case i had to drive.

as to how long grieving will take, how long is a bit of string?, we all deal with death differently, nothing is the wrong way or the right way, it's your way that counts, be kind to yourself.

Original poster
forgetmenot7 · 31/12/2011 23:16

Thanks to all of you. I had been on here when she had the stroke and couldnt stand seeing her in that way with no dignity so it was best when she died. Just feeling sad and try not to think about it most of the time.Got to tell her before she died that I loved her and that "she was MY Mum " (I am adopted so it was important she knew that she was still my Mum .)Jusdt needed to get it out , cant talk about it to partner and kids. So thanks everyone .At least she s with my Dad now !!

OP posts:
devonshiredumpling · 31/12/2011 23:26

have you tried talking to a person from the bereavemant charity CRUSE they are brilliant at what they do and have helped loads of people i know .my love goes out to you at this time of year

slavetofilofax · 31/12/2011 23:33

It won't stop sadly. Sad it never goes away because something has changed and it can't change back.

But it will get easier to live with and it will be easier to remember the good things about your Mum without it hurting so much every time.

I think the new year thing can be harder than Christmas in some ways, at least I know it has been for me. I think it's because you don't want to be in a year that that person has never been in iyswim. It feels almost like you are leaving that person behind and you don't want to do that and have no control over it.

You just have to take each day as it comes, each hour at the worst times. It will get easier though. Allow yourself to think about your Mum if you think it will help you. She sounds very special, and you can always write about her on here.

squeakytoy · 31/12/2011 23:38

The first year is most definately the hardest. We lost my mum and my FIL within six months of each other and even now 3 NYE's later, it is still a bit :( at midnight, but it does get easier with each year.

ChildofIsis · 31/12/2011 23:38

Your post resonated with me forgetmenot.

I'm an adoptee and my mum died 2 weeks ago, my dad 21 years ago.
When dad died I was just as you have described, I ended up having a nervous breakdown and was unable to work for 3 years.
This time around has been easier, I'm older, mum was older(78) and it doesn't seem to be an 'unfair' death.
I was 22 when dad died, he was 65.
Mum had been very ill for a long time and it's been a release for us all.

I am lucky in that I found my birth mum in may, she and mum had become friends. Birth mum has been very supportive, as have my wonderful family and friends.

Be gentle with yourself and don't force yuourself to any specific timeframes with your grief. It takes as long as it takes.

racetobed · 31/12/2011 23:41

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You would have brought your mum great happiness, loving her so. Peace be with you x

marriedinwhite · 31/12/2011 23:43

It's tough and I'm really sorry you are going through this. It does get easier as the years go by though. My dad died in 2001 and FIL in 2008. This year was the first year we talked about him over the christmas holidays always being too concerned for MIL for the last year or two.

mummylin2495 · 31/12/2011 23:43

I lost my mum 8 weeks ago and i could not face going out.Dh has gone as usual as i actually wanted to be alone and besides i didnt want to spoil his night.This is awful.

mummylin2495 · 31/12/2011 23:48

I want to stay in 2010 for the reason someone has already stated. 2010 was the year i last saw my my mum.I dont want to be saying i lost my mum last year. Like others here i also have found today worse than xmas day,I have no idea why, but i am very tearful tonight.

mummylin2495 · 31/12/2011 23:49

oops i meant i want to stay in 2011 !! not 2010

Fiendishlie · 01/01/2012 01:22

Lost my mum in August, she was only 63 and had had a routine operation (gall bladder removal) and never woke up. I feel like it doesn't get harder than this. So hard.

auntmargaret · 01/01/2012 01:50

I feel so much for all of you. My mum died in 1983, I was 12, it never goes away but it becomes bearable after a while. I hated Christmas for years, til I had kids and remembered that I loved it. In time, the memories comfort you, rather than hurt, be good to yourself, be kind. Xx

NewGirlInTown · 01/01/2012 01:57

This is so normal. My mother died three years ago, and I have not enjoyed a Christmas since. She was the heart of our family's Christmas and I am bereft at this time of year. She made everything so beautiful. I can only pray it gets easier. Hugs to everyone feeling the same pain.

escape · 01/01/2012 02:08

Love to all. I too lost my Mum at just 49 years in August and I am feeling your pain at this time of year too x

tigerlillyd02 · 01/01/2012 06:30

I feel for you so much! It's one of my worst nightmares (other than anything happening to my DS). My mum is the closest person to me and I just can't even bear the thought of it and know full well I'll have to go through it one day. I cannot even contemplate your pain.

My brother died in January this year (last year now actually). On my birthday of all days! He was just 28 and totally unexpected - he ended up with severe pneumonia from the flu which we all had, so we're having to go through all the firsts with christmas / new year this time round.

We've just been through the first Christmas without him which was tinged with a lot of sadness all round as he was always a part of the christmas celebrations. New Years Eve was particularly hard as we remember he phoned my mum this time last year saying how ill he felt and we all just assumed 'man flu' as he was always, and I mean always going on about his ailments (he had an ingrowing toenail and asked if he was going to die!). But now we're having to live with the nightmare of guilt at having not taken him seriously. Next week we'll be remembering him going into hospital - not something we've forgotton but it's just highlighted more, if that makes sense then a week later the first anniversary of his death.

It's not easy, by any means. I know the pain I feel over this would be a million times worse if it was my mum - the same as this is my mums worst nightmare at having lost a child.

The death of someone close is certainly not something you'll ever forget and I'm sure the sadness never goes entirely. But you do learn to cope, somehow and have it more as a side thought, tinged with sadness rather than it taking over your entire life.

Love to everyone who is struggling at this time of year, and of course at times in between.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 01/01/2012 06:33

did a bereavement counselling course after qualifying and so much of it was tosh - it's such a hard thing grieving and so little that can really help unless you have a faith or something. BUT the best theory/analogy that i heard was that the hole left by the person never does shrink but life grows bigger around it. so that hole will always be there but it won't take up such a proportion of you itms.

take care of yourself xx

StickAForkInMeImDone · 01/01/2012 06:37

mummylin I understand what you mean. I hated the first New Year without mum for the reasons you said. I hated saying "last year" when talking about her. Likewise I hated the anniversary that meant I had spent more of my life without her than I had with her. It felt as though her part of me was becoming diminished. Next year will be the 20th aniversary, last time she saw me I was a teenager. Now I am an adult, married with children. I don;t want it to be 20years, because that feels like a life time ago.
OP just let yourself be. It is totally normal to feel how you do. Give yourself a break, new year & christmas is very hard when grieving. The crying probably won't stop as such. Life will never be the "old" normal again. You have a new normal to get used to. And you will. It may creep up on you, where before a memory would have you in floods of tears, one day it will make you smile.
There will often be days that grief overwelms you, and that is ok. But there will be other days when you remember something wonderful about your mum and it will make you feel good. I remember after having DC2 I said to DH "thank fuck mum isn't here, she would have our 3 day old baby out camping and would probably be on the doorstep every day with a meal prepared or a wise word or 2! It made us both smile even though we both knew how desperatley we wished she was there.
You sound as though you have lovely memories of your mum, and the way you told her that she was "my mum" has had me in tears.
xx

StickAForkInMeImDone · 01/01/2012 06:39

santa I love that theory. It makes so much sense. I always hated the thought that the grief would lessen. But you are right. The loss didn't lessen, life just grew right around it and enabled me to cope.

LovesBloominChristmas · 01/01/2012 06:40

Newgirl decries how I feel. My dad died at tge end of 2010, it has changed everything, I will never be tge same. I have found it hard to look forward to anything. Christmas has changed forever Sad

There are always reminders but like others have said you begin to be able to hold back and not brake down and cry at all of them.

I found myself sobbing at eastenders this week, tge Pat storyline has close links with dads story Sad

LovesBloominChristmas · 01/01/2012 06:45

Santa so true.

And so is "I hated saying "last year" when talking about her"

I find that if I try to say my mums house in stead of my parents, or even mum and dads, it feels disrespectful, wrong and it's like I trip over it, it's forced and not what I want to say.