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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how much more I can take?

55 replies

HorribleDay · 31/12/2011 19:40

2012 has been pretty rough, as has Christmas (another moany thread here...

My mum has just called to talk about my very unwell Nan, who has dementia and is getting progressively worse. As DH and I work in Mental Health, she's leaning on us a lot for support with this. I feel like I was snappy and short with her because I'm so stressed, but didn't explain it very well so she's Not Best Pleased I think.

MIL died in July, discovered on 23rd Dec that beloved FIL has terminal cancer with not long left, at all. He is currently in hospital 4 hour round trip away.

I went to the hospital today with DS (1 year old), alone as DH working nights last night and tonight, where FIL has days, maybe a few weeks at a push left, to discovered ward has Norovirus and hence I could visit but DS couldn't enter the ward. Mananged to get nurse to watch him for 20 minutes while I went in, but FIL very upset not to be able to play with DS other than a few minutes in the hospital corridor. He wants to come home, to die basically.

Get home to very stressed DH - FIL had a trial run at home a few weeks back after being in a community hospital nursing home type thing for 3 weeks because of 'labyrinthitis' and loss of sensation in left side (that'd be the 4 bloody great secondary cancers in his brain then, thanks for that GP who did NOTHING for over 8 weeks bar admit him to nursing home - no investigations, eventual referal to ENT...). This was before we knew about cancer - trial run lasted 6 hours before he fell and hit panic alarm. Hospital knew immediately it wasn't labyrinthitis, hence scans etc and diagnosis.

DH frightened about what will happen when FIL gets home. I feel like crap because I agreed with FIL that we could try to get him home with SS and nursing support.

DH then opens his mail. To find speeding ticket (well, not ticket, but a form he has to fill in to confirm he was driving at the time. Ticket, fine, points etc to come I guess??).

He's now gone to work. DS in bed (thankfully asleep). I am crying. And can't stop. My head is pounding. Am stuck in on my own wondering how much more I can take. But at least I have sounds of the NYE party outside at the pub to keep me company....

AIBU to open the wine now?? I have DS alone tonight and never drink when I'm on my own with him. Ease my guilt over 1 glass, please, fellow Not-Going-Out-MN's????

OP posts:
LatteLady · 31/12/2011 23:36

I am so sorry to read about your horrid year but did not want to pass by without offering you a hug. I know it sounds trite but this time next year you will be on the other side of this and you will come through it. (((hugs)))

themightyfandango · 01/01/2012 00:12

Sorry you are having such a bad time. It makes the things I am sat here worrying about seem trivial. I hope you and your family find strength to carry through this difficult time.

AlbertoFrog · 01/01/2012 00:34

Sometimes it just seems bad things keep happening, one after another. I'll never forget the year I got married. Nine people, including 3 very close family members) died, 2 funerals in one day. As I sat ripping up invitations to the recently deceased I seriously thought about cancelling my wedding as it seemed cursed somehow. 10 years on and I have a wonderful DS who to me is just a miracle. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time just now, it's awful and it's so unfair but you will get through it. Don't sweat the small stuff and don't feel guilty about drowning your sorrows. Have a glass (or 2) and take care.

golemmings · 01/01/2012 01:43

Sorry to hear 2001 has been quite so crappy for you. Where abouts is your fil? We're in Shropshire which is probably a 4 hr round trip from you. If we're in the right direction and we can help then let me know.

Original poster
HorribleDay · 01/01/2012 06:42

Morning all! Not trite at all, thank you - and worries are never trivial when they impact on you.

Albertofrog - oh my gosh that's horrendous, I can't imagine how stressful that would be :(

And thank you golemmings - he's in Cheshire at the mo, the offer is much appreciated.

DS decided to say Happy New Year at 11, 2, 3 and eventually got up at 5.05 - happy New Year from a tired but more relaxed household :-)

OP posts:
ILoveGreggsSausageRolls · 01/01/2012 08:45

Hi HorribleDay

I've just read your thread, how awful Sad.

Have you contacted the Douglas Macmillan nurses? Maybe they could help look after your DFIL at home.

Original poster
HorribleDay · 01/01/2012 09:03

It's our next port of call on tues - tho they didn't cover the area in the communty, only inpatient, when MIL died, so we had district nurses out 4 times / day minimum, particulalry in the last few days. There's also a lovely hospice but they have major bed pressures, hence MIL was at home. The Macmillan nurse on the ward were great, but haven't seen any yet this time.

Happy New Year xx

OP posts:
maddening · 01/01/2012 12:07

Can you speak to a hospice or MacMillan for support re fil coming home?
hope the wine hit the spot

maddening · 01/01/2012 12:11

Sorry should have read on, hope you find the support you need so you can spend quality time with fil in his last days

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 01/01/2012 12:19

So sorry you're having such a tough time - hope that things calm down for you all and that your FIL gets his wishes for the time he has left.

(((hugs))) for you - you sound like you need them.

Hoping that 2012 is a better year for you both, despite your coming loss. :(

Original poster
HorribleDay · 01/01/2012 17:45

Thanks both of you. Wine hit the spot temporarily, just back from hospital now. Managed toget out for a coffee with him and he had lovely playtime with DS which is all adding to the happy memories at least.

Happy New year toy both xxx

OP posts:
OldMumsy · 01/01/2012 18:19

Hi sweets, local hospice and Macmillan service should help/advise you. I send you love, it's pants but you will get through this. It will be bad but it can be got through.

corygal · 01/01/2012 18:57

You deserve wine, more wine and plenty of wine to wash it down. What a grim time - you'll both enjoy that dinner.

Original poster
HorribleDay · 02/01/2012 20:03

Thanks guys. Going to call hospice and try to get him home on Thurs with plan to admit asap. Really really sad today, he's very low, DH very stressed. Thank god for beautiful DS who is our little ray of light, cheerful fella that he is!

OP posts:
DamnDeDoubtance · 03/01/2012 12:02

I lost my lovely FIL this year and he also wanted to die at home. I stayed with him in the day and DH did nights. We had huge support from our local hospice who offered a hospice at home service.

They called three times a day to assist FIL who rapidly became bedbound. We also had an equipment nurse come out who loaned us everything we needed to adapt the home to suit his needs.

I honestly didn't think I could cope at the time and the whole process has changed me as a person. BUT I did cope and FIL died peacefully in his own home.

We also had help from Macmillan and the district nurses and local gp were amazing. This to shall pass sweetheart.

Original poster
HorribleDay · 04/01/2012 12:01

I'm stuck in two minds - I can't wait for it to pass, but that means losing beloved FIL. Hoping to get him home today or tomorrow, in process of rearranging house.

I agree it DOES change you - we nursed MIL at home 6 months ago and it was a humbling experience- frightening but also a priviledge to be there to ease the journey for DH, FIL and of course to ensure MIL was calm and not in pain.

It's just too bloody soon to lose FIL too.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. My new mantra xx

OP posts:
Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 04/01/2012 12:10

HorribleDay - I know what you mean in your first line. When we were with Mum in the ICU on her last night, there was at least one point where I thought "I wish she'd just get it over with" - but because she was in pain, despite the morphine, and because she was desperately miserable with the respirator and wanted to take it out (she couldn't, she'd have drowned) - a small part of it was because I didn't want to sit through another night watching her suffer, but most of it was because I didn't want her to be suffering, iyswim.
I didn't want her to die but since she wasn't going to get any better at all, then dying quickly was her best option. :(

Original poster
HorribleDay · 04/01/2012 12:18

Absolutely understandable. It's the suffering that is so bloody hard to watch. Some days FIL is quite chipper, others he's asking to be euthanised as he can't bear it. ESP having watched his DW die painfully and slowly of the exact same disease 6 months ago (tho MIL didn't have metastases in the brain, FIL does). He's terrified.

All the bereavement this year is playing havoc with my subconscious too - I'm having Horrific dreams where DH and/or DS die. DH is 20 years my senior which has never been an issue but is suddenly Massive in my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
HorribleDay · 04/01/2012 12:18

And so so sorry for your loss xx

OP posts:
Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 04/01/2012 12:27

Oh horribleday, that's so sad - he must be terrified, indeed. :( And I'm not surprised you're having bad dreams either - you could try taking some Rescue Remedy before you go to sleep, it might help. It got Dad and me through the whole business with Mum (he's a complete sceptic but even he admitted it helped!)

Mum died 4 1/2y ago now but I still remember it like yesterday.

Original poster
HorribleDay · 04/01/2012 17:36

Have some Kalms in the cupboard which I may try tonight when DH is home and can look after DS. He's at the hospital dealing with the nurses who seem to be fairly horrible towards FIL's abilities - he needs a care package and Macmillan support (given that he has acute vertigo and struggles with any activities of daily living, and is errr dying) - their response was a very dismissive 'He's independant on the ward, of course he doesn't need any thing like that when at home' .... errr, all he has to do on the ward is walk to the toilet, 5 steps away - v different to cooking for himself, washing etc.

All along they've had quite a 'he needs to do things for himself, if we do it it's too easy' which strikes me as daft for someone who rehab is not an option. And I say that as someone who trains nurses!!!

OP posts:
Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 04/01/2012 23:17

Good grief!! How awful and inconsiderate to a dying man! :( Are they actually aware of the extent of his condition? A word to PALS might be in order if they obstruct the Macmillan care package, I think.

Original poster
HorribleDay · 04/01/2012 23:43

He very lovely ward sister was there this eve and Occ Therapy have assessed him as being high need so should all be sorted tomo. Had lovely evening when DH got home, tho DS currently wide awake! Jabs yesterday so suspect he's a bit off colour.

Trials and tribulations!

Many thanks for all the support on this and my other thread, it's really really helped and been very useful xxx

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 06/01/2012 14:54

Just checking in to see if you managed to get FIL home yesterday and how he is now? And how are you and your family? xx

RillaBlythe · 06/01/2012 15:00

Just read this thread. How are you all? UnMNetty hugs.