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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put a stop to DPs "weekends" in the new year?

50 replies

MardyGra · 31/12/2011 14:10

As we don't live together we got into this habit of seeing each other once a fortnight where either he stays at my house or I stay at his saturday to sunday. He now refers to these weekends as HIS weekends with me which was ok at first but now I'm finding it a little restrictive and irritating. It's everytime my children go to their father's house, it's "his" weekend. So when do I get time for my friends etc or even a bit of time to myself? Yes I could ask my mum to babysit on the alternate weekend but what if she says no? what if my kids don't want to spend EVERY weekend out at someone elses house? I feel my time without the kids is being totally monopolised by DP. We're going out tonight for NYE so I said to him last night this will be the last weekend out for me for a while as I'm trying to save money for the kids brthdays, a weekend away (with friends as he and I never go anywhere, sore point) and my holiday in august (again with a friend) so he was like "well we do need some nights out, on our weekends". I said I don't know if I can afford it every fortnight because sometimes I might want to go out with friends or whatever and I feel I can't do that. I also said he's free to go out with his friends whenever he wants so he said "yeah I'll go out with them when it's not our weekend." ?? ffs how bloody regimental over the weekends. I hate every weekend being set out for me like this, it's doing my head in. So he added "We don't always have to go out on our weekends, one weekend you can stay at mine and we'll stay in and get a takeaway and the next weekend the kids are at their dads I'll come to your house and we can go out". Again - every weekend planned out for me. AIBU to want to free up my weekends so I can do what I want and see who I want etc? It's not a long distance relationship, he only lives 10 minutes away and my kids are old enough to leave for a few hours (just not all night) so what's wrong with us going to cinema for orange wednesday or popping to the local on a friday night? nothing he says - but he still wants OUR WEEKENDS to remain as they are.

AIBU?? I know you'll probably all say if I liked him enough I'd want to spend every other weekend with him but christ, is every relationship so unflexible?

OP posts:

anonacfr · 31/12/2011 14:20

YANBU.

It's lovely to plan weekends, but not all of them. What if you decide to hit the sales/ a friend's in town, you're sick etc?

It's a bit worrying that when you mention the fact that he can see his friends anytime he refused to see your point and still banged on about 'your' weekends.
Basically he has all the time he wants but you get no time to yourself at all. You either have to be with your children or with your partner.
Put that way it somehow makes it rather chore-ish.

He sounds controlling TBH. Is he like that about other things too?

anonacfr · 31/12/2011 14:22

Also forgot to add the fact that he doesn't want to go anywhere is a bit worrying.
And when you mention money for your children's birthdays all he can think of are 'his' nights out. Again

EssentialFattyAcid · 31/12/2011 14:25

YANBU
A relationship is about finding an arrangement that works for both of you. If you can't find that between you then move on.

abbierhodes · 31/12/2011 14:29

He sounds selfish and controlling. Tbh, I'd get rid of him. I've been in a relationship like that and it doesn't get better.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/12/2011 14:32

I think you need to tell him this very explicitly and plainly. I can see myself getting into a habit of saying 'this is our weekend' and not realizing it was being inflexible. If you keep telling him you're busy, he may just think you don't like him any more (which is fine if you don't, but not so much if you do like him but want to change the way the relationship works).

So why not sit him down and tell him that you feel it's become a bit regimented, and what you'd really like is for him to stop planning.

TBH, unless there is quite a lot of miscommunication, he'd be annoying me too.

myncichips · 31/12/2011 14:48

Yanbu and I think LRD has a good suggestion.

Id be annoyed

squeakytoy · 31/12/2011 14:51

Seeing someone once a fortnight sounds more of a rut and a routine than a relationship.

How long have you been together? It sounds quite a while, but as though the relationship is not really going anywhere.

It doesnt sound like you are getting much out of it, and it doesnt seem like he wants to go forwards either... I would be looking at ending it if it were me.

solidgoldbrass · 31/12/2011 14:52

It's OK just to dump him, you know, or at least to do other things some weekends. You're just dating this man. You're not married to him, you don't have DC by him, he is not your owner. And you have a right to choose how you spend your free time. Though TBH he doesn't sound like that much fun anyway - you don't have to have a relationship if you are not getting much out of it.

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 31/12/2011 15:01

It sounds like you either need to see more of each other, ie move in together, or less. Tbh you don't really sound like you want to see him?

Original poster

MardyGra · 31/12/2011 15:04

He doesn't want to move in together as I have children. So we're going to be stuck like this for the foreseeable future. It annoys me, I have to dedicate every minute of "my" child free time for him yet the times I need company the most (Christmas day, holidays etc) I simply get the odd text off him and nothing more. I just feel that if he can't make any kind of commitment to this then I don't see why I should dedicate every child-free weekend for him.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2011 15:05

Just tell him you have other plans when it gets to the weekend without your dc and will see him in the week if he wants - for a trip to the pictures or a drink out.

Katisha · 31/12/2011 15:06

Can't see any future in a relationship with someone who seems to need to pretend that your children don't exist when he is with you.

Original poster

MardyGra · 31/12/2011 15:07

that's the thing ivy, I tried that and he still insists on coming to my house on "his" weekends, even if I have plans. Even if I'm going out and getting in at 2am he says he'll come at 2am if I "really have to go out". He's obsessed with sticking to these weekends almost as if it's his "right" to see me on them.

OP posts:

Katisha · 31/12/2011 15:08

Imagine you have finished this relationship - does that feel like a relief?

Original poster

MardyGra · 31/12/2011 15:09

Yes Kat - it's actually a very relaxing thought

OP posts:

Katisha · 31/12/2011 15:10

I think you have your answer then! New Year - new start and all that! OUt with the old!

DoMeDon · 31/12/2011 15:15

YANBU - you need to be assertive here. No is a complete sentance and all that - as SGB said - he is not your owner. he is meant to be a partner - partners make mutually beneficial arrangments. Sometimes you compromise to make the other happy - we all do -that's kind and loving but not ALL the time and not if it makes you unhappy. there is no give and take here - just take by him.

prettyfly1 · 31/12/2011 15:16

You just arent that into him from the sounds of it - perhaps a new year on your own to have some fun and independence for a bit is in order?

skrumle · 31/12/2011 15:22

i was slightly on his side (as in, if you don't want to see him at least every other weekend then why be with him) until you said that he wasn't available to see you at christmas/holidays - WTF?

that does make it sound like he expects his guaranteed shag rather than really wanting to spend time with you. and it is kind of controlling to insist on coming to your house even though you're going out...

katisha's right - out with the old! you've got 8.5 hours to get him dumped before the new year starts ;)

solidgoldbrass · 31/12/2011 15:25

Definitely bin him. And, sorry to sound like the voice of doom but you might have to get very assertive - I really don't like the sound of him insisting on turning up at 2am, presumably in order to have sex on you. I would advise changing the locks as soon as you have told him he's dumped (no need to be rude at first, just say the relationship isn't working for you, you wish him well, thanks and goodbye. There is no need for further discussion.) Everyone is entitled to end a relationship at any time for any reason and, unless you have DC in common or finances to separate, to refuse any further contact with the dumped person.

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2011 15:38

Erh yes coming to your house at 2am in the morning - or whatever time you get home is a bit obsessive to say the least.

Screams all sorts of things, one being he is insecure in himself which is probably why he needs routine routine routine and doesn't like change

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/12/2011 15:51

SGB is right. Sorry, it really sounds as if you're getting very little out of this. Lots of people would find someone insisting on turning up at 2am controlling and weird - you're adults, you presumably both have things to do and expecting to disrupt someone's sleep is just getting ridiculous.

squeakytoy · 31/12/2011 15:56

What does he do for the rest of the two weeks when he isnt seeing you?

He sounds like a controlling tosser actually. Ditch him, and get out with your mates when you have child free weekends. You will have much more fun, and probably meet a decent bloke who will be interested in you, and in your life.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 31/12/2011 15:59

bleeugghh, what a strange man

bin him, OP

StewieGriffinsMom · 31/12/2011 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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