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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Two cold potatoes and nothing else...AIBU?

70 replies

TheCokeMachine · 30/12/2011 21:56

We have a 9 week old baby, I've been out three times alone since she was born, once for a night with friends, once for a haircut and today to meet a friend at her place for a couple of hours this evening.

I normally do all housework, baby stuff, pet stuff, shopping and everything - I also contribute half to all of the household outgoings despite being on maternity leave and having reduced earnings (just setting the scene here so no drip feed!).

I would never ever not make a meal for all of us every evening...and he even gets to sleep in a seperate room so the baby doesn't wake him at night as he has a stressful job and is a light sleeper.

Today I went to a friends house at 4pm, hubby offered to look after the baby so I could have some time off as he's on annual leave. I stayed with friend until 7pm, drank some wine and then called hubby and offered to pick up a takeaway on the way home...he said no because he would cook what was in the fridge (a ready meal for two and a bottle of Cava). So I say cool, I'll be home within the hour for dinner, see you soon...

I get home just over an hour later, the house is a tip, the babies bottles have not been sterislised/made up and all that is left of the ready meal is two tiny cold potatoes in a foil tray. The Cava is still intact thank fuck!!

Now he says he thought I was at a restaurant without him and didn't have time to cook dinner for me or make the babies bottles for the night. I'm bloody furious, should I just drink the Cava, get drunk and verbally abuse him and let him look after the baby all night. Or should I just post this in relationships and get a fucking divorce before I even ask.

I'm furuious - even a cheese toastie would have been ok, but to come home to two cold potatoes...wtf? He's gone to bed and took the baby with him. AIBU to neck the Cava and gob off like a fish wife on Mumsnet?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheCokeMachine · 31/12/2011 00:13

I relented and made two bottles for the babies night feed and put them in the fridge, but I'm going in the back bedroom with my two dogs and my kindle - the door will be locked.

DH can deal with baby tonight unless there is an emergency. It's about time he did a nightshift.

The pizza was lush and the leftovers are hidden at the very back of the fridge - cold pizza for breakfast.

Night, night all, I feel better already!

OP posts:

Maryz · 31/12/2011 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madasa · 31/12/2011 09:15

YABU to want to drink Cava in the first place......apart from that YANBU

Grumpla · 31/12/2011 09:18

I want cold pizza for breakfast.
And cava.

bochead · 31/12/2011 09:30

Get a slow cooker. It's a clinical necessity for all new Mums imho to the point where if a mate doesn't own one when she gives birth I go get her one!.
You can normally get one for a tenner in argos at sale time.

Shove meat and veg in at brekkie time and slow cooker on low & wow! from lunch time onwards constant HOT dinner is ready to eat whenever you and baby are. Perfect for workng Mums, single Mums, (can get dnner on when t suits you eg when babe is napping), tired Mums and Mums with daft partners.

You now officially KNOW the man is dumb so use a slow cooker or keep a supply of pingable ready meals in the freezer for future excursions.

The money is a seperate issue - the two of you do need to sit down and discuss what % of income you wach contribute or you'll get resentful over time if you are constantly scrimping to buy sanitary towels and baby things and your partner is splurging on himself. Lots of couples split up over money so get it resolved now before your resentment builds.

Goolash · 31/12/2011 09:50

Get a slow cooker if you want one but do not do it to avoid situations such as this, or this will be your life. I dont know what was going on his brain.

Haziedoll · 31/12/2011 10:26

Giving him the benefit of doubt perhaps he really did think you were at a restaurant?

Flisspaps · 31/12/2011 10:33

bochead but why should the OP assume responsibility for all meals by buying a slow cooker so that she can bung things in, so there's a hot tasty meal available?

Her DH isn't dumb, if he's capable of caring for a small child for a few hours, then he's capable of being able to offer to make up a quick meal for the OP when he realises that HE has misunderstood and eaten all the food in the house! Treating men like silly boys who can't even manage household basics, poor lambs, is not the way forward.

I don't think the OP mentioned DH splurging on himself and her having to scrimp for basics though just that she still contributed 50% to the general household running costs when on maternity leave>

Haziedoll · 31/12/2011 10:42

Maybe they didn't have anything in the house to make a meal with, it doesn't sound that way.

If it was a genuine misunderstanding why would it automatically be the dh's job to prepare a meal for the op?

Flisspaps · 31/12/2011 11:04

Because he told her not to bother bringing back a takeaway when she asked if she should because he'd cook the ready meal, and then proceeded to eat almost the entire ready meal, leaving the OP with out of date prawns and two cold spuds

When he realised the takeaway would have been for both of them and not just him, he should have admitted he misunderstood what she was doing, and offered to get her a takeaway in.

She shouldn't be advised to buy a slow cooker because her husband is clearly 'dumb'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2011 11:07

OP... Hope you enjoyed your pizza.

I've often picked up a takeaway for my husband on my way home from a night out at a restaurant with friends. Was your husband under the impression that you'd been to a restaurant? If so, you're overreacting a bit.

habbibu · 31/12/2011 11:09

Oh, that might make sense, Lying - the DH thought that she was offering just for him, not both of them?

Goolash · 31/12/2011 11:16

Well it's very possible that he did think she was at a restaurant, or he could have scoffed too much and tried to come up with a justification Seeing as he "didn't have time to cook" and "thought she was at a restaurant". The two just don't sit in the same conversation. Given their previous verbal exchanges it's hard to understand why he'd think she was at a restaurant. Unless his default mind set is that she provides food. She does the bottles for the baby, so he does not need to even think of this. He heard the phrase get a takeaway, so he assumes she's having a nice time feeding herself and is worried that he won't be fed.

MrsWhitaker · 31/12/2011 11:25

She does say in her OP that she will be home for dinner within the hour!

natation · 31/12/2011 11:25

Sorry I cannot see what the fuss is about - on your account, you hubby has done more sharing of child care in 9 weeks than mine did in 5 years. The first time I went out without baby was 12 months after birth (and I'm not complaining)!

KeepInMindItsChristmas · 31/12/2011 11:25

Leave the bastard

No really do not make any food for him for the next week or do any thing to help him

Dillydaydreaming · 31/12/2011 11:31

Responsibilities aside - I second the slow cooker idea - lovely lovely smells within a few hours - just make sure he leaves you some of it.

Firawla · 31/12/2011 11:32

It's out of order for him to leave you with no food in the house as you have quite recently given birth so obviously will need to eat, and even if that was not the case its not considerate for him to leave you to starve. However, it sounds as though he does quite a lot imo, as you have left baby with him a few times while still only young and maybe he did really think you went to a restaurant so if that was a genuine misunderstanding then it's not too bad. It is quite possible he thought you're just offering the take away for him and thats why he said he will just have the ready meal, but talk to him about it so he doesn't do the same mistake again. You got to eat something in the end so it has worked out alright..
I don't see what is wrong with the slow cooker advice! Okay so if op buys a slow cooker she may be still mainly responsible for cooking meals using the slow cooker, but that is fairly normal and maybe not such a big deal as some people on mn make out? Another suggestion along the slowcooker lines is to try to have the freezer and cupboards stocked more so if you have these kind of misunderstandings in future atleast there is something to quickly make once you get back in, as I doubt you would have felt that pissed off if you could just quickly make something for yourself from food that you had in the house.

gottagetanewcalender · 31/12/2011 11:43

Firawala- as long as cooking the meals only falls to the OP when she isn't working and as to him doing alot because he has cared for his baby a few times since he was born, well you have got that one wrong, tbh.

Goolash · 31/12/2011 11:58

There's nothing wrong with slow cookers to make life easier, it is not a solution so a dp doesn't have to consider or plan for something. Where does it stop? Oh I'm going out for a few hours and don't want to come back to a mess, I better spring clean before I go, the sod the clearing when Inget back, I'll pick up everyone's shit tomorrow. They're older, you go away for the weekend, so the kids homework gets done you organise them to do it before you go. Perish the thought poor dp may think about it and help do their reading.

Haziedoll · 31/12/2011 12:07

But it sounds as if this was a complete misunderstanding so slow cooker irrelevant.

I've been in a similar situation I could have swore blind that dh said there was food at a work thing he was at but there wasn't and when he got home the cupboards were bare so he got himself a takeaway like the op because they are adults and capable of doing that. I didn't think "oh no I must runaround after him and make him a homecooked meal" but I'm getting the impression from some of these responses that posters expect the op's dh to do just that.

AmberLeaf · 31/12/2011 12:07

However, it sounds as though he does quite a lot imo, as you have left baby with him a few times while still only young

Seriously ? 3 times in 9 weeks is 'a lot' ?

Dont forget its his baby too, so hes hardly doing her a favour jeeez!

bochead · 31/12/2011 12:22

I'm a lone parent so perhaps don't "get" sharing home responsiblities cos it's always been on my head, hence the slow cooker idea. The ex doesn't understand why his son expects a chrimbo pressie from him (I forgot to remind him ths year so ds went without!). He's AS so obvious stuff like others being hungry doesn't always occur to him. (and isn't why we split, it's just how he is). Doesn't make him a bad person - just "dumb" whn it comes to considering the most obvious wants/needs of others sometimes.

Guess you just get so used to your "own" reality that it becomes normal so it was interesting to get other's perspective ; ) Sorry to those "happily married" I offended with the slow cooker idea.

I have from an outsiders viewpoint though seen perceived inequalities aout money wreck the relationship of several young familes and it's sad as it seems to creep up over time till the resentment overspills. It seemed your fridge was empty though - worrying for a young family. Perhaps he could help by doing the odd online grocery shop (inc a few oven pizzas and ready meals) with his "extra" disposable income from working while you are on maternity leave. I'm always very insecure with an empty pantry - what happens if you come down with flu for a week with a young baby & still recovering from giving birth?

natation · 31/12/2011 13:33

Yes 3 times in 9 weeks being left on your own with a baby IS a lot, that's being out for a few hours, not inside the house. It never occurred to me to leave any of our babies under a year old with hubby, he is lacking in one area! Ok he is lacking in many areas!!!!

HowlingBitch · 31/12/2011 13:50

Really? I mean... Really? Why procreate with someone so "lacking"?

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