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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this just the way it is when you are a mum or is it that I am surrounded by boys?

41 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 30/12/2011 21:07

Its my birthday today.....not that you would notice anything different about today. DH didn't get me anything - he says because WE are pulling our belts in. We are but still not even a bunch of flowers??!! I did get a home made card....made this morning while I was in the shower......which was then thrown at me my DS1.

Ds1 (4) has been a PITA all day, worn out naughty step by 10am so we spent all day in the soft play to let him give off steam.

I did have a nice evening with my mum and sister who made a real effort so I wonder is life with my boys always going to be like this?

I do really feel like a servant in my own home. I seem to follow everyone around picking up all their bits and pieces, dinner, washing etc etc are all sorted by the fairies it seems, I never get a thank you.

Ahhhhhhhh and now I am a year older to make it worse! :(

OP posts:

FourEyesGood · 30/12/2011 21:09

I got you a big bag of self pity. Happy birthday!

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 21:09

I have girls but DH has always made a fuss of me on my birthday.

Put a marker down that you aren't happy and expect better or this is what you get every year. Belt tightening doesn't mean no breakfast in bed, flowers, being treated like a queen. Arse. I'm annoyed with him for you!

Chubfuddler · 30/12/2011 21:11

My four year old son puts his own dirty clothes in the wash basket, puts cups in the dishwasher, pours himself water. There is no reason for you to be a dogsbody.

lukewarmMulledWhine · 30/12/2011 21:12

Dh wouldn't even be standing if he'd tried to pull that on me! Read him the act. This is only your life if you let it be.

(don't see what your ds has to do with it, he's only 4?)

Chubfuddler · 30/12/2011 21:15

And why don't they say thank you? Make them. If ds says "can I have a snack?" I say "can I have a snack what do you say?" And he says "please".

You haven't just woken up with three people in the house taking you for granted. This should have been nipped in the bud.

MsEltoeNWhine · 30/12/2011 21:16

SO why do you do all these things? If it's unfair, change it.

You're not a servant and it's nothing to do with having sons and everything to do with the situation you've all allowed to develop where you do everything.

Happy birthday. Go and buy yourself a bunch of flowers, or simply reschedule your birthday for next week and explain to them all what you would like to happen. And celebrate their birthdays with them in the way they would like in turn.

ABumDance · 30/12/2011 21:17

Happy Birthday Mary Poppins!!!!
I think your husband could have organised an awful lot of 'free' birthday presents for you... breakfast in bed, sorting lunch for the children and making yours, doing dinner, any smelly nappies or doing bath and bedtime for the children, if he couldn't to spend anything that is fine but he should have made an effort to show you he acknowledged your celebration and that he wanted to do something. The home made card from your son is lovely!! Much better than anything Clintons could ever sell! Maybe as your children get older they will learn from you that it is not the present that matters but what it means to the individual receiving the gift. If he had taken all of the childcare today you could have pampered yourself (if that is your thing) or read a book. I'd mention it to him light hearted or not, I don't think it is fair.

jubilee10 · 30/12/2011 21:18

I too am surrounded by boys. Even the dog is a dog and, yes, things are pretty much as you describe. That said, all my friends with teenaged girls are now having terrible "hormone problems". They have endless shouting matches, boys, staying out late, etc. My teenagers are no problem, messy but kind and friendly so perhaps we have it easiest in the long term.

As for the toilet floor ----

Lindax · 30/12/2011 21:22

Happy birthday!!! mine was on the 27th, horrible time of year to have a birthday as everyone is so busy with Xmas and new year. dh is also not into birthdays which doesnt really bother me as my birthday was not greatly celebrated as a child so I am used to it, but I make sure he makes an effort to help ds give me small something (anything) as I want him to have the manners to give presents to everyone nicely (unlike dh!).

So I dont get much, but I got a lovely homemade card from ds with £20 in to spend (dh couldnt get to shops this year as working a lot on run up to Xmas so dont mind).

I always make sure I look at the homemade card together with ds (now 7)and comment on bits of the design I like/the picture/handwriting so he sees I love them and appreciate the effort he put in. I really look forward to getting his card now as he is now (took a couple of years) sooooo keen to show me this years handy work - best pressie ever.

Glad your mum and sister made a fuss of you, my ex-SIL and dniece took me out for a nice lunch too!

SmethwickBelle · 30/12/2011 21:24

I have two (small) boys 2 and 4 and I get a card and present "from them" and another from DH (obv given their tender years he stage manages theirs), and a mere fortnight ago I got a cake with candles, balloons and presents. And he did the donkey work on the day in terms of childcare and anything else I wanted on the day.

So no it is not a given to have no treats - tell your husband these things are important to you, he may not realise. If he disagrees, be emphatic. Specific. Insistent even. And happy birthday x

welliesandpyjamas · 30/12/2011 21:25

Giggle at jubilee's dog dog

surrounded by boys here and admit it is easy to take the 'easy' option and do stuff yourself (quicker, better) but I do try and impose an air of 'who do you think I am!' if sloppy laziness is shown by any of them. I try and spread out easier tasks so that the boys learn to do things themselves (like hoovering, dishwasher loading/unloading,laundry sorting etc).

Happy birthday! Announce yourself a day off alone next week.

Almostfifty · 30/12/2011 21:27

I am the same, my birthday is the 27th and I have four boys and a husband who doesn't get birthdays, as he couldn't care less about his.

He does try, but it doesn't happen. I know though, that it's not cos he doesn't care, so I just accept it nowadays. I get plenty of love and hugs.

As to the picking up, just ensure when they're old enough, that they put their stuff in the dishwasher, then as they get older, they tidy up after dinner. I can't stress how much I enjoy not having to clear up at night!

Whatmeworry · 30/12/2011 22:45

DH job is to mark your birthday and make sure the kids do too. What do you do for DH birthday btw?

fireandthefury · 30/12/2011 22:46

I spend all day picking up after everyone and I have two girls. So don't think it's a boy thing.

Happy birthday though!

jasper · 30/12/2011 22:51

Aw, happy birthday!

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 30/12/2011 22:59

Thanks all. Well they have 364 days to work on next years birthday!
For DH I did home made cards, special dinner, tickets to festival of speed.

OP posts:

MogTheForgetfulCat · 30/12/2011 23:02

You should have stayed out later with your mum and sister if you were having a nice time!
Don't allow having boys be an excuse for any kind of unacceptable behaviour - I have 3 (and a DH, although he is a man and not a boy, thank god) and wouldn't have any truck with any of that. Your DH should be making an occasion of your birthday - surely he could have bought a bunch of flowers and helped the boys to make you a cake, or brekker in bed?? Don't allow yourself to become a dogsbody!

skybluepearl · 31/12/2011 00:06

don't do anything for them unless they attach a please or thankyou to the sentence.

I also think there are a lot of nice things he could have done - free stuff. Romantic meal in etc ..

ClaraSage · 31/12/2011 00:40

I have 3 sons and one DH and have had breakfast in bed every day this week.
It's nothing to do with gender, it's how you raise them.
Happy Birthday!

TroublesomeEx · 31/12/2011 07:53

YABU for "or is it that I am surrounded by boys?" What's boys got to do with it? It is absolutely nothing to do with gender and absolutely everything to do with how they are raised.

are you one of these enabler martyrs who does everything and says "well I'm the only woman in the house, what do you expect?"

but Happy Birthday anyway.

deemented · 31/12/2011 07:55

Manshape forgot my birthday last year. I wasn't impressed given that he remembered DS3's birthday and it's on the same day!!!

CailinDana · 31/12/2011 08:04

Happy Birthday :)

Don't put up with it. It's absolute law in this house that on our birthdays or shortly thereafter DH and I get an entire day off. My last birthday DH took me out for dinner and the following Saturday I stayed in bed for the entire day while DH looked after DS and waited on me hand and foot. It was bliss.

Was your DH working? If he was at home all day then I don't see why you didn't just hand the kids over to him and head off back to bed.

Pagwatch · 31/12/2011 08:18

It is nothing to do with their being boys. It makes me so irritated that people say that.

I had just me, dh and two boys for 10 years before dd turned up. They have always bought me gifts and made cards and bought or even made a cake. Ds1 made truffles for me last year.
He has made cards, chocolates for his girlfriend and always gets gorgeous gifts for her birthday and their anniversary.

If you dh is quacking any empathy - because it is either laziness or lack of empathy, then make sure you are teaching your boys.
When a birthday is approaching take them out, talk to them about their sibling or dad or gran or whoever and get them to think about what that person would like. Ask them what they feel like opening a nice present - what would make the person feel like that.
Do this every opportunity and they will learn it. And maybe not give some future girlfriend or wife a shit birthday.

And tell your dh exactly how you feel instead of keeping quiet. That his lack of thought feels shit.

Pagwatch · 31/12/2011 08:19

Hahaha. Quacking empathy.

lacking empathy.

deemented · 31/12/2011 08:21

@ pag quacking

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