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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this just the way it is when you are a mum or is it that I am surrounded by boys?

41 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 30/12/2011 21:07

Its my birthday today.....not that you would notice anything different about today. DH didn't get me anything - he says because WE are pulling our belts in. We are but still not even a bunch of flowers??!! I did get a home made card....made this morning while I was in the shower......which was then thrown at me my DS1.

Ds1 (4) has been a PITA all day, worn out naughty step by 10am so we spent all day in the soft play to let him give off steam.

I did have a nice evening with my mum and sister who made a real effort so I wonder is life with my boys always going to be like this?

I do really feel like a servant in my own home. I seem to follow everyone around picking up all their bits and pieces, dinner, washing etc etc are all sorted by the fairies it seems, I never get a thank you.

Ahhhhhhhh and now I am a year older to make it worse! :(

OP posts:

JosieZ · 31/12/2011 08:22

I assume you are a SAHM - I would look into finding a part time job. Then you can pay someone else to pick up after them.

Also might shake OH and DCs into being a bit more appreciative.

Also gives you some money to spend on yourself.

I don't think there is a magic formula to making DCs help at home except being insistant and consistent which is more wearing for you than for them.

Pagwatch · 31/12/2011 08:26

yes. Sorry op. But it made me laugh too.

Happy birthday. Go out for an hour. Start again next year expecting respect. Don't forget otherwise you are just perpetuating the problem.
It is a whole new year tomorrow

kaylathecat · 31/12/2011 09:24

tryingtobemarypoppins2 be warned! You'll continue to be a servant if you keep putting yourself in that role.

I haven't done a great job of training my DSs (15 and 17) and my DD (19 and home from uni, where she seems to survive quite nicely) to clear up after themselves. I took the easy option and did most of it for them. Now I have decided (perhaps unfairly) that I'm not doing it anymore.

Since Christmas Eve I haven't picked up after them or done their washing. The consequence is that the kitchen has every surface covered in dirty plates and pans and packaging (they do cook for themselves) as they seem not to acknowledge that opening the bin or the dishwasher, and popping things in, would clear the mess in a few minutes. We haven't got to the stage (yet) where mould is growing or a family of rats have moved in.

Their bedroom floors are covered with dirty clothes, but they have enough to wear for the moment, and seem to be making do with wet towels to dry themselves with after showers (they do wash, I wasn't totally neglectful in my training of them). Where my DSs sit and play Xbox etc is littered with plates and crisp packets.

I'm not in the least bit emotional about this, as I may have been years ago, and don't care if visitors see our (their) squalor. Its strangely liberating!

EdithWeston · 31/12/2011 09:33

If your eldest is 4, then it's really unlikely that they will spontaneously remember your birthday or think of something nice to do for it. This is age, not gender.

The problem lies with DH, and YANBU the be disappointed that he has not carried out a role which falls to him, which is to mark your birthday and to ensure your children mark it too.

If you want to change this, you need to talk to him about it. Tell him about your disappointment, and what sorts of things you would prefer. Tell him - and this bit is important -that what you are saying that day about this birthday is a reflection of what has just happened, not an immutable list to be done to the letter every year. Tell him that what is needed is thought - someone to stop and think about what would be appreciated; it needn't be expensive (best things often aren't), but something that will for a few hours at least leave you feeling like the best mother/wife/woman in the world.

LeQueen · 31/12/2011 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 31/12/2011 09:39

Is it actually more about you having your birthday on an utterly shite day of the year?

Ain't about boys or girls and agree, get them all a-helpin' and respectin' more.

(and tee hee @ quacking!!)

3WiseBoys · 31/12/2011 10:01

No, it's not the living in a house of males thing. I have a DH and three sins. I always have a fuss made of me on my birthday, nice presents, DH cooks a nice dinner if we don't go out.

Maybe it is the rubbish time of year? Although, I'd still be pissed off.

I'd stop being their slave too. DH does 50% of housework/cooking etc. My middle son picks up after himself, puts stuff away, his pots in the sink etc. The other two don't but only because DS1 has severe SN and DS3 is just a baby so I am a bit of a dogsbody to those two.

3WiseBoys · 31/12/2011 10:02

Sons, obv. Although sins could be an accurate description too!

GlueSticksEverywhere · 31/12/2011 10:07

kaylathecat Good for you!

lljkk · 31/12/2011 10:11

It's typical for 4yo, ime, sorry. Your DH, urk, hard to say. I have issues about my own birthday, would be delighted if I never even knew what day it was, & don't really get people making huge deal out of them, DH otoh, I think maybe he expects the whole world to stop & revolve around him. I send him away to his mother's for his birthday every year now, I just can't get the whole family to make it into His event.

MamaChocoholic · 31/12/2011 10:14

ds1 is nearly 4. he makes his bed every morning, puts away his plate and cup after dinner, and helps with tidying. none of these things are his idea - he has been trained! it's up to you if you want to train them to help or just keep picking up after them.

your dh not making a fuss on your birthday is just rubbish though. sorry. glad you had some nice time with your mum and sister.

SardineQueen · 31/12/2011 10:29

YABU if you are including your DH as one of your "boys" who you pick up after. I hope I have misread the OP.

ClaraSage · 31/12/2011 11:56

But OP , why assume a 4 year old girl would remember your birthday? A girl is a child same as a boy is. They are not genetically programmed to pick up after themselves and remember birthdays !

exoticfruits · 31/12/2011 17:36

It is absolutely nothing to do with boys! I have 3 and a DS. They are lovely with presents-have been since little.
They will be dreadful if you let them.
Make it the New Year Resolution in the house. Sit down tomorrow with them and tell them that you are no longer general dogsbody and there are new rules.
Keep them simple but get down your main ones.

PeneloPeePitstop · 31/12/2011 17:40

Absolutely no excuse having a Y chromosome for rudeness.
Don't respond unless you are asked politely for things.
As for DH, what's good for the goose and all that....

bananatrifle · 31/12/2011 18:04

I have 3 ds's and 1 dd. The dd is incredibly, amazingly, terribly untidy. To the point of needing to call in a contract cleaner to her room. She's in her late teens but when she was younger she pretty much displayed symptoms of OCD. God knows what happened in between.

Two of my boys are really tidy, the other one not so. Gender doesn't seem to have made any stereo typical assumptions there.

I know I made a rod for my own back by not giving each of them a particular role in the house in the past (apart from the washing/wiping up/putting away rota and I always made sure they put their clean clothes away) and I wish I had been less busy really to give them some jobs at an earlier age to instil the 'all hands on deck approach'.

Anyway, Happy Birthday and I would go with the earlier suggestion of rescheduling your birthday for a day next week - don't leave it til next year, it'll be the same again.

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