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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming with DH about all of this?

32 replies

SlippersAndTurkishDelight · 30/12/2011 11:47

I've namechanged as my DH knows I am a member on here.

My DH has always been reckless with spending. A few years ago we were in over 20k worth of debt because of his spending. He doesn't do budgets or watching the pennies at all. We managed to get it sorted via a consolidation loan, and I felt that we really got back on track with money. DH's spending got a lot better. We decided not to use credit cards again and to just keep one each for emergency use.

Recently I discovered he had run up debts of over 1k on a credit card. I tackled him about it and he basically said "oh well it'll pay itself off". Well yes, in about 15 years time with minimum payments it might. But we'd agreed not to have any debt. He was very blase about it and wouldn't discuss it at all, or how he accrued the debt (I think it was buying things for his hobby, I don't for one minute think he's had/having an affair).

In recent months I've really worked hard at budgetting and we've managed to get some savings behind us. The plan was that we would try to save to have some money in the bank for emergencies or in case DH lost his job or anything like that.

Now he's been done for a motoring offence, and has to go to court. This will entail a fine, and possibly a driving ban. If he gets a driving ban he will lose his job. Again he is being so blase about it all, wont' talk about it, or discuss what we will do if he gets a ban. He seems to think that laws and rules and spending restrictions just don't apply to him. And now every penny that we have saved is going to go on his credit card bill and his fine. It's unfair that money that we saved for family use, which is would be if it paid, for example, a broken boiler or a holiday, is all being spent by him, once again. He buries his head in the sand over things and I just don't feel that it is fair to the DC or to me.

It's as if he's more important than all of us and we just have to go along with it all.

OP posts:

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 11:51

It's just stunning that someone can have a private credit card whilst in a relationship that's symbiotic.
This is a simple case of conflicting wants and needs.
Short of demanding that he restricts his spending I can't see what you can do.

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 11:58

You can't do anything about credit cards although eventually he just won't be able to get credit (or you either). Speaking form experience he won't change either.
I'm so sorry

slavetofilofax · 30/12/2011 11:58

You can't control him or his spending unfortunately, but if he wants to keep part of his finances away from you, then you have every right to keep some of your finances away from him.

I would give him his share of the saving you have, if he contributed to them, and keep the rest in a saving account in your name only. If he didn't contribute anything to the savings, then don't give him anything out of it, just get it all put in your name. He cannot expect to go back on an agreement and then use your money to bail himself out. As for the fine he is likely to get, they will make him disclose what he earns and then give him a figure that they think it is reasonable for him to pay each month. Let him deal with that on his own, and make sure that it comes out of his spending money, not the money that he contributes to the house. Its the only way he ever has any chance of learning.

MzPixielated · 30/12/2011 11:58

dump him. sounds harsh but you cant trust him anymore and when theres no trust theres no relationship, the fact that hes been spending behind your back on a private credit card would be a deal breaker for me. this man obv. has a problem and as long as your with him he will drag you down with his debt and attitude. leave him, have your own money, take DC on holiday with it. let DH get on with it alone.

SantasENormaSnob · 30/12/2011 12:00

Get rid.

He won't change.

Selfish prick.

Original poster

SlippersAndTurkishDelight · 30/12/2011 12:00

My worry too is that he will lose his job, as then we will be well and truly screwed. he'll lose his job if he gets a ban for any longer than a week or two. I work very part time so not enough to support us if he does lose his job. He just doesn't seem to understand the severity and just says "it'll be ok", whilst I am a planner and would rather have a plan B so we know what we will do if he loses his job.

At the moment we have a joint account, all money goes in there and is ours, so to speak. I think he is just expecting to dip into the account or the savings to bail himself out.

OP posts:

slavetofilofax · 30/12/2011 12:06

I really think if you are going to stay with him you need to think about how you are going to get some financial independence. If he is spending behind your back then that's up to him, you either choose to live with it or you don't, but you have to let him know that he cannot take you and your security down with him. You need a back account in your own name at the very least. Then you can either get your wages and child benefit paid into it and have a SO into the joint account, or you can use it to start your own savings. He can't object to that after what he has done, and it is important that he sees consequences to his actions that he doesn't like.

wornoutbutstillwonderful · 30/12/2011 12:07

Does he realise how crap it is going to be if he loses his job, what is the plan b?

Xales · 30/12/2011 12:09

Every time he is bailed out and saved he has no reason to change his behavior. Why should he where are the consequences? There are none.

What are you going to do to stop this happening again and to protect yourself, your DC and the roof over your heads? Just being fuming will not stop this happening.

You cannot stop him all you can do is protect yourself. I would be moving any savings/spare money into an account he has no access to. That was you know you have something there for rent/mortgage if the worse happens.

I couldn't live like this he shows a complete lack of care or respect towards anyone but himself.

I hope you get it sorted.

Original poster

SlippersAndTurkishDelight · 30/12/2011 12:09

I totally agree about the consequences and financial independence. When he hears things he doesn't like, he threatens to leave. When he'd been caught doing the motoring offence I said that I was upset about it and that it was irresponsible and he started acting like a child having a tantrum and saying "That's it, I'm leaving". I said "Go on then, pack your stuff" and later he apologised and said he didn't mean it.

He buries his head in the sand and if he doesn't like what I'm saying he has a tantrum.

OP posts:

Original poster

SlippersAndTurkishDelight · 30/12/2011 12:11

Plan B is he will have to set up his own business and work locally, wornout. That's all I can think of really.

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 30/12/2011 12:11

I'd go one further. His salary, less his expenses, is tranferred into your private account form now on. All of your personal income goes into your account. The house is signed into your name as of now. You don't necessarily have to leave him but you do need to see a solicitor to ensure everything you need is safeguarded for the future for you and the dcs.

slavetofilofax · 30/12/2011 12:11

Unless he has done something particularly bad, I don't think they will give him a driving ban. They do realise that that can completely screw a family so I think they reserve it for the worst offences.

Floggingmolly · 30/12/2011 12:12

Is he on the same planet as the rest of us? It'll pay itself off. How does this work, then? Be very careful, with this attitude he will completely destroy his credit rating, and you will be dragged down with him. Sorry

Original poster

SlippersAndTurkishDelight · 30/12/2011 12:12

That's reassuring to know, slavetofilofax. I have my fingers tightly crossed that he won't get a ban.

OP posts:

cantspel · 30/12/2011 12:14

whats he up in court for? And how likely is the driving ban?

pooka · 30/12/2011 12:15

What motoring offence?

Xales · 30/12/2011 12:15

I have my fingers tightly crossed that he won't get a ban. That is fine if it happens and you get lucky this time

What about next time, the time after and the time after?

Unfortunately you can't bury your head in the sand, tantrum or not you have to do something

TheMonster · 30/12/2011 12:16

As someone who is worse that your DH with cash and spending, I say you only live once.

SuePurblybilt · 30/12/2011 12:17

You don't get a ban for speeding/parking badly, do you?
Is is drink-driving/dangerous driving? Cos with that on top, I'd have had enough of him.

slavetofilofax · 30/12/2011 12:18

What did he do?

I had to go on a careless driving course once, and dh has done the speeding one. We both really enjoyed them and learned a lot! I got fined too, and they did make me give them a breakdown of my incomings and outgoings on the day I was in court, so it might be a good idea for your dh to have a good idea of what all your outgoings are before the day. Especially if he just lets you deal with it all, because he will need to know.

Gonzo33 · 30/12/2011 12:19

OP I could have written this about my exh. I left him a long time ago (am now remarried). I did not leave him entirely because he spent money like water, but it was one of the reasons. When I left I ended up paying off 40k of his debt, and taking a 7k loan of his with me. We had a joint account only.

I am not saying you should leave your husband because of this, that is entirely up to you. However, should you continue I would suggest keeping your finances separate. Both of you should maybe have sole accounts that you are paid into and both of you should send the joint account a set amount every month to cover the bills. Obviously if you are working "very" part time then your husband should contribute the most money.

My current husband had similar issues with his exp in relation to money, so we both agreed we would be paid into our sole accounts and opened a joint to pay the bills. This has worked very well so far. We both leave ourselves a little pocket money every month so to speak for birthday presents for each other and such like. Any other presents or familial expenditure come out of the joint savings.

I don't know if I have helped at all, but I do hope you get this resolved.

Also in relation to the ban, is your husband going to make a plea? My exh plead that he would lose his livelihood and they allowed him to keep his license for a higher fee the first time.

randommoment · 30/12/2011 12:19

Banks are open right now. Have you opened a personal account in your name only yet?

CailinDana · 30/12/2011 12:21

He isn't going to change, so you need to decide whether you can put up with this for the rest of your life. He sounds incredibly immature, particularly now you've mentioned the tantrum thing. For him to threaten to leave because you want to talk about your legitimate worries is very cruel.

I think you need to protect yourself from him. He is damaging your financial security and could prevent you getting credit in the long run. At some point you could find yourself bankrupt because of him.

I know it's easy for all of us here to say leave him, but in the long run I do think you'd be better off without him. He seems like a huge source of stress to you and he doesn't want to share the responsibility of running a family with you so he doesn't seem to contribute much on the face of it.

What do you think you'd like to do?

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 12:22

you are married - you cannot keep finances separate. He legally has a claim over any savings set up in your name if you divorce and credit cards can claim money off joint assets for any credit cards he runs.

He will ruin you financially eventually. If you stay together you must divorce if you want any kind of financial protection

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