To be fuming with DH about all of this?

[SlippersAndTurkishDelight]

I've namechanged as my DH knows I am a member on here.

My DH has always been reckless with spending. A few years ago we were in over 20k worth of debt because of his spending. He doesn't do budgets or watching the pennies at all. We managed to get it sorted via a consolidation loan, and I felt that we really got back on track with money. DH's spending got a lot better. We decided not to use credit cards again and to just keep one each for emergency use.

Recently I discovered he had run up debts of over 1k on a credit card. I tackled him about it and he basically said "oh well it'll pay itself off". Well yes, in about 15 years time with minimum payments it might. But we'd agreed not to have any debt. He was very blase about it and wouldn't discuss it at all, or how he accrued the debt (I think it was buying things for his hobby, I don't for one minute think he's had/having an affair).

In recent months I've really worked hard at budgetting and we've managed to get some savings behind us. The plan was that we would try to save to have some money in the bank for emergencies or in case DH lost his job or anything like that.

Now he's been done for a motoring offence, and has to go to court. This will entail a fine, and possibly a driving ban. If he gets a driving ban he will lose his job. Again he is being so blase about it all, wont' talk about it, or discuss what we will do if he gets a ban. He seems to think that laws and rules and spending restrictions just don't apply to him. And now every penny that we have saved is going to go on his credit card bill and his fine. It's unfair that money that we saved for family use, which is would be if it paid, for example, a broken boiler or a holiday, is all being spent by him, once again. He buries his head in the sand over things and I just don't feel that it is fair to the DC or to me.

It's as if he's more important than all of us and we just have to go along with it all.

Thanks everyone. The replies and viewpoints are all much appreciated.

I really don't know what I want to do at this moment in time, my head just feels so messed up at the moment. On the whole we are happy, but the selfish spending and the refusal to discuss and the tantrums sour it all for me. I know we all make mistakes but if I made a mistake that could cost us £1000, I would be horrified with myself and really upset about it, not just shrugging it off.

That's the difference between being a good and kind person and a selfish pleasure-seeking twit

I'm not surprised it sours things. It shows a complete lack of respect for you. Your DH is aware of the huge stress it causes you yet he isn't trying to reassure you, instead he is threatening you and acting like it's nothing. He is showing contempt for your feelings.

Your Husband is a worthless prick and he will never change I thin you need to take a good look at if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has no reguard for his family and behaves like a spoilt child

Agree with CailinDana.

You really need to protect yourself - he'll only be OK for credit while he is still paying his credit card. The minute he starts defaulting, you'll be branded a credit risk along with him. That means you can forget about any new credit cards, mortgages, car loans, further consolidation on anything like normal interest rates. You just won't get them.

That may be OK right now - but what about the future? Especially if it has to be without him.

If there is any chance of you staying together and making this work you have to take control of the finances. Pay off his credit card, one final time, and cut it up. Close your joint bank account and open separate accounts. That way at least you will be in control of your own money. Insist he has his earnings paid into your account. Give him a cash allowance, and insist he sticks to that spending limit.

If he doesn't agree to this, it will mean he has no intention of changing, and sadly my advice would be to prepare yourself for divorce and let him sink or swim, without you. Believe me you'll get sick and tired of him putting your family's financial security at risk, and having to bail him out with increasing, depressing regularity. You'll eventually lose all respect for him and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Take action now, while your own situation can still be salvaged.

I know we all sound harsh we all just see this ending badly with spiraling debt and your and your DC suffering.

My mother paid off her new husbands debts (more and more creeping out the woodwork) by extending her mortgage. He has now run up another £12k on the joint account and is being phoned every day by credit card companies as he hasn't made the first agreed reduced payment.

My mother has no clue what to do now.

Where is your limit?

I too have an ExP like this.

Spent money like water. Huge debts, including to family members. Very charming, though. He acted like he didn't care, and would do dickhead things like be caught speeding when he didn't have the rent money. I always seemed to be bailing him out.

Behind my back he was telling people even in my own family what 'hard work' I was.

Disassociating myself from him completely was one of the smartest things I ever did.

By the way, he did care enormously that he had fucked up, but his childlike pride wouldn't let him drop his guard. He had other issues, too. He needed a psychiatrist as much as a financial counsellor, I reckon. In the end I just stopped fighting; stopped thinking I could fix him.

He moved on to another woman and ruined her life until she saw the light. I expect she wonders where ten years of her life and money disappeared.