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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my inlaws will never be a part of our lives

32 replies

dubbada · 30/12/2011 08:08

short version of all the crap pil have dumped on me this is the worst of it

Bit of back ground info
DH and i have been together for 10 years we now and theyve never really liked me because I have a strong character and will not be bullied.

When we had 1st DC we picked 4 godparents that we thought were right for our family and my sil wasnt one of them she never showed interest in the pregnacy and we didnt really get on, now we only thought we would ever have one child. but when it was mentioned dh explained that sil lack of interest had gone against her but hoping for a second if she improved she could be in on the next one, matter reasonably dropped.

Miracle occured we fell pregnant everyone happy, Sil showed no interest in this or firstborn so we carried on. SIL lives less than 30 min away and works 20 mins away and drives past our house every day.

After disscussion with DH we decided it wasnt good for her to be godparent her lack of interest and hatered of me wasnt going to make this work.( I should let you know as an example that a couple of months after first born she emailed my hausband saying she wouldnt see firstborn because of me and that she felt sorry that for it because i was the mother!!)

So insteda of poor dh getting the brunt i wrote to her expalining that i felt it was inappropriate for her to be god parent and the reasons why.

This let off a bomb PIL took her side, dh was no longer welcome in fil house and mil didnt want us round cause she didnt want to take sides (duh) so we ingored carried on when second was born dh phoned to let them know nothing from them card gift or visit. 6 wks later mil phoned DH at work wanting to know why he hadnt brought baby round in first wk t see her.

He explained this was unreasonble, it was also noted that they wouldnt acknowledge me by avoiding phoning the house or posting anything to the house.

So we havent spoken to them trying to let the dust settle, but they have so far snubbed first borns 2nd birthday no card or gift and nothing for both dc christmas no card gift or acknowledement second born is now 7months and the have never seen her.

its been ten years shall we just accept the lack of contact, it should be noted my parents are very supportve and worship their grandchildren

OP posts:
Mrsrobertduvall · 30/12/2011 08:18

This happened to us when dd was about 6 months old...never saw inlaws again till she was 2.
No great hardship to me..was their loss...it was MiL not PiL in our case.

I wouldn't even bother with them.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 30/12/2011 08:21

Do you honestly think they would bring any positive benefit to your DC's lives? Cos it doesn't sound like it, especially if they are so down on you.

Let it go.

diddl · 30/12/2011 08:24

I wouldn´t bother with them tbh.

My own sister isn´t a Godparent to either of mine & no one thought anything of it.

Or if they did, they didn´t say!

It really surprises me when parents so obviously take sides between their adult children iyswim.

Unless I was in danger, I´d be mortified if my parents stepped in like that!

Your children are lucky to have one good set of GPs.

Why inflict a bad set on them?

KittyFane · 30/12/2011 08:33

I sympathise OP but there are two sides to every story.

Proudnscary · 30/12/2011 08:47

Agree with Kitty - two sides to every story.

Truthfully - you sound like hard work and your letter to SIL was ill advised imo.

You cannot force someone to be excited about or interested in your children - it's indulgent and naive of you to think so. Perhaps your expectations were too high.

LET IT GO. Surround yourself and dc with people that want to be involved - why expend so much energy on this one when you clearly don't get along and that's not going to change?

KittyFane · 30/12/2011 08:59

There are several people in my life who show/ have shown little interest in my DD, non of whom are being malicious.
Two friends ( no DC of their own), brother and SIL ( before they had their own DC) admit/ed that they haven't a clue what to do or say around children, their lives are/were very different to mine - holidays, socialising after work, music, animals, travel, weekends away.
Doesn't make them bad people for not fawning over my family.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 30/12/2011 09:00

But do they like you, Kitty? Or do they say things like the OP has said her SIL said about her? Big difference.

pigletmania · 30/12/2011 09:37

Your best off without them, they sound utterly toxic, they bring nothing to your or your dcs lives. I dumped my toxic half sister years ago and I am lighter and happier. Same I was not going to be a puppet on a string for her.

pigletmania · 30/12/2011 09:39

Well then op has the right to choose who she and her dp think would be the right godparent to her dcs, and sIL was not because of the perfectly valid reasons she gave. Why should you choose someone to be a godparent who you are not happy with, and who shows little interest in your child Hmm, goes against the purpose of a godparent.

ILoveSanta · 30/12/2011 09:55

They sound pretty awful to be honest. I wouldn't want someone as a godparent to my dc if they showed no interest in their life! And it's up to you and your husband who to choose; last time I looked grandparents didn't get to dictate who their grandchild's godparents are.

I also think your MiL is unreasonable in what she said to your DH- there is no way I would have let my DH take a new born baby away from me when it was less than a week old for a start, and certainly not to the house of someone who disliked me so much that I had been banned. Mummy and dc come as a package IMO!

Good luck sorting it out, families can be a nightmare.

Oh and expect loads of people to say you are being unreasonable etc. as you will have hit home to a lot of people who treat their families in a similar way!

Salmotrutta · 30/12/2011 10:10

"DH and i have been together for 10 years we now and theyve never really liked me because I have a strong character and will not be bullied."

I think it's hard to say if you are unreasonable or not but I am interested in the above sentence from your post - sounds like you have a bit of history here.

As KittyFane and ProudnScary say there are always two sides.

I have a difficult MIL but I have picked my battles, challenged when necessary and gritted my teeth over the smaller things.
I know for a fact that she would describe me as stubborn and possibly even surly at times. And she'd be right too.

TheSecondComing · 30/12/2011 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breatheslowly · 30/12/2011 10:28

You really could have gone with the "you're her aunt and will always be her aunt, so no need to be her godmother too" line rather than "you hate me and don't show enough interest". You sound like a bit of a shit-stirrer who scores people according to what they do for you. It also sounds like there is more to this story than you have told so far. I have a strong-character and won't be bullied, but I have a great relationship with my PIL and haven't ever sent anyone an email/letter explaining their shortcomings and telling them to try harder.

pictish · 30/12/2011 10:36

Think I agree with breathesslowly
I too would like to hear the other side of the story.
You do sound rather like hard work tbh....and your email was out of line...it's up to your dh to deal with his family, not you!

Not everyone is fascinated by other people's pregnancies or babies you know!

Maybe they dislike you because they are unreasonable twats...or maybe they dislike you because YOU are. Who can tell?

Lumiya · 30/12/2011 10:58

Given her lack of interest in your dc, I doubt that your SIL is too bothered or surprised about not being a godparent. And your letter does seem very over the top and confrontational.

There must be history here. Are you sure you and your pil aren't using your SIL to 'get' at each other?

For what it's worth, we don't see my pil very often at all and thats fine with me Grin

Xales · 30/12/2011 11:01

She is their Aunt and shows zero interest.

I never got this a sister/brother should be a godparent thing, isn't the idea to widen the circle of those who love, care and support your DC's not to keep it in the family?

slavetofilofax · 30/12/2011 11:05

I think you did the wrong thing by sending a letter. She didn't send you a letter asking to be a Godparent, so there was really no need and I'm not surprised you came across badly because of that.

It is up to your dh to decide the way forward, or not, with his own family. You don't have the right to decide what happens next. All you should be doing is supporting him in his choices. It must be very hard for him, and he is the one stuck in the middle probably just wishing that everyone could get on.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/12/2011 11:14

So you didn't want her to be Godmother, but went to great trouble both times to tell her this in great and lengthy detail? Did you expect her to weep tears of gratitude and mend her heinous ways forthwith? what on earth makes you think she wanted to be Godmother to your children? you pointed out all her perceived shortcomings, when all that is actually "wrong" with her is that she doesn't like you Hmm grow up dear, and realise that not everyone thinks you're lovely. She doesn't like you, get over it.

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 11:32

Don't want to sound harsh but if you lecture and preach like that when you speak to them no wonder they are distant.
But there are two sides to every story so it's hard to tell if you're being unreasonable.

Primafacie · 30/12/2011 11:39

You sound needlessly agressive and confrontational. I agree with PomBear and Breatheslowly - you did all the wrong things here. You are the toxic one, not your in-laws, and that is based on YOUR telling of the story. I would love to hear her side of it.

stabiliser15 · 30/12/2011 13:52

YABU.

Am always astonished that some people think others "should" be interested in their pregnancy/children. There's no law that says they have to be, you know. And to think your SIL received a letter outlining her lack of interest!

You sound like you have been the author of this situation by your attitude with your inlaws. It isn't always an easy relationship. However, have you been the type to even try and be pleasant, or have you been stubbornly confrontational from the off? Sounds like the latter to me.

Your poor DH - I feel very sorry for him in all of this.

Original poster
dubbada · 30/12/2011 13:57

The letter was only sent because the PIL were insisting that it was for no good reason, the sil and i have spoken for ages after the really nasty things she said it was clear and factual un emotional, its the behaviour of the inlaws that really bugs me

OP posts:
Lulumama · 30/12/2011 14:05

totally agree with pombear. totally
I have my own children, before I did, i doubt i'd have been massively intereted in other peoples. even close family. Even once I had my own children, I was not as interested in those other children, than i was in my own

and there are degrees of interest, for some, remembering a birthday would be a big deal, for others, they would need that person to see the child ever week without fail, or babysit every other weekend or whatever

how do you define interest?

how do you show your interest?

Just because you are family, you are not obligated to be close and to get on well

sue52 · 30/12/2011 14:16

That letter was ill judged. No wonder it has caused such bad feeling. You should have met her face to face and cleared the air instead of sending her a detailed list of her faults.

Primafacie · 30/12/2011 14:24

It really looks like there is much more to it than you are telling us. The first line of your OP is about "all that crap the PIL have dumped on me". But then your post only revolves around the fact that there is no contact. What exactly is all that crap you refer to?

You have 2 children now, can you put yourself in your PIL's shoes for a second? Your DS gets married, he and his wife choose 4 godparents for each of their two kids, your DD isn't one of them but your DIL writes to your DD outlining why she would be a bad godparent. Don't you think perhaps you would feel wounded on your DD's behalf, and would have bad feelings against your DIL?

FWIW I have lots of nephews and nieces, I am not a godparent to any of them and couldn't give a monkey. It's not everyone's lifelong ambition you know.

Also I find it beyond rude that your DH told his sister that she might make the godparent shortlist for DC2 if her interest in your future pregnancy improved - when by your own admission, DC2 was not even a twinkle in his eye at the time!