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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to return this Christmas card with an insulting note?

34 replies

ItWasABoojum · 29/12/2011 22:43

I've had a fairly horrible year, involving being signed off university with serious depression. My dad knows this. He also knows that my mother lives on the other side of the world and that I wouldn't be getting to spend Christmas with her.

I've given up expecting presents - he doesn't 'do' Christmas. Fair enough. I sent him a card for his birthday (20th December) and another for Christmas. No acknowledgement of either. No phone call on the day - yes, I could have phoned him, but having not been contacted for around 6 months I wasn't really in the mood. All in all, I was pretty reconciled to not hearing from him again.

I arrived home today to find a card from him and his partner, with a rose on the front. It was one that she designed - she does 'botanical art' and has them printed. They keep them in a big box and send them when they need cards - she also sells them. I say this only to make the point that this isn't something that's been carefully chosen - it's from their stock of last-minute greeting cards.

The text inside said - 'To Boojum, Best wishes for Xmas and the New Year, love from Dad and Partnersname. The rose was from our garden.'

That's it. No 'how are you', no 'hope you're feeling better', no 'thanks for the birthday card'. WIBU to scrawl 'I don't give a flying fuck where the sodding rose came from' on it and send it back to them?

Obviously I would. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
EauDeLaPoisson · 29/12/2011 22:48

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other tbh

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 29/12/2011 22:52

I can understand why you would want to, but I'd still say don't do it.

It might give you a few minutes satisfaction but it will probably cause you more heartache in the future than just ignoring it.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad year. I hope 2012 is much better for you.

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/12/2011 22:54

I've just reconciled with my Dad after not really speaking for two years. We both left it that long because we were both as petty as you're being. I know exactly how you feel.

I had to make an effort to start speaking to him again because the sort of stuff you're talking about drives me mad, even now when I speak to him on the phone, my eyes are rolling out of my head within minutes. I do love him though.

Having said that, however - he has extended a hand to you a couple of times and you've knocked him back. Try and give a little. Life really is too short for all this, you know.

AgentZigzag · 29/12/2011 22:58

Expecting him to acknowledge birthday or christmas cards is looking to be pissed off in my mind.

You're hurt because he should want to contact you, should care about how you are and what you're doing, and doesn't.

I wouldn't send a letter back, unfortunately it sounds like a case of you trying to get your head round the fact you don't have the relationship you crave with your dad Sad

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2011 23:02

How has he extended the hand a couple of times? He's sent one lousy card?!

Boojum - sorry it's been such a crap year, I hope 2012 is a better year for you.

Don't send the card back - take some time and decide what is available to you from him and if you want it or not. You will never have what you want, but can you accept what (pathetically little) he offers or are you better off without him in your life?...

VivaLeBeaver · 29/12/2011 23:04

I think you'd be better off ringing him or going to see him and telling him how you feel. Calmly, not accusingly. Tell him you'd like a better relationship with him and see what he says.

skybluepearl · 29/12/2011 23:07

but people don't normally acknowledge brithday aor xmas cards do they? and the phone call is something you could have made maybe? Can you lower your expectations of him so that you get less hurt? can you concentrate on doing what you need to feel better?

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/12/2011 23:07

You're right, Chipping, I misread the OP a bit. But he did send a card. That seems to me like he wants some contact.

The thing is with parents though, they don't always make the effort like they should, like they're supposed to. But they're your parents.

Obviously if they're toxic or abusive, that's different, I wouldn't hesitate to cut contact in those circumstances - but this is just a bit... petty.

I know I'm not explaining myself very well, btw. It's just that this is a subject very close to my heart just now, that's all.

gilmoregirl · 29/12/2011 23:08

Sorry that you have had a hard time. I can totally empathise with you on the rubbish relatives front.

That card is the kind of thing that I would receive from my Dad and his partner - completely oblivious to what you are going though (are you my sister Wink)

is very tempting to reply as you suggest is exactly what I would want to do too. But in the long run is probably best not to. I would leave it and then try and speak to him in the new year when you are (hopefully) feeling more positive.

It is hard I know. I didn't speak to my Dad for several years due to his behaviour towards me and there are times now when I find it very difficult being in touch with him as he does not seem to actually care about me (I am having a really hard time and he just seems oblivous to that fact). I only really stay in touch for DS's sake really.

I hope that you feel better soon,.

thepeoplesprincess · 29/12/2011 23:10

Yes YWBU. If he'd sent you a decomposing turd I could understand it more.

Selks · 29/12/2011 23:11

I agree with VivaLeBeaver.

If you are not happy about your relationship with your father and would like it to be better then there is only one way to make that happen - make the first move. See what happens.

Don't send the card back.

Original poster
ItWasABoojum · 29/12/2011 23:19

Thanks all. I'm aware I'm being petty, and I'm really a very tolerant person - with everybody else. That's what drives me mad - the feeling that I'm turning into this person I don't really like. As for 'acknowledging' cards, no, I normally wouldn't expect this - but I didn't get one on my birthday this year either, so I thought long and hard about whether to send one at all. It felt like a big step in itself, because I'd previously thought about cutting contact altogether (naturally there's more to this than birthday cards, but I'll spare you the gory details . . .). And it's difficult to say to him that I want a relationship, because the truth is, I don't - he really makes my skin crawl. It's like he knows how much he can get away with so that if I break things off I'll look like the bad guy - and as some of the responses on here have demonstrated, if I actually try to spell out why I feel the way I do it all seems so silly. I'll have to have a long hard think. Thanks for listening to me whinge.

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 29/12/2011 23:19

He sent you a card at least.

If you need more, talk to him.

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/12/2011 23:28

It's not whinging! It's hard, this family crap. They are placed there to get on your tits and make you feel like shit Wink

Original poster
ItWasABoojum · 29/12/2011 23:30

Thanks Abby - sounds very much like you know where I'm coming from. I'm glad things are getting better with your dad.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 29/12/2011 23:34

I really do. And thank you Smile

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2011 23:37

Does it really matter if you look like the bad guy?

Look like the bad guy to who anyway and if it's anyone other than him can't you explain why he makes your skin crawl?

It sounds like you would be happier without him in your life and if that's the case then you should work out how to go about achieving that.

Sorry you are like this with your Dad, it's not right and it's not fair

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/12/2011 23:56

Chipping, you are so lovely. I've been meaning to say that for ages Thanks

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2011 00:38

Blush Abby - thank you & thank you for the flowers :)

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 05:37

If your dad makes your skin crawl why are you bothering?

Flimflammery · 30/12/2011 06:28

Was it in his handwriting? I bet the partner wrote it.

Sorry you're feeling hurt, it's only natural, if you feel that your own father doesn't really care about you.

pigletmania · 30/12/2011 09:23

YABU just put it in the bin and forget about it.

springydaffs · 30/12/2011 11:04

Now may not be the time, what with you being signed off with depression, but maybe one day you will be able to say what you really feel - that you want a relationship with a dad who cares and shows an interest. The truth has a way of cutting through all the crap but it takes courage to tell it because the result may not be what you want. Anger is a secondary emotion too, hurt is the real one underneath (and grief under that I read the other day?). I fully understand you wanting to send the bland card back with a caustic message but imo it won't do you any favours in the long run. I hope 2012 is better for you OP. Are you seeing a counsellor to talk through all this shit about your dad (and anything else)? They are fab you know, you can get it out in all its glory, be as petty and spiteful as you like Smile

spiderpig8 · 30/12/2011 15:14

You are being unreasonable and irrational, but as I'm sure you know loss of the ability to think ratinally is a symptom of depression.

knitknack · 30/12/2011 15:22

The advice that I'm constantly giving my brother about our father is:

Stop EXPECTING him to act like a parent

It's all about expectations. A friend of mine says the best advice that his brother ever gave him about their mother was 'stop EXPECTING her to act like a normal human being'....

.... as soon as you do this, you immediately stop feeling let down/unloved/rejected etc

It's a really difficult lesson but some people just CAN'T do 'normal' and wishing/hoping/getting cross is just a hiding to nothing... I find that when I do this with my dad (aspergers) it sort of allows me to feel compassion again and stop feeling cross. i still feel that it's unfair etc (mum died years ago, he has been our only parent for years) but I'm cross at the situation now, if you see what I mean, not at HIM, and this allows us to have what is actually a really nice relationship (although anyone on the outside wouldn't see it as a reciprocal relationship, given what I've just said!)

Good luck!