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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to return this Christmas card with an insulting note?

34 replies

ItWasABoojum · 29/12/2011 22:43

I've had a fairly horrible year, involving being signed off university with serious depression. My dad knows this. He also knows that my mother lives on the other side of the world and that I wouldn't be getting to spend Christmas with her.

I've given up expecting presents - he doesn't 'do' Christmas. Fair enough. I sent him a card for his birthday (20th December) and another for Christmas. No acknowledgement of either. No phone call on the day - yes, I could have phoned him, but having not been contacted for around 6 months I wasn't really in the mood. All in all, I was pretty reconciled to not hearing from him again.

I arrived home today to find a card from him and his partner, with a rose on the front. It was one that she designed - she does 'botanical art' and has them printed. They keep them in a big box and send them when they need cards - she also sells them. I say this only to make the point that this isn't something that's been carefully chosen - it's from their stock of last-minute greeting cards.

The text inside said - 'To Boojum, Best wishes for Xmas and the New Year, love from Dad and Partnersname. The rose was from our garden.'

That's it. No 'how are you', no 'hope you're feeling better', no 'thanks for the birthday card'. WIBU to scrawl 'I don't give a flying fuck where the sodding rose came from' on it and send it back to them?

Obviously I would. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:

JenniferEight · 30/12/2011 15:23

I don't think it's about the card really is it?

Do you want to talk about the real problem with him a bit more? I think that's what you might be best to look at, either on here (not always a good idea) or by yourself, or even with a counsellor or therapist if you have got one.

It sounds like the last straw in a whole heap of straws tbh.
Forget the card and concentrate on the real dynamics of the relationship, and try to untangle what makes you so unhappy about it. It might not change his actions but will help you understand that you have a right to be upset and angry.

JenniferEight · 30/12/2011 15:25

and I think I'd stop sending him birthday cards.

Their card in itself sounds quite nice but it's four days late and makes no reference to your life in general. That to me says they are trying to stay at a certain distance - whether it's for their benefit or they think it's for yours, I don't know. (I mean they may think you don't want them to be involved with your life? for some reason)

DilysPrice · 30/12/2011 15:27

When was the postmark on the card?

Oh and YABU unfortunately, best wishes for a better new year.

aquashiv · 30/12/2011 15:43

Rise above it ignore it . SOme people dont do cards and dont send adults presents. Am so glad my parents started this tradition with me from 18. Makes life a hell of alot easier I can tell you.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 30/12/2011 16:14

If you are over 18 i wouldnt be expecting a card, unless its a big birthday (21st, 30th, 40th etc.)

My mom doesnt send cards for birthdays, i dont either. My dad does, sometimes i remember and get him one, sometimes i dont. Its not really a big deal though is it?

And the Christmas card thing, i only ever send generic ones out, they are a waste of bloody money anyway.

Sorry but from your op you seem to be looking for problems

TapirBackRidersJinglyBells · 30/12/2011 16:31

OP - personally, I would write the note, and put down everything you feel in it - don't hold anything back. Then I would take the note, and the card and burn them both. It really does make you feel better.

Ywbu to send it back, IMO, but YANBU for feeling the way you do.

thunderboltsandlightning · 30/12/2011 16:36

If the card offends you chuck it in the bin.

YANBU being offended though - dysfunctional people in families use these occasions to show how little they care.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 16:37

I agree with writing it all down-empty your mind of everything you feel onto paper-read it and burn it.
It is always best to stick to the high moral ground and not descend to fighting. Accept that he isn't the parent you wanted and let it go. (I do appreciate that it is easier said than done)
Hope 2012 is a much better year for you.

plainwhitet · 30/12/2011 17:53

OP you are nbat all u about the card.
I would simply stick it in the bin at once and leave it at that.
thunderbolt your post intrigues me. why do dysfunctional people in families use these occasions to show how little they care? do they know they are doing this? why do they pick big occasions? why would op's father not simply continue to ignore her? what else would such people do to show how little they care? interesting . seriously (I am not being sarcastic b t w)

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