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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about this hen party

31 replies

comealongnow · 29/12/2011 19:50

My best friend is getting married in May. Her hen party is in April, the hen party is in a different city to where we both live (Leeds) my BIL and his wife live in Leeds. I get on really well with my SIL.

The plan is to go to for a meal and drinks in Leeds and stay in a hotel in Leeds overnight and then the next day to go to a spa hotel just outside Leeds and stay there overnight. So two nights away in different hotels.

I have asked my friend if my SIL can come to the hen party, they know each other and she was fine with that. I am planning on staying at my SIL's flat and not the hotel on the night we go for a meal and drinks. So SIL and I will travel in on the train and then go back to hers at the end of the night.

AIBU not to join everyone at the hotel? Is it rude to ask if SIL can come so I can stay at hers? Money is an issue as I have decided to leave my job in February and honestly I really don't want to be stuck out crazy late in Leeds waiting to be able to go back to the hotel. SIL agrees and I know she won't want to stay out ridiculously late anyway. I will go to the spa the next day with everyone.

Oh and if it makes a difference, I am a bridesmaid.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/12/2011 19:53

It wouldnt bother me if I were the bride, and as you are bridesmaid, you must be fairly close, so ask her.

If it means the numbers are uneven for sharing rooms though, that might be a bit unfair if the person you would be sharing with has to pay full whack.

verytellytubby · 29/12/2011 19:54

It wouldn't bother me.

TheMonster · 29/12/2011 19:55

She could feel one of two things:
1 - pissed off that you won't be at the hotel and are bringing someone that she didn't invite
2 - just please that you can come.

Personally I would feel 1.

Backtobedlam · 29/12/2011 19:55

As long as your friends ok with it then I don't see it as a problem. She's asked you to be bridesmaid so I'd presume she'd feel comfortable enough to tell you if she'd rather sil didn't come or you stayed at the hotel. If money's an issue it sounds like a good compromise.

Zombi · 29/12/2011 19:57

If she's said it's OK, it's OK.

Original poster
comealongnow · 29/12/2011 19:58

My friend seemed pleased that SIL was coming, they do know each other through me (both bridesmaids at my wedding etc)

I thought about the hotel numbers but actually I think me not staying in a hotel makes it easier because there are only two other university friends going so they can share a room and my friend, the bride, will share with the other bridesmaid who is her cousin.

Nothing is booked yet so I have not confirmed a hotel room or anything.

OP posts:
UC · 29/12/2011 19:58

I don't see why this would be an issue, esp if you explain about the money.

Toobluntforsleighbells · 29/12/2011 19:58

As BodyofEeyore said, rightly or wrongly, I'd probably feel no 1. Hopefully if you explain to your friend your reasons, she'll be fine with it though.

FionaBruise · 29/12/2011 20:10

Wot Zombi said...

although I probably wouldn't have invited someone along myself but that said it totally, totally depends on the friendships involved

and I wouldn't have a hen do which was a meal + hotel+ spa day cos I think it is rude to ask people to fork out such a lot of money, but again that's me and people can say no and it wasn't the aibu question anyway and if people didn't initiate things that cost over a fiver the world would be pretty boring :-)

Kitchentiles · 29/12/2011 20:14

You're not going to like my answer!

I would say that it's rude to ask someone if you can bring another uninvited person to their event - it puts them in a position. They can hardly say no, can they? But if you've already asked her and she says it's fine so job done.

Also, I feel that as a bridesmaid, you should throw yourself into it. Leaving early to catch a train or something would be bit off I think. Plus you won't be there for the giggly, pyjama bit back at the hotel or for breakfast in the morning. On the face of it, it looks like you're not making much effort.

However, that is how I see it. Your friend the bride may be totally different.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 29/12/2011 20:25

Did you arrange the hen do or did she?

If you did, as one of the other guests, I would be annoyed that I am paying an extra night in a hotel whilst you stay at SILs

Also, how many are going? If it's just 6 of you then you are party pooping to leave early!

Kitchentiles · 29/12/2011 20:51

Also, I would be annoyed if you left early because your SIL wanted to leave early, when she hadn't been invited by me in the first place IYSWIM.

AnaisB · 29/12/2011 21:05

I think it's fine to not stay at the hotel if you'd struggle to afford it. I'm not sure about inviting your SIL - but if the bride seemed pleased then it was OK. I do think that you should try and stay out with everyone else though - especially if you're a bridesmaid.

RubyrooUK · 29/12/2011 21:21

I think it totally depends on your friendship with the bride.

I wouldn't have minded if one of my bridesmaids - all v close friends - had asked to bring along someone I liked anyway. I might be a little bit sad if a bridesmaid didn't stay at the hotel with me as I would miss them but I would understand about the money if it was explained to me. I don't want my friends to be poor.

But if it hadn't been one of my lifelong friends, I would maybe been a bit put out for anyone to invite their own guest to my hen. Just because it was a celebration with my closest friends, rather than my friends and their friends.

If the bride is happy, obviously you are close and she is easygoing. Do explain about the cost of the hotel though - but don't use the phrase about not wanting to be stuck out crazy or ridiculously late with everyone else! Grin

DoMeDon · 29/12/2011 21:26

YANBU - makes no odds if you stay at the hotel. I don't get the idea that you can't invite someone else along - Hen could've said no. They know each other - more the merrier. It's a celebration fgs.

smackapacca · 29/12/2011 21:27

I fricken hate hen nights. I'd do the bare minimum the cheapest way Grin your way sounds fine.

BlissfulMistletoe · 29/12/2011 21:28

I would be 2, glad a close friend came to enjoy my hen night and not struggling because of something that I wanted.

BlissfulMistletoe · 29/12/2011 21:28

I would be 2, glad a close friend came to enjoy my hen night and not struggling because of something that I wanted.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 29/12/2011 21:35

I usually try to get out of hen nights, I just don't enjoy them unless with really close friends where I know lots of people going. Didn't have one of my own.

Imagining it were my birthday party or some other event I would ever host, I wouldn't be annoyed with someone not staying at the hotel but I would be miffed if they invited an extra guest.

So YAB partially U.

GreenPetal94 · 30/12/2011 11:47

Just ask the bride, not us, and watch her body language when she answers. Problem is if she does mind then you maybe still can't afford hotel. Hen nights are always so expensive, years ago mine was in the SAME town and just a cheap nightclub but we had a ball.

slavetofilofax · 30/12/2011 11:51

I think it's fine for you to ask if you can do that, because you are being asked to go to an event that will cost you a lot of money.

If the bride was paying for you all to go on her hen night, then it would be rude to ask, but as she is expecting you to pay for yourselves, you have every right to do what you want with your weekend. It is not her event unless she is paying for it, therefore she has no valid reason to be pissed off with you.

BlueBumedFly · 30/12/2011 12:00

I'd be just fine with it and cannot see how people would honestly be put out. Weddings are very expensive for guests, I was chuffed that all my friends came to my hen, if I'd chosen a weekend that my best friend would struggle to afford I'd be horrified I hadn't thought it through properly. As for bringing SIL more the merrier I say, then again I'm not into playground politics.

TartyMcFalalalalalalalalarty · 30/12/2011 12:15

I wouldn't have a problem with you staying elsewhere (I might have before I went on a similar hen weekend, but realised the hotel bit was insignificant) but I would feel uncomfortable about you inviting someone else along.

WestYorkshirePudding · 30/12/2011 12:20

I think it's fine.

I had several additional people at my hen night as friends who didn't know other people didn't want to come on their own (there were a few different groups of people so not everyone knew each other)

FWIW, I didn't go on my sister's hen night as it would have cost near enough £300 and we were all forking out approx. £2000 to go abroad for the wedding. I thought this was fine and honestly thought there would be several people who thought along the same lines as me. Unfortunately there weren't and I was the only misery guts person who didn't go to the hen weekend...

slavetofilofax · 30/12/2011 12:25

Agree with Bluebummedfly.

My biggest consideration when thinking about my hen night was that it would be easy to get to for the majority of people and affordable for everyone. I would rather people stayed the night at my wedding if they were going to spend money on an event that was all about me. My hen cost £80, excluding travel for those that live further away, and drinks. It was the best girls night out I have ever had!

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