Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be feeling sorry for myself?

27 replies

viagrafalls · 29/12/2011 19:25

So, this morning I got my period marking the end of my breastfeeding disaster. Sad
I tried soooo hard, I had mastitis in the 2nd week and third week. I was in so much pain for weeks when I fed and I didnt know why, I assumed everyone had this amount of pain and it wasnt until ten weeks in, when I had already introduced formula that someone suggested deep breast thrush. By the time I had been treated the formula had sort of taken over and gradually despite my efforts to stop I was already relying on the bottles too much. THe guilt I feel/felt has been so terrible. Crying crying crying. I wanted be the one who BF until aged 2, I wanted to be the one who BF in the cafe. I feel like my BF experience was stolen from me. I even wish my lovely friends had had at least some of the bad experiences I had had just so that I wouldnt be the only one who gave up so early.I had some fantastic advice from Mumsnetters and even spoke to a lovely lady on the phone about it all. (Thanks Featherblue) I even tried to get DD to suckle on me for comfort but she doesnt seem to want to do that anymore. I will miss it so much. I feel like an utter failure with regards to the whole fiasco. I sobbed this morning for an hour. To top it all off we are going through the 4 month growth spurt and DD kept me up last night for 4 hours.
AIBU?

OP posts:
namechangerbat · 29/12/2011 19:27

YANBU at all Sad

NinkyNonker · 29/12/2011 19:28

Yabu to be beating yourself up, yanbu to be feeling sad. Docs can be rubbish at diagnosing that kind of thrush, and even worse ay prescribing what is needed to cure it. I will.be more eloquent/comforting when not under a trying to sleep hiccuping baby, back soon!

Sparklingbrook · 29/12/2011 19:31

You did ten weeks. Smile I managed four (many years ago), and was in so much pain I couldn't continue. I sobbed upstairs as DH gave DS1 his first formula feed. I wanted to do it, I really did but it was making me, DH and DS1 so unhappy.

Don't feel like a failure.

scuzy · 29/12/2011 19:31

rationally yes but there is nothing rational about a mum after having a baby and your bofy and hormones are all over the place. the hour crying was probably a build up, hormones, exhaustion and feeling let down. your are NOT a failure you did the best you could with BF and continued despite the pain!!! your little one is thriving. big hugs to you can feel your upset through your post. i understand somewhat as i really wanted to BF but it didnt work out, i expressed for 6 weeks and see now that i did my best but at the time felt a failure especially after a section. all very irrational now but at the time i was very upset. mind yourself see the plus sides to other half helping with feeds getting sleep and some you time. you can still have your closeness with feeding a bottle.

pictish · 29/12/2011 19:31

oooh I had that thrush while bf too - hurts like a fucker hey? Poor you.

Putting baby onto formula was the biggest relief ever!!

Wafflepuss · 29/12/2011 19:31

YANBU to feel upset, as the way you feel is the way you feel IYSWIM.

But, I had a very similar breast feeding situation to ours and had to give up at 6 weeks and you know what? It hasn't made any difference at all to anything...breastfeeding is just a small part of being a mother and whilst it's great if you can breastfeed successfully it really doesn't matter either if you can't or don't want to. You'll be a fab mum no matter how you feed your LO.

SauvignonBlanche · 29/12/2011 19:37

YANBU but please don't beat yourself up, you tried - hard!

Samvet · 29/12/2011 19:40

Please don't beat yourself up. I gave up at 3 weeks due to uterine infection and undiagnosed tongue tie. As long as baby is healthy in a few months it will feel better. You did your best and now is time to let it go and enjoy the baby.

Chubfuddler · 29/12/2011 19:44

My very sensible go says the benefits of bfing are not sufficient to be worth a woman making herself ill over. Please don't make yourself unhappy when you tried so hard, it isn't worth it.

Chubfuddler · 29/12/2011 19:46

That should be GP. Stupid predictive text.

Original poster
viagrafalls · 29/12/2011 19:55

I know, I guess it just hurts because it was something I always dreamed of doing with my baby. I am letting go. But it still hurts me that something I wanted to do so much eluded me.

OP posts:
BlissfulMistletoe · 29/12/2011 19:59

You tried hard 10 weeks of pain omfg don't beat yourself up by not feeding as long as you wanted your baby is getting fed.

Take it from me that this was the root of my PND, I felt that I couldn't feed my baby and then when he wouldn't wean ect I thought I kept failing and failing till I convinced myself I was the worlds worse mum and told dh to phone social services ( instead he spoke to the hv who said I had to go to the doctors as she suspected PND )

chelen · 29/12/2011 20:18

Hi, YANBU to feel sad. I think becoming a mum, being a mum is so far from our dreams in many cases. I'm sorry bf-ing didn't work out. Your baby will be fine but I hear what you say that it was something you really wanted to do.

Please don't beat yourself up about it after a little time to feel sad, try saying - you know what, I am the best mum my baby could ever have, even though there will be many things I have to do differently from the way I imagined I would.

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 29/12/2011 20:26

I managed three days before the pain made me want to tear my boobs off.

Your child will still get fed and love you whether her milk comes from your breast or a bottle. This isn't the end of the world.

watfordmummy · 29/12/2011 20:44

My youngest is 8 and I too had to give up to the extent that I couldn't see anyone else bf for ages. It really affected me, but now I have a gorg boy and as everyone else will tell you there is more to being a Mum than bf.

lots of hugs coming from here, it will get better but it will take time xxx

Original poster
viagrafalls · 29/12/2011 20:51

Thanks everyone. I think it is sometimes drummed into you so much about 'Breast is best' that the pressure is so intense and that the only thing you can feel when it goes wrong is guilt. I felt almost like I was poisoning my baby when she had formula for the first few times - how ridiculous is that?

OP posts:
Feminine · 29/12/2011 20:58

I'll tell you something funny op I didn't have the confidence not to BF.

I should have FF sometimes during my children's milk days...

Don't feel bad.

They move on to other things eventually, and this will be just be a memory.

In fact, one day you will be using your experience to help someone else :)

Sparklingbrook · 29/12/2011 21:00

Viagra that's exactly how I felt. That's why I was upstairs sobbing and DH was downstairs giving DS1 the formula. But slowly everyone got much happier. Smile

NoJusticeJustUs · 29/12/2011 21:13

Yanbu to feel sad, I still feel very sad and guilty at times because I only managed 6 weeks DD1 and 4 weeks DD2.
I had to stop both times due to massive infections (both were cs)

However they are both happy healthy girls.

Get used to it though, breastfeeding is now only a small thing on a large list of things I feel guilty about as a mother !!

I would go so far as to say motherhood and guilt go hand in hand.

Cherriesarelovely · 29/12/2011 21:19

YANB at all U. I totally understand your feelings. It is really upsetting when it is something you always imagined yourself doing and loving. Just to give you a chuckle i have very weird nipples despite having enormous boobs so my DD just could not latch on. What with that and the PND I nearly sent myself over the edge. In the end my community midwife said "would you rather give her a bottle or would you like me to have you sectioned?!!!!" It's funny now! I felt horribly guilty and, like you it was something I had always thought i would do and "be good at". It really feels like a loss. However, my DD was absolutely fine and thrived and eventually I got over it. Sending you a massive hug.

skybluepearl · 29/12/2011 22:22

That must have been so deeply frustrating and upsetting. I can really understand where you are coming from right down to the missing BFding. You are doing everything you can to give your little one the best start in life and she will thrive I promise you. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

Zipitydooda · 29/12/2011 22:41

Please don't make yourself feel guilty. I struggled on with BF, low supply, thrush agony for nearly 4 months with DS1 and felt incredibly guilty that I couldn't feed him, I think it was the root of my PND and really harmed our bonding. I wish I had allowed myself to stop sooner.

He's 7 now and if he suffered due to anything, it was my misery rather than the formula in the early days. we do have a good relationship now though.

I went on to successfully BF DS2 and have just stopped feeding DS3 at 7 months, I felt a bit sad when I stopped both times, I think that's natural.

In the long run I think it doesn't make much of a difference how you feed, the type of loving, supportive, confidence building mother that you are makes so much more difference.

Original poster
viagrafalls · 01/01/2012 19:15

Hello, sorry I've not replied- I was travelling to my mums in Europe.
Its been really 'nice' hmm] to hear that I'm not the only one who feels guilty.
I guess I just have to move on and let go - I'm going to keep reading this every time I feel sad though as its really helped.
Thank-you. Smile

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 01/01/2012 19:32

A bit late viagrafalls but I gave up too after 8 weeks - two lots of mastitis and a breast abscess and looking back I probably had thrush of the breast too - it just wasn't something that was mentioned then. Anyway, I just wanted to say that birth and bf are miniscule parts of being a mother. Your baby won't remember not being breast fed.

Your dd will remember unconditional love, making a graze better, her first day at school, her first pair of really pretty shoes, the first time you let her have high heels, you being there at her first nativity, losing her first tooth, her first netball goal, suddenly realising she's pedalling her bike on her own and you have let go, having her own small part in the class assembly, going shopping and having a coffee and a chat, sobbing in your arms when let down by her first love.

There is so much ahead of you to look forward to and for her to remember that will mean so much. And now the pain is going away you will be able to enjoy her so much better too. I do the remember the night before that first period though - and it was truly one of my lowest points - so >. It will get better from now.

PS: Mine are 17 and 13 and just as fit and strong and bright as all those who were breast fed until they were 2 Smile.

Have a lovely holiday.

MummyAbroad · 01/01/2012 19:46

I've been through the same experience as you, thrush (owch!) and mastisis made it all go horribly wrong from the start and I stopped at 4 weeks. At the time, my doula warned me that stopping breastfeeding can produce emotions akin to grief (whatever stage you stop at) and I think she was right, I felt so SAD. I was glad she warned me about it first, as it was very hard. However, DS turned out fine and I actually started being a much better mum when I stopped bf-ing as I was able to throw my energies into other things like making a nice bath/bedtime routine, doing massages etc.

I am glad you realise you are not the only one who has been through this, just trust that in time you will feel better about it. You baby is lucky to have a mum who cares so much about them. xxx

Swipe left for the next trending thread